My aspie’s anger scares me

[sisselcakes]

I have been with my undiagnosed boyfriend for almost 3 years. I had never met anyone quite like him and after doing research I saw the traits pretty clearly. After approaching the subject several times, he finally was willing to look at reading material and agreed that he is probably on the spectrum.

One thing that is been a huge challenge for us is communication. To start off, even though I’m highly verbal and empathetic, I have a very hard time expressing what my needs are.

I’ve had trouble identifying exactly what the dynamic is- where the communication breakdown is happening.

On top of that, when I am able to determine what the root issue is, I have trouble breaking it down into a logical explanation

Finally, I am very sensitive to people when they get angry and I tend to shut down. Whenever I have tried to bring things up in the past, my boyfriend says, “there’s always something Christy,” suggesting I’m too needy and I’m never happy.

He becomes agitated and it starts to make me anxious so I back off and the problems are never resolved. It leaves me with an hollow sensation in my stomach.

The good news is yesterday I was able to keep my cool when he got angry and not push him too hard. Instead, I talked softly and didn’t give up on the convo.

I was able to get him to see our communication issues as a couple problems rather than he’s at fault or I’m at fault. That was a great breakthrough!

I’m just looking to see if other people have had this challenge with anger in their relationships. How do you prefer to be approached when you’re getting angry? Any other tips for NT’s for communicating effectively?

 

[Mia]

Some people have never been taught, how to control their anger. It usually begins in childhood. When they are not given the skills or tools to function while angry. The meltdowns and rages, not being listened to or understood contribute to this automatic response.

Someone I used to know had a great deal of trouble not shouting or raging, the son of two alcoholic parents. He was simply unable to react calmly during situations that made him anxious, where he felt overwhelmed or unable to respond quickly. Realized how frustrated even incapable he was of handling his own emotions, how sad and even sorrowful he was after he was angry. He considered it a loss of self-control and alienated his own family, whom he cared a great deal for.

In a manner of years, he began to listen, and not overreact. Dampening down his anger, and taking control of aspects of it, not using it automatically as a response. There's a close connection between reason and emotion.

When he felt attacked or criticized, he would walk away or not respond delaying the discussion. Needing time to think and consider, was the rationale. Discussing anything seemed to place him on an unequal footing with most people.

Individuals who are flexible and adaptable are able to function well in these circumstances. Not so true for people in which mental agility requires consideration of many things. Rapidity of thought and action is not so much of an advantage as it seems.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I have had my enthusiasm mistaken for anger.

Talking loudly for emphasis (my go to) no anger involved.

So that could be part of it, sometimes.

Then if he wasnt angry to be confused when accused of being angry...

Leads one down a path.

 

[Beguiling Orbit]

I don't think Aspies have cornered the market on anger. All humans, including Aspies, have the right to feel and express their full range of emotions. Maintaining a successful relationship takes a lot of continual hard work in communication from both parties. It also requires mutual respect and love.

One thing I want to focus on is the following quote:

Whenever I have tried to bring things up in the past, my boyfriend says, “there’s always something Christy,” suggesting I’m too needy and I’m never happy.

Have you asked him directly whether what he has said about there always being something necessarily "suggests" you are "too needy" and "never happy," or are you drawing an inference here that was not intended? From my perspective, he is right in that there is always going to be something. Of course, how you react to situations is up to you, but maybe he is simply providing some life wisdom that he hopes will help ease your angst. With those of us on the spectrum, it is best to not leave things inferred. It's best to be direct as much as possible.

 

[Gracey]

You're afraid.

Consider how afraid he may feel.

A couple of Newtons about to be released and barely a damn thing he can do about those in the blast radius.
Rage is terrifying to those experiencing it. Loss of control being the biggest worry perhaps.

Although I can understand how wary and afraid you may feel once you start to recognise the signs.

The trick is to nip it in the bud at 'frustration' level, before it progresses to anger thence to rage.

If I'm getting frustrated over a project I may be working on I like to sound it out to someone who knows what they're talking about and has no problem telling me I'm wrong and to look at it another way, from a different perspective or consider another point.

If someone wants to discuss my feeling or emotions and is continually questioning me over them. If they won't accept 'drop it' or I don't want to talk about it and continue to myther me, they're on thin ice.
This is likely to provoke a clam reaction. (Closed tight)

My husband is fantastic. He knows I need to process and think about stuff before I'm ready to answer. He gives me space to do this and let's me know he's there when I'm ready.
(The man has the patience of a saint and should be awarded a medal for bravery, never tell him this, he'll get big headed and silly)

Just because your Aspie isn't speaking or answering any questions doesn't mean he isn't thinking and processing.

 

[flawedplan]

I think every post I've done here has been about my romancer problems, so yes I can relate. We've been together 2.5 years, and in couples counseling since the 3rd month, at my insistence, due to his failure to meet my needs.

