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[JB2018]

I have a few close friends who know I'm "nerdy", and have gently reminded me that I tend to say something short, smile, and be on my way when I need to go. They have told me that if someone doesn't know you, this can be interpreted as rude.
It happened again yesterday, and I stayed in a conversation too long which made me late for the next thing I had to do.
I think my close friends are right, but I have a lot of difficulty recognizing signals in others and giving appropriate signals back to them. I've been called aloof, disinterested, and snobby by people who don't know me -- which does sting. (In fact, people who have become friends over time almost always say that they thought I was those things when they first met me.)
So if you have any suggestions about what I might say or do to gracefully exit from a conversation with someone without appearing rude, I'd love to hear it.
Thanks in advance!

 

[Joel's Hear]

Be really exasperated, apologetic, and breathless all at once: "guys, I have got to go - I just remembered...(whatever makes sense in the situation) I will catch you later!" They'll think you a bit flighty, but not rude. Return to your usual short replies when they begin to think you're too flighty.

The flightyness will be a relief to your perceived rudeness, and the return to rudeness will be equally well received.

 

[Theta.G]

"On that note, i have to..." [go to sleep, get to work, so on]
"I'm going to be late for..." [ something ] cya!
[chatter] [Well, have a good day! / night ] exits

I think those are good exits but then again i'm also an aspie so might not be the case lol

Also... don't take that snobby, aloof, disinterested criticism to heart. That's just their own perception of it. It's not necessarily true unless you embody it then it becomes true. Just as every viewer of your thread will have a different perception of you based on your OP and profile pic / stats.

Example from past pop culture. Can be broken down to individual views within a group.

 

[JB2018]

Thanks so much for those suggestions, I'll try them! They'll help both me and the other people in future situations, which is what I really want to do.

 

[Progster]

"Sorry, got to go. See you around/see you soon/bye!"
"I'm leaving now/I'm off now. See you soon!/bye!"
You don't need to justify why you need to go (but you could just say that you are busy or got stuff to do), but it's a good idea to let people know that you are leaving, or they might think you are rude.

 

[Suzanne]

In truth, are they truly your friends? Because friends are supposed to be upbuilding and not critical? If they know you have aspergers, it does take a little "give and take" so where is their "giving" to you eh? For example: if they are aware of how difficult things are for you, then they would know that you are not being rude; it is just you being you.

 

[JB2018]

Thanks for your reply Suzanne! Yes I do think the people who made the suggestions are my friends. They were taking a chance to say something about my behavior that had made them uncomfortable when we first met. Now they know me better and know how difficult it can be for me to talk with people I don't know. I actually appreciated it because it gave me a chance to ask for their suggestions (both are NTs ). But then today I thought - hey, I have new friends on AC who might have great suggestions and who understand what it's like to deal with these situations - this is so great I can't wait now to try out the ideas given in this thread!

 

[KImi]

"On that note, i have to..." [go to sleep, get to work, so on]
"I'm going to be late for..." [ something ] cya!
[chatter] [Well, have a good day! / night ] exits

I think those are good exits but then again i'm also an aspie so might not be the case lol

Also... don't take that snobby, aloof, disinterested criticism to heart. That's just their own perception of it. It's not necessarily true unless you embody it then it becomes true. Just as every viewer of your thread will have a different perception of you based on your OP and profile pic / stats.

Example from past pop culture. Can be broken down to individual views within a group.

that pic makes no sense to me what so ever... even assuming the person who made it was male as most of the people seem to be, why would your close friends see you as a cupcake??? or does that have some alternate/slang meaning in the US? but then I don't get what most of the other pics are supposed to be showing.. some friends and yourself see's you as a drummer??? your parent sees you as a child of a different colour on a computer? Society see's you as of chinese asian ethnicity??

 

[JB2018]

Hi Kimi,

There might well be different versions of that graphic with other genders and ethnicities -- don't know, but there are at least 3 ethnicities represented there.

This is what I saw:
- first: a "typical" smart, nerdy teenager, expected to go into computing and/or business;
- second: a solo drummer (his true passion?);
- third: too attached to his computer (all parents worry about that);
- fourth: sweetness, enjoyed by his close friends (love that one);
- fifth: his dream of being in college and in a marching band;
- sixth: maybe where he lives (and that he's unsure about his future).

The person who told the story with these photos shared a lot, really.

 

[tducey]

Just say; Nice chatting with you but I got to go, chat later.

 

[Thinx]

I like to slip away quietly and I rarely alert people. Except at work I sign out of the book we have to say whose in the building. But if I m in a group and I'm leaving early I usually will flag it up beforehand if possible as I am not very good in the moment at finding phrases. Then they're expecting it.

