• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

love yourself is not easy

convallaria

Well-Known Member
Hello everyone!

it's been a long time since i was here. it was a hard time when i fought with myself, i thought "oh i can do this and that and i can communicate like normal people etc. maybe i dont have autism maybe i am wrong"

i was so naive... So, the main problem is obsession suicide thoughts. I have never tried to really kill myself, but that awful thoughts follow me 24/7. i try to erase thoughts about death by doing a lot of activities. i go to the gym, i find a job, i passed most of exams. but my condition is getting worse.

I feel emotional exhaustion. i feel like someone is watching after me (i want to often change clothes and hairstyles because of it) and also i feel a lot of shame without reason. i am very very very sorry for my complaints! i even don't know how to explain my terrible condition with words.

For example, i go to work and i think only about work, i am hardworking and do everything i can do. i count and bring the money to people, bring the mail, send the mail so there is a little social communication but mostly routine work with papers and money.

i do everything i can do in the gym, i train as hard as it possible. i follow the strict diet because i hate my body and want to lose weight. i don't have time to think but it doesn't help. i feel pain deep inside and hear the sound of my voice in my head "i hate myself and want to die" sometimes it feels like loud scream (and i have meltdowns probably). i don't expect that neurotypical people can understand me, give advices about how handle with stress. but i hope aspies or people in spectrum can.

maybe you guys can help me?

i just want to be free, i just want to love myself, love everything and everyone! but my inner voice tell me: "no you want to die, you don't belong to this world, you should be ashamed of your reactions, actions and of whole your existance". i don't even realize what is my problem but i hope someone can support me and send virtual hug. life is scary.

thanks for reading this mess up text.
 
Hey convallaria, I have been where you’re at. I know how hard it is. If you want to talk send me a message. *hug*
 
Hi, I know where you're at because I was there at one point myself. You might as well have described me a couple years ago. Obsessive self-hate, obsessive suicidal ideation...

Then the people on this forum taught me something that more-or-less liberated me from all that: self-forgiveness.

It makes sense. I mean, you're doing the best you can at all times, are you not? If you're being the best person you can be at all times, then that's all you can do.

The way I was able to get rid of that self-hatred with self-forgiveness was that every time a painful thought popped up, I would forgive myself for it. Whether that meant forgiving myself for not saying the right thing, or even forgiving myself for the mere fact that something happened to me, over the course of just a few months I was able to forgive myself for every failing, every misstep, every time I wasn't good enough, everything that was torturing me - whether it happened 15 years ago or yesterday.

Distraction is an excellent strategy, and that was the first thing I tried, but I found it fell flat when I had even a moment to think. You're onto something with the idea of self-love, but realize that with those thought patterns being so ingrained that even if you become the perfect person, you'll still find things to hate about yourself.

So really, it's more about coming to terms with the person you are. If you can find a way to become okay with being who you are, the thought patterns that lead to that constant desire for death can be changed.

You've obviously got the motivation to help yourself, and that's half the battle, the rest is just figuring out what works and eschewing what doesn't. Keep at it, and keep trying new strategies, and you'll find what works for you.
 
The trick isn't loving yourself. It is learning how to accept yourself. After that, only with time will you learn to love yourself
 
Don’t ever apologize for complaining, I’ve been in the same situation. There were times I felt like I wanted to be like everyone else and the thought of feeling so awkward and feeling different towards myself was so frustrating for me when I was younger.
I didn’t have many friends growing up always bullied everyday and labeled as an outsider (even worse) that I was trying so hard to make an effort to be a better person.
I’ve felt like I had no one around me besides my family for years and no one understands me that I had this self hatered towards myself. My mind kept telling me “I’m such a bother” “you’re at fault for everything wrong” and other negative stuff. I couldn’t bear myself knowing why I’m the way I am that in high school a couple years ago I was on the brink of suicide just because I feel like I shouldn’t belong but I didn’t do it knowing it wasn’t worth it.
There were some things in high school I could’ve done that I wish I’ve done but I was working too hard in school and such that I was not social enough with people and I regret that. I never went to prom nor did anything special in high school like most people do since I felt socially awkward towards myself. However no matter how much I was hurting emotionally I tried my best to stay positive to get what I want in life.

Now I just finished my first year at a 4 year University. Although it was feeling like hell at first yet again for a little bit, things were turning around for me. I was making friends even close one who really understand me and don’t judge for who you are as a person. I’m doing things that I’ve never got to do in my life and it feels so good. I feel that attending college has been slowly changing my perspective of things about myself.

Things will get better like they are for me even though I do have some down moments at times. I’m fine with the way I am knowing I don’t have to be perfect in life.
Do not give up on yourself cause you have your whole life ahead of you.

I wish I can give you an actual hug to make you better but virtual is better :)
 
Last edited:
This isn’t a specific Aspie problem, your story sounds like textbook depression. You need to get help.
 
This isn’t a specific Aspie problem, your story sounds like textbook depression. You need to get help.
hmm i don't think i am in depression because i'm not lying in the bed all day and care about other people opinion (they probably hate me i think) there is still games and music i'm interested in even if sometimes i feel apathy. can it really be depression?
 
hmm i don't think i am in depression because i'm not lying in the bed all day and care about other people opinion (they probably hate me i think) there is still games and music i'm interested in even if sometimes i feel apathy. can it really be depression?
Depression takes many forms. The combination of emotional exhaustion, self-hatred, daily suicidal thoughts, feelings of shame and guilt and suggestions of paranoia are more than enough reasons to consult a mental health care professional.
 

New Threads

Top Bottom