Loneliness and nothing else...

[painfully]

Im 35M from spain. I have been diagnosed with autism and depression about 10 years algo.

My main problems are that Im not interested in anything and that Im extremely lonely, but I just need one person in life...

I have been like this since I was a kid. I never liked to do anything particularly much... If people have super interests that are 10/10, in my case, whatever interests me cant be more than 4/10... Its not that I havent found my thing, its that I cant have a thing due to this...

My style of life is to basically always be in front of the computer, watching stuff or bored. I dont tend to go outside, just for errands. I also Im uncomfortable most of the time due to sensitive stuff... But its not unbearable. Its just uncomfortable. I mean, the skin, the light, the noises, etc... And they become worse going outside, so even less of a reason to go outside...

Since I have this lack of interests, there is no point in life for me... To add to this... What causes me most pain by far is the massive loneliness I feel... But sadly, by brain has "cut" the "need for friends" cable, so I dont feel a need for that... Socializing is very tiring and Im not even interested... The massive loneliness I feel is to have a single person I can trust and talk every day... And also cuddle a lot...

Ofc, being like this, sensitive, needy, boring, asocial, and stay at home, women dont want someone like me... I know because I have been searching for 20 years, I tried talking to a lot of women, and it always ends the same way... So I know that what Im looking for either is a miracle or doesnt exist...

Im just extremely lonely and I dont know what else I can do... Its very painful...

 

[Jumpinbare]

At your age, I was certain I would die single. Four years later I blundered into meeting a lady, and a year later we were married. Neither of us were actively looking for a relationship when we met. Go figure.

I'm a 67 year old grandfather now.

 

[painfully]

I dont know how your life has been, but I have been searching for 20 years... 4 years more of search isnt going to do much... Idk if I can say these things here, but I literally cannot keep living alone... There is nothing in life for me, just pain... And Ill give up in some time, maybe months, maybe a couple of years... But I wont make it to 40...

Also, most importantly... I dont even know where to search anymore... Tried all the forums in my country, reddit, dating apps for years...

I say in some time... But some days Im just ready to give up... I want to leave some things in order but I dont know how to do it, so maybe Ill just accept they cannot be in order...

 

[the_tortoise]

Maybe you will find some friends here....people you can trust. Or at least relate to...

Or just one person, as you said you want, so at least you have a trusted person to talk to -- even if not the trusted romantic partner I think you are describing that you are looking for?

Another thought is have you tried looking for autism specific dating or friendship sites?

 

[SusanLR]

I'm thinking the same as @the_tortoise , autism specific. If you could find someone that is very much like yourself.

I never had interest in friends or even romantic relationships that last. Never felt the need for marriage or family. My life was complete as long as I had my parents. Especially my mom. Also, my many animal friends and work that gave me a sense of accomplishment where finances were concerned. I loved gardening and living in rural areas away from so many people.

As you stated, there need be only one. For me it was my mom, and no one has been able to fill that void of trusted unconditional love since I lost her 12 years ago.
I have a house companion that helps sometimes. Sometimes it is unbearable.
I've never gotten used to living totally alone either and having agoraphobia since age 13 has not helped.

I wish you the best. Hang in for the roller coaster ride. Might as well.

 

[Crossbreed]

Hello & welcome @painfully!

 

[Mary Terry]

Welcome, @painfully. Please look at the many threads here that talk about the exact thing that you are experiencing. You are not alone here.

 

[FayetheADHDsquirrel]

Welcome to the forum! I hope you can find some good friends here on the forum. I also think that it might help with the depression if you could find a way to minimize sensory sensitivities and get out of the house some. I know there are a lot of people that use things like noise cancelling headphones. I know that being indoors all the time drags my mood down but, getting outside reenergizes me. I hope you will find that this helps you as well. Please don't give up.

 

[Rodafina]

Welcome to the forums, @painfully.

I'm sad to read about your pain. I hope you can alleviate some of that by talking to people here and finding something that will fill the void of loneliness.

 

[Matthias]

Welcome to the forum, @painfully. I can definitely relate to how you feel.

Fortunately, there are a few things you can do to improve your situation. Since socializing is tiring and uninteresting, seek interactions with others that involve doing something you enjoy instead of just talking. After you've had many positive experiences with others, you may start to feel better around them, want to get to know them, and become friends, which can help you feel less alone.

