Mom of 15 year old boy with autism, anxiety, adhd,ocd who is struggling socially

[Skuppy73]

Hello to all. I need some guidance or at least maybe another parent who can identify with what I am experiencing with my son. He has no friends. He is a sophomore in high school. He has so much trouble fitting in. He is in an inclusion class and does well. He isn’t brilliant but he is def smart. He wants to fit in so badly that his anxiety over this is through the roof.
I have tried social groups and now put him in a video gaming club hoping that he will find at least 1friend, in time, as he has only gone 3 times so far. Part of the problem is that he is fighting his diagnoses and wants to be “normal” and hang out with NT boys his age. He is angry at times and has recently received a depression dx. He admitted to suicidal thoughts. He has a therapist and a pediatrician that specializes in adolescents. (His son is also on the spectrum.)
I try to talk to him. We all do, but nothing gets through. He hears only what he wants to hear and when things go wrong, he finally admits that I was right. Unfortunately by then, it’s usually too late to correct his behaviors and his peers at school have already noticed his issues…..Then starts the pattern of anxiety and being stuck and he can’t get out of his own way.
He is always home and has no other interests besides til tok and video games. In all fairness, he has no one to hang out with so his options are limited. We try to get him out of the house but he has a thing about being seen with his parents. The other day, 4 girls in his class were in Starbucks making fun of him behind his back, right in front of me! I was livid! I let them have it! So upsetting as a mom!
He has so many issues but he is a good kid that just really wants friends and wants to fit in somewhere. I know if he had just one friend, it would be so good for him. He needs to have those kinds of interactions and experiences.
He’s tried applying for jobs locally but no luck so far. He really wants a job thinking maybe he will find friends that way but so far, no luck. Idk. I just feel I am failing him. I am so worried about him and his future. And I have no idea what that future looks like although the school wants a projected plan for after high school. Yes, ok! I have no idea! I know when I was that age I had no clue what my future looked like, and he has a lot of growing up and maturing to do up until then. I just hope it happens. I’m just so worried. Does anyone feel this way or have any advice? I’ve tried to find support groups for myself and him but there is really a lack of help where we are. He tried a social group but the kids were not like him. It wasn’t a good fit. He was more angry when he came out of it so that was a major fail. Parenting, hardest job EVER!!!

 

[TBRS1]

This is very hard, for you and the child. I am sorry that you are forced to experience this.

I have no solution, but some possibilities. I am autistic myself, and I was a high school teacher until I retired - I've seen others in this situation.

1. Students at the high school asked me to be "advisor" for the Anime Club. When they met weekly, I saw an entire group of about 30 kids who definitely DID NOT "fit in" form a loose friend group - essentially, an organically formed mutual support group.

I have seen this happen in other groups - my own children found refuge in the Theater Club. STEM clubs seem to be good too.

So an after school group or club might help.

However, joining one can't be a forced choice. Since you know the child's interests, it might be possible to find a group at the local high school.

It might be a good idea to meet privately with the faculty advisor, explain the situation, and ask if there are a couple of friendly kids in the group who might reach out to your child, possibly "show them the ropes" (which secretly means "take your child under their wings" ).

2. My nephew (autistic) was not physically social, however he had a massive online friend network based around his favorite computer game nexus.

Not everybody who wants interactions actually wants face-to-face connections, some folks are perfectly fine with or even prefer socializing at a distance (me, for example ). It might be necessary to broaden one's thoughts about the ways in which meaningful social interactions can take place.

I know neither one of these things is especially helpful. Hopefully there will be others who can help.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

What you are describing certainly is consistent with many of our life experiences. Life is a difficult and cruel teacher sometimes. It's no secret that young people can be mercilessly cruel towards anyone perceived as "different". All we want to do, as a young person, is to just fit in and "be normal". As an adult, we know that this does become less overt as we get older, but you're dealing with this in the present. It isn't going to help now telling him in 10 years, things will be better. The tragedy is that autistics have 6X the suicide rate of the rest of the population, if there is ideation there, we take it seriously. It's not some phase where we are looking for help or attention, like so many other young people. Those of us that make it through those early years, over time, I think we just get worn down, tired of the struggle, and give up on people, in general. We keep our inner circle of people very small.

