My confusing affection for my best friend

[Libecht]

I'm 23, male. I've only known my best friend, also 23/M, for 2.5 years, but we've become very close and spent a lot of time together. For the recent year I started to feel a strange affection for him. I am genuinely happy when he's happy and I want to do things for him. I'm not really homosexual, but I find him very cute and often want to touch, stroke, even hug him. However I don't think I actually want to date him, so it could be that I just see him like a cute child or cute animal (?).
It's become kind of troubling for me because he doesn't like being touched at all and I am ashamed that I want to do that sort of things to my friend. I really wish I could be more normal with him instead of weird and pervy.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I don't see how what you are feeling is "weird and pervy" but never mind. If he doesn't like being touched then don't touch him, but there is nothing wrong with wanting to. It only becomes a problem if you ignore the other persons preferences and right to consent in order to do what you want.

Wanting to touch, hug etc. but not in a sexual way is sensual attraction. Sensuality does not have to be in the context of a romantic or sexual relationship. It is totally normal want a friend to be happy and to want to do things for them, platonic love is a thing.

Of course another explanation is that you are just in denial about being sexually or romantically attracted to men... Maybe do some research on the split attraction model, it might help you understand your feelings better.

 

[Alexej]

Thank you for the illustrations - reminded me of this which I found on FB yesterday

Here are 7 types of love. See how they fit for you.

Eros – does what it says on the tin

Philia – deep friendship love

Ludus – playful love. Could be the sort of fooling around between lovers, or between children, or even or rare occasions between people with two jobs and three kids between them.

Storge – unconditional family love. IF you have children you’ll know all about this.

Agape – selfless love for many people. You might find that among charity workers and so forth

Pragma, or longstanding love between partners – the kind of thing that seeks to accommodate your partner’s needs and wants over time. Some people call it shopping list love. Anyway, it’s about commitment, being in it for the long haul etc.

Philautia, or love of the self. This needs to be thought about carefully, because it could be the unhealthy, narcissistic kind of self love, to the exclusion of everyone else’s interests. Or it could be the healthy kind of self care and self esteem that actually permits you to look outwards and love other people in one of the other ways.

I mention these types of love in the hope that it helps you clarify what you think about the people in your life, and how you fit with them.

from a reader's response in the Problems columns of the Observer/Guardian

 

[Bolletje]

You’re not weird and pervy for wanting to touch your friend. Physical affection can be purely platonic. And if it turns out you do have some non-platonic feelings for him, it’s not the end of the world either. I’m an affectionate person. I touch people I like as friends to affirm my affection. A lot of my friends do this. We hug when we meet and kiss each other on the cheek or on the mouth in greeting. I had to get used to the kissing on the mouth, but it’s just a friendly thing around here.

 

[Libecht]

Of course another explanation is that you are just in denial about being sexually or romantically attracted to men... Maybe do some research on the split attraction model, it might help you understand your feelings better.

For my best friend I think it's just squish and some sensual attraction, nothing else.
But yeah I've actually been quite confused about what my sexuality is. I have sexual, romantic attraction, crushes and maybe squish for females while squish, sensual attraction and some aesthetic attraction for males. This is all really confusing. I don't seem to fit into any sexuality types at all.

 

[Bolletje]

For my best friend I think it's just squish and some sensual attraction, nothing else.
But yeah I've actually been quite confused about what my sexuality is. I have sexual, romantic attraction, crushes and maybe squish for females while squish, sensual attraction and some aesthetic attraction for males. This is all really confusing. I don't seem to fit into any sexuality types at all.

Well, you could be pansexual. I am, although romantically I’m mostly attracted to men.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

For my best friend I think it's just squish and some sensual attraction, nothing else.
But yeah I've actually been quite confused about what my sexuality is. I have sexual, romantic attraction, crushes and maybe squish for females while squish, sensual attraction and some aesthetic attraction for males. This is all really confusing. I don't seem to fit into any sexuality types at all.

That sounds like perfectly normal heterosexuality to me to be honest. It's not unusual to experience aesthetic attraction for the gender you are not sexually attracted to, or to feel strong platonic affection, or to want to cuddle with friends.
Western culture tends to suggest that people (and men in particular) should not feel strongly their friends, or shouldn't want non-sexual physical affection from anyone but their romantic partners, or that to want affection from friends is somehow gay, but that's just not true. Our society puts so much emphasis on romantic and sexual relationships that it is often completely overlooked that for many if not most people it is healthy and desirable to form close affectionate bonds outside of sexual relationships too. I find it incredibly sad that many men feel unable to be affectionate with male friends without stating "no homo!" or feeling ashamed about wanting affection without sex.

 

[Alphys]

i don't know, a lot of people are bi-curious and have no interest in same-gender relationships, they just think those ppl are pretty. there are also different types of attraction, as listed above. you're the only person who can determine how you're feeling, though. (also, i'm going through a crush on my best friend too, so i feel you.)