As far as women are concerned, being sensitive, needy, boring, asocial, and wanting to stay at home doesn't prevent you from having a relationship with a women. It just limits the number of women who would be interested in a relationship with you. For example, while most women probably wouldn't be interested, women who are disabled, homeless, obese, confined to a wheelchair, mentally ill, etc. may see you as a great partner (better than the other men they are able to attract). Your lack of success so far may have simply been due to having standards that are too high given your circumstances and what you have to offer. If you look around, you'll see that people who have much less to offer than you are able to find romantic relationships.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Welcome, painfully. I’m glad you’re here.

 

[RemyZee]

So good to have you here. Hopefully you can find people here you relate to. Said happily.

 

[amtae]

Hi. Your introduction has resonated with me, I can relate to some of your experience.

I have been like this since I was a kid. I never liked to do anything particularly much... If people have super interests that are 10/10, in my case, whatever interests me cant be more than 4/10... Its not that I havent found my thing, its that I cant have a thing due to this...

I feel like I’ve been mildly depressed ever since I was a child (there were better and worse times), I’ve also had sleep problems for as long as I can remember myself. At the worse times, I’d have little to no energy to do anything, let alone develop strong interests.

I just need one person in life...
...
Socializing is very tiring and Im not even interested...

I’ve always been the kind of person to have 1 or 2 closest people (or 0, but I am okay with that - okay with myself). Just an only friend or a partner who is at the same time my best friend. I’m good at being in relationships - not so good and getting there (exhausting just thinking about it…).

It saddens me deeply to learn about your pain. I’ve known people who felt just like you at some point - and in the end they got what they’d given up on finding. Qualities you deem undesirable others might find appealing (being sensitive, emotional, a homebody, etc).

I hope you find here what you’ve been looking for or something else that can fulfil you in a way you need, that things get better for you.

 

[painfully]

It saddens me deeply to learn about your pain. I’ve known people who felt just like you at some point - and in the end they got what they’d given up on finding. Qualities you deem undesirable others might find appealing (being sensitive, emotional, a homebody, etc)

I haven't given up because the day j give up us the day I'll end it... idk what else to do and I'm about to lose hope... All I can do is post on reddit and wait for people to tell me I'm wrong... But I'm old and the pain and baggage of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING is too great

Those qualities might be desirable for some.... But not many... Its not by chance that I'm alone.... I have been searching all these years and talked with a lot of women...

Im just unwanted trash...

 

[FayetheADHDsquirrel]

Your life does matter. You're just really depressed right now. Don't give up and don't hesitate to seek emergency help if you need to. You can call 988 if in the USA and I think you can go to an emergency room as well. Other countries probably have something similar too.

 

[maleonolo]

Do most guys get depressed if they can't find women?

 

[grommet]

Im 35M from spain. I have been diagnosed with autism and depression about 10 years algo.

My main problems are that Im not interested in anything and that Im extremely lonely, but I just need one person in life...

Im just extremely lonely and I dont know what else I can do... Its very painful...

Hello, I am glad you are here. I have felt the way you do. Very lonely but do not want to or cannot socialize. I also wanted badly a girlfriend. It was the most important thing to me all my life.

I was 42 when I met my girlfriend, we were in the same in-person autism meeting group. All my life I wanted to know so many things. Being with her answered all my questions. We were together for eight years and since we broke up I no longer feel lonely for a girlfriend at all. I still feel very lonely for company, for a friend, but I no longer have that terrible empty feeling because I am not dating. I cannot explain how it happened but all of my relationship questions and feelings were answered being with her in our long-term relationship.

I do not know what to hope for you except that you start feeling better. When I am depressed, I cannot see ahead. I only feel and think stuck. And that how I feel and what my life is like will always be that way but it is not real. I cannot know what could happen.

I am glad you came to talk to us.

 

[painfully]

Do most guys get depressed if they can't find women?

Yes, it hits very hard on them. I know cause I usually look into lonely, depression, suicide, even autism reddits and its extremely common.

Although In my case I dont want to cheapen it like if I could get just some random woman and that she would be interchangeable. Sadly, I need a deeper connection than most... But in the end, I just want to be accepted and loved like most.

Hello, I am glad you are here. I have felt the way you do. Very lonely but do not want to or cannot socialize. I also wanted badly a girlfriend. It was the most important thing to me all my life.

