Met a nice woman-help!

[Sparticus]

Recently online after looking thru thousands of profiles, I met a nice woman-keeper. She called me up Sunday. We talked about 30 minutes and both of us had to get going. We both expressed that we enjoyed our conversation and want to talk again. She is a widow, economically more successful than me but seems down to Earth about life and circumstances.

Like me she is Spiritual, Jewish and ready to engage someone on many levels.

Problem: I have a feeling she wants to meet me soon. Either this weekend or next. I'm pretty hurt over not being able to talk to my son right now. But I'm going to call her up next day or so. I'll probably express an interest in meeting her. Or vice versa. She has said she has some baggage [to put me at ease.]

Should I put off meeting her for a few weeks till I recover from the shock of having lost contact with my son? Tell her on the phone? Or make a date and if she asks, tell her then? I'm ready to move forward with my life...I've spent too much time in the past brooding...and recently embraced being more positive.

So what say you, you Aspie geniuses!?! I know this is not the last opportunity I'll have. But I feel there could be long term potential if we hit it off. I would, of course, tell her about my friendship with my ex-girlfriend. We both will take it slow...and see if something develops.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Exchange pictures and go out for coffee. Talk about "light" stuff. Jokes. What you have in common. You want to have fun first before talking about things that trouble you. I'd also keep the "date" to about an hour. Say you have a dentist appt or something. You don't want to talk about everything and have nothing to look forward to on a "real" date like dinner. This hour date thing will also give you an out in case things don't work out well and go south.

 

[Ereth]

Should I put off meeting her for a few weeks till I recover from the shock of having lost contact with my son? Tell her on the phone? Or make a date and if she asks, tell her then? I'm ready to move forward with my life...I've spent too much time in the past brooding...and recently embraced being more positive.

But I feel there could be long term potential if we hit it off. I would, of course, tell her about my friendship with my ex-girlfriend. We both will take it slow...and see if something develops.

The first question is something you need to ask yourself, IMHO, and not us, because only you know the answer. Do you feel emotionally prepared to meet with this woman right now? Or should coping with the loss of contact with your child be your first priority?

And don't feel compelled to talk about the ex on the first date unless both of you feel comfortable discussing past relationships immediately. I think first dates should focus on enjoying each other's company more than anything else. Let the baggage claim happen later.

I don't advise making up an excuse to leave unless things get so bad that you're sure you'll never want to see this person again---what if she asks about your trip to the dentist later? You risk starting on a topic of discussion built on something false. Maybe I'm objecting because I'm generally a poor liar, but I don't like misleading people. I never have and I never will.

 

[Christy]

If you do delay meeting her, I suggest you make a firm plan even though it's a few weeks away. Then as the time comes closer and you continue to talk to her, tell her how much you're looking forward to meeting her in person. You don't want her to feel strung alone.

 

[Turk]

I would go for it Spartacus, if it was me. It really depends on how you feel emotionally and at an anxiety level. Going on a date is not going change what happens with your son. What does your gut tell you? Youve expressed a want to move on. Whether anything comes from this or not, let it be the first small step towards happiness.

 

[wyverary]

I think you should do the date, but keep it light. No one said things have to move quickly, and you can take your time easing into intimacy as you feel comfortable (assuming that's where it will lead). But don't unburden your troubles on her until you've grown closer.

However, as to if you're ready for this or not, having gone through all the s*** you've been...only you can know that. Maybe putting yourself out there could help you move on.

 

[Sparticus]

Ack! Thanks for responding...I like what you said and your advice. That's very true about the first date; many say keep it short in case things don't work out. I liked what she said on her profile. I was too nervous about this whole thing...so posting here made me think things over. I wasn't really attracted to her. I wanted to be...really wanted to be but I wasn't. The first phone conversation I talked too much. Some people understand and others judge you.

Tonight when I called her we both agreed it wasn't a match. I wished her luck and that's that. Somehow I feel much relieved!!!!!!!!!! Me thinks I have too many quirks for her.

Exchange pictures and go out for coffee. Talk about "light" stuff. Jokes. What you have in common. You want to have fun first before talking about things that trouble you. I'd also keep the "date" to about an hour. Say you have a dentist appt or something. You don't want to talk about everything and have nothing to look forward to on a "real" date like dinner. This hour date thing will also give you an out in case things don't work out well and go south.

 

[Sparticus]

Very true Ereth!!!!! No I wasn't attracted to her enough and besides, right now I need a little more time to sort things out. As for my son, I might join another support group that includes a therapist. Plus I'm seeing a Psychologist. I call her a "wise Elder." She likes nature like I do.

Ereth you hit the nail on the head. I mean, what was I going to say if she asked me if I have any children? I just wasn't prepared to answer that. Have you ever thought of being a Psychologist or therapist? You would be spectacular.

