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Me or them?

JJ19

New Member
Horrendously bad with the emotional stuff. Have no idea if I am being bad in the relationship or if my gf is being unreasonable.
 

Rodafina

Hopefully Human
Staff member
V.I.P Member

Me or them?


Maybe both.

Could just be a mismatch.

Maybe no one is the bad guy, but the communication and expectations for each other are off.
 

Aspychata

Serenity waves, beachy vibes
V.I.P Member
Relationships are so complex, l still am lost on the one guy l was seeing. I don't know what happened.
 

Neonatal RRT

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Given what I know of myself and what the scientific literature would suggest, this phenomenon is more likely a result of deficits in "theory of mind", sometimes called "mind blindness". In other words, perspective taking. If you don't have this issue, these interpersonal interactions are relatively easy to navigate. If you follow the "Golden Rule" of not doing something to someone else that you wouldn't want happened to you, one would think this is an easy concept. However, for so many autistics struck with this deficit, we are blind to how our behaviors effect others. Even with us pausing to think about it, we may be neurodivergent enough to think we are doing a good thing, because it may be how we want to be treated, but this other person is operating on a different way of thinking, and it backfires on us. I don't know how many times people in my life will say something or elaborate upon their perspective, leaving me silent with "I would have never thought of that in a million years." It's a constant reminder of just how different I am, how sometimes I feel like I will never connect, that I am a "visiting alien" in human form.

I have to be always thinking to myself, "I am not one of them.", and as a result, if the topic is something important, I have to pause and ask clarifying questions. I am an educator and sometimes project leader at work, and when I don't know how people are going to respond, I find myself asking a lot of questions. I don't know what motivates some people to learn, to obtain "buy in" with new ideas, to gain acceptance. So it is with personal relationships. I assume I don't know. I assume my way of thinking is not theirs. This is not an easy thing, "not knowing". I went some 50 years of my life confused as to why there was this disconnect. I think I have it figured out now, but old habits are hard to break and I stumble around mentally sometimes trying to make myself pause before speaking or action.
 

MNAus

Well-Known Member
Can't tell really. One thing I do know is that autistic people can over analyse and, perversely, caring too much about whether you're being irritating and saying the wrong thing is often irritating and would be better left unsaid. As painful as it may be, you might have to just not enquire and dissect. Too often I've been told off for asking if my partner is OK, or if anything is wrong. Sometimes I get snippy with "would you be irritated if a blind person asked the number of an approaching bus? Same applies" but mostly I just let it slide and stop asking.
 

lovely_darlingprettybaby

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Let's face facts
Unless...
Someone geniunely cares about you and your happiness and not their selfish ends.
Then they are not worth it...period.
I want love.
I get sad.
But I am tired of being treated like rubbish.
 

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