I was 42 when I met my girlfriend, we were in the same in-person autism meeting group. All my life I wanted to know so many things. Being with her answered all my questions. We were together for eight years and since we broke up I no longer feel lonely for a girlfriend at all. I still feel very lonely for company, for a friend, but I no longer have that terrible empty feeling because I am not dating. I cannot explain how it happened but all of my relationship questions and feelings were answered being with her in our long-term relationship.

I do not know what to hope for you except that you start feeling better. When I am depressed, I cannot see ahead. I only feel and think stuck. And that how I feel and what my life is like will always be that way but it is not real. I cannot know what could happen.

I am glad you came to talk to us.

When I was 20 yo I found a girl that accepted and loved me and filled me... She was autist too but had other health problems... It was long distance, and after several years, it just ended due to life... 15 years later, and still havent found nobody, even tho I try to talk to women, when I think its even there a remote chance of compatibility. Although Im not an idiot and I dont try to talk with everyone, I know that most women wouldnt want me...

 

[grommet]

Yes, it hits very hard on them. I know cause I usually look into lonely, depression, suicide, even autism reddits and its extremely common.

Although In my case I dont want to cheapen it like if I could get just some random woman and that she would be interchangeable. Sadly, I need a deeper connection than most... But in the end, I just want to be accepted and loved like most.



When I was 20 yo I found a girl that accepted and loved me and filled me... She was autist too but had other health problems... It was long distance, and after several years, it just ended due to life... 15 years later, and still havent found nobody, even tho I try to talk to women, when I think its even there a remote chance of compatibility. Although Im not an idiot and I dont try to talk with everyone, I know that most women wouldnt want me...

When I was being rejected by women I did not notice how I was being around them. After a long time I thought about it and I realized that women want to be around someone they want to be around. I am sorry for the repetition but what I mean is, women are people, people want to be around nice people. People who are pleasant and interesting and honest. There is more to attraction but this is just what any person wants.

Being nicer and more honest and not just trying to attract their attention, which I think is a kind of manipulation and so, dishonest, is not nice. I think it puts people on guard (make them feel protective). Just being good company for anyone is what I needed to do. As best I could. Since there were a lot of things I could not do like other people I had to focus on what I could do. I worked on being more honest, more myself. That stopped me from thinking so much and "trying to do things". Just be around someone and liking them if I did but being honest and not trying to or pretending to like someone I did not. This attracted more people I was compatible with.

I stopped trying to be like other men, I could not do it anyway. I do not speak much, see things literally and I am not interested in popular things. But really being myself was attractive I guess because I started having dates and they went better.

I thought women were a problem I needed to solve. Figure out how to manipulate them into spending time with me. How awful. They were people like me who wanted to spend time with someone they were comfortable around and were genuinely interested in them. That meant me not showing interest in any woman, but only in people I did like. It kept coming back to honesty.

Being in a relationship I think was about answering questions about my self worth, if I could do the things I thought I was supposed to be able to. I found out I could do a lot of those things but did not want to.

I like to laugh. I like smart people. Kindness is most important to me. My ex was very interesting to me when I just met her in the first meeting because I could not predict anything she would say. I had no idea so I listened with fascination. She was also extremely funny. But she was not kind. I am still grateful we met and were together. There was a lot of happiness.

If you like a woman that is the reason to talk to her. Then if she likes you too, you are becoming friends.

 

[Outdated]

My style of life is to basically always be in front of the computer, watching stuff or bored. I dont tend to go outside, just for errands. I also Im uncomfortable most of the time due to sensitive stuff... But its not unbearable. Its just uncomfortable. I mean, the skin, the light, the noises, etc... And they become worse going outside, so even less of a reason to go outside...

This will be a big part of your problem, not that you're a stay at home computer geek, but that you're only looking for women online. Very few successful relationships happen that way, meeting people in person for the first time makes it a very different situation.

If you want to meet women you need to start regularly attending some sort of social venue. As an Aussie the local pub was the obvious answer for me but it doesn't have to be a pub. Spend 90 minutes every week sitting in a cafe and reading a book. If you're always there at the same time every week regular female customers will notice you and if it doesn't look like you're "on the prowl" chasing women they'll likely get curious about you and come up and talk to you.

I also used to take a book to the pub, but Aussie pubs are different to other countries.