Looking for support for adult daughter

[VTdad]

Hello
Father here looking for support for our daughter.
She was diagnosed over 10 years ago in Boston by Dr Rosen, if anyone is familiar with him.
High functioning. People are often not able to notice it, but it has created an incredibly difficult and often painful life.
Recently she entered her 30’s, and came to the summation that she’s never going to have a relationship nor children.
Add now being terminated from her job last week, and we have a very distraught human being that her mother and I are trying desperately to find a new avenue for.
We’ve run out of words and suggestions.
Up until now, she has never wanted to discuss nor admit her condition.
I believe she is finally ready to face it and seek better guidance than we can provide.
My goal is to get her on here.
We had a bad experience when she was a teen, being placed with people with extremely severe autism, which led to her blocking the whole thing and not wanting to try a different avenue.
Local support does not exist for her. At least not to our understanding.
Thanks in advance for your time,
Ron

 

[Rodafina]

Hello and welcome, Ron. Do you think there’s any chance your daughter would want to join the forum and talk to other autistic people herself?

 

[AprilR]

Hello. I am also in my 30s, and i learnt about it over 10 years ago. My situation is very similar with your daughter. I hope if it is possible, i would like to talk to her too, if she ends up signing up here.

Talking with similar people here really helped me express myself better and feel better about my life too.

 

[VTdad]

Hello and welcome, Ron. Do you think there’s any chance your daughter would want to join the forum and talk to other autistic people herself?

That’s the goal.
She has been very apprehensive about the whole thing since we had her diagnosed.
I’m trying to figure out how to word it carefully so she will willingly choose to reach out.
One day she’s onboard to seek guidance.
Next day she can have a change of heart.

 

[VTdad]

Hello. I am also in my 30s, and i learnt about it over 10 years ago. My situation is very similar with your daughter. I hope if it is possible, i would like to talk to her too, if she ends up signing up here.

Talking with similar people here really helped me express myself better and feel better about my life too.

The little bit that I’ve read around the this forum, I’m pretty confident she would fit in.
Taking the first step is the hurdle.
She’s out now looking for another job. Hopefully I can offer this avenue to her tonight.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Acceptance can be a difficult thing for some. Not uncommon.

Some people try so darn hard to be like everyone else that they don't appreciate the gifts of individuality. As autistics, at some point in our lives, we simply have to learn to adapt and overcome. We cannot read "self help" books, take courses, and watch videos on how to be successful in life, because they are for "others". We cannot take advice from non-autistic folks, such as loving parents, for the simple reason that are brains are different, down to the micro-anatomy, and function following form, we think differently. Our entire perspective on life and how our sensory systems integrate our environment can be different from others. So, integrating well-meaning and loving advice from others might be impossible. The vision and destination might be there, but the pathways are often different. We may understand what needs to be done, but our brain's "hardware and software" often prevent it from happening. It can be quite frustrating. We can easily fall into a depressive state thinking we are failures, when in fact, we are likely just lost in the woods looking for a pathway. Life becomes a series of repeated trials and errors. We are often delayed in finding our pathways and destinations through life. We might not find success in life and peace with our condition until we are in our 50's or beyond.

Imagine your brain like a computer. 90+% are running on Microsoft compatible hardware and software systems. The entire world around you is designed around that operating system. However, you are a Mac, running a MacOS. It may SEEM as if the two computers are doing the same things, but what you don't see is that the processes of getting from "input A" to "output B" can be quite different. You cannot read a manual on Microsoft operating systems, follow the directions, and achieve the desired results if you are on a MacOS.

@VTdad, send her our way and perhaps we can help her out with a few things.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Welcome. Your daughter would be very welcome here.

Do you have any evidence she was diagnosed before age 18? Have you looked into services with your state’s department of Developmental Disabilities?

 

[Outdated]

Local support does not exist for her. At least not to our understanding.

There is almost no support for autistic adults anywhere in the world, it's almost entirely directed towards autistic children and the parents of autistic children. The only real support I've found is this forum.

@Neonatal RRT 's analogy of the two different computer systems is quite good. You're daughter is highly unlikely to find any helpful advice at all unless she speaks to other autistic people. It's also very comforting talking to people that have the same lived experience instead of having learned bits and pieces about the condition from text books.

Tell her most of us aren't completely mental.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I would be interested in knowing more about your daughter, education, is she atypically bright. I come from a family where many of us are on the spectrum, none diagnosed, all found our way through the maze, three of us even got married, had family, now grand kids. Helping each other when possible satisfying currently quietly keeping eye on my step grand son who I suspect is on spectrum. Takes one to know one. Either way this site is great. Cathartic
when you meet others, who share life's challenges.

 

[Richelle-H]

I feel for your daughter. I went through a very bad period when I turned 31 (30 did not do it to me but somehow 31 buffeted me in a number of ways). The point is that I was at the lowest point in my life and was despairing of it ever getting better. It did and then some.

It does not help to cast shadows of supposed future events on your life. No one is ever going to judge her here. We know, with vivid detail, what having a differently wired brain means out in the wide world. There is more experience here with ASD than you could possibly imagine.

If she joins our little family, she may discover that she is not alone. That feeling of connection to something HELPS immensely. I wish her all the best in life. High functioning autism is not a disease and it made my life infinitely better than it might have been without my Asperger's. I have never considered that an affliction but a decided benefit, once I learned to respect and get along with all of those people I once considered my inferiors.

Peace!

 

[Rodafina]

That’s the goal.
She has been very apprehensive about the whole thing since we had her diagnosed.
I’m trying to figure out how to word it carefully so she will willingly choose to reach out.
One day she’s onboard to seek guidance.
Next day she can have a change of heart.

