Looking for suggestions/help

[Keke]

Good afternoon. I am reaching out to you for advice. I married a wonderful man who has a 17 year old son whom I believe to have Aspergers. I have raised two sons on my own and noticed immediately that there were many differences. I am a nurse so I started researching different things it could be and I kept coming back to Aspergers. He has almost every sign/symptom listed. A year ago he came to live with us because his home life with his mom became more than he could deal with. She is an alcoholic who basically has left her children to raise themselves. Our son has never been tested for anything he is extremely intelligent and I am wondering if he could have flown under the radar with school/his mom etc... I am coming to you for advise/direction. Can testing still be done at this age? Could he have gotten this far in life without ever being diagnosed? If we have him tested and he does in fact have Aspergers or some other diagnosis is there anything we can do to help him at his age? He’s seems to be this 13 year old stuck in a 17 year old body. We are not able to let him drive yet because the drivers ed teacher basically told him they couldn’t help him. We hired another drivers ed teacher outside of school he also brought our son home after 3 lessons and told us the he refused to listen and he would not teach him anymore. The few times we have tried we got so scared that we are afraid to let him drive again. He struggles at school although he makes good grades he only makes friends for a short period of time before he comes home and tells us they aren’t friends anymore. He tell us no one likes him at work and he doesn’t like his coworkers. I am working if this is because of his abrasiveness. I am really starting to worry about his future and wondering how to help him progress in life. He is a really good kid and most of the time very respectful. I am really at a loss. Thank you in advance for your time and advice.

 

[Fino]

Other people will have more details to help but I figured I could quickly give the short version:

1. Testing can still be done.
2. He could easily have gotten this far without being diagnosed.
3. There is lots that can be done at this age.

My brother has these exact problems! The only difference is that my brother is 31.

 

[Isadoorian]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

 

[Keke]

Other people will have more details to help but I figured I could quickly give the short version:

1. Testing can still be done.
2. He could easily have gotten this far without being diagnosed.
3. There is lots that can be done at this age.

My brother has these exact problems! The only difference is that my brother is 31.

Thank you for your response!

 

[Keke]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

Thank you so much!

 

[clg114]

Welcome to Autism Forums!

 

[Keke]

Welcome to Autism Forums!

Thank you!!!

 

[Major Tom]

Welcome to the forums. It is indeed easy to slip under the radar. I wasn't diagnosed until 37 and there's many others here that have been diagnosed later in life.

 

[GadAbout]

Get the kid some help. He is internalizing terrible self-esteem based on all the rejections he gets and his failures - such as driving difficulty.

Have a long frank discussion with your husband first, and maybe locate some resources, before springing this on your son.

Your son might reject the idea and the help, but he's at risk for some very sad outcomes if he doesn't get help. Be sure to counteract the low self-esteem with lots of praise and affection, because I think that really does make a difference. If he has any activity he likes and is good at, promote that.

 

[eriley74]

Hello and welcome!! I concur with all of the above. It's never too late to get help. I was 43 when I received my diagnosis. So much heartache and frustration could have been avoided, particularly during my school days, if school officials had understood ASD back in the 80s and 90s. But, I have been blessed with a wife who spotted my Asperger traits and we got some help, both for myself, our HFA daughter, and for our marriage.

Absolutely find him the help and coping skills he needs before he goes off to college and the real world. Believe me when I say both college and the real world can be cruel to neurodivergents. Best of luck to y'all and holler if you want to talk some more.

 

[Tom]

Many go undetected, or often the issue is avoided when detected. Its's particularly true with autistics who can do well with school subjects, get good grades, etc, as that is the major measuring stick used in schools.

Tbh I don't think one can ever really know how things will turn out when dealing with others on the spectrum because you can only be an influence and the outcome will depend primarily with the autistic. As the Step Mom I also think you have to tread carefully. Does the dad know or agree with the possibility? I would think he would be the one to address it with your son.

 

[Misery]

I've been through alot of the stuff he has. With the exception of the driving aspect... I drive alot, and if I have to go too long without doing it, it starts to get to me.

But the other stuff.... yeah.

I'm very abrasive and sarcastic, and refuse to apologize for either. And I'm definitely childish in many ways... I'm well aware of that and dont try to deny it. Even my appearance is off.

Some of the abrasiveness is sort of a byproduct of having endured too much bullying during school, way back when. It gave me a generally misanthropic view of people in general. Dont want to interact, always want to avoid others. Social situations go downhill quickly. And while I dont work a job, when I did, I mostly just ignored coworkers. Just had no interest and many of them were just annoying.

Thing is, alot of it is just a natural part of my personality, and the way autism has manifested for me. No amount of "help" will get rid of it, which is something my parents had to eventually accept. There are times when fighting against something simply isnt going to work, and when simply rolling with it, instead of against it, may be what actually accomplishes something.