So when I see

my boyfriend says, “there’s always something Christy,” suggesting I’m too needy and I’m never happy.

I want to stop and unpack that sentiment. That sounds like contempt, one of Gottman's Four Horsemen that predict the end of a relationship. He needs to stop doing that.

It's an open secret that the vast majority in couples counseling are there because the woman makes it happen. American men, raised in a perverted cult of masculinity don't initiate couples counseling. Women drag their men to treatment because they're ****** partners who don't know how to do emotional intimacy.

I don't know if your B/F is willing to take responsibility for his part in your difficulties, or is willing to learn new ways of being open and connected and all that. But I just wanted to confirm that yes, of course, there's always something, and he's not the first man to accuse a woman of being too needy and never satisfied.

And I don't feel comfortable speaking for him, but will just say I am happier and more fulfilled in love with my Aspie every day, and it's not because I've lowered my expectations. I see no reason the same can't happen for you, if you are willing to fight for what you want in your relationship.

 

[sisselcakes]

I have had my enthusiasm mistaken for anger.

Talking loudly for emphasis (my go to) no anger involved.

So that could be part of it, sometimes.

Then if he wasnt angry to be confused when accused of being angry...

Leads one down a path.

Very interesting ... could very well be. I guess it’s best to ask when in doubt. I’m very good at making assumptions, thinking I can read someone else.

 

[sisselcakes]

Some people have never been taught, how to control their anger. It usually begins in childhood. When they are not given the skills or tools to function while angry. The meltdowns and rages, not being listened to or understood contribute to this automatic response.

Someone I used to know had a great deal of trouble not shouting or raging, the son of two alcoholic parents. He was simply unable to react calmly during situations that made him anxious, where he felt overwhelmed or unable to respond quickly. Realized how frustrated even incapable he was of handling his own emotions, how sad and even sorrowful he was after he was angry. He considered it a loss of self-control and alienated his own family, whom he cared a great deal for.

In a manner of years, he began to listen, and not overreact. Dampening down his anger, and taking control of aspects of it, not using it automatically as a response. There's a close connection between reason and emotion.

When he felt attacked or criticized, he would walk away or not respond delaying the discussion. Needing time to think and consider, was the rationale. Discussing anything seemed to place him on an unequal footing with most people.

Individuals who are flexible and adaptable are able to function well in these circumstances. Not so true for people in which mental agility requires consideration of many things. Rapidity of thought and action is not so much of an advantage as it seems.

I agree with everything you said. In my guy’s case I don’t think it’s upbringing- at least from what he’s told me of his history. You make a good point about the cognitive flexibility. After reading some of the responses I realize it may come from a place of frustration. That makes it easier for me to relate and feel compassion rather than getting defensive.

 

[sisselcakes]

I don't think Aspies have cornered the market on anger. All humans, including Aspies, have the right to feel and express their full range of emotions. Maintaining a successful relationship takes a lot of continual hard work in communication from both parties. It also requires mutual respect and love.

One thing I want to focus on is the following quote:

Have you asked him directly whether what he has said about there always being something necessarily "suggests" you are "too needy" and "never happy," or are you drawing an inference here that was not intended? From my perspective, he is right in that there is always going to be something. Of course, how you react to situations is up to you, but maybe he is simply providing some life wisdom that he hopes will help ease your angst. With those of us on the spectrum, it is best to not leave things inferred. It's best to be direct as much as possible.

In part I am drawing an inference. Good point about the hard work in relationships. I don’t always have a realistic view of them, I think. One thing I’ve gotten from feedback here is I need to be more direct and just come out and ask/clarify. I’m not so good at that. My go-to is assuming what someone means. That’s not always a good strategy, especially when he and I likely perceive and process things differently. Good food for thought. Thanks for your insights.

 

[sisselcakes]

You're afraid.

Consider how afraid he may feel.

A couple of Newtons about to be released and barely a damn thing he can do about those in the blast radius.
Rage is terrifying to those experiencing it. Loss of control being the biggest worry perhaps.

Although I can understand how wary and afraid you may feel once you start to recognise the signs.

The trick is to nip it in the bud at 'frustration' level, before it progresses to anger thence to rage.

If I'm getting frustrated over a project I may be working on I like to sound it out to someone who knows what they're talking about and has no problem telling me I'm wrong and to look at it another way, from a different perspective or consider another point.

If someone wants to discuss my feeling or emotions and is continually questioning me over them. If they won't accept 'drop it' or I don't want to talk about it and continue to myther me, they're on thin ice.
This is likely to provoke a clam reaction. (Closed tight)

My husband is fantastic. He knows I need to process and think about stuff before I'm ready to answer. He gives me space to do this and let's me know he's there when I'm ready.
(The man has the patience of a saint and should be awarded a medal for bravery, never tell him this, he'll get big headed and silly)

Just because your Aspie isn't speaking or answering any questions doesn't mean he isn't thinking and processing.

