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Misery

Levitator

Well-Known Member
Struggled through physiological, neurological, and emotional injuries tonight to stay awake for a date tonight. She didn't want to discuss how I was injured, and said that it was too draining. So, eventually when I was drained from my injuries and ready to go home, she asked why, and I told her "You already told me you didn't want to know. Don't you remember? I tried to explain to you I have a bunch of injuries and I don't feel well." And she reminded me she doesn't want to hear it. So I told her "I wish I weren't around to have to cope with this", and despite being someone who recently recovered from a suicide attempt, she says "Well, you can do whatever you want!". So, I turned and walked for the bus and never looked back. I truly have no comprehension of other human beings, and I would chalk it up to a fluke, except that this what an exceptionally successful date looks like. At least it took place, and I spent some hours with someone else.
 

Levitator

Well-Known Member
I'm so unbelievably depressed. There are people who can't tolerate a week away from their friends and family. It just goes on for years and years and years. I can't stand it. I pray for this to end every day.
 

Levitator

Well-Known Member
Did you try to have fun or were you all passive-aggressive and downtrodden
Sure I tried to have fun. I wasn't passive aggressive at all, in the least. I think she's just not that into me. I can't help but to be downtrodden because my health is a wreck. I don't know where I'm going to find the energy to impress anyone. It's like trying to start from nothing.
 

jellyfish

the moon jelly
You don't have to impress anyone or feel that you need to try to. Be George Costanza. "I'm George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents." Just lay it out there and somebody will dig it sooner or later.
 

Levitator

Well-Known Member
You don't have to impress anyone or feel that you need to try to. Be George Costanza. "I'm George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents." Just lay it out there and somebody will dig it sooner or later.
No, they won't, friend. If my chances are 1 in 100 to get a date with a person, let's add the Costanza factor and square that for 1 in 10,000, except it's worse than that because the years say so. I hate this life so, so much. I cannot even begin to describe how much I hate existing on this planet. I wonder why it's beyond me to comprehend why stuff works this way. Maybe in a hundred more years, I'll discover some additional mysterious quirk of mine that nobody explains to me because they've already cut me off by the time they've noticed it, plus they hate themselves for being cruel and they project it onto me.
 

Levitator

Well-Known Member
I'm convinced that's how it works. There was a handful of tactless and rude kids who told me the truth when I was a kid, and I blew it off because they were tactless and rude, and yet they were right. I basically look like a wreck of drifting attention and poor coordination to them, the same way that people worse off look to me. Except I have compassion for them, and nobody does for me, because I'm at that juncture where the people looking down on me don't have a basis in common.
 

Sherlock77

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I've never tried to fit in that much, even long before Autism became a thing for me... I lived 44 years of my life just being me (pre diagnosis), was never all that popular, and I'm still not all that popular and don't worry about it much

I am convinced, at least a little, that my struggle with social skills - very much related to Autism - is why as a photographer I'm not very well known and not all the successful, at least in terms of accomplishments...
 

jellyfish

the moon jelly
If only laboring to faith could make us happy.

I'm sure God is merely challenging you, and demanding you prove yourself before He lets you through His Pearly Gates to be licked by the warm tongue of His eternal love. He don't test us with nothin' we can't handle, after all.
 

Misery

Amalga Heart
V.I.P Member
No, they won't, friend. If my chances are 1 in 100 to get a date with a person, let's add the Costanza factor and square that for 1 in 10,000, except it's worse than that because the years say so. I hate this life so, so much. I cannot even begin to describe how much I hate existing on this planet. I wonder why it's beyond me to comprehend why stuff works this way. Maybe in a hundred more years, I'll discover some additional mysterious quirk of mine that nobody explains to me because they've already cut me off by the time they've noticed it, plus they hate themselves for being cruel and they project it onto me.

Alright, I'm gonna just be super blunt about this, so be ready for that...

But when I'm reading through this post here, and some of the other stuff you've said, what I see is basically an attitude of "woe is me" over and over and over again. And I'm going to tell you right now, THAT is part of the problem.

Here's the thing: other people, particularly NTs, spot that from a mile away. It hangs about you like a messed up cloud, raining on anything or anyone it gets near. And most people dont want to hang near someone who is followed by that cloud. It's just natural for people to NOT want to be around that. And yes, it will show even if you try to hide it.

I'm saying this because I used to do the very same thing you're doing, once upon a time... it's one of the reasons I call myself "Misery". A reminder of what I used to be, and a warning against ever reverting back to that state.

And indeed, back then, nobody wanted to be around me. It pushed everyone away, and all I could think of was "geez everything sucks, I suck, everyone just hates me, I can never accomplish this or that or have friends or whatever, everything is so hard, too hard, just too hard". Over and over and over again for years I did this. So many years.

