Meeting (NT) partner's family

[As sweet as-pie]

Hi all,

I've found myself in a bit of an awkward predicament, one that I've been in for many years now.

I've been with my current (NT) boyfriend for 4 years and still haven't met his family. I went to his grandma's house once to meet her but that was very early in our relationship.
Ironically, the reason why is that it's been too long. Once it got to 6 months I felt like it was too late to do so and now it's been 4 years and i feel like it's just past the point of no return.

We've been thinking of moving in with each other and I feel like I can't meet his family until we live together because I feel like there is no point in me going to his house when he could just come to mine, it would make no sense for me to suddenly start going around there. I feel like if we lived together then it would make sense because I would just tag along with him to visit them, we would be a "unit" . However, he said that he isn't comfortable moving in with me until I meet his family and get to know them, so we're stuck at a bit of a stalemate.

I would love to be part of his family as if the course of our relationship had gone by naturally then I would be a member of the family by now and know them really well. Unfortunately, I have severe social anxiety and drive myself crazy overthinking social situations. I have met his friends just once and I stayed up all night screaming before and after, in hindsight I was probably having a meltdown.
I did try to go and meet his family a month ago but when I was supposed to go I had a meltdown, became very distressed, suicidal and couldn't stop crying. I know this sounds ridiculous and pathetic and an overreaction but it really is how I feel. One thing just sets me off on a spiral.

I have no idea how to overcome this and move forward.

TL;DR
Has anyone met their partner's family, NT or otherwise? How did it go? Did you leave it as late as me? Have you never met them at all? How do I overcome this and progress in my relationship?
Thank you for reading.

 

[Warmheart]

I'm sorry this feels so frustrating and anxiety-provoking for you.

Why not give yourself dome control for this first meeting?
How about you and your honey meet his parents at a restaurant for lunch? That way, it's a setting you can choose where you feel comfortable, plus, it's over soon!

Best wishes for a smoother-than-expected transition for these folks transforming from strangers to people in your circle, who care about you.

 

[Chance]

Sweets...

I am ASD with extras piled on top, just to make sure I am a nightmare to NT's, I guess?
I married an NT, and yes I had to meet her family etc...
I am just as weird to them today as I was then, maybe even more so.

All I can say is go for it, or move on. Don't let it drive you mad.
They are just people, they cant eat you, until we have the fictitious zombie apocalypse.

Is it going to be easy?... It depends on how open they are? So I cant answer that.

If they love their son, they should love you for his sake...
If not you may want to at least be prepared for some NT's to start forcing you to fit what they expect?
Can you do that? Can any ND, or ASD do that? Nope!

If we could change, we wouldn't even be here right now, would we?

Meeting the family is the easy part. The marriage is where the divisors come to slap both of you around.

OIL and WATER - 2 very great substances, but they don't mix well.

I have made it work, but it has been one of the biggest challenges of my life.

Does her family like me or love me... Yes, and no. I am intelligent and I provide well for their daughter, but I am socially a train wreck and we have basically zero in common. They are always going out and eating and going to social events... This is my worst nightmare scenario and they all but demand I go every time. If I dare not, they will start in on how they just wanted to show us a good time, blah, blah, blah... They could care less if I am coming apart inside. So its just on how much you can endure really.

Overtime, and after a few shutdowns, and a trip to the ER because I couldn't breathe, they backed off a little. They do see its all real, but they do not understand, or even care to understand. Instead they are all worried my son (there grandson) is going to be like me... Now thats refreshing for them to tell me how they really feel. Geez, its like I am some leper who might have infected someone with my dreadful disease. Truth is they piss me off, but I just stay quiet. I know better than open my mouth. I will say what they do not want to hear, and then I will feel really bad later, or maybe I won't...

So when we go there I say hi, and basically go off into my little world, and let them do what ever NT's do, which is usually talk about how they need to change something... Thats just a guess.

Overtime my wife has seemed to side back with her family and things or just basically an existence. I don't think its much more than that, but neither of us know what to do I guess.

A bonus to this nightmare is this... If he really loves you, he will make sure you are comfortable and will in fact defend you.

If not... its re-think time. Thats just my ASD way of thinking. You of course do what feels right to you, but please never harm yourself over something like this...

