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My first date went with an Aspie!

Jane Smith

Well-Known Member
Hey guys,

I wanted to share with you guys how the first date with John went! I've been talking about it a lot recently. Especially on this website. You guys have been extremely helpful. Thanks to you guys, it went great, and I learned A LOT.

You guys are life savers. Seriously. I am so happy I got on here, and educated myself.

Quickly about John, for those who don't know: John is a very successful man. Right now he is a Game Designer and is pretty high up in his field. People know who he is and he has appeared on a couplel youtube videos. He has a few kids, and used to be married. Most people would consider him to be very "cold" and "distant". He comes off very shy, and gets scared easily. Because he is always in very professional environment it comes off like he giving people the cold shoulder.

His special interests are Starcraft, and card games.

We've been seeing each other for 1-2 years, but never officially dated. I had a feeling he liked me, but I was too scared to take the relationship to the next level. We spent a lot of time alone, and I thought I knew him pretty well-- or at least more than his co workers. I knew he masked often, but didn't think he masked in front of me. I always assumed he was himself, and that he was showing me the real him.

I was very VERY wrong.

When we had the date, John was happy. He was the happiest I had ever seen him. He was so excited that he could hardly hold it. John in that moment, became a completely different, unrecognizable human being. However, not in a bad sense.

This is what I had learned.
- John is quite talkative and not shy in the least. He asked me 1,000,000 questions,and told me everything about himself. He shared insecurities, fears, and worries. He shared excitements, dreams, and wishes. He wasn't afraid to hold back his thoughts.

-He didn't just have 1 or 2 ticks and mannerisms. He had A LOT OF THEM. They were very noticeable. He couldn't hold still. This was surprising to me. He was always very rigid when we hold out at work. Like a statue.

-John is a kid at heart. There were birds hanging around us. He would play with them. People would look over, but he didn't seem to really mind. I didn't either. I just sat with him.

-John didn't like eye contact. He would look down or around or away. He would look at me when I talked, and sometimes his eyes would rest on mine, but that was it.

-John wants to make friends. Most co workers always said John was cold and that he didn't like or want to talk to anybody. This couldn't be farther from the truth. He did want friends, and told me so. He just didn't know how. I told him some suggestions which he appreciated.

The unfortunate

Sadly, in all of his excitement, John told me he had a girlfriend. This isn't really a bad thing. I should have known he had one. But this was sad to me because this was a date. We both knew it was and agreed on it. So, my heart broke when he told me this information.

He said it quite innocently, and I knew he didn't want to hurt my feelings. But....it still did. For obvious reasons.

However, I realized that even though I was hurt, this moment-whatever it was--was very important and special. John always always had to be The Boss, The Father, The Teacher, The Boyfriend, The Ex Husband, or The Co-Worker. John could never be a kid at heart. He could never just sit and play. He couldn't show all of his mannerisms or speech patterns.

John was afraid all the time that he would never be accepted, and yet here he was un-apologetically being him. And I just couldn't be upset by it.

At the end of the date, he got up he walked to me and said "Thank you so much for hanging out with me! I really appreciated it". His voice was pure and filled with joy. He spoke from the bottom of the heart, and his eyes lit up.

Maybe I wasn't his girlfriend. Maybe it wasn't really a "date", but I knew he loved me. Now, that love may not be romantic. It may not be sexual. But, I knew he did.

Afterwards, I found out from a co-worker that John had approached them and said hi. They said that he appeared more confident and happy. I noticed he started to post more on social media, and that he was reaching out to people through other platforms at work.

I smiled because I knew how hard it was for him, and I was glad he gathered the courage.

I am not 100% sure where our relationship is going to lead, but I look forward to finding out.

[Note: This thread is fine to share. I asked in another thread for that not to happen because of a toxic family member. But I got that sorted out. So it's okay!]
 
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Maybe I wasn't his girlfriend. Maybe it wasn't really a "date", but I knew he loved me. Now, that love may not be romantic. It may not be sexual. But, I knew he did.

