Making Friendships

[HughG]

Greetings.

This is a very confusing and frustrating enigma...
I've always been completely introverted and intellectual, and spending time in isolation is not usually a problem for me. However, seemingly endless days and hours upon hours of habitual deep thinking, writing & reading sometimes have a way of driving me into a DEEP depressive state. I want to make some friends and have a social life. Other than being around my immediate family, I'm almost always alone and spend my days in loneliness. Although I don't care anything about mainstream team sports, I do love the X-games and most individual skill sports (e.g., rock climbing, biking, skateboarding, surfing, hang-gliding, archery, lumberjacks, etc.). I love the outdoors, nature & animals. I love camping, canoeing, fishing, hiking, trekking, biking, and all things scientific. I love my work (graphic design). I love model trains, R/C cars, planes, drones & helicopters. I love entomology and catching and mounting insects. I love intellectually stimulating conversations about life, God and other things. I love learning about foreign cultures and eating exotic foods. I love joking and laughing 'til my stomach hurts. I love Marvel and sci-fi movies, watching The Weather Channel and studying weather phenomena. I love learning foreign languages, doing brain-teasers, playing word games, and learning difficult and rarely used words. And I actually love people too, but by the same token, I've learned over time that whenever I've let people into my world they've typically gotten frustrated with something about me and fizzled out of my life. I've been told, more times than I can count, that I'm too intellectual, too smart, too weird, too serious, too blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Does this sound crazy? Am I alone in this?
Can anyone else identify with this?
Can anyone offer some helpful suggestions?

 

[OkRad]

Greetings.

This is a very confusing and frustrating enigma...
I've always been completely introverted and intellectual, and spending time in isolation is not usually a problem for me. However, seemingly endless days and hours upon hours of habitual deep thinking, writing & reading sometimes have a way of driving me into a DEEP depressive state. I want to make some friends and have a social life. Other than being around my immediate family, I'm almost always alone and spend my days in loneliness. Although I don't care anything about mainstream team sports, I do love the X-games and most individual skill sports (e.g., rock climbing, biking, skateboarding, surfing, hang-gliding, archery, lumberjacks, etc.). I love the outdoors, nature & animals. I love camping, canoeing, fishing, hiking, trekking, biking, and all things scientific. I love my work (graphic design). I love model trains, R/C cars, planes, drones & helicopters. I love entomology and catching and mounting insects. I love intellectually stimulating conversations about life, God and other things. I love learning about foreign cultures and eating exotic foods. I love joking and laughing 'til my stomach hurts. I love Marvel and sci-fi movies, watching The Weather Channel and studying weather phenomena. I love learning foreign languages, doing brain-teasers, playing word games, and learning difficult and rarely used words. And I actually love people too, but by the same token, I've learned over time that whenever I've let people into my world they've typically gotten frustrated with something about me and fizzled out of my life. I've been told, more times than I can count, that I'm too intellectual, too smart, too weird, too serious, too blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Does this sound crazy? Am I alone in this?
Can anyone else identify with this?
Can anyone offer some helpful suggestions?

I share your love of languages. I recall the first time I used the word "Piacular" in conversation. I see that it is underlined in red , it is that rare. Or mirific. Again, underlined. PAH! (Oh, "pah" is NOT underlined? Seriously? This spell check needs an education.)

I did find a few people who would gather them and give them to me. I also found someone both to tutor me in a language and someone who wanted me to tutor them. They were good days,

BUT then I always ended up alone. I was glad that they only wanted my skills in language, but as time went by an d I tutored more and met a lot of people, but really and truly "met" no one. Not even one connection. And saw they all moved on the families and careers and I was stuck at day one, having to care for my stims and routines,etc.......it got to be What is thePoint?

I did it right up until the day of my accident, though. Had a great Blog all about my special interests and then when that car slammed into mine at 55 MPH, welp, GOODBYE. I died in that crash even though I lived, Now I have to just wait it out like a moth stuck on a windshield.