 

[wight]

Let me see if I can sum this up:
1) meeting his family causes you severe anxiety
2) he knows this
3) he is predicating the progress of your relationship on FORCING you to do something that he knows is extremely difficult, if not impossible for you to do

Intentionally or not, he has given you a Hobson's Choice. Not choosing is the only way out of such a situation. I.e. Not living together removes the forced family thing.

 

[Chance]

Let me see if I can sum this up:
1) meeting his family causes you severe anxiety
2) he knows this
3) he is predicating the progress of your relationship on FORCING you to do something that he knows is extremely difficult, if not impossible for you to do

Intentionally or not, he has given you a Hobson's Choice. Not choosing is the only way out of such a situation. I.e. Not living together removes the forced family thing.

Excellent observation...
I think I was too stupid and in "love" (whatever that really is) to see that was the trap I landed in also.
Wow... Now how do I get out : )

 

[wight]

... Now how do I get out : )

There is no easy way out once you are married. Either both of you would really have to work toward a resolution that makes things better, or you would have to split up (with all the legal/financial/emotional impacts that divorce has).

I'm sorry to say that it is probably time for an "adult discussion" about your future together. Honest, open, dialog about how you feel and what you think. With no accusations...no "you did this... your family did that... you don't..." etc. Ask her how she sees the relationship and what she thinks and feels and really listen and try to process her point of view. Give yourselves a "out" to reflect on the conversation and regroup after you have had time to mull it over for a while. It may be several conversations, or it may blow up and you or she moves out. or something in the middle, like staying together until you can get your lives untangled to make separating easier. As they say, "getting your affairs in order."

I have said on multiple occasions, "only the two people in the marriage really know what is going on" and that applies here. You know your wife and relationship and I don't. So my opinion may be entirely worthless.

 

[Chance]

You are right and thank you...

I really never meant to even spin off on this at all.
I have been stuck for a really long time.
I'm not the one who is so unhappy, to be honest, she thought she could change me, she has stated that many times.
I did change as much as I could, but ASD only goes so far. So many people think I have this choice, like I can flip some switch in my brain, and become this thing they want me to be.
She used to love my quietness, and my quirkiness, not so much anymore.
Not at all anymore...

I'm fine with her... (except for the screaming, throwing things, and the really hurtful remarks).
I have never tried to change her, and she knew who I was going in this.
I went to the county fair with her on our first date. I hid most of the ASD real well. (meaning I didn't freak out or shut down) and we went with some friends, so I felt pretty safe. It was a reasonably long drive home and I wasn't driving... I was exhausted from this ordeal. So I went to sleep very soon after we left to go home... Terrible yes, but I was just being who I really was. I have never been a talker, and small talk is just stupid to me, so I used the time to crash. She reminds me of this always. I just say why didn't you just dump me then? She says she don't know? I expected her to dump me. I was shocked when she didn't.

I don't ever demand someone change to fit me, I only ask for the time I need to hash things out, and reboot so to speak. I kind of balk at crowds and loud places. So overtime, I have become this boring wretch who makes her miserable. I'm getting a little older now, and I don't seem to have the energy to handle some of this like I did when I was younger. My fear is what I might be like as an old man? Will I become this hermit that no one ever wants to see? I hope not.

I'm usually a reasonably happy guy until the forcing starts. I always ask her (and others) to please don't force me into something we may all regret, but its like they cant help it... They have too have their way, or I'm the jerk. As I have grown older (if I know its abad thing for me) I just say no thank you... This makes people upset with me. They cant understand why I won't go out with them. They don't understand the hearing issues alone are torture for me (I have hypersensitive hearing and it actually hurts to hear at times).

I don't want a divorce... I just fear that she does, but refuses to just make the move. I have already told her I will not cause her any grief if thats what sho wants.

I may not be able to show "love" (as she demands), but I will set her free to let her be happy... I don't know many people who will do that. I have promised her this, and I mean it. I don't play games, and I honor what I say, even if it hurts.

She might hate me, but I have been honest with her... I think she is more mad at herself than anything.
I don't treat her bad in any way, (that I can see). She says I neglect her? I don't feel that I do in any way that I can help. She has no hard core reason... Other than I am just a boring ass.

