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My gf has aspergers and keeps flipflopping about how she feels about me

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by ItIsBen, Nov 29, 2017.

  1. ItIsBen

    ItIsBen New Member

    Nov 29, 2017
    This is the second time she has told me she’s not attracted to me. A month ago she was talking about how much she likes girls (she’s bisexual) and I started getting a little jealous. I said “you like boys too though right?” And she stopped and started thinking about it and then said “I don’t know.” And then I asked if she was attracted to me and she said “I don’t know.” Now in her defense we haven’t had sex in a while. I was sexually abused as a kid and I’m just now trying to come to terms with it. I know that’s confusing to her. We ended up breaking up that night but we got back together with the condition that she be allowed to date other people. Now a couple weeks ago she brought up that she thinks she might not be attracted to boys at all and that she might just pursue girls. I said “I’m a boy” and she said “you don’t count” so it came up again. I asked her “are you attracted to me?” And she said “I think I am but how can I be sure?” Now I’m really hurt. I haven’t talked to her in two days. I want to break up. I never wanted to be in an open relationship to begin with. I feel like she’s not attracted to me and if she is it’s really emasculating you know? Like is she only into me because I’m kind of feminine? And now that I’ve been working at a warehouse I’ve been getting more masculine and I’m worried she’s just going to get less attracted to me the more masculine I become.
  2. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Aug 28, 2013
    I see nothing about this that is relative to her being on the spectrum of autism. However I have read countless accounts elsewhere of those who struggle with acknowledging their own sexuality.

    Not to mention that I also had a relationship myself with a bisexual NT woman who at times did seem to struggle with her own sexual identity. Though in the end it was my being on the spectrum that mostly contributed to the demise of that relationship as with others with NT females.

    I'm afraid from what you've posted she's already "put you on the shelf". At least you know exactly why. She "wants her cake and eat it too". Best to run- don't just walk away.
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2017
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  3. xudo

    xudo something

    Dec 20, 2016
    There's your answer.
    • Winner Winner x 5
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  4. MaybeNotWhoKnows

    MaybeNotWhoKnows Active Member

    Nov 22, 2017
    I can't speak for all people with ASD, but for me, it can be extremely hard to work out what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling. Often in the moment, I say "I don't know" and the answer doesn't occur to me until much later if ever at all, even when I am talking about myself. I also tend to say things that hurt some people's feelings, even though I don't mean to. Often I do not realize unless they tell me.

    Regardless of of how she thinks and feels however, If you do not want to be in an open relationship, then don't be. It sounds simple, but I know it probably isn't. It seems like she is important to you, I understand being uncertain. But you need to take care of you.

    Try not to be too hard on her and try not to assume that anything is obvious.
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  5. OkRad

    OkRad Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Oct 4, 2013
    Wow. That is not a relationship I would want to be in.
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  6. Ambi

    Ambi Well-Known Member

    Oct 10, 2016
    This has got nothing to do with ASD. Anyone who is trying to sort out their sexuality goes through a period like this.
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  7. Lady Penelope

    Lady Penelope Well-Known Member

    Mar 19, 2017
    I agree with @MaybeNotWhoKnows . As a female aspie, I find it hard to identify feelings and emotions. It is not that I don't have them - I have all of them - just knowing HOW I feel and articulating it with the right words immediately is the struggle. I don't want to say the wrong words. I want my feelings to be expressed accurately, or not at all. So my go-to answer is "I don't know". And that's the truth at the time. I need more time to mull it over. Maybe a few days....maybe longer.

    On the issue of attraction: pre-amble: I have always struggled with the concept of attraction. Having never experienced a "crush" in the same way I read others have; they see someone, they have an 'attraction' and want to kiss them, etc. I don't recall liking boys or girls "in that way" during adolescence. I find that I like the company of some people more than others and that has led to relationships of sorts - never initiated by me - resulting in being manipulated and taken advantage of. Inappropriate behaviour on their part was not picked up by me so it continued. My aspie brain was so tuned in and conditioned that I was always at fault and did not know the correct way to behave which left me open to suggestion by unscrupulous people to convince me that their behaviour was appropriate when it wasn't but suited them.

    So, I would be hesitant to assume her true feelings without allowing her ample opportunity to think about how she feels and responding to you when she feels able. However, if she is telling you she prefers girls... I think you might want to bow out. If she is telling you she wants to see other people, perhaps ask her why. I understand the have-your-cake-and -at-it-too adage but if everyone is open and communicating the only ones who need to be ok with it are those involved. You say you don't want an 'open relationship' and she does not want to commit, so again, you may want to bow out.

    Unrequited love sucks. It hurts. But finding someone who feels the same about you is soooo much better! Set your boundaries.
  8. InfinityRose

    InfinityRose Well-Known Member

    Aug 22, 2017
    Unfortunately, I'd have to advise that you let her go. It's clear that she's still in the process of trying to figure herself out, and the relationship is making you miserable and constantly doubt yourself.

    If she is only attracted to women, then it doesn't matter how masculine or feminine you are, it's not going to change how she feels. I know I'm usually attracted to more feminine guys myself, or at least guys who aren't super manly, and as far as I know I'm not into women.

    But either way, it's not worth changing who you are. You deserve someone who loves you for you and not for what you are trying to be. I wish you the best of luck! :)
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  9. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard V.I.P Member

    Jan 3, 2017
    From what I'm reading, she isn't flipflopping at all. She is telling you how she feels about you, she's just not saying it outright. She's just not that into you. No need to feel emasculated by that by making assumptions about why she's no longer attracted to you. Saying she's more into girls might be her way of trying to let you down easily. But all of that is moot, in my opinion, since you don't want to be in an open relationship. Choose your own happiness and walk away.
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  10. Suiseiseki

    Suiseiseki I can't feel the back of my eyes

    Jan 24, 2010
    Do not cuck yourself for an open relationship, you will only lose.
  11. Keigan

    Keigan Restless Mind V.I.P Member

    Apr 17, 2017
    This is not the right time for the two of you to be together, both of you have things to understand in your own existence.

    Good luck.