Shunya
New Member
Hello,
My name is Victor, I'm 25 and I have recently started thinking that I fall into the spectrum. I've been struggling with my lack of social abilities for quite some time, and recently I became more aware of the importance of my problems at communicating my feelings and understanding everyone else's feelings. I have been treating my social problems with a therapist for almost three years now, but when we have talked about a diagnosis or the possibility of neurodiversity he always said that he did not want to apply labels on people.
I have always been a really quiet person, what they typically call an introvert. For me it has always been hard to make close friends but I never felt the need to do so: since I was very young I started picking an interested in online games so when I was home (I used to be home a lot...) I was always on the computer chatting with people I had met online in forums or playing games. For me this was never a problem, during my daily life in school, university and nowadays my job as an engineer I talk to people daily and I have no problem in maintaining conversations, but it is really hard to go further and start a close friendship with people outside of that and make plans with them.
Until I was 20 or so I felt pretty incomplete, probable alone, but it felt good talking to people, even if it was online. I ended up meeting someone who I felt closer too and we started dating. She lived 300 km away from me so the first couple years we only saw each other during some weekends or weeks that we could spend together, maybe once a month. But we talked everyday, although we had some arguments that I never really understood why for things that looked really small or basic to me, like maybe I said something that unconsciously offended her, or that I had trouble taking decisions about what to do in our relationship. During the weekends or times that we met I felt very happy and I thought I was able to express her my love. Two years later she got offered a job in my city and moved here to be closer with me, although I was still studying back then. She did not have much money and had to stay at a shared room, and to this day I still regret not asking my parents if she could stay with us. I have never been able to ask my parents about things that are important to me, it scares me.
When I finished my degree I was supposed to go abroad to study a masters, but I did not want to leave her so instead I started working and we moved together shortly after that. She really wanted to move out of the shared room and live with me, but it was impossible for me to make a decision. That time she ended up looking for an apartment without my help, all alone, and I did not decide to move with her until a couple days she had already moved in. In the end it was a really good decision and I treasure those memories in my head as the best days I have ever had, I felt that was the life I was aiming for. We had adopted two lovely kittens and I was taking care of them as I was working from home (pandemic times).
Some time passed and I did not notice it but I stopped showing her love the same way as before. We had more space as before, not a small bedroom anymore, so I felt it was harder to sleep closer to her, to cuddle her, and I slowly stopped showing her my affection with hugs or kisses. At the same time I had started doing a masters degree in an online program while also working full time, so I spent a lot of my free time studying. Our work schedules were also pretty different and we were only together at night when she came home (10pm til sleep 12pm), and we only had Sundays as a day to be together, which many times we went to visit my parents although she did not like it.
A month ago, after 5 years together, she said she wanted to be alone and that we should break up. For some reason this came totally unexpected to me, I thought we loved each other and that we were living a happy life. We had been recently looking for a new apartment as well, so it was totally unexpected to me. After talking with her about it for a couple weeks I noticed the world I saw and the one she saw were different: I thought we were good and loving each other, but upon thinking about it I could not remember when I hugged or kissed her for last time. We were having sex once every two weeks because I was not looking for it, despite wanting it, I felt like she was tired many nights and preferred to watch a film or just sleep. She said I was really immature for many things I had done during our relationship (all the decisions that it took me too long to make), and she felt alone, so we broke up and I went to my parents, where I am right now.
Most people have always been aware of my social distancing issues, but when I recently spoke to a coworker about my problems for expressing my feelings and understanding my ex's feelings she suggested that I might fall in the spectrum, and upon reading about it I think I might: The alexithymia (problems expressing feelings) became more clear with how much I thought about my relationship with my ex, and even with my parents. I cannot remember a single time where I have told my mother that I love her that was not the typical "me too". I have understood that the "lack of observation" that my father always complained about me is not true, I'm always observing everything, but I pay attention to different things. It was always weird for me that I'm not able to memorize a single song lyric, not even one. I can listen to the same song in a loop for three days and not be able to remember a single lyric or even the song's name afterwards.
I'm feeling quite angry and sad now that I'm realizing things that I was not aware of before, I have not been able to overcome my past relationship yet and I really wish I could have been aware of these things before in order to not mess up. I decided to join this forum to be able to talk about my experience and lot from other people's experiences, as well as to feel a bit less alone, as I have no friends who I could talk right now and my ex was the only person I was comfortable talking with, being honest, I feel a bit lost in life right now. Thanks you for reading and I'm up for chatting if somebody wants to.