The English language has more words than any other, by a long way. We have so many specific words for such very specific things. Love is such a strange word; in other languages there are sometimes several different words which are all translated as 'love', whereas usually we would have several words which translate as one foreign word and give us more descriptive power, where it comes to what is most important that one word is left to do the work of many.

There are some senses in which he does not love you, but I'm sure you're right that there are some senses in which he does

It sounds like you've made a big impact on his life. I can't say what will happen, but I think that you have good reason to look forward to finding out where your relationship will lead, however he looks at you I would guess that you occupy an important place in his personal history and you're important to him.

Thanks for sharing.
 
So, I just found out that he has been dating this girlfriend for a while. However, it's long distance. She visited over the summer, and then moved back to Washington. My sister asked if she was going to move back here, and he said no.

On one end I am VERY confused. He never told me this. He told me that a "friend" had visited him but that's it. Not a girlfriend. I didn't find out until right now.

On the other end, I am trying very hard not to be super hurt right now. :/

John isn't a mean person, and I know it's a complicated situation. However, I can't help it. My sister said that John sounded extremely lonely. So, she felt like he might have gone on a date with me because of it.

I dunno. I dunno how to feel. I don't even know how to talk to him about it. I am just upset. Very very upset.
 
Eh, you shouldn't be. If he's really that happy to spend time with you there might be more going on than just "hanging out". Guys don't get that happy over platonic things. If he finds you physically attractive you are in a good position, if he doesn't then nothing will happen either way.

The other woman doesn't affect your situation, you are there and she isn't. If you want him, you would do well to pace the relationship towards something exclusive. He's the type of guy that women chase and he might suddenly be off the market if you dilly dally.

Just make sure that you make him think it's all his idea. Make him think like he is winning you over, while it's actually you that's pacing everything.

BTW, you lose if you get jealous or hurt and he gets a whiff of that.
 
...My sister said that John sounded extremely lonely. So, she felt like he might have gone on a date with me because of it....

And your sister knows John and understands all the Aspie qualities of him so well? How exactly?

What we often hear in these situations, is how someone who really has no way to know anything much, voices an opinion that gets taken all-too seriously, and which then colours everything about how the situation is subsequently understood.

Do yourself a very big favour and do not listen to what other people say. You will find it makes dealing with these things way easier. You know this man much better than anyone else you know, so why listen to an opinion that comes out of ignorance?
 
Eh, you shouldn't be. If he's really that happy to spend time with you there might be more going on than just "hanging out". Guys don't get that happy over platonic things. If he finds you physically attractive you are in a good position, if he doesn't then nothing will happen either way.

The other woman doesn't affect your situation, you are there and she isn't. If you want him, you would do well to pace the relationship towards something exclusive. He's the type of guy that women chase and he might suddenly be off the market if you dilly dally.

Just make sure that you make him think it's all his idea. Make him think like he is winning you over, while it's actually you that's pacing everything.

BTW, you lose if you get jealous or hurt and he gets a whiff of that.

I am pretty sure he is physically attracted to me, but he seems to be more invested with people understanding him. His last wife wasn't the nicest, so I think kindest has always been a big deal to him.

You make some good points, though. I am trying not to be jealous but I guess it's hard because I am human.


And your sister knows John and understands all the Aspie qualities of him so well? How exactly?

What we often hear in these situations, is how someone who really has no way to know anything much, voices an opinion that gets taken all-too seriously, and which then colours everything about how the situation is subsequently understood.

Do yourself a very big favour and do not listen to what other people say. You will find it makes dealing with these things way easier. You know this man much better than anyone else you know, so why listen to an opinion that comes out of ignorance?


I agree with AO, don’t listen to your sister.

These are two very good points. I wasn't really there when he said these things, so I have to take what she says with a grain of salt.
 
These are two very good points. I wasn't really there when he said these things, so I have to take what she says with a grain of salt.