But, if yuo want to exchange rare words, I would be happy to do so while I am passing time waiting to bleed out on this windshield.

 

[Meg12]

Greetings.

This is a very confusing and frustrating enigma...
I've always been completely introverted and intellectual, and spending time in isolation is not usually a problem for me. However, seemingly endless days and hours upon hours of habitual deep thinking, writing & reading sometimes have a way of driving me into a DEEP depressive state. I want to make some friends and have a social life. Other than being around my immediate family, I'm almost always alone and spend my days in loneliness. Although I don't care anything about mainstream team sports, I do love the X-games and most individual skill sports (e.g., rock climbing, biking, skateboarding, surfing, hang-gliding, archery, lumberjacks, etc.). I love the outdoors, nature & animals. I love camping, canoeing, fishing, hiking, trekking, biking, and all things scientific. I love my work (graphic design). I love model trains, R/C cars, planes, drones & helicopters. I love entomology and catching and mounting insects. I love intellectually stimulating conversations about life, God and other things. I love learning about foreign cultures and eating exotic foods. I love joking and laughing 'til my stomach hurts. I love Marvel and sci-fi movies, watching The Weather Channel and studying weather phenomena. I love learning foreign languages, doing brain-teasers, playing word games, and learning difficult and rarely used words. And I actually love people too, but by the same token, I've learned over time that whenever I've let people into my world they've typically gotten frustrated with something about me and fizzled out of my life. I've been told, more times than I can count, that I'm too intellectual, too smart, too weird, too serious, too blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Does this sound crazy? Am I alone in this?
Can anyone else identify with this?
Can anyone offer some helpful suggestions?

I've experienced very similar circumstances. "Too intense" is a common description of me! People usually enjoy my sense of humor because it's actually me being completely honest about my observations of things.... this tends to be what people are thinking but not saying so they find this hilarious. My interest in complicated problems causes people to seek me out as a therapist of sorts. They know I'll deconstruct things, simplify, etc. and not tell a soul whatever personal issue they shared with me. The problem is that when I open up it's "too intense" for anyone to handle so then the retreat begins.
I really don't have a suggestion for you except to accept yourself and not believe yourself to be "too" anything. If people are focusing on these things it's their loss.... not something you should need to change or explain. I try to understand that the majority of people just don't have the capacity to understand and feel comfortable with intense personalities.

 

[Rayner]

You sound a lot like me.

Greetings.

This is a very confusing and frustrating enigma...
I've always been completely introverted and intellectual, and spending time in isolation is not usually a problem for me. However, seemingly endless days and hours upon hours of habitual deep thinking, writing & reading sometimes have a way of driving me into a DEEP depressive state. I want to make some friends and have a social life. Other than being around my immediate family, I'm almost always alone and spend my days in loneliness. Although I don't care anything about mainstream team sports, I do love the X-games and most individual skill sports (e.g., rock climbing, biking, skateboarding, surfing, hang-gliding, archery, lumberjacks, etc.). I love the outdoors, nature & animals. I love camping, canoeing, fishing, hiking, trekking, biking, and all things scientific. I love my work (graphic design). I love model trains, R/C cars, planes, drones & helicopters. I love entomology and catching and mounting insects. I love intellectually stimulating conversations about life, God and other things. I love learning about foreign cultures and eating exotic foods. I love joking and laughing 'til my stomach hurts. I love Marvel and sci-fi movies, watching The Weather Channel and studying weather phenomena. I love learning foreign languages, doing brain-teasers, playing word games, and learning difficult and rarely used words. And I actually love people too, but by the same token, I've learned over time that whenever I've let people into my world they've typically gotten frustrated with something about me and fizzled out of my life. I've been told, more times than I can count, that I'm too intellectual, too smart, too weird, too serious, too blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Does this sound crazy? Am I alone in this?
Can anyone else identify with this?
Can anyone offer some helpful suggestions?