Mainstreaming some autistic kids is not a good idea. The relentless mental and even physical abuse from their classmates just makes living a Hell. You have no control over those other kids. You are put into a situation where you are damned if you do and damned if you don't isolate your child from that constant barrage. He's 15, and by now, he's already shown his abilities to fit into society. At this point, I would be suggesting home schooling, having him focus on life skills, a degree or a trade, and prepare him to be a good, useful citizen. Eliminate the constant torment and distraction. The reality is that he will learn that the only reliable person in his life just might be himself, so teaching independence is a huge priority. It may seem the path of least resistance is to have him live with you and you being his "safety net", but life happens, there may be a day when you aren't able to be there for him, and he needs those skills to take care of himself. You need the peace of mind that "he's going to be OK", "he's got things handled". He will have to simply learn to live with discomfort and do things because he has responsibilities, and his feelings simply don't matter. A difficult, harsh reality especially when you have heightened sensory issues and sensitivities to social rejection.

The reality is that many of us, especially as adults have a life without true friends. We may have friendly acquaintances, but no true friends. If we do, it's that ONE person. He doesn't have to know this now, but likely that's what is in his future. Don't ask us about girlfriends/boyfriends. Don't bring it up. The vast majority are tormented, depressed, frustrated, even angry about the topic. Jokingly, the only way any one of us actually finds a friend or life-partner is if the other person is extroverted enough to "adopt" us. My wife "found" me. 99.9% of the social planning and interactions occur through her. The kids communicate with me through her. I don't receive phone calls or texts unless it is her.

Most of us will never "fit in". We can co-exist, but most are out on the periphery. As it is often said, there's a glass wall between us and other people.

All anyone can realistically do is to adapt and overcome. We have to find our own way, often through years of trial and error. As a parent, you want the best for your child and have dreams of what they could eventually be, but as much helpful wisdom and guidance you can provide might not be the RIGHT advice for someone with an autism condition. We experience life totally different than the rest of the people out there. We hear, see, smell, taste, think, you name it, it's different than neurotypicals. Sometimes it's good thing when innovation and problem solving is involved, but most of the time, it's just like being a visiting alien from another planet. You are there, but not there, constantly perplexed by human behavior, and have difficulties interpreting the intentions of others.

I can go on and on here, but I would consider removing him from that environment.

 

[Roisin]

This is a tough time for you both, the natural drive to be connected to peers at your sons age and the limited success with this must feel very isolating for him.

The sense of not belonging and being an 'other' is something many, if not most ASD folk experience as their normal particularly in childhood/adolescence.

My perspective on this is to safeguard his mental health, and to think about what is socially sustainable longterm?
Teenage friends will not ensure that feeling of connection, how far should he push himself, how much of his energy should he use in the pursuit of friendship?

Being part of a few alternative types of groups helped me to mix with more people than those from school, which in turn gave me a little more confidence in social school situations.
Groups based on shared special interests were easier for me than classroom groups. They didn't necessarily lead to friendships, but more like situational friends.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

He Needs to locate a friend is is also on the spectrum, I was lucky that person was my brother. This friend will be hard to locate as they will be masking, get to know some of the other mothers. Usually the other bright kids, the nerds. Your son is not the only kid in his school, on the spectrum.

 

[Judge]

It is terribly difficult to walk a line of both masking, yet not trying too hard to socialize with people. I can only lament that the harder one tries, even with great sincerity, that the odds are that they will fail. Even more so, when a child is being mainstreamed in a public school where it may be difficult to seek his own kind. (I felt increasingly isolated in high school).

I didn't have a clue I could be autistic until the age of 55. In the meantime I just struggled through life perceiving myself as some kind of weird introvert and little else.

Sorry I can't really add something more beneficial to say, other than I get it having "been there" myself. A very tough journey for a teenager without support from his real neurological peers, IMO.

