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My aspie husband wants divorce but wants to be friends with me?

R

Revant87

Active Member
hi all,
My husband has all the traits of an aspie. We had a lot of fights during which in fit of rage i said i want separation. After that he shut me out of his life which i can now say was a melt down. This was around four months ago. I apologised to him a lot of times but in vain. He refused to initiate any contact with me. After trying for around 3 i told him that since he was so unhappy with me, he can have the separation and stopped contacting him. But after a couple of days he wished me on my birthday....recently i initiated contact with him and he said he wants to be friends with me...he says he wants divorce but wants to be friends with me. Whenever we talk he sounds very caring...he said that hes unhappy taking this decision...but feels that we do not have a happy future...he also says he does not want to lose me as a frien...does he really love me? What is he thinking? And how should i reconcile with him?
 
Thank you s. He refuses to come to a psychiatrist and feels i have anger issues. I have consulted a couple of medical practitioners who have heard the kind of miscommunications and misunderstandings we have had and feel that he has traits of an aspie. He is being extremely rigid with respect to reconciliation. He has moved out of the house and says he wants me to move on because he doesnt want me to be hurt...is he really moving on because he wished me on my birthday and wants to be my friend...he says hes scared of fights....

He is really caring...will he ever change his decision?
 
You can't control his reactions. You can only control your own. I totally understand that you wish for him to "see reason" but at the same time, he cannot see a way to getting back together. And since he refuses counseling, or even discussion, there is no path to communication.

It sounds like that argument was heated and may have been the last straw because of an accumulation of issues, not just one.

You may be right, but that does not mean anything if the other person will not cooperate. It might be best, for you, to take care of you. Letting go is never easy, but often, it is the right thing to do, nonetheless.
 
I really love him and i m ready to understand him and work things out. I do not understand why he wants to be friends with me?
 
Revant87 said:
I really love him and i m ready to understand him and work things out. I do not understand why he wants to be friends with me?
Click to expand...

If he is being blunt and honest, he is saying he still cares for you, doesn't want to hurt you, yet does not feel capable of continuing the romantic relationship. Which is actually typical for all people during a breakup.

Perhaps the thing to do is write him a letter. He might be far better able to process his feelings, given time and clarity, rather than in the "heat of the moment" with verbal tennis balls flying all around him.
 
Thank you werebear. I did write him a letter and saw to it that there are no fights since last 2 months. I also underwent an anger management course. Even he knows that my anger is considerably reduced. The fights were mostly due to the fact that he could not understand my expressions and body language while speaking. He was not at all romantic. He feels uncertain about what will happen after 2 years. He feels i may again feel angry. He is just not ready to stay married with me..
 
I applaud you for working on your anger, which is a barrier to any good relationships. And here he is sharing his feelings with you.

Maybe... keep writing letters to each other?
 
He does not believe in writing since our courtship days and has been giving very limited responses, though he makes sure that he responds. But mostly monosyllibic. I am thoroughly confused.
 
Hi & Welcome,
I can't comment on the Aspie side of this as that has not actually been determined. Besides that I would say he just doesn't want to live under the threat of confrontation anymore. That is if he is being honest and not hiding some other reason. I think you're kind of stuck in that any intensity or forcefullness you show in wanting reconciliation will just reinforce his negative feelings about a combative partner. I have no idea what the 'remaining friends' means, but don't think it is secret code for some intent about the marriage. Probably just candy-coating is my guess.
 
Maybe you could try playing his 'game'. Tell him you would like to be his friend and ask about hanging out sometime. Put the ball in his court and see what he does. Maybe he wants to start over from the beginning. Raise the possibility that you might like him to meet a new male friend of yours and watch his reaction. If he is optimistic, chances are good he really has put your marriage behind him. If he reacts any other way, feelings are likely still there. It's also possible that he feels a measure of guilt and simply wants an amicable divorce.
 
Thank you Midlife

But offlate i have noticed that he doesnt ignore me or my msgs. I wrote to him sometime back that i never thought he was dishonest...to which he replied saying that he was very happy to know that and it means a lot to him. I am being very positive to him and also giving him his space...i hope he still loves me...but is just fearful!
 
The actions you describe only show that he still has interest in you. The depth of that interest has yet to be determined. If he wants to simply be your friend, he will not ignore you, but if you try to 'escalate' to a romantic level, the truth will start to emerge. I hate to raise the possibility, but it is logical, that he may indeed be fearful---of the possibility that you still love him. Perhaps an old adage will bore this out; let him go, and if he doesn't come back on his own, he was never really yours to start with. I must point out that it is possible for former lovers to care very much about their exes without loving them. This may apply. It may take staying in the friend zone for a while to feel things out, but don't put your own life on hold to do it! No relationship (other than with our children, possibly), is worth sacrificing your psychological health.
 
A fundamental tenet of autism that likely applies to many of us, IMO. That one can love someone yet not be able to be around them or anyone else on a 24/7 basis.

Life can be difficult for us when being around others can constitute a complex "love/hate" relationship. We require "space" away from others. Solitude is an absolute requirement. When we don't get enough of it, our relationships with others no matter how significant can easily degrade. Yet it's not personal. That it's about us- not you.

It's perhaps the most difficult social dynamic for most any Neurotypical to deal with over a relationship with someone on the spectrum of autism.
 
Thank you midlife and judge.

I am practising positive affirmation theory and giving him space and also working out on myself...lets see what future holds for me...
 
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