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Featured My Aspie friend told me they love me -and I feel the same way!- but......

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Zealot North, Jul 4, 2019.

  1. Zealot North

    Zealot North Active Member

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    Hello everyone, this will be my first thread that's not an introduction thread!

    As the title already mentioned, I have a very close friend who has diagnosed Asperger's Syndrome. I personally have PDD-NOS myself. While I have an easy time describing my strengths and weaknesses, and what I can and cannot tolerate, my friend finds it very hard to talk about their autism. Because of this, and combined with the fact my information procession in my brain isn't always too stable, I have trouble understanding their intentions and what they're implying sometimes. I hope some of you can help advice me and answer some questions, because I have no one else I could ask. :pensive:

    Note: Because of circumstances, we're currently unable to meet up, so our only way of communication is through social media.
    Also, I will put (*), (**), (***) and (****) as little bookmarks throughout this post because those parts are related to the questions I have (which I will write at the very bottom).

    Now, about what's going on:
    I've had some romantic feelings for my Aspie friend for quite some time now. I wasn't really sure how to tell them, so I just wanted to wait for a better moment to do so. Then one day, they suddenly told me they loved me. Considering our bond has always been special I shouldn't be too surprised, but I was immensely happy and said I love them too. Hooray!

    During the past months, my friend has been quite inactive on social media, but every now and then they would tell me I'm handsome, happily accept my compliments, literally say "Love you!" at the end of some comments, and when I asked them if their crush was (insert obvious description of myself), they confirmed it. (*)
    I know, I know, all lovey-dovey stuff. I just want to make clear that this all seems quite serious business (unless I'm seriously dense!).

    Here's where I'm a little confused. Despite the fact they tell me they deeply love me every now and then, they're ignoring every single direct message I've sent for these past six months (all the lovey-dovey stuff has happened on public posts and comments). I know how annoying it is when people are pushy, so I'm not bothering them that much at all (during these six months I've sent like, a total of five messages?) (**)
    I know from friends and acquaintances that if you have a crush on someone, you'd want to get their attention whenever you get the chance to. I'm guessing that for someone with Asperger's, this isn't necessarily the case. I'm not sure what exactly my friend could be thinking/feeling, so if any of you can think of reasons on why they're doing this, it would help me understand them better. (***)

    Another possibility is that they're in a difficult situation they don't wanna tell me about and cannot talk because of that, but that wouldn't really explain them being online on multiple social media platforms during big portions of the day.

    The last thing I'm concerned about is the following thought:
    I can't help but feel like they believe we're already a thing, or think they have officially "secured" me? In our case it's not that much of an issue because our feelings seem mutual and I'll happily remain loyal and devoted to them, but there hasn't been a single time where I directly told them that I want a serious relationship. Don't get me wrong, I really want to! But I've never directly told them (or actually, never had the chance to since they don't really reply).
    If the flirts alone were somehow enough confirmation to them that we're a couple now, I find that concerning. (****)

    I understand they need time and space, but at the moment I'm really lost about where to go from here. For the past 6 months I've been hoping to talk to them directly again so we can talk about our feelings for each other and if we're ready for a relationship, but since he refuses to reply to anything, I just don't know anymore. It's actually making me a bit sad at this point because I want this heavy weight to be off both of our shoulders already, but I don't get the chance to.

    Below are the questions I have:

    (*) Question 1 - Aspies wouldn't joke about confessing or telling you they love you, right? Because if this is one elaborate lie, I would have no idea how to deal with it. Sorry if this question seems stupid, I'm just a little anxious at this point so I started to overthink a lot.....

    (**) Question 2 - What's the best way of bringing up something serious like this? I've read that just being direct is the best way, but in this case I'm kinda lost. I want to give them space by only messaging them every 1-3 months, but if I wait another month and randomly go "I have a crush on you as well and want a serious relationship with you!" it's so out of the blue it wouldn't even seem serious, right?

    (***) Question 3 - I'll copypaste the important parts here so you don't have to scroll back up:
    Despite the fact they tell me they deeply love me every now and then, they're ignoring every single direct message I've sent for these past six months.
    I know from friends and acquaintances that if you have a crush on someone, you'd want to get their attention whenever you get the chance to. I'm guessing that for someone with Asperger's, this isn't necessarily the case. I'm not sure what exactly my friend could be thinking/feeling, so if any of you can think of reasons on why they're doing this, it would help me understand them better.


    (****) Question 4 - How realistic is the possibility that I'm correct about them believing we're official, despite the fact we've never talked about being a couple and properly talk about our feelings?