 

[Misty Avich]

I feel for your son, as I went through the exact same thing when I was his age. I felt embarrassed about being a burden on my mum while all my cousins and siblings had friends.

Many female Aspies who go to mainstream school seem to find themselves at least one friend that loves them, but I was the stereotypical Billy-No-Mates type of Aspie even though I'm level 1. I guess I spent all my energy on masking my ADHD (which I didn't know I had at the time) than ASD. Even though I wasn't obvious, it still didn't win me many friends and I was probably the most unpopular person in my class.

Like you, my mum got me to join a club to help me make friends outside of school, because she thought it'd help. But it was a club for disabled teenagers and I didn't fit in there at all. I was stuck in that awkward position where I was too weird for NT peers but too NT for (mentally) disabled peers.

I do feel for your son. I wanted to be "normal" too, ever since I got the diagnosis at the age of 8 and a half. It made me angry and resentful about myself and unfair it was that I had to be the one born like this and felt so genetically unlucky.

I remember my mum telling the social worker that I was too clingy with my sister and that I "needed to let her have friends". But I think I was just envious because she was doing better than me socially, even though she had learning difficulties, and even social delays when she was little. I wanted her to be a social outcast like me so that I wasn't alone. I felt she had more worth than me because she had friends, while nobody in my class wanted to hang out with me. I was so lonely that it's basically traumatic for me to think about.

 

[Skuppy73]

This is very hard, for you and the child. I am sorry that you are forced to experience this.

I have no solution, but some possibilities. I am autistic myself, and I was a high school teacher until I retired - I've seen others in this situation.

1. Students at the high school asked me to be "advisor" for the Anime Club. When they met weekly, I saw an entire group of about 30 kids who definitely DID NOT "fit in" form a loose friend group - essentially, an organically formed mutual support group.

I have seen this happen in other groups - my own children found refuge in the Theater Club. STEM clubs seem to be good too.

So an after school group or club might help.

However, joining one can't be a forced choice. Since you know the child's interests, it might be possible to find a group at the local high school.

It might be a good idea to meet privately with the faculty advisor, explain the situation, and ask if there are a couple of friendly kids in the group who might reach out to your child, possibly "show them the ropes" (which secretly means "take your child under their wings" ).

2. My nephew (autistic) was not physically social, however he had a massive online friend network based around his favorite computer game nexus.

Not everybody who wants interactions actually wants face-to-face connections, some folks are perfectly fine with or even prefer socializing at a distance (me, for example ). It might be necessary to broaden one's thoughts about the ways in which meaningful social interactions can take place.

I know neither one of these things is especially helpful. Hopefully there will be others who can help.

 

[Skuppy73]

I appreciate your input. He has tried a tech club- went over like a lead balloon. He just started in best buddies and liked it bc he felt he was helping the students that were worse off than he is. We try to encourage him to be involved in other clubs but he resists bc of his anxiety.
Long ago I adopted the frame of mind that his definition of happiness may be different than mine. The truth is, at this point, that he is the one that says he wants to have friends.
It isn’t my wishes being imposed on him bc that’s the way I see things as a NT adult. He wants to be able to go to the mall and hang out, eat pizza, go to the movies….. He doesn’t want online friends. He wants the real thing. He sees all of these kids on social media and thinks he’s missing out. He tells me he wants a teenage life and he feels he’s missing out on it. That’s what makes it so hard. He knows they make fun of him. He knows they shun him. He’s very astute in that way. He just keeps trying. I wish he was happy being a lone wolf but the truth is that he isn’t. I’m sorry I’m rambling. I just need to blow off some steam and feel like someone hears me. I appreciate everyone’s input.

 

[velociraptor]

Mainstreaming some autistic kids is not a good idea.

Honestly, not in my case. I didn't learn how to read social cues until well into adulthood and it wasn't cheap to pay for lessons for this. I just did not mix well with NT kids at junior high school or in high school. I did best when mixing with kids who shared my interests at clubs outside of school.