 

[KImi]

Hi Kimi,

There might well be different versions of that graphic with other genders and ethnicities -- don't know, but there are at least 3 ethnicities represented there.

This is what I saw:
- first: a "typical" smart, nerdy teenager, expected to go into computing and/or business;
- second: a solo drummer (his true passion?);
- third: too attached to his computer (all parents worry about that);
- fourth: sweetness, enjoyed by his close friends (love that one);
- fifth: his dream of being in college and in a marching band;
- sixth: maybe where he lives (and that he's unsure about his future).

The person who told the story with these photos shared a lot, really.

Thanks for the translation! I think too literally!

 

[Grandmother B]

Thanks so much for those suggestions, I'll try them! They'll help both me and the other people in future situations, which is what I really want to do.

Just be honest. I have enjoyed talking to you, but (look at your watch) I really need to get going. Have a good day." That should do it.

 

[Ang]

Umm.. one or two word responses seem rude I guess, even though I do that all the time cause thats just me.. Im just obscene.. but you could be like, no seriously I gotta go I got some stuff to do.. the *key is, making eye contact and some *sort of facial expression slightly *before the walking away.. cause I used to straight up bolt for the exit while saying I gotta get back.. i didnt even look at anyone just said that and walked away.. imagine you saw someonedo that.. imean in your head it seems practical , and you get mad at them for being mad at practicality.. but damn, they dont even see what you are saying, or if you said anything. You gotta ease out of it.. say something while getting up slowly like" yeeah theyre gonna kill me, gotta get back.. then theyll be like alright, then you can make some quick small talk while walking away just to ease the tension. Its about easing the tension. Also dont stand there staring at them saying you have to go back.. slowly ease your way out and make quick eye contact and facial expression before quickly walking away. Normals like it when you communicate with them when doing such things as walking around, or exiting.

 

[Grandmother B]

I have a few close friends who know I'm "nerdy", and have gently reminded me that I tend to say something short, smile, and be on my way when I need to go. They have told me that if someone doesn't know you, this can be interpreted as rude.
It happened again yesterday, and I stayed in a conversation too long which made me late for the next thing I had to do.
I think my close friends are right, but I have a lot of difficulty recognizing signals in others and giving appropriate signals back to them. I've been called aloof, disinterested, and snobby by people who don't know me -- which does sting. (In fact, people who have become friends over time almost always say that they thought I was those things when they first met me.)
So if you have any suggestions about what I might say or do to gracefully exit from a conversation with someone without appearing rude, I'd love to hear it.
Thanks in advance!

Please don't agonize over this too much. If you are not sure what to say, ask the other person if they need to go. If they say no, then just say, I do need to go. I'm sorry. Hope we can talk again soon. Or something along that line. And if you don't really know them, you should not worry about what they think. Good luck!

 

[Bolletje]

I usually say something along the lines of “sorry to interrupt you, but I really have to go” or “that’s really interesting, but you’re going to have to tell me more about that some other time because I have to go”
Or: “sorry, gotta pee.” And then never return.

 

[Ang]

I usually say something along the lines of “sorry to interrupt you, but I really have to go” or “that’s really interesting, but you’re going to have to tell me more about that some other time because I have to go”
Or: “sorry, gotta pee.” And then never return.

About the "sorry I gotta pee" and never return.. it dosent work well with strangers. They'll be like "whered this b* go she never returned". Then the other will say " yeah I know she weird". You will then be ostracized. Trust me I know. I've seen this.

 

[Bolletje]

About the "sorry I gotta pee" and never return.. it dosent work well with strangers. They'll be like "whered this b* go she never returned". Then the other will say " yeah I know she weird". You will then be ostracized. Trust me I know. I've seen this.

I exclusively use that for strangers I don’t plan on speaking to in the future. I don’t really care whether they think I’m weird anyway.

 

[Ang]

True.. when I meant strangers, I guess I meant people at work that you dont speak with. Although you dont care about them , awkwardness around them leads to ostracism, which at work can lead to bullying and you taking the fall for everyones mistakes. I've seen this. In the case of people you will never see again, you are right then; you really shouldnt care what they think. The line would work well.

 

[JB2018]

True.. when I meant strangers, I guess I meant people at work that you dont speak with. Although you dont care about them , awkwardness around them leads to ostracism, which at work can lead to bullying and you taking the fall for everyones mistakes. I've seen this. In the case of people you will never see again, you are right then; you really shouldnt care what they think. The line would work well.

Yes, Ang -- you said it more clearly than I could -- the most difficult is when I know I'll see some people occasionally but don't know them (and usually forget their faces anyway...) Appreciate your insight, thanks!