It isn't so much about you not being there when he said these things. As you are discovering through reading here, learning not to incorrectly interpret what an Aspie is saying takes a lot of time, and quite a bit of understanding. While you are undoubtedly coming to terms with this, your sister is very likely nowhere close. You can't even make a guess at anything he actually said based on what your sister says he did.
 
Sigh.

Alright, so an update guys: He broke up with me.

The reasoning is kind of complicated. I talk about it a lot on this thread over here: Help after a meltdown.

A lot of it deals with my sister. My sister is horribly toxic and has a crush on John.

John and I were supposed to talk about our next date last Sunday. My sister and I were working on our relationship, and she was trying to improve her behavior with me. So, I told her about the conversation to establish boundaries. I also told her that I was going to be talking to him over instant messenger. That way she could give us the space she needed.

So, guess what my sister did? She decided to instant message him at the EXACT same time I instant messaged him. She asked him a very hard, inappropriate open ended question, and because of that our conversation got postponed.

He didn't answer her at all.

Then he broke up with me. :/

i tried to work things out with him, but he's not responding. I am not sure what to do. Right now I am just trying to give him space.

I am just really frustrated right now. With myself and my sister. Sigh. v___v

My sister is kind of a LOT to handle, and she is trying as hard as she can to ruin the relationship. I haven't talked to John about her, but now I am wondering if I should. I just don't know how to bring it up. Especially now.

I'm going to wait a few days first.
 
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Sigh.

Alright, so an update guys: He broke up with me.

The reasoning is kind of complicated. I talk about it a lot on this thread over here: Help after a meltdown.

A lot of it deals with my sister. My sister is horribly toxic and has a crush on John.

John and I were supposed to talk about our next date last Sunday. My sister and I were working on our relationship, and she was trying to improve her behavior with me. So, I told her about the conversation to establish boundaries. I also told her that I was going to be talking to him over instant messenger. That way she could give us the space she needed.

So, guess what my sister did? She decided to instant message him at the EXACT same time I instant messaged him. She asked him a very hard, inappropriate open ended question, and because of that our conversation got postponed.

He didn't answer her at all.

Then he broke up with me. :/

i tried to work things out with him, but he's not responding. I am not sure what to do. Right now I am just trying to give him space.

I am just really frustrated right now. With myself and my sister. Sigh. v___v

tough break.sorry to hear that.that's why as an aspie,i avoid potential girls & women my age like a ninja,because you don't know what they're going to do or say amongst themselves (thinking that you're cute) upon eye-contact.
 
"Just because he has a girlfriend doesn’t mean much, he isn't married. Just say’n...."

Noooooo! This is a huge red flag to me. I would strongly advise against chasing after anyone who already has a girlfriend. Especially if they've been seeing each other for a while, as stated. Even if he isn't 100% sure on whether it's serious and going to last, the girlfriend doesn't neccessarily know that and (if she's like most women) will not be happy to find out another woman is trying to get involved. Women can be far more territorial than men when it comes to 'their' partners. I've seen women start huge fights over boyfriends they didn't even like and were only with for money/housing. I would seriously suggest waiting until he has decided whether his relationship with his current girlfriend is/isn't over and after they have officially broken up (if that happens at all) THEN consider approaching him again. Otherwise, I would keep him at a distance and just remain as friends, regardless of how happy and excited he seems to be around you. If he likes you that much then he will break things off with his girlfriend for you. If not, then he is just enjoying the extra female company while his partner isn't around and using you (you stated he arranged this meet up as a 'date' initially and told you a 'friend' was visiting rather than his girlfriend, which is being dishonest). He's now admitted he already has a girlfriend and has broken up with you, so I assume he is happy with his current relationship and has no intention of ending it in the immediate future. Your sister is making the same mistake chasing after him. Both of you need to back away or you will end up getting hurt.
 
"Just because he has a girlfriend doesn’t mean much, he isn't married. Just say’n...."