The thing with friends for instance. While society says it's "healthy" and important to have a bunch of friends, for alot of us on the spectrum, not only does it not matter, but some actively dont want it. And because we're just wired differently, this actually does not have a negative impact on us. Rather, being pushed to find friends and meet people may be what causes problems. But family members and such have a very hard time understanding that fact, or accepting that it can be a thing at all. Of course, this isnt the case for EVERYONE on the spectrum. But it's quite common regardless.

There is no easy solution for the issues you are asking about, I'll tell you right now. There may be no solution at all. This is a fact you may simply have to deal with. There's no way to tell without knowing alot more.

As for testing, yes, you can get tested at a higher age. I was diagnosed back in.... er.... 2007? I'd been out of college for a couple of years at that point.

I wish you luck in any case though. I know this stuff isnt easy to deal with.

 

[Autistamatic]

We see this a lot. Parents, husbands/wives/partners, colleagues, "friends" and more, reading the many inaccurate and outdated tragedy/deficit narratives about autism online and germinating the idea that it may explain away the life difficulties or unfortunate behaviour of someone in their lives.
Autism is more than just a set of behaviours, it's a different form of human neurology. Our brains function differently to the baseline considered typical. Whilst the differences can be very subtle, at the root of it all we perceive and process the world in a way the neurotypical majority don't expect, and we don't always want the same things out of life. We may not be keen or even interested in having a circle of friends, we often resist being told what to do without context and we have skill-sets that can be extremely strong in certain areas whilst being equally weak in others. It can make work and education difficult for us to navigate because the majority of the world isn't willing to meet us halfway so that we can compete on an equal footing.
Please @Keke just get your stepson to a psychiatrist, without any preconceptions, and ask their opinion. He might be on the spectrum, he might not, but speculation and prevarication will not help his circumstances improve. If he is on the spectrum then it gives you and your husband a starting point to begin altering your lives and your communication to better accommodate his differences and for him to recognise what he really wants out of life and how he wants to achieve it. If he is not then you can get more specific advice to help or treat whatever is causing him problems at work and with relationships. Is he autistic or is he a listless teenager suffering the emotional and motivational consequences of a broken home and a disinterested alcoholic mother? He could be both, but until you get a professional opinion, any amount of reading or asking advice from people like us is just guesswork.
As to age at time of assessment? People are assessed at any age, right up to their 80s. Most who discover their autism in later life do say that they wish they'd known earlier on so they could have lived their lives knowing how and why they were different, rather than wasting years faking it.

 

[Keke]

We see this a lot. Parents, husbands/wives/partners, colleagues, "friends" and more, reading the many inaccurate and outdated tragedy/deficit narratives about autism online and germinating the idea that it may explain away the life difficulties or unfortunate behaviour of someone in their lives.
Autism is more than just a set of behaviours, it's a different form of human neurology. Our brains function differently to the baseline considered typical. Whilst the differences can be very subtle, at the root of it all we perceive and process the world in a way the neurotypical majority don't expect, and we don't always want the same things out of life. We may not be keen or even interested in having a circle of friends, we often resist being told what to do without context and we have skill-sets that can be extremely strong in certain areas whilst being equally weak in others. It can make work and education difficult for us to navigate because the majority of the world isn't willing to meet us halfway so that we can compete on an equal footing.
Please @Keke just get your stepson to a psychiatrist, without any preconceptions, and ask their opinion. He might be on the spectrum, he might not, but speculation and prevarication will not help his circumstances improve. If he is on the spectrum then it gives you and your husband a starting point to begin altering your lives and your communication to better accommodate his differences and for him to recognise what he really wants out of life and how he wants to achieve it. If he is not then you can get more specific advice to help or treat whatever is causing him problems at work and with relationships. Is he autistic or is he a listless teenager suffering the emotional and motivational consequences of a broken home and a disinterested alcoholic mother? He could be both, but until you get a professional opinion, any amount of reading or asking advice from people like us is just guesswork.
As to age at time of assessment? People are assessed at any age, right up to their 80s. Most who discover their autism in later life do say that they wish they'd known earlier on so they could have lived their lives knowing how and why they were different, rather than wasting years faking it.

Thank you for your input. I wasn’t even sure where to start....what kind of doctor to start with etc...I will be looking for a doctor today to at least get the process started. Even if I’ve is not on the spectrum I need to get this poor kid some help or he will struggle through this already difficult life

 

[Autistamatic]

That's good to hear @Keke and you can be certain we'll be happy to listen and help on yours & his journey towards diagnosis. At least you now know there is a community of autistic adults here and on social media ready to accept, advise and comfort should he, you or your husband need it.

 

[Keke]

That's good to hear @Keke and you can be certain we'll be happy to listen and help on yours & his journey towards diagnosis. At least you now know there is a community of autistic adults here and on social media ready to accept, advise and comfort should he, you or your husband need it.

The help/assistance you have provided gives me a great place to start. I want this kid to thrive. His situation has not been the best. I will reach out again soon. Such nice helpful people in this group. Thank you beyond words.

