My boyfriend doesn't believe my diagnosis .... long story

[louloulovesdogs]

So my search for a diagnosis started almost 3 years ago. When a friend, someone who knew me quite well, who had a PHD in psychology, on the spectrum themselves, and specializing in better ways to effectively diagnose conditions, said straight up she thought I was on the spectrum. So my start to the search was already pretty well grounded. I studied psychology myself and when learning about autism I always thought hmm that sounds like it fits, and that does, but then lots of things didn't and lots of things didn't seem severe enough. I now know this is because everything I learned was male focused. After reading about females on the spectrum and the levels of misdiagnosis and how the conditions I had been diagnosed with (anorexia and generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder) but never really felt like the right diagnosis were common misdiagnoses of autistic females it all clicked into place and I self diagnosed and told my boyfriend what I thought and that I was going to go get an official diagnosis. He seemed supportive at this time. I decided not to tell him about anything while going through the process, and I waited about a week and half after getting the actual diagnosis before telling him. Once I told him he just straight up said I don't think you are. I asked why. He couldn't really answer. I told him to research it, specifically for females and get back to me. He still said he didn't think so afterward. I explained that this wasn't like a one call diagnosis, that it was a process with written and verbal tests, by someone that specializes in not only autism but diagnosing autism in teens and young adults and basically.....I sent him a bunch of links to videos and articles that were what really clicked for me and he didn't read or watch any of them. I just feel like he doesn't want to believe it.....and I feel like he's been kind of picking on me for things I've always done, now seeing them through a lens of an autistic person. An example is how much I fidget, I always have, it hasn't increased since being diagnosed, but now he's calling me out on it.....I don't like going to a lot of social events, again, it's always been this way, but now he's saying things like "so you're never going to go out again" and stuff like that. And I just feel sad....and not supported. But mostly, because I didn't expect anything to change because nothing about me changed.....I want to talk to him about this but idk what to say.....any advice would be great.

 

[the_tortoise]

An example is how much I fidget, I always have, it hasn't increased since being diagnosed, but now he's calling me out on it.....I don't like going to a lot of social events, again, it's always been this way, but now he's saying things like "so you're never going to go out again" and stuff like that. And I just feel sad....and not supported. But mostly, because I didn't expect anything to change because nothing about me changed.....I want to talk to him about this but idk what to say.....any advice would be great.

In response to something like "so you're never going to go out again," could you ask him "What makes you think/say that?"

Not sure how you might broach the subject otherwise without just saying something like, "Can we talk about [my diagnosis / your reaction to my diagnosis / [description of stuff he's been doing]?" and then telling him how you feel.

 

[Adora]

I found out i am on the spectrum three years ago by a psychologist who I went to see to help deal with anxiety and trauma,I also have Complex PTSD and anxiety but in the past I was misdiagnosed with things including Schizoaffective disorder,but my husband believed me because he said he always suspected I was on the spectrum even before I knew when I asked him why he said because he saw some similarities between me and my autistic brother and how I don't make good eye contact with people but sometimes he will also call me out on things like when I begin to rock he will tell me to stop it or when I start fidgeting with my hands he will call me out for that too but he also did say he knew I was different when I basically didn't grew out of my shyness and social problems a year after he started dating me but he knows that being "shy" isn't something that I'm going to grow out of.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

It's been a long process for you.

You didnt tell him about it.

Now,he has been told,you can't expect him to process it all immediately.

His comments are part of that processing. (Possibly inaccurate, its a process,a journey towards, learning..emotional, mis-steps etc)

He says 'i don't think you are' is a common thing' and you shouldnt give it much kudos,its his initial reaction to this massive new thing. (Think stages of grieving, denial etc, a process)

Let him come to you when he's ready to talk.

Respond to his comments with something like that 'nothing has changed,im still me'

It will be hard for him to see things from your perspective,initially.

Concentrate on his. You've had a head start,nearly 3 years,a lifetime.

Try to work out ways to avoid defensiveness when he says something you don't like- (difficult!) Accept his comments as a process towards and not a resolute viewpoint. Try not to oppose it - he will then resist and it becomes an ego thing, which can halt the process.

By helping him you may enable him to help and support you.

Not sure if that was ok,or turned into nonsense, good luck!

 

[GGPViper]

As much as I want to echo the optimism of the previous poster... I cannot.

I had a *very* similar experience... not with a partner, but with my father.

I initially came to suspect the diagnosis, talking with my father about it... he dismissed it outright.