Noooooo! This is a huge red flag to me. I would strongly advise against chasing after anyone who already has a girlfriend. Especially if they've been seeing each other for a while, as stated. Even if he isn't 100% sure on whether it's serious and going to last, the girlfriend doesn't neccessarily know that and (if she's like most women) will not be happy to find out another woman is trying to get involved. Women can be far more territorial than men when it comes to 'their' partners. I've seen women start huge fights over boyfriends they didn't even like and were only with for money/housing. I would seriously suggest waiting until he has decided whether his relationship with his current girlfriend is/isn't over and after they have officially broken up (if that happens at all) THEN consider approaching him again. Otherwise, I would keep him at a distance and just remain as friends, regardless of how happy and excited he seems to be around you. If he likes you that much then he will break things off with his girlfriend for you. If not, then he is just enjoying the extra female company while his partner isn't around and using you (you stated he arranged this meet up as a 'date' initially). He's now admitted he already has a girlfriend and has broken up with you, so I assume he is happy with his current relationship and has no intention of ending it in the immediate future. Your sister is making the same mistake chasing after him. Both of you need to back away or you will end up getting hurt.


hmm...well, I didn't know he had a girlfriend. He never told me, and again when he mentioned her he said "friend". So, I had absolutely no idea!

I was actually just as mad and shocked as you are!! For the same reasons!

I did confront him about this. But then this happened. I dunno. Hopefully we can approach the topic in the future?

In the mean time all of us (myself included) probably want to stay away from assumptions. Right now I have no idea why he broke up with me. I have no idea what the situation is with his current girlfriend. I just found out, and I was going to talk about that Sunday (I forgot to mention that in the original post).

Except for avoiding it, I would actually like to have a discussion with him about it. It's just a matter of if he's okay talking about it.
 
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Apologies if my post came across as blunt, but I've seen this so many times and have had men try to do the same with me. You need to establish clear boundaries in relationships or things get incredibly messy very fast and people end up hurt. Either someone is single and interested in a relationship or not. You are entitled to be mad and shocked at him for essentially lying to you and attempting to cheat on his girlfriend. I would either accept just being friends or forget about him and move on. He sounds pretty immature.
 
He broke up with you? Uh... But you weren't his girlfriend, so technically he can't break up with you. I can't believe you didn't point that out to him, along with this:
 
Sigh.

Alright, so an update guys: He broke up with me.

. . .
My sister is kind of a LOT to handle, and she is trying as hard as she can to ruin the relationship. I haven't talked to John about her, but now I am wondering if I should. I just don't know how to bring it up. Especially now.

I'm going to wait a few days first.

In your original posting, you said yourself that John explicitly told you he had a girlfriend. If it wasn't official, he would've just said dating other people and/or not committed to anyone. He didn't mention anything about an open relationship either, and if you didn't ask about commitment or being open, you can definitely assume closed and committed.

Then, you go on later to say that he "broke up with you." Maybe he "broke up" with you because you were coming on too strong and interfering when he already had a girlfriend. The timing and the cards didn't work out. Nothing wrong with that. There are other people similar enough to "John" or different in another cool way in this world that can be for you possibly.

I do think you should take a few days breather at least, maybe a few weeks. Consider talking with a counselor about it even if you only meet them like 5 times. Afterwards, I think you should talk with John 1-1 in-person in a public place where everyone can see both of you, but if someone comes up to you, just ask them for some private time for personal conversation. Tell him your intentions of the conversation beforehand so that he understands and doesn't think you are trying to do something underhanded (such as I would like to be as honest with you as I can about my prior feelings. When is a good time? etc.) In this conversation, you should be honest about your feelings about your sister to him, and that if his situation ever changes and you are still single, that you hope he will consider you. Then, maybe consider asking for platonic friendship. If you can't deal with being only platonic, then just be cordial when you see him in-person and move on. I stress "platonic" because maybe it's more in the lgbt world then when you say "friendship" that it could imply "friends with benefits". I get the feeling he would be open to such conversation since he could be so open with you.
 