I think she has a hard time giving herself a real reason to leave. It's not like I drink, or cheat, or cuss at her or hit her. I take care of all the bills and she has a nice SUV and a nice home to live in... She has never paid for anything and I don't even care, but she knows that will too come to an end if she throws me away.

I think she loves what she is given, but hates the provider at this point and its a real issue that she cant figure out what to do with.

I'm ASD... I just want to be me and find some harmony out of life. She can stay, go or whatever. My only wish is that she wouldn't call me loser, her mistake, and stuff like that... It doesn't help anything.

My guess is someday she will just walk out, but I have thought that for a long time and she hasn't yet.

 

[wight]

Chance, you are right... we kind of have derailed As Sweet As-Pie's thread. Let's make sure she is the focus here.

 

[Maelstrom]

Hi all,

I've found myself in a bit of an awkward predicament, one that I've been in for many years now.

I've been with my current (NT) boyfriend for 4 years and still haven't met his family. I went to his grandma's house once to meet her but that was very early in our relationship.
Ironically, the reason why is that it's been too long. Once it got to 6 months I felt like it was too late to do so and now it's been 4 years and i feel like it's just past the point of no return.

We've been thinking of moving in with each other and I feel like I can't meet his family until we live together because I feel like there is no point in me going to his house when he could just come to mine, it would make no sense for me to suddenly start going around there. I feel like if we lived together then it would make sense because I would just tag along with him to visit them, we would be a "unit" . However, he said that he isn't comfortable moving in with me until I meet his family and get to know them, so we're stuck at a bit of a stalemate.

I would love to be part of his family as if the course of our relationship had gone by naturally then I would be a member of the family by now and know them really well. Unfortunately, I have severe social anxiety and drive myself crazy overthinking social situations. I have met his friends just once and I stayed up all night screaming before and after, in hindsight I was probably having a meltdown.
I did try to go and meet his family a month ago but when I was supposed to go I had a meltdown, became very distressed, suicidal and couldn't stop crying. I know this sounds ridiculous and pathetic and an overreaction but it really is how I feel. One thing just sets me off on a spiral.

I have no idea how to overcome this and move forward.

TL;DR
Has anyone met their partner's family, NT or otherwise? How did it go? Did you leave it as late as me? Have you never met them at all? How do I overcome this and progress in my relationship?
Thank you for reading.

meet them one at a time in a place you feel really comfortable and safe....
it gets better as you get used to them

 

[Ambi]

Hi all,

I've found myself in a bit of an awkward predicament, one that I've been in for many years now.

I've been with my current (NT) boyfriend for 4 years and still haven't met his family. I went to his grandma's house once to meet her but that was very early in our relationship.
Ironically, the reason why is that it's been too long. Once it got to 6 months I felt like it was too late to do so and now it's been 4 years and i feel like it's just past the point of no return.

We've been thinking of moving in with each other and I feel like I can't meet his family until we live together because I feel like there is no point in me going to his house when he could just come to mine, it would make no sense for me to suddenly start going around there. I feel like if we lived together then it would make sense because I would just tag along with him to visit them, we would be a "unit" . However, he said that he isn't comfortable moving in with me until I meet his family and get to know them, so we're stuck at a bit of a stalemate.

I would love to be part of his family as if the course of our relationship had gone by naturally then I would be a member of the family by now and know them really well. Unfortunately, I have severe social anxiety and drive myself crazy overthinking social situations. I have met his friends just once and I stayed up all night screaming before and after, in hindsight I was probably having a meltdown.
I did try to go and meet his family a month ago but when I was supposed to go I had a meltdown, became very distressed, suicidal and couldn't stop crying. I know this sounds ridiculous and pathetic and an overreaction but it really is how I feel. One thing just sets me off on a spiral.

I have no idea how to overcome this and move forward.

TL;DR
Has anyone met their partner's family, NT or otherwise? How did it go? Did you leave it as late as me? Have you never met them at all? How do I overcome this and progress in my relationship?
Thank you for reading.

