More therapy?

[MrsPatty]

My teen was diagnosed with Autism (Aspergers) last fall. At the suggestion of the insurance company, we signed up for ABA therapy. Now that therapy is over, our teen is back to cursing us out when we take items away or threatening to run away, sometimes even suicide. I am now realizing the reason for this is because they won’t “get in trouble” by the therapist anymore now that ABA is over.

Do we just find another therapist? Our autistic child is very unreasonable, doesn’t care about hygiene, appearance or following the rules. They talk to themselves and it’s very severe, the therapist told us that my teen is practicing what to say to others, but I listen and hear them in there talking in a very degrading manner(talking in a different voice, yelling at self, etc). I’m very tired of being call idiot, b words and all types of other things. Punishment doesn’t work. At all. Therapist recommend that they find something constructive to do other than electronics but instead they just lay in the room. Talking to oneself or tearing stuff up.

What should we do? They graduate high school next year and I just don’t know how they will do own their own at college. Do we get another evaluation? Another therapist? I’m not even comfortable in my own home and find myself getting depressed.

Phone/games get taken away for things like not doing homework. Not doing chores. We tried letting them earn Internet/phone time for doing chores but that didn’t work.

 

[Kevin1968]

All teens act up, it's their nature anyway. Sleeping late, rebelling against rules it's all typical behaviour.
It seems strange to me that you think your son is more intimidated by the therapist? ABA has some opposition perhaps research other approaches (some will likely be suggested by others here).

Is electronics his special interest? Why discourage him from it? It can easily become a career.

I'm not saying don't encourage other activities, just try gentle pushing, seeing what else does interest him.

Also try looking at things from his viewpoint, try and understand him, what he likes, what he dislikes, is he hyper sensitive or hypo sensitive to light, sound, touch etc.

 

[OkRad]

My teen was diagnosed with Autism (Aspergers) last fall. At the suggestion of the insurance company, we signed up for ABA therapy. Now that therapy is over, our teen is back to cursing us out when we take items away or threatening to run away, sometimes even suicide. I am now realizing the reason for this is because they won’t “get in trouble” by the therapist anymore now that ABA is over.

Do we just find another therapist? Our autistic child is very unreasonable, doesn’t care about hygiene, appearance or following the rules. They talk to themselves and it’s very severe, the therapist told us that my teen is practicing what to say to others, but I listen and hear them in there talking in a very degrading manner(talking in a different voice, yelling at self, etc). I’m very tired of being call idiot, b words and all types of other things. Punishment doesn’t work. At all. Therapist recommend that they find something constructive to do other than electronics but instead they just lay in the room. Talking to oneself or tearing stuff up.

What should we do? They graduate high school next year and I just don’t know how they will do own their own at college. Do we get another evaluation? Another therapist? I’m not even comfortable in my own home and find myself getting depressed.

Phone/games get taken away for things like not doing homework. Not doing chores. We tried letting them earn Internet/phone time for doing chores but that didn’t work.

Maybe try loving them unconditionally? It sounds like you don't even like them, let alone love them. If that is the case, find a relative who does love them. You told us NOTHING about their gifts, NOTHING good about them at all. Shame on you!

There are a lot of older aspies who will tell you, after YEARS of therapy and trying so hard and it's never enough.....You CANNOT fix the ASD.

The world is traumatizing enough. Do YOU want to be the next source of trauma for your child?!! Talk to people on here who had crappy parents who had the attitude you have and then talk to the ones who have or had parents who loved them.

Again, you will NEVER fix the ASD. It cannot be fixed and with the load of co-morbidities, you are describing, they may indeed have a hell to live out. And you can make it better or you can make it worse.

At least love your child and if you can't YOU need therapy or to send them to someone who will love them and see their gifts because they probably have a lot of them.

You are the one who can make the difference. Are you going to allow them to have at least some memories of being loved if the world turns out to be too much for their ASD. Or are you going to turn them into another Aspie who comes on here is a few years, telling how their own parents were a source of torment?!

For God's sake, don't be like the cruel inhumane world which sees no worth in someone with ASD! They are your dear child, a GIFT TO YOU! Act like it.

 

[Aspychata]

How about sitting them down in a non-confrontational manner and ask them. School has been difficult for you. Do you need a tutor? Do want an extra year to graduate? Do you think you will be ready for college? Do want to go to a trade school? Treat them as an adult who has made some poor choices. Give them responsibility by telling them to check out any schools that offer trades education such as electronics. Throw the ball in to their court. Tell them that they will be responsible for room and board by age 18 if they don't have it together for college. That means going out and getting a job.

My daughter did not want a driver's license. I made sure she was signed up. And l gave her my car. All of the sudden, the car gave her independence. Then she decided she needed a job, and yes, it really happened. She worked cashier. Now she was tired of dead end jobs, and she is attending college.

