My ex boyfriend is Asperger and he's broken up with me..again

[Geirlaug]

Hi. I have had a wonderful boyfriend whom I love dearly. The love of my life really. Now he has broken up with me again. He has told me he has commitment issues but since I have teach autistic kids I knew long ago that he was probably asperger. There is a long list which indicates this. I am NT so there have been communication problems and since we have had a long distance relationship his phone phobia and silence in between has made it difficult.

We have travelled back and forth and longed in between. The last weekends we spent together he brought up marriage a couple of times and he said he was so much in love with me..and a week after he broke up with me. This is the second time he does that. Last time I gave up after 2 months and then he immediately booked a flight to come.

Now it seems he is holding a grudge over me saying that it felt like I missed him more than he missed me ..due to his silence..so he cut me off. Spent a week thinking and then broke up. But he doesn't want to let go completely. He keeps me on messenger and reads my messages. I the back of my mind there is still hope that he will come back.

What should I do? And is this behaviour "typical"? I hope you can help me understand. I know he struggles with a lot of things. He has told me some, but there is probably more.

Sometimes it feels like he's afraid I will get to know him too well. He also keeps saying he doesn't want to hurt me, at the same time as he's told me he wants to be able to have a relationship. But not being with him hurts me more. Hoping for some advice here. What can I do?

 

[paloftoon]

It sounds like he get too picky about little things without trying to discuss them first with you in-person or at least over the phone.

Probably best to involve a marriage type counselor with both of you in the room if possible.
If in-person is not an option, consider online. They can get expensive, especially without insurance.

Being in a quality relationship is getting to know each other well and accepting each other for who they are, generally very slowly.

It seems he may not be ready for a relationship. You might want to take a break from each other or even just say that you're not sure if either of you is ready for a relationship. Then maybe stay friends and see what happens. If you two still want fun, as long as you are both okay with it, then you can work that out as you go along.

 

[Tom]

'Fool you once shame on him. Fool you twice shame on you.'

 

[Mattymatt]

Hi. I have had a wonderful boyfriend whom I love dearly. The love of my life really. Now he has broken up with me again. He has told me he has commitment issues but since I have teach autistic kids I knew long ago that he was probably asperger. There is a long list which indicates this. I am NT so there have been communication problems and since we have had a long distance relationship his phone phobia and silence in between has made it difficult.

We have travelled back and forth and longed in between. The last weekends we spent together he brought up marriage a couple of times and he said he was so much in love with me..and a week after he broke up with me. This is the second time he does that. Last time I gave up after 2 months and then he immediately booked a flight to come.

Now it seems he is holding a grudge over me saying that it felt like I missed him more than he missed me ..due to his silence..so he cut me off. Spent a week thinking and then broke up. But he doesn't want to let go completely. He keeps me on messenger and reads my messages. I the back of my mind there is still hope that he will come back.

What should I do? And is this behaviour "typical"? I hope you can help me understand. I know he struggles with a lot of things. He has told me some, but there is probably more.

Sometimes it feels like he's afraid I will get to know him too well. He also keeps saying he doesn't want to hurt me, at the same time as he's told me he wants to be able to have a relationship. But not being with him hurts me more. Hoping for some advice here. What can I do?

Here is my take on it. It could be that the sensation of loving someone other than a parent, sibling, or direct family member is unfamiliar and causing him a bit of discomfort and indecision. This my speculation because it is exactly the way I felt when I first fell in love at 26. I remember simultaneously feeling the warm glow of being liked/loved and losing that sensation. I felt uncomfortable because the feelings and sensations were utterly foreign to me and felt all encompassing. My first reaction was to retreat from this and go back into my shell. It was a curious mix of fear, elation, and new sensations to be processed all at once. This is the best description that I can come up with given the inherent limitations of language.

 

[olshtieg]

What Mattymatt wrote is very true, love sickness can make being in a relationship unbearably painful, especially a LDR or other difficult situation where separation anxiety reoccurs.

When I get with any girl the feeling of anxiety about the relationship can be so intense I consider calling it off because it is pure torture.

He may be suffering when you leave and he isn't interpreting it.