convallaria
Well-Known Member
Hello everyone!
it's been a long time since i was here. it was a hard time when i fought with myself, i thought "oh i can do this and that and i can communicate like normal people etc. maybe i dont have autism maybe i am wrong"
i was so naive... So, the main problem is obsession suicide thoughts. I have never tried to really kill myself, but that awful thoughts follow me 24/7. i try to erase thoughts about death by doing a lot of activities. i go to the gym, i find a job, i passed most of exams. but my condition is getting worse.
I feel emotional exhaustion. i feel like someone is watching after me (i want to often change clothes and hairstyles because of it) and also i feel a lot of shame without reason. i am very very very sorry for my complaints! i even don't know how to explain my terrible condition with words.
For example, i go to work and i think only about work, i am hardworking and do everything i can do. i count and bring the money to people, bring the mail, send the mail so there is a little social communication but mostly routine work with papers and money.
i do everything i can do in the gym, i train as hard as it possible. i follow the strict diet because i hate my body and want to lose weight. i don't have time to think but it doesn't help. i feel pain deep inside and hear the sound of my voice in my head "i hate myself and want to die" sometimes it feels like loud scream (and i have meltdowns probably). i don't expect that neurotypical people can understand me, give advices about how handle with stress. but i hope aspies or people in spectrum can.
maybe you guys can help me?
i just want to be free, i just want to love myself, love everything and everyone! but my inner voice tell me: "no you want to die, you don't belong to this world, you should be ashamed of your reactions, actions and of whole your existance". i don't even realize what is my problem but i hope someone can support me and send virtual hug. life is scary.
thanks for reading this mess up text.
it's been a long time since i was here. it was a hard time when i fought with myself, i thought "oh i can do this and that and i can communicate like normal people etc. maybe i dont have autism maybe i am wrong"
i was so naive... So, the main problem is obsession suicide thoughts. I have never tried to really kill myself, but that awful thoughts follow me 24/7. i try to erase thoughts about death by doing a lot of activities. i go to the gym, i find a job, i passed most of exams. but my condition is getting worse.
I feel emotional exhaustion. i feel like someone is watching after me (i want to often change clothes and hairstyles because of it) and also i feel a lot of shame without reason. i am very very very sorry for my complaints! i even don't know how to explain my terrible condition with words.
For example, i go to work and i think only about work, i am hardworking and do everything i can do. i count and bring the money to people, bring the mail, send the mail so there is a little social communication but mostly routine work with papers and money.
i do everything i can do in the gym, i train as hard as it possible. i follow the strict diet because i hate my body and want to lose weight. i don't have time to think but it doesn't help. i feel pain deep inside and hear the sound of my voice in my head "i hate myself and want to die" sometimes it feels like loud scream (and i have meltdowns probably). i don't expect that neurotypical people can understand me, give advices about how handle with stress. but i hope aspies or people in spectrum can.
maybe you guys can help me?
i just want to be free, i just want to love myself, love everything and everyone! but my inner voice tell me: "no you want to die, you don't belong to this world, you should be ashamed of your reactions, actions and of whole your existance". i don't even realize what is my problem but i hope someone can support me and send virtual hug. life is scary.
thanks for reading this mess up text.