Eventually though, someone far wiser than I am came along and sort of forcibly snapped me out of that mindset. No more cloud, no more "woe is me". This person really drilled that in, and wouldnt accept any whining from me either. My overall personality effectively reversed as a result... Instead of being a walking ball of dark spikyness, I'm now sorta... irritatingly positive and I never, ever give up. And suddenly, after making that change, things changed wildly. That cloud was gone, not raining on anyone anymore. And indeed, I met people. Made friends. Not like a huge amount of friends, I'm still just naturally reclusive, but still. And when it comes to romance, well... I personally have no interest in the idea, but I have been approached before, more than once (and I turned them down each time, politely of course). Other things happened, too. I even got to fulfill a childhood dream! Something I never thought I'd ever get to do.

But all this happened because I went and changed my attitude. I mean heck, I literally took a life-changing action just a few days ago, a very positive but REALLY difficult one, which absolutely could not have happened if I were still in my previous state.

Something I've said to others on here, over and over again, is this: if you dont make a change, REALLY make a change, then nothing around you will change. YOU have to do it, not the world around you. It's hard to make changes, particularly for us on the spectrum. But this isnt something that can be avoided. If you want to achieve what you're after... you MUST do it. But you have to ACTUALLY do it, not sorta halfway do it for a week while inwardly assuming it wont work, and then complain it doesnt work. You keep going and you dont... give... up. Fall down? GET BACK UP. Fall down again? Heck with that, you're getting back up. That's what does it. It aint easy, and I'm not about to pretend that it is. It's very hard. But it's worth doing.

Seriously, I aint just saying this out of nowhere. I lived it. And yes, I know I likely sound pretty harsh with this, but... look, I aint one to sugarcoat things. Neither was the person who effectively came along and saved me from myself. Sometimes "harsh" is necessary.

Of course, what you do with all of this that I'm saying is up to you. You can either achieve a change by MAKING a change, a REAL change that you actually stick with, or you can keep going around and around on the rotting carousel you are currently sitting on. Which option sounds better to you?
 

Rodafina

Hopefully Human
Staff member
V.I.P Member
Sorry you had such a bad experience, @Levitator, especially after putting in the effort to stay awake and entertaining the idea of hope.

Based on how you seem to have been feeling lately, I really think the fact that you tried and put in the effort to spend a few hours with someone is something to be recognized and appreciated. You are maintaining tenuous connections to life and hope and change.

I think you already know, I tend to fall on the side of seeing the positive, but I do respect the depth of negativity and dejection that you are feeling right now. I just want to offer the observation that here on the forum, there are people who are listening to you, recognizing your humanity, and offering some version of compassion and understanding.

Wishing you resilience and fortitude as you face your troubles.
 

David C

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Evolutionary psychology has helped me understand NT's a bit and why it's so difficult for us to find love and companionship in this world that is still primitive on so many levels, also why it's so painful for fragiles. I've learned to be very careful about sharing my truth with NT's. I think that simply learning gives life meaning when all else fails. Biographies, psychology, spiritually. I'm so glad that I managed to get old. After decades of depression I've finally got more tools to quickly lift myself up. I used to cry about the people who rejected and abandoned me. Now I realise they aren't my type anyway. I love wierd, humble, individualistic, easy going people. Feelings cannot kill you.
 

Neonatal RRT

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
As @Misery suggested, most people want to be around positivity. They want their spirits lifted.

There are too many things in our daily lives that are negative, it can really weigh you down with sadness, depression, anger, frustration, cynicism, etc. So, when we run across someone that expresses positivity, happiness, gratefulness, it is a huge dopamine hit and we want to be around that.

If you are seeking empathy or validation for your situation, whatever it is, most people will shy away from you. Nobody wants to be around a "negative Nancy" or a "Debbie downer". I know, it sounds horrible to say that, but if you've been an adult for any more than 5 minutes, you probably know this already.
 

AprilR

Well-Known Member
Was that your first date with that person? If it was the topic might have been too heavy for her. People dont want to hear negative or heavy topics on a first date.
It is not your fault for hurting though. Most people have no idea about the trauma autistic people grow up with and live with day to day.

I think to date, people have to be in a positive state of mind, at least with neurotypicals. That's why i gave up altogether. I understood what i need is therapy and support from like minded people, not a relationship
 

Levitator

Well-Known Member
I've never tried to fit in that much, even long before Autism became a thing for me... I lived 44 years of my life just being me (pre diagnosis), was never all that popular, and I'm still not all that popular and don't worry about it much

I am convinced, at least a little, that my struggle with social skills - very much related to Autism - is why as a photographer I'm not very well known and not all the successful, at least in terms of accomplishments...
"Popular" does not come into it. I don't have anybody! I can't seem to convey that. I'm alone.
 

Levitator

Well-Known Member
If only laboring to faith could make us happy.

I'm sure God is merely challenging you, and demanding you prove yourself before He lets you through His Pearly Gates to be licked by the warm tongue of His eternal love. He don't test us with nothin' we can't handle, after all.
God does things for a purpose, and things have been really hard because I asked to learn to believe in him like I do in the people in front of my nose. Now, I believe in him more than in people. Way more than in people. What I see is physiological bodies walking around. Where is the person, though? I believe in God way more, and thank God for answering, even though the hurdles haven't been easy.
 