 

[kityoume]

now there are many such detached people like your son and this has become a variant of the norm, it is important for you to understand first of all that he did not belong to your generation in which everything was arranged differently and not communicating with classmates meant true detachment. Support your son in his hobbies, even if his hobby is TikTok, perhaps offer him to create TikToks on topics that he likes, this can be done without showing your face, but review, for example, those topics on which he attends a club of interests. Communication with subscribers can become more comfortable for him since these people do not require constant involvement in relationships like real friends, but at the same time they like what he does. Accept the fact that your son may never be the way you would like to see him, and the way you think is better for him to be. 15 years old is already a grown guy for him it can be a real big problem that his peers laugh at him, seeing him with his parents, so do not impose yourself on him, let him just do what he likes and do not create drama from the fact that he has no friends. Your task is, on the contrary, to lower the importance of this for him, instead of constantly reminding him that he should make friends with someone and frantically waiting for this to happen, start telling him that not being close friends with anyone is also normal and support his desire to do something. For example, if he wants to shoot for TikTok, try to buy him a new camera, if he wants to make music, buy him the instrument he wants, just do not impose anything on him, follow what he is genuinely interested in. Suggest that he start preparing for entering a university, for example, in the field of IT, which such people often like, or something else that he wants. Help him relax and accept the fact that he has no friends, there is a high probability that he will never have many of them, at best such people find one or two with whom he feels comfortable, but for this he should just be himself and live his life. If he feels more comfortable on the Internet, let it be the Internet, try not to drag him anywhere involuntarily and do not go with him where his peers can see him.

 

[kityoume]

I appreciate your input. He has tried a tech club- went over like a lead balloon. He just started in best buddies and liked it bc he felt he was helping the students that were worse off than he is. We try to encourage him to be involved in other clubs but he resists bc of his anxiety.

Long ago I adopted the frame of mind that his definition of happiness may be different than mine. The truth is, at this point, that he is the one that says he wants to have friends.

It isn’t my wishes being imposed on him bc that’s the way I see things as a NT adult. He wants to be able to go to the mall and hang out, eat pizza, go to the movies….. He doesn’t want online friends. He wants the real thing. He sees all of these kids on social media and thinks he’s missing out. He tells me he wants a teenage life and he feels he’s missing out on it. That’s what makes it so hard. He knows they make fun of him. He knows they shun him. He’s very astute in that way. He just keeps trying. I wish he was happy being a lone wolf but the truth is that he isn’t. I’m sorry I’m rambling. I just need to blow off some steam and feel like someone hears me. I appreciate everyone’s input.

You should explain to him that everyone has their own path, some teenagers eat pizza in the mall, some don't and that's life too. Try to tell him the main idea that the problem is not in him but in the circumstances, maybe when he goes to university he will make friends there because students are more thoughtful and friendly and schoolchildren can be angry and aggressive. Tell him that for now this is how it is and that's also normal, but maybe in the future in a new team everything will change. Suggest that he watch videos on TikTok and YouTube on how to find friends, how to meet people, how to deal with anxiety, professionals explain there.

 

[AspieChris]

My brother was/is like your son. Very angry. Trouble fitting in. Few if any friends. Very smart. Constantly battling everyone around him…. but it’s never his own fault. Etc.

My advice is to start with food. Simple foods. Meals like clockwork, whatever works. Avoid caffeine and internet use. Get out into nature with him as much as possible. Left to our own choices, we usually pick the bad stuff (tv, soda, junk food,) Don’t even think about balanced nutrition at first. Routines matter more than nutrients.

Forget everything you think you know about raising a child and start back at the basics: Food, hydration, and sleep. And be patient. It takes a long time to undo bad habits.

And my brother still struggles, blames everyone but himself. But he has a wife, house, children, and his own business at 50 years old.

 

[grommet]

Hello to all. Parenting, hardest job EVER!!!

Hello, I am autistic. I am a male. I am 57 and I was your son, just like him I think. He loves things, probably a game. He wants to know more about it, get better at it. He wants that more than he wants a friend or to talk and explain something to someone and talk over them. He wants it so much he will find a way no matter what to talk to someone who knows more about it and is better than he is.