So sometimes threatening or forcing issues with teenagers has zero outcome. You have to be a tab creative in approaching your charge. Lol

I think by sitting them down, you can get a feeling if they are ready for college or maybe just just ready for p/t work now. Check to see if any resources for your teenager to take advantage off. Also assign a responsibility for your teen to have regarding chores. You know this person, you need to step up to the plate and be the mentor, or you need to step aside and ask help from a relative.

 

[Aspychata]

Great job of you coming here and seeking help. Really believe that you took the first step in trying to understand and navigate your teen's future. It's hard to get outside the family drama and gather your thoughts. This forum is very supportive and welcome to the site. Maybe suggest your teen come to this site also.

As a parent, l think we should strive for our teenagers to be financially independent and emotionally independent of dependent behaviors such as drugs, and so on. Maybe keep this as your note to yourself as the ultimate goal.

 

[clg114]

Welcome to Autism Forums! I believe you will get a lot of very good advice here. I hope that it will help you handle your family situation the best way that you can.

 

[MrsPatty]

Great job of you coming here and seeking help. Really believe that you took the first step in trying to understand and navigate your teen's future. It's hard to get outside the family drama and gather your thoughts. This forum is very supportive and welcome to the site. Maybe suggest your teen come to this site also.

As a parent, l think we should strive for our teenagers to be financially independent and emotionally independent of dependent behaviors such as drugs, and so on. Maybe keep this as your note to yourself as the ultimate goal.

This is a great idea. They want to work a job so we have linked up with a program that will help them get a job with employers that hire special needs employees. We just worry of the things my teen has told me. Like if someone tries to do them wrong, they said they will set the store on fire or punch the boss. That’s the type of stuff we don’t want to happen. We implemented an allowance for chores but they gave up on that. We tried to encourage it

 

[MrsPatty]

How about sitting them down in a non-confrontational manner and ask them. School has been difficult for you. Do you need a tutor? Do want an extra year to graduate? Do you think you will be ready for college? Do want to go to a trade school? Treat them as an adult who has made some poor choices. Give them responsibility by telling them to check out any schools that offer trades education such as electronics. Throw the ball in to their court. Tell them that they will be responsible for room and board by age 18 if they don't have it together for college. That means going out and getting a job.

My daughter did not want a driver's license. I made sure she was signed up. And l gave her my car. All of the sudden, the car gave her independence. Then she decided she needed a job, and yes, it really happened. She worked cashier. Now she was tired of dead end jobs, and she is attending college.

So sometimes threatening or forcing issues with teenagers has zero outcome. You have to be a tab creative in approaching your charge. Lol

I think by sitting them down, you can get a feeling if they are ready for college or maybe just just ready for p/t work now. Check to see if any resources for your teenager to take advantage off. Also assign a responsibility for your teen to have regarding chores. You know this person, you need to step up to the plate and be the mentor, or you need to step aside and ask help from a relative.

We have tried this, others have come in (relatives, counselors, more therapists). Other parties that are not therapist do not understand. “is there something else wrong that is not being treated?”. The school counselor wanted the school psychologist to re-evaluate. When trade school was recommended to my teen by the counselor, my teen went off on her. She felt this reaction was not normal and was bothered. My teen told me they were upset that it felt like the counselor was saying they were dumb and couldn’t do college. I reassured them that they can accomplish whatever they want in life. They do not have to do trade school. They would NOT let the trade school comment go for weeks. Then we got scared, because it began to felt like my teen was plotting against the school counselor

 

[MrsPatty]

Maybe try loving them unconditionally? It sounds like you don't even like them, let alone love them. If that is the case, find a relative who does love them. You told us NOTHING about their gifts, NOTHING good about them at all. Shame on you!

There are a lot of older aspies who will tell you, after YEARS of therapy and trying so hard and it's never enough.....You CANNOT fix the ASD.

The world is traumatizing enough. Do YOU want to be the next source of trauma for your child?!! Talk to people on here who had crappy parents who had the attitude you have and then talk to the ones who have or had parents who loved them.

Again, you will NEVER fix the ASD. It cannot be fixed and with the load of co-morbidities, you are describing, they may indeed have a hell to live out. And you can make it better or you can make it worse.

At least love your child and if you can't YOU need therapy or to send them to someone who will love them and see their gifts because they probably have a lot of them.

You are the one who can make the difference. Are you going to allow them to have at least some memories of being loved if the world turns out to be too much for their ASD. Or are you going to turn them into another Aspie who comes on here is a few years, telling how their own parents were a source of torment?!

For God's sake, don't be like the cruel inhumane world which sees no worth in someone with ASD! They are your dear child, a GIFT TO YOU! Act like it.