 

[Southern Discomfort]

You are by no amount alone with this problem. I don't have as much of a problem in this regard as other people but this isn't an uncommon problem to have.

I've said it many times and I'll say it again, have a look for groups in your area for people with Asperger's and autism. You might find it helpful to talk with people who have similar challenges about things that interest you in face to face conversations. It would provide to you at the very least a chance in the week to talk with a group of people who get your atypical behaviour so there should be less judgement on their part.

 

[claireefc]

Hi im new to this site and main reason for joining is to try and make some friends. I the same spend most my time alone deep in thought but now it is starting to bothet me. Im getting depressed spending my time in isolation but when i do try to socialise i find it equally depressing trying to fit in and still manage to get it all wrong.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Hi im new to this site and main reason for joining is to try and make some friends. I the same spend most my time alone deep in thought but now it is starting to bothet me. Im getting depressed spending my time in isolation but when i do try to socialise i find it equally depressing trying to fit in and still manage to get it all wrong.

Greetings!

 

[claireefc]

Greetings!

Thank you [emoji5]

 

[paloftoon]

Any type of close relationship is hard to make let alone keep. Things may come and go. Those things are not under our control. You want to get to a point where you have low expectations for everyone, but where you try to have backup plans for yourself when things do not work out.

What is under our control though is meeting as many people as possible and attending as many activities as possible. Capitalize on your talents, but also be as open as you can to compromise on some others' interests too sometimes. This will help you be with people more. Keep yourself ridiculously busy with activities, because it will be easier to cut back when you have too many things to go to usually.

 

[HughG]

Any type of close relationship is hard to make let alone keep. Things may come and go. Those things are not under our control. You want to get to a point where you have low expectations for everyone, but where you try to have backup plans for yourself when things do not work out.

What is under our control though is meeting as many people as possible and attending as many activities as possible. Capitalize on your talents, but also be as open as you can to compromise on some others' interests too sometimes. This will help you be with people more. Keep yourself ridiculously busy with activities, because it will be easier to cut back when you have too many things to go to usually.

Wow. Very helpful! As pathetic as it may sound, I've never heard or thought of any of what you said. Thank you so much... although I know it's probably a lot easier said than done. I currently don't have any friends; I only know some people whom I see at church and I'm mildly acquainted with a few of my older sister's friends whom I see every year during the holidays.

[As a side note, I had NO friends throughout middle school and high school, and only had ONE friend (for a month) through all 4+ years of college. Most of my time in school was spent in stoic isolation. I was always afraid of my peers although I don't know why. Seeing social interactions between people was (and still is) always so difficult to understand or figure out---it all seems so complicated and confusing. I would go to great lengths just to avoid being around people. I would always see people talking and having fun with a group of friends or in romantic relationships, and it would make me wonder all-the-more what was wrong with me. I'd wonder why I always felt like I was out-of-place in this life. I felt like I was a mistake in this life and like I must have been accidentally left here by some aliens or something.]

I know there's something I'm missing about how to establish relationships. I just don't know what it is. And I have so many unanswered questions about relationships that it wears me out just thinking about it. For instance, how do you know when someone wants to be your friend or whether they're just being friendly? How do you know whether or not people are just looking to take advantage of you in some way? How can you read people's personalities to know what kinds of people they are? How do you know that they don't have some kind of trick up their sleeves? I get suspicious if someone shows me any unsolicited friendliness out-of-the-blue. My mind starts racing and I start to wonder what their real motives are. I mean, why would they want to be nice to me?

 

[HughG]

I share your love of languages. I recall the first time I used the word "Piacular" in conversation. I see that it is underlined in red , it is that rare. Or mirific. Again, underlined. PAH! (Oh, "pah" is NOT underlined? Seriously? This spell check needs an education.)