What I am saying is there were things so important to me they made me forget everything else. How scared I was to be around other people, be in public, ride buses, how much my stomach hurt, I was so busy being excited, feeling that joy because it was about something I loved, I forgot about all those things for the chance to do thing I loved so much and find out more about it. I was my own motivation.

Autistic people are very strong. It seems the opposite because you see the anxiety, the constant nervousness and depressive talk but see out eyes light up (expression) when we are near something we love. We love it so much we will do things that amaze you and wonder why you were amazed.

I used to make a joke that Brion Toss was the god of rigging. The subject is sailboat rigging. It meant everything to me, it was in my heart. To meet Brion Toss and go to one of his lectures I did anything I had to. Buses, heat, stomach aches, confusion. I was so happy I was in bliss to talk about my favorite thing and learn from the person who was the best.

Your son can do anything. If he has the chance to get closer to something he loves but people are in between him or distances or fears, he will go so fast past those things, going towards what he loves because some expert is talking about it or showing it, doing it.

People helping me 'get over' my problems was hard long work and it never felt good even if I made progress but people helping me find other people who loved what I did and knew more and could show me things, that made me so excited I could do things I never could just so I could do it.

Autistic people are very strong and when something is their obsessive interest, something that really makes us happy, the most intense joy, we will solve anything to get to it.

What I am saying is I feel sad hearing about him and I wish I could talk to him but he would be just as uncomfortable talking to me as anyone else but if he finds out someone is going to talk about his favorite game or something so important to him (I do not know if it is possible to make non-autistic people understand how much our interest mean to us, it is like heaven), if he finds out about something like that, I think he will get himself online writing an email to that person or joining a group or doing anything he has to because it is about something he loves and he will go past his difficulties so fast it could amaze you. He will be so focused he will not even notice.

If he could do this a little, he could do it more. Eventually he might go on trips out of town by himself just for a convention. Hotels, airlines, money, food, all by himself. But he wants to do what they do and he sees all of these people went to college to study things so they could be better at it. Or they got jobs in companies so they could be closer to the game (I am using a game he might love as an example, it could be anything else, horses, bicycles, cooking, math). He will want so badly to be better at what he loves, to know more about it, to do it more he will do anything for that and suddenly he knows people, is at school, has a job. Because it is all about something he loves so much the pain and fear he feels normally will be too far behind his excitement to notice them.

Autistic people are very, very strong. We will do anything for the things we love. I think he has things that make him happy. I would show some interest in one of those things and ask him a question about it. Then ask him why that is true, why does that happen, who started it, why can't they do it another way? As he explains what he knows he will feel a powerful feeling to find out the other answers and for that he will need other people and things.

No good reason to go to school if it is only every second misery. Literally ( I do not use the word literally for emphasis) every single second without a break. Survival and unhappiness until he can get away from it. Then there is the thing he loves and the world is great. He loves that world.

Autistic people are in careers because of that. I dated an autistic woman could not bear being around people, it was agony for her. She would go on overnight camping trips in small intimate groups where they all slept onboard the sailboat. Because boats meant everything to her. No one had to motivate her.

Many other stories.

I think your son could do anything and so fast you might be shocked, looking at him, wondering how that could be your son talking to a group of people at a convention or workshop or event. What is going on? His in the thing he loves and for that, for the one thing that makes him feel okay, he will do anything. He can do anything.

He will still pay for the stress but he will be happy and that will make it easier, okay.

Let autistic people do what they love and they will find a way, it is extraordinary to see what they will do. A friend went to both the North and South Pole. I used to give lectures to 300 people at a time and I was very good at it. I do not speak but for that I was able to. I do not know how.

If someone loved cooking and found out they could go to cooking school you would not have to warn them and worry about the part that would mean they would have to move, live in dorms with other people, strangers everywhere every day. They would be in bliss learning about what they love.

Autistic people are stubborn. I think it is us surviving because we feel things so intensely. But when our joy is in front of us we will travel, find a job to pay for it, do anything to get to it. If something he loved meant he had to see something in Australia I think he would not have enough time to talk to you because he would be so busy working so hard for so long to make the trip happen.