Very good points you make. I feel this last interaction with him was very different because you’re right about the frustration. Historically I lost it on him or have clammed up. This time I took it more slowly and I tried to not push the issue to a point that would cause him to get highly frustrated. I spoke more slowly and softly. But I was proud of myself for not shutting down bc I easily freak out when someone gets angry. I love coming on here. Love to hear from people with different takes on things. Helps me have perspective and get out of my own head.

 

[Bella Pines]

I would say, think about what you want ahead of time. What SPECIFICALLY are you trying to achieve? Do you want him to just listen and nod? Do you want him to say specific things or do specific things? Do you want him to apologize for something? Do you want attention? Do you want him to acknowledge your feelings?

Define exactly what you want in a tangible way so as to avoid things like "I want us to communicate" or other requirements that aspies cannot understand. By being clear and direct, the arguments may happen less frequently. Also, posting specific examples here might help.

 

[sisselcakes]

I would say, think about what you want ahead of time. What SPECIFICALLY are you trying to achieve? Do you want him to just listen and nod? Do you want him to say specific things or do specific things? Do you want him to apologize for something? Do you want attention? Do you want him to acknowledge your feelings?

Define exactly what you want in a tangible way so as to avoid things like "I want us to communicate" or other requirements that aspies cannot understand. By being clear and direct, the arguments may happen less frequently. Also, posting specific examples here might help.

Thank you for your reply. Little by little I’m seeing what you suggest is the right strategy. It’s been a struggle bc it isn’t natural for me. It’s almost like trying to retrain my brain to think more logically. It’s really foreign to me, honestly. But I like how you broke it down. I like the questions you posed. In fact I think I’ll print them out as a guide. It’s hard to stop and think logically when I’m getting emotional/angry/scared. Approaching our relationship dynamic in a different way is crucial. I love this site because it helps me understand not to take things so personally and it gives me hope. Understanding our differences from a brain-wiring point of view makes me have so much more compassion for my bf. Have a good day!

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Define exactly what you want in a tangible way so as to avoid things like "I want us to communicate" or other requirements that aspies cannot understand

This was key, i thought. I felt myself getting squeezed up just reading it.

 

[sisselcakes]

This was key, i thought. I felt myself getting squeezed up just reading it.

Is "squeezed up" a British saying? I'm guessing you mean say the "I want us to communicate" is annoying or uncomfortable. Did I get it right?

 

[sisselcakes]

This was key, i thought. I felt myself getting squeezed up just reading it.

or suffocated?

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Is "squeezed up" a British saying? I'm guessing you mean say the "I want us to communicate" is annoying or uncomfortable. Did I get it right?

Yes, squeezed up, i just made up. So something like that.

 

[Bella Pines]

I'm guessing you mean say the "I want us to communicate" is annoying or uncomfortable.

No, not annoying, I would say "vague" or "intangible". There's no obvious action as a result of this statement. The annoying part comes when the asker then doesn't get what they are looking for and so asks the same question again and again hoping for a different response.

Partners have said this to me in the past and all I can think is that we must CURRENTLY be communicating and sharing information for this statement to have been made in the first place. It's like telling someone to their face "we need to talk" when you are by very definition talking.

So analyse the statement. What is it that is actually required? Do you want them to give you a detailed account of what they have been thinking about in the past 10 minutes? Do you want to know their opinion of you? Do you want them to look at you and nod whilst you talk?

 

[Bella Pines]

Also post examples and we can translate for you

 

[Bella Pines]

And also, NTs have been training us, it took me 3 years to learn to turn and look at someone when they were talking at me, then a further 2 years to learn how to make the right noises in the right places. I practiced my "uh huh" and "mmm interesting" noises in front of the mirror, I even raise my eyebrows and smile on occasion now.

Sadly, not joking

 

[sisselcakes]

No, not annoying, I would say "vague" or "intangible". There's no obvious action as a result of this statement. The annoying part comes when the asker then doesn't get what they are looking for and so asks the same question again and again hoping for a different response.

Partners have said this to me in the past and all I can think is that we must CURRENTLY be communicating and sharing information for this statement to have been made in the first place. It's like telling someone to their face "we need to talk" when you are by very definition talking.

So analyse the statement. What is it that is actually required? Do you want them to give you a detailed account of what they have been thinking about in the past 10 minutes? Do you want to know their opinion of you? Do you want them to look at you and nod whilst you talk?

I was responding to fridgemagnet, asking what he meant by "squeezed up". I had never heard the term before. I like your suggestions about how to think about what I want before I say it and to think about what I'm trying to achieve, specifically. "Specifically" is the key. It makes sense.