I did find a few people who would gather them and give them to me. I also found someone both to tutor me in a language and someone who wanted me to tutor them. They were good days,

BUT then I always ended up alone. I was glad that they only wanted my skills in language, but as time went by an d I tutored more and met a lot of people, but really and truly "met" no one. Not even one connection. And saw they all moved on the families and careers and I was stuck at day one, having to care for my stims and routines,etc.......it got to be What is thePoint?

I did it right up until the day of my accident, though. Had a great Blog all about my special interests and then when that car slammed into mine at 55 MPH, welp, GOODBYE. I died in that crash even though I lived, Now I have to just wait it out like a moth stuck on a windshield.

But, if yuo want to exchange rare words, I would be happy to do so while I am passing time waiting to bleed out on this windshield.

 

[HughG]

I share your love of languages. I recall the first time I used the word "Piacular" in conversation. I see that it is underlined in red , it is that rare. Or mirific. Again, underlined. PAH! (Oh, "pah" is NOT underlined? Seriously? This spell check needs an education.)

I did find a few people who would gather them and give them to me. I also found someone both to tutor me in a language and someone who wanted me to tutor them. They were good days,

BUT then I always ended up alone. I was glad that they only wanted my skills in language, but as time went by an d I tutored more and met a lot of people, but really and truly "met" no one. Not even one connection. And saw they all moved on the families and careers and I was stuck at day one, having to care for my stims and routines,etc.......it got to be What is thePoint?

I did it right up until the day of my accident, though. Had a great Blog all about my special interests and then when that car slammed into mine at 55 MPH, welp, GOODBYE. I died in that crash even though I lived, Now I have to just wait it out like a moth stuck on a windshield.

But, if yuo want to exchange rare words, I would be happy to do so while I am passing time waiting to bleed out on this windshield.

In case I didn't already say it...Thank you.

Now, I have an interesting word for you: acersecomic. This is an interesting word I just came across and I just thought I'd share it.

 

[Bolletje]

Your story sounds all too familiar. Ever since I was a child I've had a love affair with language and gaining knowledge. This led to me spending pretty much all my time on solitary hobbies, since other kids were either weirded out by my choice of words (making fun of me for using difficult words they didn't understand) or just not interested (nobody wanted to pretend to be a Greek god they hadn't heard of with me when they could be playing soccer)
I was pretty lonely all through high school because no one wanted to talk to the weird kid, and if they did it was only to try and copy my homework.
I started hanging out with misfits from another school that would skip classes all day and smoke joints instead. Not the best environment, but at least these people didn't make fun of me. Hung out with a group of guys that seemed to like me for a few years after graduation, until I found out they only liked me because they wanted to have sex with me. Thankfully I finally found a group of intelligent, friendly and fun people that want to be friends with me because they like me as a person, no strings attached.
No proper advice here, as I bumped into these people randomly in bars, struck up a conversation with them, and they decided they wanted to be my friends. And they sort of stuck around, somehow... Grateful, but still don't fully understand how that happened.

 

[OkRad]

In case I didn't already say it...Thank you.

Now, I have an interesting word for you: acersecomic

Hehe. I have not yet looked this up. I promise. But if I recall, it means long haird? After I post I will look this up!
Here is one for you: vagarious . If you know Latin, this will be easy. Think Vagus. Same with umbriferous. Think Umbra
Ha! Keep them coming. We should make a thread on here just for cool word.

 

[OkRad]

Hehe. I have not yet looked this up. I promise. But if I recall, it means long haird? After I post I will look this up!
Here is one for you: vagarious . If you know Latin, this will be easy. Think Vagus. Same with umbriferous. Think Umbra
Ha! Keep them coming. We should make a thread on here just for cool word.

OK, I was kinda right. It technically means hair that has NEVER bet cut. Like a Spartan! Or Achilles!

 

[paloftoon]

Wow. Very helpful! As pathetic as it may sound, I've never heard or thought of any of what you said. Thank you so much... although I know it's probably a lot easier said than done. I currently don't have any friends; I only know some people whom I see at church and I'm mildly acquainted with a few of my older sister's friends whom I see every year during the holidays.

