Loneliness

[Titania]

I find it hard to make friends. A lot of factors contribute to this, mainly being unable to talk and my own opinions of myself. My social worker believes that I have social anxiety.
Regardless of the reasons, socialising with others is just hard outside of the internet. On the internet there's that detached feeling, which is unfortunately not present in the real world.
However, the internet is also more unreliable, due to people being extremely difficult to understand. As such I find myself being lonely much more due to the lack of a support network. Currently, my support "network" consists of a single person who could realistically disappear one day and never give me a reason why.
Things like this have happened before to me and it has almost ruined me in the past. What I think I need is a way to stop myself feeling so lonely when the bad things start to happen, as they always do, to prevent myself from hurting myself.
Does anyone have any advice?

 

[Cactus]

Please do not hurt yourself. Loneliness is a cold place, and it's a struggle to keep it together. Is there no one else that's supportive of you? This forum is very supportive. Be good, and let us know how you're doing.

 

[Dillon]

It makes me sad to hear you are stuggling and I would hate for you to hurt yourself. I’ve been where you were, I hated myself the way I was to the point I was suicidal back in high school. My thing is to not give up on yourself because great things may happen in your life that you never expect. I know it’s hard for some people but that’s all you can do it to be the best of yourself that you can. Have you tried going to counseloring or a psychiatrist to see if they can help you out?
If you ever need to talk you can always DM me through here anytime I don’t mind at all. We are all supportive here.

 

[Graphin]

Maybe try to socialize with someone more local over the internet?

I really have no idea I'm isolated here too and I can talk

 

[SusanLR]

I have one person to be with who I know with his personality could kick me out at anytime.
Struggling with feeling alone has been hard since I lost my only family five years ago.
I get outside in nature and observe it all. That helps.
Coming here helps. Also meditation to music and guided imagery.
I do have a therapist to talk with twice a month.
But, it's like waiting on a feeling that never comes.
Maybe someday I'll find someone I can make a connection with, or just get used to it and comfortable
with myself. It's a road to keep on walking down, wondering what's around the bend can keep you going.
One foot in front of the other....just do it.

 

[Graphin]

 

[Titania]

Is there no one else that's supportive of you?

There is my social worker but many times I do not know where she is

Have you tried going to counseloring or a psychiatrist to see if they can help you out?

I used to have a therapist but they made me stop seeing her and I do not want another one because they will not be as nice

Maybe try to socialize with someone more local over the internet?

I started socialising with people in North America when I first had access to the internet and since then my mental state has degenerated a lot so I find it much more difficult to socialise even over the internet. It took my friend much trying to get me to come here.

It's a road to keep on walking down, wondering what's around the bend can keep you going.
One foot in front of the other....just do it.

But the problem is I do not know where I am going.

 

[Sarah S]

Titania dear

I would say my social network is around 99,9 % on the Webb dear and im also a lone wolf (as i had no choice then to develop this side on account my diagnosis and problems etc.... (al im my profile ) and i can honestly say im NEVER al alone dear . So as you have said problems in verbally speeking i would say Internet is a GREAT way to interact and met other people and make new frinds dear as in here you can speek freely and it dont matter if you can actually talk or not .

I can easily relate to youre mental state has degenerated as its the case of mine as well this past 6 years (and still going down and adding new diagnosis and day by day sadly .

Titania dear NOONE can for shore know were were going dear we al just have to try to take one day at a time and see were life is taking us

 

[Pats]

Hi Titania. Loneliness can exist in a crowded room or an empty one. I can remember feeling so lonely at times I'd find myself looking through the phone book. I don't know why I thought it might help me find a friend - it didn't. Sometimes I wonder if loneliness is more of what's inside us. Last Sunday was my family Christmas gathering - all my kids and grandkids came. Everyone brought food, we shared gifts, everyone was there by 1 and left between 7 and 8. I enjoyed it, but it feels like it's different for me than it was for everyone else. They were all talking, laughing, sharing stories and so on and I loved it, but I feel like I was more so watching and taking it in rather than being part of it. These are all the people I love so I enjoyed watching them all and most definitely happy. But it's almost like watching your favorite tv show. When it's another group sometimes it's like watching a horror film. So maybe, the loneliness comes from feeling like you're just watching the rest of the world. Maybe we expect more attachment than detachment when we're physically part of something and it's not always there. In person, we are trying to put on a mask and be what we're not so we might fit in. Maybe we can get ourselves to fit in, but we don't feel the same as everyone else, so we are not actually fitting in - everyone just thinks we are.
I'm sorry, I just let my mind take over and trying to think it out for myself and probably not even making sense.

 

[SusanLR]

So maybe, the loneliness comes from feeling like you're just watching the rest of the world.