Levitator

Well-Known Member
Alright, I'm gonna just be super blunt about this, so be ready for that...

But when I'm reading through this post here, and some of the other stuff you've said, what I see is basically an attitude of "woe is me" over and over and over again. And I'm going to tell you right now, THAT is part of the problem.

Here's the thing: other people, particularly NTs, spot that from a mile away. It hangs about you like a messed up cloud, raining on anything or anyone it gets near. And most people dont want to hang near someone who is followed by that cloud. It's just natural for people to NOT want to be around that. And yes, it will show even if you try to hide it.

I'm saying this because I used to do the very same thing you're doing, once upon a time... it's one of the reasons I call myself "Misery". A reminder of what I used to be, and a warning against ever reverting back to that state.

And indeed, back then, nobody wanted to be around me. It pushed everyone away, and all I could think of was "geez everything sucks, I suck, everyone just hates me, I can never accomplish this or that or have friends or whatever, everything is so hard, too hard, just too hard". Over and over and over again for years I did this. So many years.

Eventually though, someone far wiser than I am came along and sort of forcibly snapped me out of that mindset. No more cloud, no more "woe is me". This person really drilled that in, and wouldnt accept any whining from me either. My overall personality effectively reversed as a result... Instead of being a walking ball of dark spikyness, I'm now sorta... irritatingly positive and I never, ever give up. And suddenly, after making that change, things changed wildly. That cloud was gone, not raining on anyone anymore. And indeed, I met people. Made friends. Not like a huge amount of friends, I'm still just naturally reclusive, but still. And when it comes to romance, well... I personally have no interest in the idea, but I have been approached before, more than once (and I turned them down each time, politely of course). Other things happened, too. I even got to fulfill a childhood dream! Something I never thought I'd ever get to do.

But all this happened because I went and changed my attitude. I mean heck, I literally took a life-changing action just a few days ago, a very positive but REALLY difficult one, which absolutely could not have happened if I were still in my previous state.

Something I've said to others on here, over and over again, is this: if you dont make a change, REALLY make a change, then nothing around you will change. YOU have to do it, not the world around you. It's hard to make changes, particularly for us on the spectrum. But this isnt something that can be avoided. If you want to achieve what you're after... you MUST do it. But you have to ACTUALLY do it, not sorta halfway do it for a week while inwardly assuming it wont work, and then complain it doesnt work. You keep going and you dont... give... up. Fall down? GET BACK UP. Fall down again? Heck with that, you're getting back up. That's what does it. It aint easy, and I'm not about to pretend that it is. It's very hard. But it's worth doing.

Seriously, I aint just saying this out of nowhere. I lived it. And yes, I know I likely sound pretty harsh with this, but... look, I aint one to sugarcoat things. Neither was the person who effectively came along and saved me from myself. Sometimes "harsh" is necessary.

Of course, what you do with all of this that I'm saying is up to you. You can either achieve a change by MAKING a change, a REAL change that you actually stick with, or you can keep going around and around on the rotting carousel you are currently sitting on. Which option sounds better to you?

This is really indifferent to my problems. I told you my health is a wreck, several times over. That's not a choice that I make. When someone asks me "Why are you fat, sweaty, and falling asleep on me?", I can't sit and stare into space. I won't say "No reason". I'm going to say "I tried to tell you and you didnd't want to hear it". When you say you're not interested in romance, that's all I need to hear. Neither of us connect with people. The difference is; you don't want to, and that's why you're not connecting with me now. Let's agree to disagree, and please don't tell me that my mental state is my fault. It's not. Please move along.
 

Levitator

Well-Known Member
Sorry you had such a bad experience, @Levitator, especially after putting in the effort to stay awake and entertaining the idea of hope.

Based on how you seem to have been feeling lately, I really think the fact that you tried and put in the effort to spend a few hours with someone is something to be recognized and appreciated. You are maintaining tenuous connections to life and hope and change.

I think you already know, I tend to fall on the side of seeing the positive, but I do respect the depth of negativity and dejection that you are feeling right now. I just want to offer the observation that here on the forum, there are people who are listening to you, recognizing your humanity, and offering some version of compassion and understanding.

Wishing you resilience and fortitude as you face your troubles.
That's very kind, and I appreciate you putting up with me. I know I'm not exactly sunshine, but if it's not fun listening to me, then it's even less fun being me. There are no versions of it. Caring is caring. We aren't Data from Star Trek, no matter how much we confuse people. I remember he would say things like "You've created patterns in my neural network to which I've grown accustomed, and as such, I have come to think of you as if you are friends". That's nonsense. If you are thinking about how someone else feels, and it makes you feel anything in the least, that's all there is to it. You have a soul, and probably more than a lot of the kneejerk hate monsters I see wandering around.
 

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