[As a side note, I had NO friends throughout middle school and high school, and only had ONE friend (for a month) through all 4+ years of college. Most of my time in school was spent in stoic isolation. I was always afraid of my peers although I don't know why. Seeing social interactions between people was (and still is) always so difficult to understand or figure out---it all seems so complicated and confusing. I would go to great lengths just to avoid being around people. I would always see people talking and having fun with a group of friends or in romantic relationships, and it would make me wonder all-the-more what was wrong with me. I'd wonder why I always felt like I was out-of-place in this life. I felt like I was a mistake in this life and like I must have been accidentally left here by some aliens or something.]

I know there's something I'm missing about how to establish relationships. I just don't know what it is. And I have so many unanswered questions about relationships that it wears me out just thinking about it. For instance, how do you know when someone wants to be your friend or whether they're just being friendly? How do you know whether or not people are just looking to take advantage of you in some way? How can you read people's personalities to know what kinds of people they are? How do you know that they don't have some kind of trick up their sleeves? I get suspicious if someone shows me any unsolicited friendliness out-of-the-blue. My mind starts racing and I start to wonder what their real motives are. I mean, why would they want to be nice to me?

It's not pathetic at all. It's just harder for many of us than some others to assimilate into something that works for us well enough.

I never really had quality friends throughout much of my K-12 and college years and even through part of adulthood.

There are no rules per se. We will most likely "know" by screwing up so many times and then getting lucky to find someone who tells us what's really going on. Or sometimes, you can ask about your situation in a forum like this, and sometimes getting multiple perspectives can help you make the most informed decision possible.

Be mindful that there isn't always one right answer per se, although there are definitely certain choices that are better than others in many cases too.

Best thing to do is not give up and keep your options as open as possible. Don't let bad experiences stop you from experiencing other things. Take a break when you need to. Sometimes, people can sense your confidence. So, the best way to build it up is to build up your knowledge of being around with other people. The best way to make contact is look for other people who tend to be by themselves, and start asking them about something positive, or compliment them appropriately if you think of something.

Don't get too suspicious of someone unless they give you a reason to be suspicious or if you are in an environment that promotes that. I've done that far too many times, and it hurt me more than help me.

 

[paloftoon]

I would like to also add that when looking for people to be around, don't look for someone who matches like all of your interests. Look for a person you connect with on one interest, and try to talk or be around them with that interest. If it turns out you match on multiple interests, then you have more outlets to work with!

Also, by looking for activities on your own, this helps you develop confidence and knowledge. This will come off to others that you are not going to be clingy on them for everything or anything that you do. This will help you toward more independence as well. It will make you more attractive.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I never really had friends. In school I use to call them people I knew called them "Acquaintance friend" "acquaintanceships". Really I tried. I remember a kid named "David" but as no one knew what I had I could not understand why I was forced to hang out with him felt uncomfortable. I also knew my mothers friend daughter again no idea why I did not feel comfortable.

During 6th-8th (how we do it in the states) I had to go to a different Catholic school the other one shut down was no big deal as the old school just had Acquaintance friend. Now I do remember sitting in the cafeteria with some kids and the playground but I still always felt different like I wanted to be with them but then I did not know what to say or do. Again another kid Acquaintance friend did not work out either.

High School or what I called Hell School was frustrating. Not only did I see new kids make friends in a week but I was teased something that did not happen in previous schools. Really bad my first two years it was not until the last two years that I made some "Acquaintance friends" really they say Hi I say Hi back a word or two dead air end of conversation.

Then College was the worst no I was not bullied I was literally just invisible. Really could have faded away and no one would have been the wiser. Yes some rare occasion someone said Hi but it was rare. After two years of nothing terrible grades I left.