That's the feeling of being inside the invisible bubble, I've described before.
Just rolling along through the world in it observing everything, but, not connected with it inside.
I get so tired of just me with myself and my thoughts as company in the bubble.
Sometimes I wish I had never known the feeling of having someone inside that bubble with me that
kept company with me, didn't feel I had to put on the mask with, trusted, and kept me from feeling alone.
Perhaps I would be happy enough with just myself. Maybe I wouldn't know loneliness, if I had never known
someone that made me feel not alone.

Like one of the best songs says: A rock feels no pain, and an island never cries.

 

[Suzanne]

Loneliness is a frightening feeling, so completely get how you feel.

For me, I just rely on praying to my God, Jehovah and am reminded of what is to come, due to what I believe the future holds for me.

It is a tricky situation, because on one hand, we want company, but on the other hand, can't cope.

I made it known for ones to text me before arriving and discovered that doesn't help; but neither does just "cold calling", because it puts me on edge that will someone just appear? But so does the text of: see you soon.

I decided to keep quiet about this, other than my husband knowing and he told the lady who had come to say hi to me, not to text in the future. Wow, I felt embarrassed, but apparently, he said she was fine and said that she got me.

Due to my faith, actually, online communications is much better. Those I talk to, are faithful and never let me down.

 

[interim]

You must understand that feeling lonely has nothing to do with how many people there are around you. People are so afraid of loneliness, that they do crazy things trying to avoid it, and end up even worse.

Having friends, doesn't help, since most of them can't understand you that deeply. Even your parents can't. This is just how life is. Most of what people do, is "escaping" loneliness, by filling their time with something to do. Commonly, people do this through other people, although the more intelligent fill their time with productive work, creating something. Anyway, whatever you choose to do, you can never escape permanently. You will be reminded constantly that we are just alone on this world.

My last friend was from 6-th or 7-th grade. We ended our friendship, after he got angry at me for a stupid thing, and basically said that I was not "normal". Some things you just can't take back... Actually, the fact that I don't talk much was not so huge problem, since some people are more extroverted and prefer to talk more. I've noticed, that actually this works out for both. However all this ends with the puberty, since people start to create other type of relationships - about sex, competition, popularity. This is where the "big game" starts, and many fail to adapt. I just don't believe you can ever catch up, and be perceived as normal, if you don't play this game with the rest...

Internet relationships are really what you describe. There is lack of connection, and people can disappear just like that. However, its a time filler. If you have difficulty understanding someone, something, just learn to ask. Most people don't know how to ask, they only assume, which is worse.

 

[Pats]

I so agree. And I'll add more - they don't understand that real relationships need to be based on honesty, not pretense. Seems like most the world is based on lies, everyone knows it but everyone goes along. Doesn't make sense. And, yes - ask away. But instead they jump to conclusions based on everyone and everything except the person it involves then bad things happen, relationships are destroyed and it could have all been prevented with a simple question to the right person.
And it seems the more people there are in your life, the more alone you realize you are.
Thanks for the thought provoking and welcome, @interim . I hope you find yourself feeling a little less lonely after getting to know this group.

 

[china autie]

"We're all of us sentenced to solitary confinement inside our own skins, for life."
~ Tennessee Williams

I think people live in denial of how alone each of us really is.
Maybe the true gift of being autistic is this knowledge, albeit painful it may be.

I have many acquaintances but few friends.
Part of the basis for friendship is trust. Trust difficulties usually indicates that there will be difficulties in making friends.
Part of recovery from trauma is the willingness to trust again.
Trust is not something that ought to be given without testing. Trust has to be earned.

Some people say that internet friendships are somehow to be valued less than conventional ones.
I have had the privilege of meeting a few of my internet friends and we got alone in real life too!!!

It has been important for me to find community.
I have found community in the presence of other Outsiders, people who are Othered by society just as autistics are.

One of the things I do in a crowd is look for people who are also alone, not hanging in a group.

We all do need connection. The questions are: How much is enough for me? Where can I find community? How can I maintain my own sense of autistic self and find people that I can relate to?

I may not have any useful answers but I do know that we are multitudes.

I have found that writing to the samaritans in the uk helps with things like loneliness.

samaritans dot org is their website.

Contact us is how you can contact them. Their volunteers are all named "Jo" and they will email back. They are all very respectful and will not attempt to tell you what you should do or anything like that.

 

[Illkurok]

It's never good to go to self harm just because you feel lonely. I know that from experience. I used to do it as a kid.

I suffer from loneliness more than I would like sometimes because I don't have any friends in real life, I'm too introverted and have so much social anxiety that it's like a brick wall when it comes to getting out there and trying to socialize.

I play a lot of Star Wars video games and listen to my favorite band all the time outside of work to try and help keep the dark feelings at bay.

You are not alone in your feelings, friend.