Lost 17 year old

[Mindf'Elle'ness]

My son is 17 but will be 18 next month. He still hasn't finished a grade 10 course that is preventing him from joining the military. He's been bragging to everyone for almost 2 years how he wants to join the Army, but does he go to night school? No. Summer school? No. I think he's sabatoging himself and I don't know why.
By this summer, his father will probably cut off the child support because our son technically should be done high school and doesn't have any full-time studies planned AND the government is going to cut me off funding because my son will no longer be a 'dependant'.
So as a single mother, how can I financially support a kid especially one that won't get a part-time job, can't motivate himself to do what he needs to do to join the military, and refuses post-secondary education???
I don't want to throw him out. I've told him that because of his problems (diagnosed with ADHD in grade 4, and possibly being on the spectrum now in his older years), I think he needs to stay at home until maybe 24 when he's got more maturity and skills under his belt.
But really. If he's not going to help himself, why should I?
He's hostile when I try to talk to him about these things. He's under the care of a child psychiatrist but he's been refusing help for 2 years. He refuses the autism testing his high school has offered him.

 

[GadAbout]

That's a familiar story. Sometimes you have to let these kids learn life's lessons the hard way.

You can't make him cooperate or follow through on things if he won't.

Could you send him to live with his father?

 

[Isadoorian]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

 

[tducey]

Hope it all works out for your son but seems like he's the type that will have to figure out stuff for himself.

 

[Mindf'Elle'ness]

That's a familiar story. Sometimes you have to let these kids learn life's lessons the hard way.

You can't make him cooperate or follow through on things if he won't.

Could you send him to live with his father?

His dad doesn't want either of his kids living with him.

 

[Mindf'Elle'ness]

He's such a hard worker (at his landscaping business), and he's done tons of volunteer work through Scouts. He's a good kid. I hate to give him the tough love, but how else will I get him to understand?

 

[clg114]

His dad doesn't want either of his kids living with him.

He is your kids father, but he is not a dad. That is a earned title.

 

[GadAbout]

His dad doesn't want either of his kids living with him.

Do not be an enabler of your ex the pantywaist. Show up with son and a suitcase and say "see what you can do with him. I do not 'want' this kid living with me at the present time."

Seriously. Dad doesn't want him? Too damn bad!

 

[GadAbout]

He's such a hard worker (at his landscaping business), and he's done tons of volunteer work through Scouts. He's a good kid. I hate to give him the tough love, but how else will I get him to understand?

If it makes you feel any better, the Army would not take him if they knew he had an autism diagnosis. For all I know, they might not take him with an ADHD diagnosis. It could be your son is aware of this and putting off that moment of truth by not allowing himself to be rejected.

You can't get anyone to understand something that they are unwilling to face. If you try to force understanding, you get called "mean" or worse. I'd suggest not being more invested in your son's near-term future than he is, himself. You've done that for 17 years (and sounds like you've done a fairly decent job of it) but it's time for him to screw up on his own. I would NOT be telling him you think he should stay at home until he's 24, because that both conveys a low expectation of his self-sufficiency, and offers him a free berth for another 6 years! Tell him that once his government and paternal support checks stop showing up, he's going to need to pay you rent or move out.

 

[Mindf'Elle'ness]

Do not be an enabler of your ex the pantywaist. Show up with son and a suitcase and say "see what you can do with him. I do not 'want' this kid living with me at the present time."

Seriously. Dad doesn't want him? Too damn bad!

Our son won't be in the same room as his dad. His dad has threatened him physically (for skipping so much school)

 

[GadAbout]

Sounds like there may be a male authority figure void, then.

Do you have any adult males in your circle - at church, an uncle, a teacher? - who could help to mentor your son?

I'm feeling like there is a little too much mom-son dynamic in the situation.

 

[Major Tom]

I'm 41 and have ADD, ASD-1, depression and anxiety. I still have a hard time grasping bill paying etc, and without the help of my wife, I'd be lost like a leaf blowing in the wind in those regards.

If he does have ASD he may need more help than other children you have. You can't expect everyone to be equal, and tough love does not always work.

As far as his father, I couldn't imagining abandoning my kids like that. I'm sorry to hear it.

 

[SusanLR]

If he does have ASD he may need more help than other children you have. You can't expect everyone to be equal, and tough love does not always work.