I think your intentions are good, but I would caution you against trying too hard to “word it carefully” so she chooses to reach out. In other words, crafting your words so she does what you think is best.

I would perhaps consider persistence and patience instead of carefully choosing words. Many of us here talk about how much we need frank honesty from people and find anything else difficult to trust. You could just tell her about us and let her think about it. Then, don’t let her forget that we are here if she is interested.

If she doesn’t want to be here, that’s okay. There is a very important journey of self discovery that many of us had to take. Your support and care is a wonderful thing, but she may need to find her own way. Even if she doesn’t join, it may be helpful to you to stick around and get to know us and learn more about our varied experiences with autism. Maybe just don’t share too much about your daughter if you do want her to join. If I knew my father had been here sharing a lot about me, there is no way I would stick around.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Local support does not exist for her. At least not to our understanding.

If she had a diagnosis of autism before age 18, she would be eligible for services as an adult through the state Medwaiver program. If she lives in the USA.

 

[Tom]

Hi. I've been on forums for autistics for about 15 years now. Been parked here for the last 8-9 years. So far as I have seen this is the best place for people on the spectrum to start. It's nearly all autistic people themselves and has a safe rule structure with moderators (also on the spectrum). The basic theme is keep it friendly and civil and appropriate for all ages. If your daughter tries it she doesn't have to participate. She can just poke around and see if it looks relatable and interesting.

 

[VTdad]

Acceptance can be a difficult thing for some. Not uncommon.

Some people try so darn hard to be like everyone else that they don't appreciate the gifts of individuality. As autistics,

Well written.
Some of what you’ve mentioned are things that I’ve conveyed over the years.
Some of key points in your response are certainly better explained by you than what I have managed.

I hope she’s as enthusiastic as I am now.
I believe a whole new world will open to her here.

I often can’t sleep or concentrate at work. My mind keeps seeing this truly good human being, beaten down yet again by seemingly soulless people (her termination).

I also would never have imagined we would have a child who would become so alone and be hurt so much by others.

Hopefully she can find the courage to move forward, embrace coming here and opening up.
I’ll figure that piece out.

(btw this format on a phone with all the ads popping over my text is not very friendly…..you would think they’d show some compassion and not do that to this degree here)

 

[Neonatal RRT]

(btw this format on a phone with all the ads popping over my text is not very friendly…..you would think they’d show some compassion and not do that to this degree here)

VIP member status eliminates the pop up adds. You pay the site a small fee and it goes away.

https://www.autismforums.com/account/upgrades

 

[VTdad]

Welcome. Your daughter would be very welcome here.

Do you have any evidence she was diagnosed before age 18? Have you looked into services with your state’s department of Developmental Disabilities?

We tried to have some form of assessment done during high school, with the hopes that she would be able to transfer to a more supportive school.
Pretty confident that town politics prevented that from happening.
She was devastated when her high school showed her a room with severely disabled students. She clearly isn’t in the same level as what she witnessed. That experience set the tone for not wanting help nor “a label”.

I felt lost when she graduated and age became a factor in receiving any possible form of assistance.
The only avenue in our state was denied because that facility is setup for people with more serious levels of conditions.

Our state is pretty messed up.
There is no funding for people who are at a level of being able to contribute to society.
She was told yesterday that she doesn’t qualify for unemployment because she was terminated.
If she chose to quit her job, she’d be eligible for immediate unemployment benefits.
This makes zero sense to me.

 

[VTdad]

I would be interested in knowing more about your daughter, education, is she atypically bright. I come from a family…

Thanks for your response. Before I jump in and fill in all the blanks, maybe I’ll let her share what she’s comfortable with. Getting her on here today didn’t pan out. Hopefully tomorrow.

 

[VTdad]

I feel for your daughter. I went through a very bad period when I turned 31 (30 did not do it to me but somehow 31 buffeted me in a number of ways). The point is that I was at the lowest point in my life and was despairing of it ever getting better. It did and then some.

It does not help to cast shadows of supposed future events on your life. No one is ever going to judge her here. We know, with vivid detail, what having a differently wired brain means out in the wide world. There is more experience here with ASD than you could possibly imagine.

If she joins our little family, she may discover that she is not alone. That feeling of connection to something HELPS immensely. I wish her all the best in life. High functioning autism is not a disease and it made my life infinitely better than it might have been without my Asperger's. I have never considered that an affliction but a decided benefit, once I learned to respect and get along with all of those people I once considered my inferiors.

Peace!

Thank you. I really hope she’ll be comfortable engaging here.

 

[VTdad]

I would be interested in knowing more about your daughter, education, is she atypically bright. I come from a family…

I think your intentions are good, but I would caution you against trying too hard to “word it carefully” so she chooses to reach out. In other words, crafting your words so she does what you think is best.

I would perhaps consider persistence and patience instead of carefully choosing words. Many of us here talk about how much we need frank honesty from people and find anything else difficult to trust. You could just tell her about us and let her think about it. Then, don’t let her forget that we are here if she is interested.

If she doesn’t want to be here, that’s okay. There is a very important journey of self discovery that many of us had to take. Your support and care is a wonderful thing, but she may need to find her own way. Even if she doesn’t join, it may be helpful to you to stick around and get to know us and learn more about our varied experiences with autism. Maybe just don’t share too much about your daughter if you do want her to join. If I knew my father had been here sharing a lot about me, there is no way I would stick around.

Once again, excellent advice.

 

[VTdad]

I would be interested in knowing more about your daughter, education, is she atypically bright. I come from a family…

If she had a diagnosis of autism before age 18, she would be eligible for services as an adult through the state Medwaiver program. If she lives in the USA.

Unfortunately we were lost in the beginning, in conjunction with little to no options. 18 came and went.