Watch your tone, do not reply to me until you come correct. You will be ignored until you do

 

[Aspychata]

That's great that was offered. Some people make excellent money in the trades when the white collar jobs are drying up. Anger issues seem to be the underlying theme. This needs to be addressed. Being on the spectrum means that we ruminate alot on *perceived wrongs* . I could get an award for that. So l ask kindly that you continue to sit your teenager down and repeatly ask the same questions. Do you want a year off from college? My daughter realized she didn't want dead end jobs and started college. She had plenty of obsessions. I never took away her gaming, computers, because l felt it would turn into a power struggle. If you step back a bit, just tell them if you don't have plan, you need to get a job and pay 200 dollars a month for the room and board once you graduate from HS. This may get them moving.

These kids are smart, they can decide to work us over as parents especially if they think we signed up. If you step back and engage less, call them on coming to age responsibilities then the focus is less on behaviors.

Feel free to pm me on conservations. My daughter was definitely a struggle. So l stepped back alot because they have to navigate some of their own choices even if we disagree with those choices. So my daughter didn't start college until a year later.

 

[MrsPatty]

All teens act up, it's their nature anyway. Sleeping late, rebelling against rules it's all typical behaviour.
It seems strange to me that you think your son is more intimidated by the therapist? ABA has some opposition perhaps research other approaches (some will likely be suggested by others here).

Is electronics his special interest? Why discourage him from it? It can easily become a career.

I'm not saying don't encourage other activities, just try gentle pushing, seeing what else does interest him.

Also try looking at things from his viewpoint, try and understand him, what he likes, what he dislikes, is he hyper sensitive or hypo sensitive to light, sound, touch etc.

We’ve told them lets see if we can find other activities that they would be amazing at because they can be really good at other things. We’ve discovered chess (no one in the house can beat them), tried word cross puzzles, new tv shows, bird hunting. They get bored and gravitate toward the video games.

We don’t mind the normal teen stuff. We don’t want anything bad to happen and then throw their life away before getting to live it . What brought things to light was wanting to harm some students and my teen still thinks it’s ok.

 

[Aspychata]

Her father is a doctor but he was hands off with her. I had to go it alone.

My daughter at preschool age, had her own kitten. I think this helped with her understanding compassion and responsibilty.

 

[Aspychata]

Sitting them down and addressing society has norms, and if you go against these norms, you pay a very big price. Ask them point blank , if they are prepared to go to prison for hurting someone? Tough love l think it's called. Lot of teenagers are clueless about the outcomes of bad behavior including teens not even on the spectrum.

You obviously care very deeply for this *little person* and truthfully the teenage years are the toughest torture we go thru as parents. But once their hormones die down, and reality slowly sets in, you breathe a sigh of relief. I remember as a teenager, how intense everything felt, (it's all hormones at that age). Are they driving at this point?

Please take time for yourself, to nurture yourself and do something for you so that you feel good about you. A massage, a day at the mall, volunteer work, swimming, just something to help you see outside of all this. You were here first. My marriage died because l concentrated so much on raising a child on the spectrum. It was 24/7. My child has matured but the preteen and teenager years were super hard. I waited on my daughter hand and foot. But she is in a long-term relationship and in second year of college. Me- l lost my marriage. It was a trade-off.

 

[Kevin1968]

It sounds like your son or daughter (I am curious at why you constantly just use "my teen"?) is frustrated. I suspect they are being hurt mentally by the actions of those around him (students, counsellor and others?) and they are lashing out.

Someone with a passion for electronics is unlikely to be challenged by trade school and they do need to be mentally challenged or else their boredom will cause problems. (imagine trying to keep a thoroughbred stallion in a small stable)

You say they were only diagnosed recently, they may not like being labelled "special needs", they probably already feel isolated from others and that, to them, could make them think they are more of an outcast.



Apologies in advance if you don't like my "tone", I like many others here, often have our "tone" criticised despite being "tone" deaf and having absolutely no idea what is meant by "tone". But communication is a two way thing, if you don't understand me it isn't just my fault but also yours.

 

[Aspychata]

My strategy as a parent? Pick your battles wisely. Only insist on the utmost important things, don't harm people, you need to support yourself which means being responsible. Those two things will go far.

My child is extremely stubborn and l caught that early on. Some people call this grit. I never punished her for this. This is a survival skill in my book. I just picked my battles very very carefully.

 

[OkRad]

Watch your tone, do not reply to me until you come correct. You will be ignored until you do

Good. Ignore me, please.

 

[Aspychata]

We’ve told them lets see if we can find other activities that they would be amazing at because they can be really good at other things. We’ve discovered chess (no one in the house can beat them), tried word cross puzzles, new tv shows, bird hunting. They get bored and gravitate toward the video games.