I wrote this very long and and repeated some things, I apologize. But this is important to me, I feel like I was him. I had difficulties and people pushed me (I am not saying you do that at all). But people pushed me and it mean shame and failure and resentment towards them and me an I felt like a failure. But when I found out there were things I loved and if I did something, then I could do them, I did them. I motivated myself.

What I am trying to say and please if you can forgive the length of it, is that we are in a lot of pain, the world is overwhelming to us, our own bodies are, people are painful mystery all the time and we are lonely. With only that, we are pretty unhappy and can think about suicide because life is only suffering, nothing good happening ever. Just every day going through all the same bad things.

Then you find out there is a rope factory in Washington state. Or an owl expert giving a talk in San Diego, hundreds of miles from you or in another state. Of that someone you admire and have been reading, actually teaches at a school - you could meet them! But you have to be a student. I must be a student, apply, pay for the application, means I need a job, so excited this is great, do you know what this person said this week? I cannot wait to meet them. Examples of how an autistic person can think and act when they get the chance to be closer to something they love.

I do not know if I made sense but I hope what I am saying helps. We can do a lot, if it gets us closer to something we love.

I wanted to add something. If he loves a game, using the game to make friends .. that is not how it works. Then it is not about his game. Now it is about something else and feels bad. But if there is someone or a group of people are are great at it and he wants to learn from them, that is different though it might seem the same to you. He will talk to them not to make friends but to learn more about the game. Doing that he will meet other people who feel like he does and one or two of them might be enough like him they become friends. It is the game that drew them all in.

Some of the people on here are almost too panicked or confused to go to grocery stores but travel hundreds of miles and stay in hotels for conventions. When I was his age and had nothing but failures every day of my life, not being able to do anything right, I only felt bad about myself. What was the point to life? But polymers are really neat. I did not know that word but I saw the carpenters working on our house mixing two-part resin. It got hot (exothermic reaction). It was so hard later, very strong. How did that happen? Did I want to go to the lumber yard? Is that where I can find out more, then yes!

This is the longest note I have written here, I hope it was okay.

 

[lunarious]

Sophomore translates to Wise Fool.

Sophia in Arabic:
Edited for accuracy. In Arabic Sooph means = Wool, Sufi Muslims are called Sufi (or Soophy) because they wore Sooph. My nickname me personally as boy is Sophy. Because my Real name is Mustapha. Sophia would be female, Sophia means pure or virtuous. It symbolizes a person of pure heart.

Sophia in Greek:
Sophia is a Greek name meaning wisdom.

Edit: Sophomore is The True Human. The "mad scientist".

 

[stevens]

Well, like Grommet, I was your son, too.

I wonder if my mother sometimes had the same thoughts you have. She's one person in the world who never stopped believing in me. I miss her. I sure hope I didn't let her down too much. Without her support, I don't know what I would have done. It's been 60 years since that time, and she's been gone for 31 years now.

 

[Mary Terry]

Hello, I am autistic. I am a male. I am 57 and I was your son, just like him I think. He loves things, probably a game. He wants to know more about it, get better at it. He wants that more than he wants a friend or to talk and explain something to someone and talk over them. He wants it so much he will find a way no matter what to talk to someone who knows more about it and is better than he is.

What I am saying is there were things so important to me they made me forget everything else. How scared I was to be around other people, be in public, ride buses, how much my stomach hurt, I was so busy being excited, feeling that joy because it was about something I loved, I forgot about all those things for the chance to do thing I loved so much and find out more about it. I was my own motivation.

Autistic people are very strong. It seems the opposite because you see the anxiety, the constant nervousness and depressive talk but see out eyes light up (expression) when we are near something we love. We love it so much we will do things that amaze you and wonder why you were amazed.

I used to make a joke that Brion Toss was the god of rigging. The subject is sailboat rigging. It meant everything to me, it was in my heart. To meet Brion Toss and go to one of his lectures I did anything I had to. Buses, heat, stomach aches, confusion. I was so happy I was in bliss to talk about my favorite thing and learn from the person who was the best.

