Moving forward but still feeling haunted by the past...

[Dobokdude]

Hey guys, been quite a while but figure it's time I came back So I'm going on 21 in June, and I'm at a point in my life now where I can really take my life in a positive direction even given my troubled past. I have ASD(Autism Spectrum Disorder) and struggled with bad social skills and years of family dysfunction(parents fought alot, Dad was unsupportive lot of the time, sister has tried to kill herself several times, etc). I will be taking my NREMT test to become an EMT and moving out from my mom's house to get space from all that and to further work on myself. I am pretty much normal in terms of social intuition now(have proper give and take in conversations as opposed to rambling, more mindful of appropriate/inappropriate topics and boundaries, etc) and don't hyperfixate on things as much as I used to(but still have to catch myself at times).


Thing is, I still do have a flip flop mood regarding my past. I was clingy and annoying in elementary school, kinda weird and really awkward in middle school and was an awkward loner in high school. I have those moments where I still feel bad about moments where I blatantly weirded other kids out, or just thinking of how I was in general(in middle school, I preferred Legos and sword fights with younger kids). TBH, some of my traits and behaviors weren't inherently bad but due to hyperfixation tendencies an not understanding boundaries I took them too far which caused conflict or made it hard to make friends or be open to new things. Part of it is also the feeling that I'm playing catchup to everyone else. I mean, I would say now I have the social awareness that others had even in elementary/middle school and its frustrating thinking how difficult talking to people and connecting with others back then and thinking now ''this is what others had from the get go.'' This sense of self conscious on fairly recently being a ''normal'' person and thinking I'll never be truly on the same level of others given my past experiences and traits.


I don't want to focus on that previous stuff so much since I know that can actually lead to the negative outcomes I was afraid of. I don't feel too bad about not having a Hollywood high school experience since I don't really care for alcohol, parties or crazy drama(and HS in general is romanticized too much) but still wish I maybe did certain activities like video game club or wrestling and got out a bit more. I do find I would still like to experience having a girlfriend, friends and do certain things, but time will tell how the rest of this year will go. Thoughts?

 

[Gift2humanity]

I find it useful to feel "uncomfortable feelings from the past" in my body, as the body is where the feelings are held.
Over-thinking hinders things.
If we can learn to be still in the mind, and with our "mental sense of touch" feel our feelings, notice them, let the feeling of them go wherever they need to go in our bodies.
It takes practice, it's the only way.
The mind does not give insights.
Insights come into the mind.
They come into the mind when the "mind environment" is suitable, e.g. still enough.

As for partners, when we hanker after one, no one comes, when we don't they do.
In my teens I hankered after a partner, no one came.
Then the wrong partners came, and I caused needless trouble for myself.
Then, I was ok being single, and guess what, people started coming.
I'm single now, and ok with that.
Hope this post helps.

 

[Suzanne]

I also suffer from PTSD and find that as long as I do not allow my brain to go to far into memory banks, I can control my emotions and that also, refers to "well meaning ones" who think they are being supportive, but if anything, cause those terrible emotions to come piling up, so I have to say: stop!

The pain of the past can never go away, because otherwise, it would not be a painful experience.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

This is from someone who is 54 years old. One can say that a person's life experience may contribute to the kind of person they are today,...but may not be predictive of what kind of person they will be tomorrow. Having said that, if your thoughts are consumed with all your life's "should haves, would haves, and could haves", it's likely you're not going to progress into your life's goals and dreams. You can't move forward in life while looking in the rearview mirror.

The good Lord knows the long, long, long list of mistakes I have made in my past, but thankfully, I can treat them as learning experiences,...and not something that inhibits my forward progression in life, but rather accelerates it. I think I spend most of my time thinking 5 or 10 years into the future (the home I am going to build, where I am going to live, my investments, the world in 2030, etc.).

Keep your eye on "the long game" and what it may take to reach your goals in life. Always have something to strive for and to keep you motivated. The past is "the train that has already left the station",...let it go.

 

[Gift2humanity]

I also suffer from PTSD and find that as long as I do not allow my brain to go to far into memory banks, I can control my emotions and that also, refers to "well meaning ones" who think they are being supportive, but if anything, cause those terrible emotions to come piling up, so I have to say: stop!

The pain of the past can never go away, because otherwise, it would not be a painful experience.

I've begun to try to learn to live with the pain of the past.
Problems arise for me when I use my mind to start brooding over it, no pain ever got healed that way.
Rather, I'm beginning the practice of learning to "feel" emotions physically, and try my best not to go over and over them in my mind.
For me, it's about learning to feel them, learning to express them, so the "charge" dissappears and the pain dissolves.
We do not need those we feel have wronged us to say "sorry", to me it is about learning to find a way to discharge that discomfort associated with the emotions that pop up so the pain can dissolve.

 

[Gift2humanity]

This is from someone who is 54 years old. One can say that a person's life experience may contribute to the kind of person they are today,...but may not be predictive of what kind of person they will be tomorrow. Having said that, if your thoughts are consumed with all your life's "should haves, would haves, and could haves", it's likely you're not going to progress into your life's goals and dreams. You can't move forward in life while looking in the rearview mirror.

The good Lord knows the long, long, long list of mistakes I have made in my past, but thankfully, I can treat them as learning experiences,...and not something that inhibits my forward progression in life, but rather accelerates it. I think I spend most of my time thinking 5 or 10 years into the future (the home I am going to build, where I am going to live, my investments, the world in 2030, etc.).

Keep your eye on "the long game" and what it may take to reach your goals in life. Always have something to strive for and to keep you motivated. The past is "the train that has already left the station",...let it go.

I'm 54 years old too.
Yes, God knows all the errors we have made in our past.
I think it is our response to our early experience that shapes us, until we learn to respond in more healthier ways.

We can feel the pain of regret, physically, and "be with it", but brooding over it, yes, that is futile.

My mind is either in the past or the future.
Never in the present, which is the only real thing.
The past is a "has-been", a "was" and the future is a "might be", "could be" etc, which I need to train myself to stop worrying about, as it does not yet exist.

I don't even think I can begin to think of goals until I have mastered the ability to be in the here and now.

 

[OkRad]

Human beings are grotesquely complicated. We have bodies that drive us in a million ways and a mind that makes us think we have all this free will. And then when someone can't reach a goal, my illusion of free will asserts that you just need a little more XY or Z

In the end, you have to know your own drives and limitations and work with them. We are quite similar in many ways, but our minds are our own mad spaces. Some of us will not make it, others will.

Free will? Can I stop laughing now?