We don’t mind the normal teen stuff. We don’t want anything bad to happen and then throw their life away before getting to live it . What brought things to light was wanting to harm some students and my teen still thinks it’s ok.

My daughter had every gaming console and every game. We never interfered. Eventually they tire and move on from this.

 

[ForestGumpett]

@MrsPatty

Hello and welcome. Wow, sounds like you have quite a situation.

I’m gonna toss a couple things out there that I haven’t seen yet. I of course could be totally wrong. These are just thoughts because of some things in my past. Two things to be precise;

1). Lyme Disease? Get a western blot, this is hard as heck to get tested for. If your positive, then the insurance will pay over $10,000 - so it’s in the insurance companies best interest if they call it fibromyalgia or something else which happens more than not. Lyme will do things to a persons thinking. This may be part of the problem, again, just tossing it out there. After a 6 wk IV antibiotics treatment a couple years back made all the difference in the world in how my thinking was.

2). Any new antihistamines? How about something for the stomach as simple as Prilosec? I just learned something the hard way, many of these meds have things that mess with dopamine and serotonin- THAT MADE ME MEAN AS HECK! Seriously, had no idea it was in there but yup, a dopamine blocker! As soon as i got off within a day my thinking was back to normal.

Look up any and all meds, esp OTC! Also, with herbs you have to be careful. GABA 5HT (something like that) was another one that is OTC that was suppose to be a feel good pill - nope not for me!


What I’m saying is there may be something you are not seeing or hasn’t been picked up yet. Read up on Lyme Disease, ppl have no idea how wicked it is or how bad it will mess up your mind and thinking.

Oh yeah, I’m suppose to say “I’m not a doctor nor represent one”. Wish you the best (((big hug)))

 

[Finder]

I am sorry you are experiencing all of that. It is tough.

I would look for a therapist that can help you. An Australian therapist, Tony Attwood, has said that autistics that are bullied and mistreated resort to a defensive position very similar to arrogance and conceit. Always taking the position of being better or right. It is kind of like if no one is going to respect me, then I just won't respect them. Generally, these kids are good at their topic and so work from that position of superiority.

BTW, Tony Attwood does have videos and books available. I am not sure how much he has covered that topic in those, but you may what to Google him.

I am really hesitant to give any advice. I really don't understand those involved or the background. I am also not a doctor. I can relate to some of the behavior you described when I was a teenager, but probably not to those extremes. I did practice conversations and sometimes those were animated. It is a way to prepare for conflict and situations to counter abuse at school. Sometimes it is to replay those conflict in order to try to be better if it happened again. But I was very isolated school and had no friends to come to a defense. The world can feel very one sided. Obviously, that was not a very healthy place to be. I did work through all that. Life was certainly better after HS as bullying and abuse was not so consistent. Still, it left a mark.

FYI, I was diagnosed with autism last year at the age of 56. I grew up with autism without any knowledge of it.

I do think you need help. This sounds overwhelming.

 

[Major Tom]

Maybe try loving them unconditionally? It sounds like you don't even like them, let alone love them. If that is the case, find a relative who does love them. You told us NOTHING about their gifts, NOTHING good about them at all. Shame on you!

There are a lot of older aspies who will tell you, after YEARS of therapy and trying so hard and it's never enough.....You CANNOT fix the ASD.

The world is traumatizing enough. Do YOU want to be the next source of trauma for your child?!! Talk to people on here who had crappy parents who had the attitude you have and then talk to the ones who have or had parents who loved them.

Again, you will NEVER fix the ASD. It cannot be fixed and with the load of co-morbidities, you are describing, they may indeed have a hell to live out. And you can make it better or you can make it worse.

At least love your child and if you can't YOU need therapy or to send them to someone who will love them and see their gifts because they probably have a lot of them.

You are the one who can make the difference. Are you going to allow them to have at least some memories of being loved if the world turns out to be too much for their ASD. Or are you going to turn them into another Aspie who comes on here is a few years, telling how their own parents were a source of torment?!

For God's sake, don't be like the cruel inhumane world which sees no worth in someone with ASD! They are your dear child, a GIFT TO YOU! Act like it.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

OP... Stop expecting your child to be normal, they are not and never will be. It will take you far. I also hate it when people say "my autistic child" and so on putting the label in front of the the fact that it's a human being that is the subject.

If you can't take it move out, or accept reality that it is what it is. You'll have to wait patiently for him or her to figure out things on their own and gently guide them along the way. Not treat them with the negativity your post is just writhing with.

Also ABA is known by many as a form of torture as its basically the same methods you use to train a dog so maybe he's/she's acting out because of that trauma they put them through.