Your son can do anything. If he has the chance to get closer to something he loves but people are in between him or distances or fears, he will go so fast past those things, going towards what he loves because some expert is talking about it or showing it, doing it.

People helping me 'get over' my problems was hard long work and it never felt good even if I made progress but people helping me find other people who loved what I did and knew more and could show me things, that made me so excited I could do things I never could just so I could do it.

Autistic people are very strong and when something is their obsessive interest, something that really makes us happy, the most intense joy, we will solve anything to get to it.

What I am saying is I feel sad hearing about him and I wish I could talk to him but he would be just as uncomfortable talking to me as anyone else but if he finds out someone is going to talk about his favorite game or something so important to him (I do not know if it is possible to make non-autistic people understand how much our interest mean to us, it is like heaven), if he finds out about something like that, I think he will get himself online writing an email to that person or joining a group or doing anything he has to because it is about something he loves and he will go past his difficulties so fast it could amaze you. He will be so focused he will not even notice.

If he could do this a little, he could do it more. Eventually he might go on trips out of town by himself just for a convention. Hotels, airlines, money, food, all by himself. But he wants to do what they do and he sees all of these people went to college to study things so they could be better at it. Or they got jobs in companies so they could be closer to the game (I am using a game he might love as an example, it could be anything else, horses, bicycles, cooking, math). He will want so badly to be better at what he loves, to know more about it, to do it more he will do anything for that and suddenly he knows people, is at school, has a job. Because it is all about something he loves so much the pain and fear he feels normally will be too far behind his excitement to notice them.

Autistic people are very, very strong. We will do anything for the things we love. I think he has things that make him happy. I would show some interest in one of those things and ask him a question about it. Then ask him why that is true, why does that happen, who started it, why can't they do it another way? As he explains what he knows he will feel a powerful feeling to find out the other answers and for that he will need other people and things.

No good reason to go to school if it is only every second misery. Literally ( I do not use the word literally for emphasis) every single second without a break. Survival and unhappiness until he can get away from it. Then there is the thing he loves and the world is great. He loves that world.

Autistic people are in careers because of that. I dated an autistic woman could not bear being around people, it was agony for her. She would go on overnight camping trips in small intimate groups where they all slept onboard the sailboat. Because boats meant everything to her. No one had to motivate her.

Many other stories.

I think your son could do anything and so fast you might be shocked, looking at him, wondering how that could be your son talking to a group of people at a convention or workshop or event. What is going on? His in the thing he loves and for that, for the one thing that makes him feel okay, he will do anything. He can do anything.

He will still pay for the stress but he will be happy and that will make it easier, okay.

Let autistic people do what they love and they will find a way, it is extraordinary to see what they will do. A friend went to both the North and South Pole. I used to give lectures to 300 people at a time and I was very good at it. I do not speak but for that I was able to. I do not know how.

If someone loved cooking and found out they could go to cooking school you would not have to warn them and worry about the part that would mean they would have to move, live in dorms with other people, strangers everywhere every day. They would be in bliss learning about what they love.

Autistic people are stubborn. I think it is us surviving because we feel things so intensely. But when our joy is in front of us we will travel, find a job to pay for it, do anything to get to it. If something he loved meant he had to see something in Australia I think he would not have enough time to talk to you because he would be so busy working so hard for so long to make the trip happen.

I wrote this very long and and repeated some things, I apologize. But this is important to me, I feel like I was him. I had difficulties and people pushed me (I am not saying you do that at all). But people pushed me and it mean shame and failure and resentment towards them and me an I felt like a failure. But when I found out there were things I loved and if I did something, then I could do them, I did them. I motivated myself.

What I am trying to say and please if you can forgive the length of it, is that we are in a lot of pain, the world is overwhelming to us, our own bodies are, people are painful mystery all the time and we are lonely. With only that, we are pretty unhappy and can think about suicide because life is only suffering, nothing good happening ever. Just every day going through all the same bad things.