    Sorry for making this post so enormous. I even tried to keep it as short as possible :fearscream:
    I also apologize if anything I wrote sounded ignorant in some way.:sob:

     
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  2. Rectify

    Rectify Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I'm older than you (I think) and perhaps I don't understand how things are these days but this - "they're ignoring every single direct message I've sent for these past six months (all the lovey-dovey stuff has happened on public posts and comments)" - seems really weird to me.

    I don't have answers for all your questions but I do have a question of my own: Is that even a relationship? (which actually is a bit like your question number four)

    It doesn't seem like a relationship to me and frankly, if I had my time again, I wouldn't bother with relationships that are that confusing and lacking in substance. I would walk away and find something better.
     
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  3. Rexi

    Rexi uwu owo uwu SlightlyFilterless Atheist Science=<3 V.I.P Member

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    Question 2 - What's the best way of bringing up something serious like this?

    My boyfriend prefers I ask him if we can talk about something serious before actually saying it. He listens to me anyway but he needs to be prepared for it
     
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  4. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    It sounds like pretend, to me.
    Like someone who enjoys the idea of "love"/having a crush,
    but isn't really interested in having a relationship with a real person.
     
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  5. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    Question 1: They could. I wouldn't. I don't know if it's related to being autistic.

    Question 2: If the person is not answering, how could you bring it up?

    Question 3: Does the person regularly express feelings for you? I got the impression it was all in a short period then stopped entirely, which would suggest they changed their mind.

    Question 4: That doesn't sound realistic at all to me.

    Is it possible sexuality is part of it? You're young, sometimes people have trouble initiating, maintaining, dealing, etc with same-sex relationships and flip-flop out of uncertainty and confusion.

    I'm just guessing it's not a traditional relationship based on your consistent use of gender-neutral pronouns.
     
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  6. NothingToSeeHere

    NothingToSeeHere Asexuowl V.I.P Member

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    1: Some would, some wouldn't, no way of us telling if this person would.

    2: Well being direct is always the best method, no chance of misunderstandings, and waiting for ages before clearing things up doesn't sound like a good idea, but if they won't respond then you're stuck. Maybe send the message and add that if they don't respond you'll take it as a rejection? Silence can mean "no" just as clearly as an actual no.

    3: Tree said perfectly what I was thinking when I read your post, so I'll quote her here:
    4: Doesn't sound even remotely realistic to me.

    I've got to wonder how old this person actually is? Sounds like a young teenager playing with the idea of romance, not an adult. If they are an adult I doubt that they are mentally mature enough to have a real relationship.
     
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  7. Zealot North

    Zealot North Active Member

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    Thanks for the replies everyone!
    Judging by some comments, I think it's important I'll elaborate on some things and add some additional information. I'll reply to each comment here:

    Rectify: One of the main things I was wondering is that their behaviour is somehow related to their Asperger's or not. If I understand what you're saying correctly, my friend's behaviour probably has nothing to do with that at all. If that's the case, then I can assume that my friend has different reasons for not replying. I'm thinking they're in such a difficult situation right now that talking to me is just too much at the moment (I won't give any details but this person has heavy family trouble and issues relating to school; in fact, this isn't the first time they stopped talking for many months but still commented on social media posts, and in the past I used to think it was related to their situation). Perhaps the reason they keep saying the lovey-dovey stuff in comments is to remind me how they feel about me, out of fear I might lose interest and my patience?
    To summarize my response: I'm glad you pointed out that this is very weird, because now it seems more clear to me that their Asperger's possibly isn't related to them not replying after all. If it's indeed related to their personal situation, then there's more hope that they will eventually start replying back once things get better for them. Summer vacation is approaching, too.

    Rexi: Ah I see, that's what I've been doing as well. I did so in my most recent message; I said I wanted to tell them something and reassured them they don't have to worry about it since it's nothing negative. I've read some times before that saying stuff like "we need to talk about something important" can be very anxiety inducing (although, I think that's the case for everyone), so I doubted if preparing them beforehand was a good idea or not. I'm glad I probably did the right thing, then.

    tree: I understand why you'd think that, but in my friend's case I doubt this. They've confessed to other people in the past multiple times (and they've been rejected each time:frowning:). Most of these confessions have been in real life, not over the internet. One rejection hurt them so bad it made them consider suicide, which I luckily managed to talk out of their head.
    Perhaps, out of sheer anxiety of me rejecting them just like all their past crushes, they're being this careful on purpose, even though I've made sure to let them know I like them. As I already mentioned in my reply to Rectify, there's now a big possibility they have a different reason for not replying to my direct messages, so the "I love you"'s etc they comment every now and then might be a way to remind me they love me, out of fear of possibly losing me during their absence.
    I've told some friends about this before and they think that because of the past rejections and almost-suicide thing, my friend is waaay more anxious than I am, but might not want to let me know or is afraid I wouldn't like them if they show their more insecure side. I did notice that whenever they feel bad, they really don't want to talk and shut themself away from their loved ones. The latter two might be Asperger related, I think?