....i tried to work things out with him, but he's not responding. I am not sure what to do. Right now I am just trying to give him space.

I am just really frustrated right now. With myself and my sister. Sigh. v___v

My sister is kind of a LOT to handle, and she is trying as hard as she can to ruin the relationship. I haven't talked to John about her, but now I am wondering if I should. I just don't know how to bring it up. Especially now.

I'm going to wait a few days first.

I think before you do anything related to John, you need to sort out yourself and your sister, because if that was me, I'd be very much in need of walking away from that kind of problem. It is difficult enough conducting a relationship with an NT who stumbles over the intrinsic qualities that makes us different, but to have to contend with an interfering, self-interested and incomprehensibly motivated sister too.... I'd find that several layers of confusion too far.

If you don't do this first, you risk your sister damaging any attempt at recovering your relationship, with just one act of deliberate or accidental stupidity.
 
Also, do understand you cannot control your sister. However, you can figure out how you should react and deal with your sister and anyone else you interact with. In this case, probably not trusting your sister with talking about relationships anymore and letting your potential significant other(s) know about why you want to be distant with your sister could be worth expressing, in a way that shows you as an independent woman dealing with the issues herself rather than it being a problem for you or all involved.
 
I was extremely upset when I made the post about him breaking up with me, so I was a bit vague.

Let me try and elaborate on what is going on for anyone reading: So again, I was going to confront John about the girlfriend on Sunday. Turns out it may have been a casual, open relationship. This is fine with me because I am poli. My main issue is consent. I didn't know about her until recently. I was going to confirm the relationship Sunday and then confront him.

John until this point was perfectly happy with me. He was asking me to message him and so forth. Until Saturday rolled around.

My sister is working on the same game project as him. They had a meeting on this day. Right when he came from the meeting he was extremely cold. He didn't want to talk to me. I didn't know why. So, I gave him a bit of space. Apparently this meeting with Sally wasn't going well. He was complaining she was stressing him out.

Then the ordeal happened Sunday. Then he suddenly dumped me and ended the relationship completely. This felt sudden and I had NO IDEA why he did it. I asked why and was upset. He unfollowed me on social media.

My therapist said to just give him a lot of time. In the mean time we are trying to deal with my sister, who I will call Sally.

I think before you do anything related to John, you need to sort out yourself and your sister, because if that was me, I'd be very much in need of walking away from that kind of problem. It is difficult enough conducting a relationship with an NT who stumbles over the intrinsic qualities that makes us different, but to have to contend with an interfering, self-interested and incomprehensibly motivated sister too.... I'd find that several layers of confusion too far.

If you don't do this first, you risk your sister damaging any attempt at recovering your relationship, with just one act of deliberate or accidental stupidity.

I completely agree with you.

Sally is EXTREMELY manipulative. We have tried to talk to her about the situation 2000x. I talked to her one on one. We've talked to her with my therapist. We've talked to her with HER therapist and nothing works. Every. Single. Time. She plays the victim card. She will always say "Oh, I am trying to be nice. I am just WORRIED".

She also likes to play the suicide card. A LOT. So, when I need care. When I need healing and space she will want help because she's depressed. Like when I was having a mental breakdown because of John, I was bawling my eyes out. She wanted me to cook dinner for her. I did the first time because we were in the middle of cooking when she went to her room and refused to get out of bed. Then I told her no and told her she needed to do it by herself.

She throws a temper tantrum if you confront her. Even if you say it in the nicest way possible. She's impossible to work with. Impossible. I am always just "mean" or "looking into things". She even demanded to get my therapist's phone number because she was convinced something was wrong with me.

Right now, I am trying to move out. Our lease is up in March. I was just hoping she wouldn't destroy everything until then. But here we are. :/

I was actually fine with being John's friend. I think he's a beautiful person. Now it feels like it's not going to happen because of my sister. Sigh.
 

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