Then you find out there is a rope factory in Washington state. Or an owl expert giving a talk in San Diego, hundreds of miles from you or in another state. Of that someone you admire and have been reading, actually teaches at a school - you could meet them! But you have to be a student. I must be a student, apply, pay for the application, means I need a job, so excited this is great, do you know what this person said this week? I cannot wait to meet them. Examples of how an autistic person can think and act when they get the chance to be closer to something they love.

I do not know if I made sense but I hope what I am saying helps. We can do a lot, if it gets us closer to something we love.

I wanted to add something. If he loves a game, using the game to make friends .. that is not how it works. Then it is not about his game. Now it is about something else and feels bad. But if there is someone or a group of people are are great at it and he wants to learn from them, that is different though it might seem the same to you. He will talk to them not to make friends but to learn more about the game. Doing that he will meet other people who feel like he does and one or two of them might be enough like him they become friends. It is the game that drew them all in.

Some of the people on here are almost too panicked or confused to go to grocery stores but travel hundreds of miles and stay in hotels for conventions. When I was his age and had nothing but failures every day of my life, not being able to do anything right, I only felt bad about myself. What was the point to life? But polymers are really neat. I did not know that word but I saw the carpenters working on our house mixing two-part resin. It got hot (exothermic reaction). It was so hard later, very strong. How did that happen? Did I want to go to the lumber yard? Is that where I can find out more, then yes!

This is the longest note I have written here, I hope it was okay.

You wrote a masterpiece and explained better than anyone else I've ever read how an autistic life may be. Thank you, @grommet, for your inestimable strength, resiliency, insight and kindness.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Agree got the point across, Once we get out special interest nothing can stop us. I am 70 years old my special interest Physics has not waned since, I was in grade school. did not become a physicist, but rather a chemical technologist, developed a new special interest, first day on first job industrial colour control. Your son will find his way much like i did.
He may even not let any body know of his special interest, I did not having very bright siblings did not want them trivializing it. Actually the first time I discussed it openly is after I joined this forum.

 

[grommet]

Agree got the point across, Once we get out special interest nothing can stop us. I am 70 years old my special interest Physics has not waned since, I was in grade school. did not become a physicist, but rather a chemical technologist, developed a new special interest, first day on first job industrial colour control. Your son will find his way much like i did.
He may even not let any body know of his special interest, I did not having very bright siblings did not want them trivializing it. Actually the first time I discussed it openly is after I joined this forum.

For me being in a factory with chemicals and learning all about them and the job and every detail of everything, would be heaven. I would stare and look at everything. Memorize names. Have so many thoughts and questions I would be bursting (expression, not literal). I hope I can do something like that some day.

In my in-person autism meeting I saw autistic people the way they really are. I do not mean all people, I mean the people at the meetings. They act their whole lives. I do too. Everything is pretend and it takes all our energy and we feel dirty and ashamed because we are lying but also I think some part of us does not think there is something wrong with us we have to pretend and hide and that bothers us too.

So many of those people who barely spoke, did not make eye contact and even with just us ourselves in the room were so uncomfortable, had high level jobs. The man who started the group retired at age 39. His interest made him so much money.

What we are is scared. And ashamed and I think we feel that way because everyone, not intending to do it, kept telling us we were wrong the way we were and it was better to hide it. You only hide things you are ashamed of. So we were the thing that was shameful. It hurts a lot to think and live that way. But parents and teachers and other kids let you know when you talk funny, or make sounds that are wrong or like a subject too much or keep wearing your favorite thing. They keep laughing and mocking, adults shake their heads. So none of the people around us like us and it is because of who we are. So we are ashamed.

But normal is being around other autistic people. Suddenly everything makes sense. I was relieved and angry at the same time. It suddenly felt clear a lie had been told to me all my life about who I was. If I was so odd and wrong, why were there so many people like me?

Also, in those meetings everyone understood each other. We were not confusing to each other. That feeling there was like a new life.

I hope the fifteen year old boy does more things he likes and meets other autistic people and they will be his friends.