Something this severe (screaming melt downs and getting suicidal) really require therapy, imho. That's coming from someone who doesn't bother with therapy, but for me, I don't have such strong reactions. I think that's really serious, I would recommend a therapist to try to figure out what's going on and how to deal with it. I read books about social anxiety to help me out - the best one for me was "Diagonally parked in a parallel universe", but again, as strong as my social anxiety was, I never had melt downs or became suicidal - that is very serious. If you are able to work through that, it would be an incredible win for you.

I do feel awkward spending time with my in-laws sometimes just because I'm an awkward person and I can't think of much to say, I can't be funny or cool, and I just suffocate with so much socializing - they are all great people, these problems are just from me. I think for you maybe the goal is just getting through it without a melt down - you don't have to pass with flying colors, you don't have to cool or witty or funny (I'm not), but just manage to do it. Medications can really help with the anxiety part of social anxiety, too - I needed to be on medicine in order to be able to actually work on the social skills, and now they are all much easier (even though I'm not very charismatic while engaging in them) - life is so much more bearable having dealt with my social anxiety.

 

[Momo]

I think the best thing to do would be to meet the family but not on their grounds, somehwhere where you feel safe. And perhaps not all at once as that is a lot of stress to handle. Perhaps explain your feelings to your boyfriend so you can handle the situation better and offer solutions that works out for the two of you, perhaps not perfectly but relationships generally rely on compromise.

 

[Suzanne]

It was disasterous when I met my husband's family. I found them to be extremely potentious and I had meltdowns, but in the bedroom and for years, I had to brace myself to stay with his extended family.

The world dictates how one should behave and I am finally learning that it is not gospel or written in ink; that circumstances are different in all cases and, I have always been vocal in my distaste for his family, to the point that now, when he speaks to them, he does not push for me to join in and he realised not so long ago, that his family are no longer young and wants to visit them again. He was the one who said that he would set me up in a bed and breakfast and go and stay with them. He thinks that because it is in our country ( uk; we live in France), that it would be no big deal for me, but like you, I suffer chronic social anxiety and the notion of being on my own, in a hotel room and having to venture out and be "socialible, is something that I bulk from, but my husband does tend to talk big and rarely comes through and so, I think I can relax a bit.

I am sure that due to my own dreadful childhood, I cannot cope with false people; I have meltdowns with false people. Ie potentious people; ones who each time they talk, utter rubbish comes out, which blows my mind how someone can be so stupid.

I will give an example of his auntie. We stayed at her very posh home and in the bedroom, there was a row of clothes. She says to me that I can choose what I want. So I looked and thought they were just awful, but how on earth does one relay this? So, I just tried to say: thank you very much, but they are not for me. She demands why? I respond. I guess if I was more mature, they would be ok and suddenly she says: are you calling me old? Ummm no, of course not and then tried to say: but you are giving them away, so I cannot be saying you are old? With that she actually stormed off and went into her bedroom and said: I do not wish to talk to you! I was mortified and tried to explain it to my husband ( who suddenly appeared on the schene). He just refused to see my point and said it was best to apologise to her. It took all my inner strength to knock on her door and enter and humble myself and further more. She did not just say: I appreciate you coming to me, nope she had to go one step further and say: you are a very rude person, Suzanne. You must learn tact.

I have had a few "run in's" with her and in truth, find her to be obnoxious. His uncle is not too bad though, but well, they are a couple, so he must be avoided to, which is sad, because I used to have some smashing conversations with him.

Once, before one of his gran's died, we use to visit her in a home she was in. I was vastly amused to encounter an old woman who lorded it over people. Her room was so fussy, I wondered if she thought she was of royal heritage. She was just a plain nasty old woman who dictated to those around her. One time, I had enough with how she was talking to my husband and unfortunately, I said to her that she should be ashamed of herself and that she is just a plain old snobby woman. I do not think they were my exact words, but certainly I did not choose my words careful and I got a horrified look from my husband and she huffed and puffed and I walked out fuming. My husband followed and actually laughed and said that what I said was probably what many wanted to say, but whether I liked it or not, I must apologise to her. So I did, but I think I still had a parting shot, like: you should start treating your grandson with a bit more respect.

I am so glad I live in a country, which gives me an excuse to stay away from them.

