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My aspie boyfriend is very clingy...is this normal?

Katina12

Active Member
He only really speaks to his brother and his one friend besides me, so I guess it makes sense in a way...but on the other hand, I've read so much on this forum about aspie emotional behavior, and none of it matches my boyfriend.

I've tried to do my research on Asperger's ever since he told me his diagnosis, and I've read up enough about it to know that the majority of aspies don't seem to be comfortable with touch or emotions.

The thing is, my boyfriend is absolutely obsessed with touch, loves hugging, kissing, holding me. He absolutely loves intimacy and sex. He says "I love you" and "you are everything to me" about a million times a day. He is so affectionate it's almost bizarre. We can talk on the phone for 2 hours and he'll immediately ask me if I'm free to do a video chat in a couple minutes.

I do love his affectionate side of course...but it completely confuses me. From what I've read aspies are not big on touching or sharing feelings, and he absolutely loves both of those (positive feelings anyway- he can't deal with negative ones.)

Is this normal? Are some aspies just more connected to their emotional side than others? .... Or is he only doing these things because he thinks it will make me happy? He knew even before we were dating that I am a very tactile and affectionate person, and sometimes I fear that he is just doing all these things to make me happy, but doesn't enjoy it himself.
 
Speaking from my own personal experience as an Aspie, I tend to be an all or nothing person. Most of the time, I am very quiet and withdrawn from people, and would prefer my own company over that of strangers and acquaintances. However, with the few people I'm close too, I tend to be very outgoing and open, similar to that of your boyfriend. One thing I think is true about a lot of Aspies in general is that we tend to be very extreme, especially regarding the things (and people) we like and don't like. So that's probably why your boyfriend is being so affectionate with you. He likes you. :p

That being said, if you ever start to feel the relationship is moving too fast, you should let him know. You have just as much right to be happy and comfortable as he does. But as long as you're both satisfied with the way things are going, I don't see any reason for concern.
 
It's really cool that he is that way toward you... Just maybe enjoy it, and hold on to what you have.
Maybe not worrying about labeling and just living would be a better investment.

It sounds like there is very little down side to this guy... and if there is it will show up in its own time : )
Maybe he is afraid of losing you, and down deep he is worried he isn't worthy...
If so, and you like him, or love him, show him its okay. : )
 
Speaking from my own personal experience as an Aspie, I tend to be an all or nothing person. Most of the time, I am very quiet and withdrawn from people, and would prefer my own company over that of strangers and acquaintances. However, with the few people I'm close too, I tend to be very outgoing and open, similar to that of your boyfriend. One thing I think is true about a lot of Aspies in general is that we tend to be very extreme, especially regarding the things (and people) we like and don't like. So that's probably why your boyfriend is being so affectionate with you. He likes you. :p

That being said, if you ever start to feel the relationship is moving too fast, you should let him know. You have just as much right to be happy and comfortable as he does. But as long as you're both satisfied with the way things are going, I don't see any reason for concern.

Wow, that's actually really sweet!
He is absolutely wonderful, and although he frustrates me sometimes I love him dearly. He is the first diagnosed aspie I've dated but I suspect now after researching that the last man I was in love with was also an aspie, and he was much less affectionate. So I guess that's what's really confused me, but I guess everyone is different, aspies and NTs alike!
I do like his affectionate side quite a bit, but I'm now considering telling him that I need my space a bit, in a kind way of course because he can be quite sensitive (one of the many things that I love about him)
Thank you so much for your kind and insightful answer, I truly appreciate it!
 
Maybe he is afraid of losing you, and down deep he is worried he isn't worthy...

I think this is what I'm truly afraid of, that he is forcing himself to be affectionate because he is afraid to lose me. I don't want him to feel like he has to do this of it's not something he's comfortable with. Thank you so much for the advice, I think you're right...I just have to prove to him that flaws and all, I'm not going anywhere.
 
Wow, that's actually really sweet!
He is absolutely wonderful, and although he frustrates me sometimes I love him dearly. He is the first diagnosed aspie I've dated but I suspect now after researching that the last man I was in love with was also an aspie, and he was much less affectionate. So I guess that's what's really confused me, but I guess everyone is different, aspies and NTs alike!
I do like his affectionate side quite a bit, but I'm now considering telling him that I need my space a bit, in a kind way of course because he can be quite sensitive (one of the many things that I love about him)
Thank you so much for your kind and insightful answer, I truly appreciate it!

No problem! I wish you luck with your boyfriend. :)
 
Definitely can relate to what InfinityRose says. I am an all-or-nothing type of person. I can't say whether your boyfriend is or not. I, at least, would never do something just to make someone else happy, that's not something I am capable of. So I doubt he is giving this affection just to make you happy. I'd look for involuntary reactions to find out if he's really enjoying it or not, the things that most people simply can't fake. I'd bet you'll find them everywhere and that it's real. Especially if you are considering kindly asking for space... if he was faking his attraction for you, it would likely not be so consistent. I can speak from experience though, sometimes aspies take it really hard with such a discussion. I took it so hard once when my girlfriend told me that we needed to give each other space, that I went into a meltdown for two weeks and didn't even tell her because I believed she was already mad at me. But looking back, I can't really blame her for bringing on that meltdown, as much as I'm sure she or anyone else wouldn't have wanted me to go through it. So I still would say that if you think such a discussion is necessary, then you should kindly tell him. Hopefully he will not find it too hard to deal with. It always helps to keep reminding both him and yourself of exactly why you are asking for space. Not because he is annoying, but because nothing is limitless in value. Just a little bit of space can really make a lot of difference in making the most out of the good things that you both enjoy so much.

while I understand that reading up on a diagnosis like Aspergers helps you to be informed, I'd advise against doing it excessively. As you've said, all people are different, and that counts for aspies just as much as with anyone else. Looking up Aspergers really only gives you a broad picture. The more you try to narrow the characteristics of an aspie and put it in a single description, the more it seems you'll run into discrepancies. Unless of course you continually revise that description to account for such discrepancies, and at some point that just becomes impractical. So, while it's a lot harder to do, I'd focus not on him being an aspie, but of him in general: what his personality is like, what he's good at, what he's not good at and needs support with, etc. All the things that make him a person. It soudns like you're already doing that. What's most important is the feelings you share, and how you express them. A relationship between nt and aspie is often more challenging but there's no reason to think it's impossible.
 
I think this is what I'm truly afraid of, that he is forcing himself to be affectionate because he is afraid to lose me. I don't want him to feel like he has to do this of it's not something he's comfortable with. Thank you so much for the advice, I think you're right...I just have to prove to him that flaws and all, I'm not going anywhere.
From my experience he isn't doing that. Sounds like he is 'in love and wants to display it.
 
lots of reasons for being clingy so hard to say.

i can relate from my own experience as an aspie.

when i really like someone, it is easier for me to express myself and therefore may overdo it since its exciting to me and i am comfortable enough to express myself more. this is something i learned later in life as i had a difficult time expressing myself in any case in my younger years.

i also like touch with people i really like because in other cases it is creepy, so in these circumstances, it feels really good. i like touch also since its a nice feedback since i have a hard time reading the more subtle body language cues.

best thing is to communicate directly with him in a nonthreatening way. he will appreciate the feedback. also dont press for immediate response as it may take him awhile to process an answer
 

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