Life can present some tough roads and how to live with the situation can be a tough answer.
I definitely agree tough love will not work for everyone.
It would not have worked for me.
Basically I was content to live at home, but, I did work and contributed most of my income to the
family funds.
My parents and I had a comfortable life together. It was equal give and take.
I had anxiety disorder and several major depression episodes that I could not have gotten through
without professional help and someone to help.
Of course I had ASD also, just didn't know it until I was an older adult.
I don't regret the way I lived my life. If there is no desire for what most people grow to want
from life such as a family of their own or living on their own, believe me, you can't make them want it.
A life on my own with constant panic attacks and agoraphobia just would not have worked.
I would have ended up in a group home arrangement probably or worse.

If he is given the boot to go on his own, who knows how he will react?
But, a mutual talk that is not on angry ground is needed.
The military will not accept him if he is diagnosed ASD.
His options in life and the need to contribute to the finances is needed.
Let him make his choice.
He can find some source of income if able bodied enough to work or what life consequences
he will face otherwise.
Help him understand that's just how life is and make decisions.

I have known others on the spectrum and they gradually made it through education and
finding employment. Some made their home with parents home most of their life.
Another started with baby steps to experience being on his own.
It's all a personal decision and when someone else is involved things need to be decided together.

It is hard to hear his father wants nothing to do with him. Doesn't make it right, but, after
a certain age he can't be forced to take care of him either.

 

[sybok]

He is your kids father, but he is not a dad. That is a earned title.

Totally. Same with mum. It sounds like Mindf'Elle'ness has passed the mum test. But dad has failed his.

 

[VAW]

My son is 17 but will be 18 next month. He still hasn't finished a grade 10 course that is preventing him from joining the military. He's been bragging to everyone for almost 2 years how he wants to join the Army, but does he go to night school? No. Summer school? No. I think he's sabatoging himself and I don't know why.
By this summer, his father will probably cut off the child support because our son technically should be done high school and doesn't have any full-time studies planned AND the government is going to cut me off funding because my son will no longer be a 'dependant'.
So as a single mother, how can I financially support a kid especially one that won't get a part-time job, can't motivate himself to do what he needs to do to join the military, and refuses post-secondary education???
I don't want to throw him out. I've told him that because of his problems (diagnosed with ADHD in grade 4, and possibly being on the spectrum now in his older years), I think he needs to stay at home until maybe 24 when he's got more maturity and skills under his belt.
But really. If he's not going to help himself, why should I?
He's hostile when I try to talk to him about these things. He's under the care of a child psychiatrist but he's been refusing help for 2 years. He refuses the autism testing his high school has offered him.

There were a lot of things I never realized about my son, he is in his early 30's now, I did regret times I got mad at him for things I now know that he couldn't help. I wondered why he didn't seem to have any motivation to get a job or go anywhere on his own or progress in life. Two things that came out that made me understand more... 1. I didn't really understand anxiety, I thought it was just being a little nervous, but with him the anxieties take over and he doesn't feel he can talk to people or function that way. 2. Since he wasn't a big talker I didn't know he had physical ailments and also terrible migraines. Times he seemed defiant with not answering me when I asked him something, I now know that at times Aspies cannot answer you. My son only moved out of the house two years ago (almost) Sometimes we all need someone to lean on until we can get ourselves going. I always felt they are my kids and if any of them wanted to stay at home forever they could, I wanted to see them independent but I would never push them away. They eventually can and will get out on their own or maybe they never will because they don't feel able too. I always put myself in someone else's place, like how would I feel if I didn't think I could do something and got kicked out of my house for it? As a mother it is really hard sometimes to know what to do, how to help or what they need to feel secure enough to be on their own. In my case once I understood him, he opened up more to me, and even though there are still times he has break downs and I get upset I now know being demanding with him doesn't work.... asking how he feels, he may not answer me and that is okay. I will choose another time and maybe he will then. I think tough love they can survive but if you are the only person he has to count on and he loses that, it would be very hard. MY son at times still says he doesn't have Asperger's, and he was very hard to convince to go and get tested, he didn't want too because he said what difference would it make. Any help, he a lot of times, refuses because he said what is the point? No one helps. I think it must be very hard to be someone who felt alone in a crowd of people, who couldn't connect to anyone, felt out of place or physically sick from ASD, and a major problem was no one really understands them. My son has physical conditions and also is in the autism spectrum ASD, so he was able to get on disability, maybe he could do that too. Then he would be able to help support himself. Maybe you could sit down with him and tell him if he gets tested he may be able to get on disability and have money coming in. That may motivate him if he sees a reason to get tested. I can tell you that he will never be able to get on disability without a formal diagnosis. Well that was my situation and I never got a penny from my Ex for child support and I had 5 kids. It is very hard! Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do but sometime hearing other situations can help too. There were times I was at my wits end, not knowing what to do, how to deal with things, how to support them etc.... but somehow you make it through the hard times.