Baggage claim! I love it; you made me laugh. Poor liar...I know that feeling! Me too. Generally a cup of coffee or a walk in a park etc can be a short or elastic date-if you like the person you can make it last longer. I think?

Thank you for responding.

The first question is something you need to ask yourself, IMHO, and not us, because only you know the answer. Do you feel emotionally prepared to meet with this woman right now? Or should coping with the loss of contact with your child be your first priority?

And don't feel compelled to talk about the ex on the first date unless both of you feel comfortable discussing past relationships immediately. I think first dates should focus on enjoying each other's company more than anything else. Let the baggage claim happen later.

I don't advise making up an excuse to leave unless things get so bad that you're sure you'll never want to see this person again---what if she asks about your trip to the dentist later? You risk starting on a topic of discussion built on something false. Maybe I'm objecting because I'm generally a poor liar, but I don't like misleading people. I never have and I never will.

 

[Sparticus]

Excellent Christy. Wise advice. I really like the phrase "tell her how much you are looking foward to meeting her in person." I think Aspies can write a good sensitive book or articles on dating.

If you do delay meeting her, I suggest you make a firm plan even though it's a few weeks away. Then as the time comes closer and you continue to talk to her, tell her how much you're looking forward to meeting her in person. You don't want her to feel strung alone.

 

[Sparticus]

Good advice Turk. True...though it didn't work out per tonights short telephone conversation. I feel relieved...maybe another time, another date. I like what you said because we can't dwell in misery...life moves forward.

I would go for it Spartacus, if it was me. It really depends on how you feel emotionally and at an anxiety level. Going on a date is not going change what happens with your son. What does your gut tell you? Youve expressed a want to move on. Whether anything comes from this or not, let it be the first small step towards happiness.

 

[Sparticus]

I was really afraid I was going to blurt things out...though I might already have done a little of that [talking about my varied "career."] Maybe she just ran when I told her on the phone about all the jobs/careers I had. Anyhoo it's over...

You are right, with the right person, putting yourself out there and unburdening yourself can help heal us. And move us foward. Thanks wyv!!!!!!

I think you should do the date, but keep it light. No one said things have to move quickly, and you can take your time easing into intimacy as you feel comfortable (assuming that's where it will lead). But don't unburden your troubles on her until you've grown closer.

However, as to if you're ready for this or not, having gone through all the s*** you've been...only you can know that. Maybe putting yourself out there could help you move on.

 

[Ereth]

Have you ever thought of being a psychologist or therapist? You would be spectacular.

People keep telling me that . . . but I'm not sure I could handle hearing about their problems without breaking down myself. I have super-empathy or something.

 

[Sparticus]

Elaine Aron, Ph.D. wrote books on highly sensitive people [hsps.] I'm one...hear ya on the empathy & getting overwhelmed by it. I always felt like a freak because my NT father was a Master mechanic, my NT brother a mechanic and me? The philosophical rebel who questioned why life was the way it was.

Barrie Jaeger, Ph.D. wrote "Making Work Work for the Highly Sensitive Person." It's very popular amongst HSPs. Basically if I remember, she advices sensitive people are happier when they have control over their work environment. But that many HSP's settle for drudgery jobs because of low self esteem.

Self-employment is talked about as an alternate route.

People keep telling me that . . . but I'm not sure I could handle hearing about their problems without breaking down myself. I have super-empathy or something.

 

[Peace]

Recently online after looking thru thousands of profiles, I met a nice woman-keeper. She called me up Sunday. We talked about 30 minutes and both of us had to get going. We both expressed that we enjoyed our conversation and want to talk again. She is a widow, economically more successful than me but seems down to Earth about life and circumstances.

Like me she is Spiritual, Jewish and ready to engage someone on many levels.

Problem: I have a feeling she wants to meet me soon. Either this weekend or next. I'm pretty hurt over not being able to talk to my son right now. But I'm going to call her up next day or so. I'll probably express an interest in meeting her. Or vice versa. She has said she has some baggage [to put me at ease.]

Should I put off meeting her for a few weeks till I recover from the shock of having lost contact with my son? Tell her on the phone? Or make a date and if she asks, tell her then? I'm ready to move forward with my life...I've spent too much time in the past brooding...and recently embraced being more positive.

So what say you, you Aspie geniuses!?! I know this is not the last opportunity I'll have. But I feel there could be long term potential if we hit it off. I would, of course, tell her about my friendship with my ex-girlfriend. We both will take it slow...and see if something develops.

Hey Sparticus, It has been a while my friend. I would think that these are two separate circumstances, and that they should be tolerant of each other. If the thing with the girl was meant to be, it will still be there when you are ready (if you are not now). Relationships are not made, they are enjoyed. I believe that honesty will best serve you here. I would probably proceed with the lady and see how things go. Best of luck my friend.
Peace