Going through various disability programs finally knew something was wrong with me. I did computer skills of course I figured out how to type quickly, learned in high school but figured out more advanced skills quickly. Got so bored I started to fool around mess around with the computers. Change settings that only I knew how to fix. Change wallpapers to something crazy like "This is why Windows 95 sucks" with a crash screen (yes that long ago using Windows 95).

After which I left the program I did an internship at a hospital with computers first they wanted to put me with people I could not do it and hated it so they put it in a private room by myself where I typed and redid letters. I loved it really did was not bothered or anything. Of course since it was an unpaid internship it ended.

Then in 2000 I got depressed I started to chat to various Christians online then after thinking about suicide I my Grandmother found me a church and group. Of course I went there found it amazing and believe it or not found friends yes real friends for the first time not stupid acquaintanceships. Of course things went good for a while hung out most Sunday's after service although I had weeks where they were not there and I felt hurt. Went to the group events and everything. Even finally got a job great. Even went to Canada the first time I ever went father than Pittsburgh PA.

Well like everything else in my crappy life I lost it all. First the job I lost because they no longer trusted me with doing work I just played Stella: "A Multi-Platform Atari 2600 VCS Emulator" Atari 2600. Only lost the job after they removed the internet off my work computer and on my own figured out how to get it back on.

After the lost job as I said I went to Canada, great even was getting close to an nice Indian girl. Came back to the states things were still great after the job loss. Of course looking for a new job was a big waste of time but I least I still had support from my "friends".

Well what do you know the story of my miserable life. Eventually the friends started to show up less and less on Sunday other stupid plans. Then the two main friends got married did go to there wedding but after changed they only wanted to hang out with "couples". Eventually the Indian girl stopped showing up or even seeing too.

Stopped going to church in 2004 but still went to the church group. Of course the new group was a mess. No one really talked to me back that invisible crap from College again and back to "acquaintance friend" I left in 2007.

Since then 13 years later my life is nothing really nothing. Only recently finding this forum kept me sane but who knows for how long.

That is a lot I might has missed a few things but there is my pathetic excuse at "making friendships", Yea Right.

 

[paloftoon]

Wow. . .

I know there's something I'm missing about how to establish relationships. I just don't know what it is. And I have so many unanswered questions about relationships that it wears me out just thinking about it. For instance, how do you know when someone wants to be your friend or whether they're just being friendly? How do you know whether or not people are just looking to take advantage of you in some way? How can you read people's personalities to know what kinds of people they are? How do you know that they don't have some kind of trick up their sleeves? I get suspicious if someone shows me any unsolicited friendliness out-of-the-blue. My mind starts racing and I start to wonder what their real motives are. I mean, why would they want to be nice to me?

Don't think about why someone would want to be nice to you. Aim to believe in yourself so that you know that people should be nice to you, but maybe aren't always logical and that you have to deal with some annoying people.

There is no "rule" to read someone.
All you can do is get to know a person. You don't have to become friendly with a person right away, but if you know a lot of details, then you can make more of a decision.

Unsolicited friendliness could be based on a commonality in a culture of a certain interest, something devious, or maybe the person feels too lonely or could even be on the spectrum.
It's good to be cautious, but don't live in a world of paranoia. I visited the place of paranoia before, and I lost a good date and probably some potentially good friends and community as well. Bad things can happen and we can't always prevent them, but we can deal with things as they come up.

It's always helpful to ask a lot of questions and be willing to answer the same ones you ask. It works both ways. Be as communicative as you can be, but in your case, unless or until you feel comfortable or unless it's been awhile (which if you can't gauge, ask others for advice and opinions, then make your own judgment based off of the feedback you received). A good rule of thumb I think you can go by is that you must be able to meet with the person 3 times on 3 different days and be able to enjoy each others' company. It can be 3 days in a row, but doesn't have to be. It's hard for many people to meet 3 times in a row. If you and another person are willing to socialize with each other that much, then that could be a sign that you and the other person can connect deeper.