 

[Keke]

Other people will have more details to help but I figured I could quickly give the short version:

1. Testing can still be done.
2. He could easily have gotten this far without being diagnosed.
3. There is lots that can be done at this age.

My brother has these exact problems! The only difference is that my brother is 31.

That is all such good news to hear!

 

[Keke]

Many go undetected, or often the issue is avoided when detected. Its's particularly true with autistics who can do well with school subjects, get good grades, etc, as that is the major measuring stick used in schools.

Tbh I don't think one can ever really know how things will turn out when dealing with others on the spectrum because you can only be an influence and the outcome will depend primarily with the autistic. As the Step Mom I also think you have to tread carefully. Does the dad know or agree with the possibility? I would think he would be the one to address it with your son.

Yes his father agrees and I definitely agree with you that his father should be the one to take the lead in addressing this with his son. I just wasn’t sure where to go for help so I told him I would do the research. He’s a great kid and I want to be a positive influence in his life. I want him to flourish and have any help up in life that we came give him since he has had such a rough go of it before he came to us.

 

[Shamar]

Good afternoon. I am reaching out to you for advice. I married a wonderful man who has a 17 year old son whom I believe to have Aspergers. I have raised two sons on my own and noticed immediately that there were many differences. I am a nurse so I started researching different things it could be and I kept coming back to Aspergers. He has almost every sign/symptom listed. A year ago he came to live with us because his home life with his mom became more than he could deal with. She is an alcoholic who basically has left her children to raise themselves. Our son has never been tested for anything he is extremely intelligent and I am wondering if he could have flown under the radar with school/his mom etc... I am coming to you for advise/direction. Can testing still be done at this age? Could he have gotten this far in life without ever being diagnosed? If we have him tested and he does in fact have Aspergers or some other diagnosis is there anything we can do to help him at his age? He’s seems to be this 13 year old stuck in a 17 year old body. We are not able to let him drive yet because the drivers ed teacher basically told him they couldn’t help him. We hired another drivers ed teacher outside of school he also brought our son home after 3 lessons and told us the he refused to listen and he would not teach him anymore. The few times we have tried we got so scared that we are afraid to let him drive again. He struggles at school although he makes good grades he only makes friends for a short period of time before he comes home and tells us they aren’t friends anymore. He tell us no one likes him at work and he doesn’t like his coworkers. I am working if this is because of his abrasiveness. I am really starting to worry about his future and wondering how to help him progress in life. He is a really good kid and most of the time very respectful. I am really at a loss. Thank you in advance for your time and advice.

I was not diagnosed until age 60, despite having seen at least a dozen psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, and counselors, all of whom were given what amounts to a diagnostic list of autism symptoms.

The sooner you know for sure what the problem is, the sooner you can start dealing with it PROPERLY. It may not be autism, and treating it as such may make the situation worse.

 

[Keke]

I've been through alot of the stuff he has. With the exception of the driving aspect... I drive alot, and if I have to go too long without doing it, it starts to get to me.

But the other stuff.... yeah.

I'm very abrasive and sarcastic, and refuse to apologize for either. And I'm definitely childish in many ways... I'm well aware of that and dont try to deny it. Even my appearance is off.

Some of the abrasiveness is sort of a byproduct of having endured too much bullying during school, way back when. It gave me a generally misanthropic view of people in general. Dont want to interact, always want to avoid others. Social situations go downhill quickly. And while I dont work a job, when I did, I mostly just ignored coworkers. Just had no interest and many of them were just annoying.

Thing is, alot of it is just a natural part of my personality, and the way autism has manifested for me. No amount of "help" will get rid of it, which is something my parents had to eventually accept. There are times when fighting against something simply isnt going to work, and when simply rolling with it, instead of against it, may be what actually accomplishes something.

The thing with friends for instance. While society says it's "healthy" and important to have a bunch of friends, for alot of us on the spectrum, not only does it not matter, but some actively dont want it. And because we're just wired differently, this actually does not have a negative impact on us. Rather, being pushed to find friends and meet people may be what causes problems. But family members and such have a very hard time understanding that fact, or accepting that it can be a thing at all. Of course, this isnt the case for EVERYONE on the spectrum. But it's quite common regardless.

There is no easy solution for the issues you are asking about, I'll tell you right now. There may be no solution at all. This is a fact you may simply have to deal with. There's no way to tell without knowing alot more.

As for testing, yes, you can get tested at a higher age. I was diagnosed back in.... er.... 2007? I'd been out of college for a couple of years at that point.

I wish you luck in any case though. I know this stuff isnt easy to deal with.

I was not diagnosed until age 60, despite having seen at least a dozen psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, and counselors, all of whom were given what amounts to a diagnostic list of autism symptoms.

The sooner you know for sure what the problem is, the sooner you can start dealing with it PROPERLY. It may not be autism, and treating it as such may make the situation worse.

completely agree! Definitely want to find the root of the problem whatever direction that leads I’m sure your road to an answer has not always been an easy one. Working in the medical field I see misdiagnosis daily. I am glad you found your answer after so many years.