    Fino:
    Their interest in me has been going on for a veeeery long time, but last November or December was the very first time they've directly said they love me (this was in a direct message; the direct messages stopped early January). I highly doubt this is just something temporary, if this is still going on after so many months. Considering I'm the very first crush that actually likes them back, I also doubt they would give up on me that easily too.
    It's good you mentioned the sexuality part. This is some information about my friend I left out, but their sexuality is actually one of the reasons why I think they're serious about being into me.

    While I'm very laid-back about my sexuality (whenever people ask, I just quote David Walliams and say I have no preference because I fall in love with a person, not their body), my friend is way more open about it and openly label themself as pansexual, but also demisexual. I had to look up the latter since it was a new term to me and apparently demisexual means that you can only fall in love with people you have a very strong and emotional bond with. My friend and I have been very close for many years and I wouldn't hesitate to claim that our bond is stronger than blood. If they openly claim they're demisexual and told me that multiple times, and also knowing how much we've trusted each other these past years, it's only a stronger hint to me that their feelings for me can be considered serious.

    NothingToSeeHere: About answer 2: I've sent a message last Tuesday. Considering summer vacation is approaching, I assume they'll have more time to reply next week or the week after. If they still don't reply, I'm indeed planning on being more direct about me doubting their feelings.
    Answer 3: Read my reply to tree. If I copypaste it again here it would make this post really long lol
    Answer 4: I was hoping most people would agree to that. I guess it's safe to assume that I don't have to worry about them having a completely wrong idea currently.

    My friend is 19, by the way, so they count as a young adult. I'm 21 myself. I've mentioned in tree's reply that I doubt that they're not being serious; I'm guessing they might be very anxious about it all, considering their past experiences.
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2019
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  8. Rectify

    Rectify Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Specifically regarding whether it's to do with the aspergers or not...I don't know if one could tell or not.

    Giving the situation more thought, when I was young I took longer to mature than those around me and I did some odd things during that time (not what you described, different things). I wasn't trying to hurt anyone. But maybe I did, don't know. So I suppose it's possible she just doesn't know how to relate or something like that.

    I can see you really need to know what her motivation is. Could you bring it up with her, ask her? I wish I could help more.
     
  9. Zealot North

    Zealot North Active Member

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    Yeah I'm guessing my friend doesn't always seem to notice when they're (accidentally) upsetting someone else. I'm quite certain they're not doing this on purpose. Whenever they do upset me I just don't mention it; instead, I want to see things from their perspective, so I ask them to explain so I can understand their view better. I'm not going to force my friend to change obviously; I want to adapt to them instead.

    I just wonder how things will go from here. I can think of numerous reasons now on why they can't reply to any direct messages so I guess I'll have no choice but to wait for a while and see. I'm about 90% certain they're genuine about their feelings; my main concern is me failing to understand my friend, or failing to make them feel comfortable if we become a romantic couple (or if we end up remaining friends; in the end, their happiness is my main concern now).

    Don't worry, I'm already very grateful I can reflect on the situation here and share my thoughts with others. My confused thoughts tend to turn into a chaotic spiral which causes fear and uncertainty, hence why some of my lines in my first post seem so full of doubt, but currently I can think more clearly because my thoughts are ordered.

    Also, my friend isn't a girl, actually. The reason I use gender-neutral terms is because I was concerned people would skip the main topic and focus on and judge our sexuality instead. My other reason is that I don't really like to talk about people behind their backs, so I make them as anonymous as possible by not giving away the slightest description, not even their gender.
    So yeah, Fino is correct about this.

    Also, when I have the chance to talk to them, I will surely discuss it all, including their motivation and if they're very sure they're ready for a relationship. I can imagine a relationship can be quite stressful, especially considering our current situations. If it all ends up being the elaborate joke I'm fearing, I just hope it won't severely damage our friendship. I'm certain this is not the case, though.
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2019
  10. Gracey

    Gracey Well-Known Member

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    I'd fail to understand why your friend (initially) would want to play some elaborate joke on you too.