3 years later I got a formal diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome from a psychiatrist, sent the diagnosis (with the psychiatrist's signature itself) to my father, included several links to websites with information about autism spectrum disorders... he still dismissed it.

While I *hoped* that he just needed to process the information, in the next 6 years with pointless back-and-forth bickering it became obvious that my father had *no* intention whatsoever of accepting the diagnosis... So, eventually, about 2 years ago, I cut off all contact with him and walked away... I see no point in engaging with individuals who completely dismiss and ignore core traits of my personality...

So here is my advice (based on 9 years of frustration): While you should give your boyfriend *some* time to process the information, this shouldn't be a carte blanche to continually dismiss your diagnosis with no expiration date...

And you should be prepared for the eventuality that he might *never* change his mind... If so, dump him.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

As much as I want to echo the optimism of the previous poster... I cannot.

I had a *very* similar experience... not with a partner, but with my father.

I initially came to suspect the diagnosis, talking with my father about it... he dismissed it outright.

3 years later I got a formal diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome from a psychiatrist, sent the diagnosis (with the psychiatrist's signature itself) to my father, included several links to websites with information about autism spectrum disorders... he still dismissed it.

While I *hoped* that he just needed to process the information, in the next 6 years with pointless back-and-forth bickering it became obvious that my father had *no* intention whatsoever of accepting the diagnosis... So, eventually, about 2 years ago, I cut off all contact with him and walked away... I see no point in engaging with individuals who completely dismiss and ignore core traits of my personality...

So here is my advice (based on 9 years of frustration): While you should give your boyfriend *some* time to process the information, this shouldn't be a carte blanche to continually dismiss your diagnosis with no expiration date...

And you should be prepared for the eventuality that he might *never* change his mind... If so, dump him.

Yes, start off with my post and definitely take your post along for the journey

The carte blanche,line, i thought, was very apposite.

 

[Momo]

I've had issues even trying to bring up the issue of autism with my mother, and highly doubt that I ever will... The problem for me is that if I did tell her, and others in my life, that they might start treating me differently, just because of a label. People have the tendencies to label things they don't understand and then that's all you are, that label.

Then again I probably feel like this because when my psychologist brought up autism with my father when I was younger, and she was fairly certain I had it after much testing and so on, he dismissed it and told me to stop going there because he didn't want the stigma. After that he would laugh in my face about how I was a "f****ed up person" and so on and so forth, he used it as a tool to manipulate and shame me, so now I'm honestly too afraid to tell anyone. He didn't even bring it up with my mother for godsake! Just so he could use it as a tool to leave me with an endless fear that he might tell her and then my mum would treat me the way he did.

So likely, my fears are somewhat irrational, but I honestly can help being suspicious. I just advice caution is all, I really hope the best for you and your boyfriend.

 

[Starfire]

@louloulovesdogs I can relate to much that you said. I had a similar experience with my wife. She suggested I go for an assessment and said she would support me all the way, the same with my mother. They followed the process all the way through then once I'd been given the diagnosis my wife said she didn't believe it! I then got the "everybody is a bit like that" and "you seem normal most of the time" etc etc. I sent my wife links she didn't look at, and kindle books she didn't read. In the end I just thought sod it, doesn't really make much difference to me if she believes it or not and I stopped bothering. Then after a while had passed I noticed she would start to mention for example something may have happened "because of your ASD" or offer to help make an escape plan when I'd had enough of a party or event if I would initially go with her when she knew I didn't want to go. What I'm trying to say is, as has been said, it might take some time for for your boyfriend to process this new info and for it to sink in. However, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. You have to equally understand that he might never accept or believe your diagnosis. As long as you are alright with the diagnosis, it makes sense and is helpful that's all that is really important in the end.

 

[ovpt]

hi

it may take him some time to accept the dx but i would be concerned that his reaction is to tease. i know this can be a common way of dealing with situations but probably not the best for your situation. at least it was not for me.

when i was diagnosed, my wife at the time tried to accept it but she continued to tease me and point out my difficulties as like she was trying to recognize the troubles. however it was never truly acceptance as it was a constant reminder of my "flaws" in our relationship. she felt by pointing out my challenges, i could change them. no doubt i can make improvements but it became a continual reminder list of whats wrong with me. needless to say, our relationship did not work out.

the big point is there is true acceptance which is beautiful and rare. there is denial. there is the hope for change. there is "i can change you", there is "i can fix you". well only one really works in a loving relationship. the rest breed contempt.

best advise is to communicate as directly as you can. i find letters are my best avenue as it gives me time to compose my thoughts. if he continues to tease vs being supportive, then its time to move on.