 

[xudo]

I met my husbands family before we were actually together. It was super awkward because it was a BBQ where they had a couple of their friends there too, and one of them was a really outgoing guy who constantly pointed out how quiet I was. My parents didn't meet his though until we'd been together for nearly 5 years and only then because we were getting married a month later. That was awks too because they're very different. I can understand why it's causing you anxiety, but I'd say just get it out of the way, and even if it's awkward, it's done. I get on really well with my in laws and all of my husbands siblings now (one brother, three step-siblings).

 

[As sweet as-pie]

Something this severe (screaming melt downs and getting suicidal) really require therapy, imho. That's coming from someone who doesn't bother with therapy, but for me, I don't have such strong reactions. I think that's really serious, I would recommend a therapist to try to figure out what's going on and how to deal with it. I read books about social anxiety to help me out - the best one for me was "Diagonally parked in a parallel universe", but again, as strong as my social anxiety was, I never had melt downs or became suicidal - that is very serious. If you are able to work through that, it would be an incredible win for you.

I do feel awkward spending time with my in-laws sometimes just because I'm an awkward person and I can't think of much to say, I can't be funny or cool, and I just suffocate with so much socializing - they are all great people, these problems are just from me. I think for you maybe the goal is just getting through it without a melt down - you don't have to pass with flying colors, you don't have to cool or witty or funny (I'm not), but just manage to do it. Medications can really help with the anxiety part of social anxiety, too - I needed to be on medicine in order to be able to actually work on the social skills, and now they are all much easier (even though I'm not very charismatic while engaging in them) - life is so much more bearable having dealt with my social anxiety.

I definitely agree that I do need some kind of professional therapy. I actually did have regular meetings with a psychiatrist and she identified that my issues with low self esteem and social anxiety were what was causing so much distress before social interactions, and of course being autistic doesn't help the fact I don't know how to interact. I'm "out of practice" so to speak. I also have PTSD which means that my flight or fight response is much higher and so I'm pretty sure that contributes to how many meltdowns I have. Unfortunately, I was actually scheduled to get specific therapy for these issues and was even on the waiting list but as soon as I turned 18 they told me I couldn't get it anymore and had to start all over again. So I would have to go to the gp again and explain and get put on a waiting list for months to even get the first appointment. Apparently the adult mental health services are even worse than the adolescent ones in the UK, too. So I probably won't bother. All I can say is that as bad as my anxiety seems and as bad as it is, it used to be a lot worse. I couldn't even leave the house in any circumstance without getting distressed a year or so ago. Unfortunately medication didn't work out so well for me.
Thank you for your response!

 

[As sweet as-pie]

Thanks everyone for your responses.
Some of them have been really helpful.
I'm supposed to be going out with just him and his mum at some point this week so I'll let all of you know how it goes. I mainly worry about appearing distant/antisocial as in a lot of situations I don't speak at all because I find it impossible to initiate social interaction, I can't even say Hi unless someone says so first. Luckily she's very talkative so this probably won't be an issue.

I think by this point the momentum has just gone too far, it's been building up (for everyone involved) for 4 years now, and I'm sure as soon as the initial weirdness goes away, it'll be just like it would've been. I'm sure I should get some kind of world record for putting it off for so long though!

 

[Rayner]

does your boyfriend have a good relationship with his mother? I suppose that your boyfriend could help advocate for what ever your needs are. what do you think about that?

QUOTE="As sweet as-pie, post: 411155, member: 15246"]Thanks everyone for your responses.
Some of them have been really helpful.
I'm supposed to be going out with just him and his mum at some point this week so I'll let all of you know how it goes. I mainly worry about appearing distant/antisocial as in a lot of situations I don't speak at all because I find it impossible to initiate social interaction, I can't even say Hi unless someone says so first. Luckily she's very talkative so this probably won't be an issue.

I think by this point the momentum has just gone too far, it's been building up (for everyone involved) for 4 years now, and I'm sure as soon as the initial weirdness goes away, it'll be just like it would've been. I'm sure I should get some kind of world record for putting it off for so long though! [/QUOTE]

 

[As sweet as-pie]

does your boyfriend have a good relationship with his mother? I suppose that your boyfriend could help advocate for what ever your needs are. what do you think about that?