    I told my husband I loved him on our wedding day, 30 years ago.
    Nothing's changed since then so why do I have to tell him again? :)

    The above is a bit tongue in cheek but can or may be how some (not all) of those on the spectrum may think.

    Stop worrying and overthinking.
    'When in doubt, give it some clout'
    By that I mean, just ask for some answers.

    Don't try to second guess what may or may not be going on with them and act accordingly.

    How do you know your 'backing off' and giving them space isn't having the opposite effect?
    (do they think you've cooled off and are feeling insecure?)

    You'll never get any answers if you don't ask any questions and you seem far too nice a person to be given the run around.

    Try to stick to direct, non ambiguous facts when asking an Aspie anything.
     
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  11. Juliettaa

    Juliettaa Black Sheep. Society of One. V.I.P Member

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    :D:D:D:D:D

    GMTA

    I know that some people require regular affirmations of love. I'm not one of those people, but NT Mr J seems to be.

    I ask him 'they're just words aren't they? My actions speak louder. I'm still here after 32 years so that must count for something?'
     
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  12. Zealot North

    Zealot North Active Member

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    Thank you Gracey. I really needed the reassurance that I'm probably horribly overthinking (as I mentioned in one of the replies, I tend to enter a downward spiral of negativity when I'm too confused for a long time. Not sure if this is PDD-NOS related, though).

    I'm just concerned that by messaging too often, I'm being pushy and too stressful to deal with. That's why there are huge intervals between my messages.

    I think I'll give them about 1-2 weeks to reply, otherwise I should probably tell them the full truth about how I feel and think about them and the current situation. Perhaps they don't have time to talk, but I have a feeling they do read the messages.
    I just want to tell them that I feel the same way and that they don't have to fear my rejection. After everything that's happened between us, I'm quite a fool if I doubt their feelings for me. I guess that deep inside of me, I fear any negative consequences, like damaging our friendship and such.
     
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  13. Zealot North

    Zealot North Active Member

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    Even though I'm not NT, I can relate to the feeling of needing affirmations of love, but that's due to the fear of them losing interest in me.
    I guess that my friend doesn't see the need for this at all, but if that's the case, I'll just have to deal with it.

    Makes me wonder if the reason all their former crushes rejected them is because they wanted someone who constantly make them feel loved with words, which is quite heartbreaking. My friend is a wonderful, beautiful and interesting person, hence why I'm willing to go so far with making things work between us, and making them feel comfortable by trying to adapt to them more, instead of forcing any selfish needs upon them.

    I guess that I just have to remind myself of the fact that after all this time, and after everything we've been through together, they're there for me, and I'm there for them. We've been trusted friends for years.
     
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  14. Rectify

    Rectify Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Don't forget a relationship is a two-way street (though it doesn't always have to be exactly equal in every area).

    I get that. It can help to hash things out and then our ideas change. My first concern was that maybe your friend wasn't so good. If you knew my history that would make sense. But when I came back and digested things others had written and your further posts I began to see other possibilities. I still do want you to be careful though, I can't help it.

    I'm sorry. I grew up last century and, the way I think is a habit, for sure. However, I really want to modernise so thank you for pointing out my mistake so nicely.
     
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  15. Zealot North

    Zealot North Active Member

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    I understand. I'm seeing friends and acquaintances around me suffering from very toxic, unfair and unbalanced relationships; three of my closest friends are clearly unhappy and it's heartbreaking to watch. One boyfriend doesn't even want to recognize my best friend as their girlfriend despite like 2 years of dating and giving her false hope.

    It's true that it seems like I'm putting way more effort into this than my Aspie friend, but they make me feel comfortable in a different way. I feel 100% safe with them; there isn't anyone else in the world I trust more than them.
    For example, aside from hospital staff, they're the only person I've shown my not-so-pretty scars to. They've never judged me for it and never minded seeing those scars. Me feeling comfortable and trusting them has always been very important to them and they feel happy whenever I remind them about it.

    I feel like it's only fair that I adapt to them if it helps them feel more comfortable. I guess we're equal on this area; we just do something different for each other :smile:
     
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  16. tducey

    tducey Well-Known Member

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    I don't know if I'd want to hear I love you all the time either, it's alright every now and then but not all the time. Lots of other ways to show love besides those 3 words.
     
  17. Rectify

    Rectify Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    It's a funny one, isn't it. I do like to hear that, as I recall (though I've been single a long time now), but I was more focused on how I acted. I also learned that you can say 'I love you' (or any other variation of nicety) but if your actions don't say it too then...well, ...
     
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