My name is Victor, I'm 25 and I have recently started thinking that I fall into the spectrum. I've been struggling with my lack of social abilities for quite some time, and recently I became more aware of the importance of my problems at communicating my feelings and understanding everyone else's feelings. I have been treating my social problems with a therapist for almost three years now, but when we have talked about a diagnosis or the possibility of neurodiversity he always said that he did not want to apply labels on people.
I have always been a really quiet person, what they typically call an introvert. For me it has always been hard to make close friends but I never felt the need to do so: since I was very young I started picking an interested in online games so when I was home (I used to be home a lot...) I was always on the computer chatting with people I had met online in forums or playing games. For me this was never a problem, during my daily life in school, university and nowadays my job as an engineer I talk to people daily and I have no problem in maintaining conversations, but it is really hard to go further and start a close friendship with people outside of that and make plans with them.
Until I was 20 or so I felt pretty incomplete, probable alone, but it felt good talking to people, even if it was online. I ended up meeting someone who I felt closer too and we started dating. She lived 300 km away from me so the first couple years we only saw each other during some weekends or weeks that we could spend together, maybe once a month. But we talked everyday, although we had some arguments that I never really understood why for things that looked really small or basic to me, like maybe I said something that unconsciously offended her, or that I had trouble taking decisions about what to do in our relationship. During the weekends or times that we met I felt very happy and I thought I was able to express her my love. Two years later she got offered a job in my city and moved here to be closer with me, although I was still studying back then. She did not have much money and had to stay at a shared room, and to this day I still regret not asking my parents if she could stay with us. I have never been able to ask my parents about things that are important to me, it scares me.
When I finished my degree I was supposed to go abroad to study a masters, but I did not want to leave her so instead I started working and we moved together shortly after that. She really wanted to move out of the shared room and live with me, but it was impossible for me to make a decision. That time she ended up looking for an apartment without my help, all alone, and I did not decide to move with her until a couple days she had already moved in. In the end it was a really good decision and I treasure those memories in my head as the best days I have ever had, I felt that was the life I was aiming for. We had adopted two lovely kittens and I was taking care of them as I was working from home (pandemic times).
Some time passed and I did not notice it but I stopped showing her love the same way as before. We had more space as before, not a small bedroom anymore, so I felt it was harder to sleep closer to her, to cuddle her, and I slowly stopped showing her my affection with hugs or kisses. At the same time I had started doing a masters degree in an online program while also working full time, so I spent a lot of my free time studying. Our work schedules were also pretty different and we were only together at night when she came home (10pm til sleep 12pm), and we only had Sundays as a day to be together, which many times we went to visit my parents although she did not like it.
A month ago, after 5 years together, she said she wanted to be alone and that we should break up. For some reason this came totally unexpected to me, I thought we loved each other and that we were living a happy life. We had been recently looking for a new apartment as well, so it was totally unexpected to me. After talking with her about it for a couple weeks I noticed the world I saw and the one she saw were different: I thought we were good and loving each other, but upon thinking about it I could not remember when I hugged or kissed her for last time. We were having sex once every two weeks because I was not looking for it, despite wanting it, I felt like she was tired many nights and preferred to watch a film or just sleep. She said I was really immature for many things I had done during our relationship (all the decisions that it took me too long to make), and she felt alone, so we broke up and I went to my parents, where I am right now.
Most people have always been aware of my social distancing issues, but when I recently spoke to a coworker about my problems for expressing my feelings and understanding my ex's feelings she suggested that I might fall in the spectrum, and upon reading about it I think I might: The alexithymia (problems expressing feelings) became more clear with how much I thought about my relationship with my ex, and even with my parents. I cannot remember a single time where I have told my mother that I love her that was not the typical "me too". I have understood that the "lack of observation" that my father always complained about me is not true, I'm always observing everything, but I pay attention to different things. It was always weird for me that I'm not able to memorize a single song lyric, not even one. I can listen to the same song in a loop for three days and not be able to remember a single lyric or even the song's name afterwards.
I'm feeling quite angry and sad now that I'm realizing things that I was not aware of before, I have not been able to overcome my past relationship yet and I really wish I could have been aware of these things before in order to not mess up. I decided to join this forum to be able to talk about my experience and lot from other people's experiences, as well as to feel a bit less alone, as I have no friends who I could talk right now and my ex was the only person I was comfortable talking with, being honest, I feel a bit lost in life right now. Thanks you for reading and I'm up for chatting if somebody wants to.