QUOTE="As sweet as-pie, post: 411155, member: 15246"]Thanks everyone for your responses.
Some of them have been really helpful.
I'm supposed to be going out with just him and his mum at some point this week so I'll let all of you know how it goes. I mainly worry about appearing distant/antisocial as in a lot of situations I don't speak at all because I find it impossible to initiate social interaction, I can't even say Hi unless someone says so first. Luckily she's very talkative so this probably won't be an issue.

I think by this point the momentum has just gone too far, it's been building up (for everyone involved) for 4 years now, and I'm sure as soon as the initial weirdness goes away, it'll be just like it would've been. I'm sure I should get some kind of world record for putting it off for so long though!

[/QUOTE]

Yeah he does, his family already know about my issues, mainly anxiety. They don't know I'm autistic, but I don't like people knowing about any of that stuff honestly. I'd rather just try and appear normal, I don't like people making special adjustments etc for me. So yeah, they know, but I'd rather they didn't. In my case it doesn't make it any easier for me. They've known for years haha.

 

[Rayner]

yeah I understand. I don't like it when people make adjustments for either, I'd rather be able to advocate for myself.

Yeah he does, his family already know about my issues, mainly anxiety. They don't know I'm autistic, but I don't like people knowing about any of that stuff honestly. I'd rather just try and appear normal, I don't like people making special adjustments etc for me. So yeah, they know, but I'd rather they didn't. In my case it doesn't make it any easier for me. They've known for years haha.[/QUOTE]

 

[As sweet as-pie]

Okay guys... update, I haven't met them yet. There was an exhibition at a museum in my city about gaming (Which is one of my special interests) and I was really excited about going. My boyfriend had the idea to take his sister, which I thought was a great idea. (She's 11 and I haven't met her yet, either.) When he told his mum about it, she suggested she'd come too as she likes games and it'd be a good way to meet me. I was actually looking forward to it and wasn't anxious at all. It was the perfect situation, all the factors were just right.

But tonight, she cancelled. I think it's to do with money, we were supposed to go this week but now we can't. My boyfriend invited me tomorrow to go out with them to the park or something but this just made me freak out because no, I can't do something that short notice. Aghh! Also, I don't think I could ever do that anyway it's not the right situation or place... I'm very particular about all of this, it has to be just right.

It seems like every time I try to meet them, something gets in the way. I can't help but feel like the universe is out to get me. It took 4 years for an opportunity to arise with all the right factors in just the right circumstance, I really doubt it's going to arise again anytime soon. It's taking everything in me to not just end the relationship, I'm very upset and very frustrated and feel like giving up.

 

[Maelstrom]

Okay guys... update, I haven't met them yet. There was an exhibition at a museum in my city about gaming (Which is one of my special interests) and I was really excited about going. My boyfriend had the idea to take his sister, which I thought was a great idea. (She's 11 and I haven't met her yet, either.) When he told his mum about it, she suggested she'd come too as she likes games and it'd be a good way to meet me. I was actually looking forward to it and wasn't anxious at all. It was the perfect situation, all the factors were just right.

But tonight, she cancelled. I think it's to do with money, we were supposed to go this week but now we can't. My boyfriend invited me tomorrow to go out with them to the park or something but this just made me freak out because no, I can't do something that short notice. Aghh! Also, I don't think I could ever do that anyway it's not the right situation or place... I'm very particular about all of this, it has to be just right.

It seems like every time I try to meet them, something gets in the way. I can't help but feel like the universe is out to get me. It took 4 years for an opportunity to arise with all the right factors in just the right circumstance, I really doubt it's going to arise again anytime soon. It's taking everything in me to not just end the relationship, I'm very upset and very frustrated and feel like giving up.

Why not just go...you can always say you have a headache and leave early if it goes poorly?
And your boyfriend can come home with them?
Problem solved?
Let the boyfriend do most of the talking you can play with his little sister or something?
Don't over think it...just go...it can't hurt much...you are already likely in the dog house for waiting this long...no where to go but up?
Drag it out much longer you may get kicked to the curb just for not meeting with them?
Sorry!...wishing you lots of luck

They can't be any worse than family horror drama I got with the ex- I wanted to marry!
If they are Steven King books might start flying off the shelf and coming to life!....

Humor from pain!