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Featured Lingering Resentment towards my mother

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by Rebecca Merriam, Aug 7, 2019.

  1. Rebecca Merriam

    Rebecca Merriam Active Member

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    Warning: this might be a rambling mess, I've been writing over the course of four days and I have hard time keeping thoughts tied to intense emotion organized.
    my mother and I have an estranged relationship and she lives 15 minutes away. I would like to emphasize I was Never Abused and I know I'm lucky and I could of had it worse, but All the same my mother makes me insanely angry.

    A lot growing up she told me anytime I had a frustrating emotion, I was told, reminded, and inforced that I'm not allowed to feel mad, especially at her, and unfortunately that's not a healthy way to cope with anger, and despite what my mom believed you can't deny an emotion. Unfortunately When I'm angry at a person I become obsessive about it. Now I've learned to let things go a little but that's a skill I'm working on and I can function with other adults who tick me off, but not my mother.

    Some of my anger I feel is justified, she was neglectful, blamed all her problems on everyone else, and never takes responsibility for her mistakes. When my parents divorced, she'd take her child support and certainly didn't spend much on me. Everything was my dad's fault according to her. When they were together my mother didn't work, not because she wanted to be a stay at home mom, but because jobs are hard. My dad and others would set up interviews for her, and She'd read the job description, decided it was too difficult, and wouldn't even try. But my parents not having money, or going on nice trips, or nice restaurants, too her it was my dad's fault. The fact that we lost our house because we no longer could afford it, didn't register with her. It wasn't until divorce that she finally got a job, then all things going wrong were then my fault. And my dad gives my mother more credit then she'll give him.

    One of the things that was really upsetting when I was a teen was she cut me off from one of my favorite relatives because when my mother was in remission for breast cancer, my aunt just found out she had cancer, and apparently tried talking to my mom about her feelings, and my mom stopped talking to her.

    And I lost contact with family I loved for years, until I contacted her independently. The really sad thing she wants to get in contact with my mom and she doesn't understand what happened.

    After I moved out on my own, for a while I moved to a new state, and I tried to be a good daughter, I would call each week, but my mother often would ignore my calls. If i couldn't get ahold of her I would try again another day, and another day and another day, and then wouldn't get through for a month or two. And she acted like everything is normal, like not talking to your daughter for months was normal

    Growing up I watched her ignore calls from all sorts of family because she didn't feel like talking, but never thought she'd do it to me. Once when my dad had to go to the hospital, I need to get a hold of my mother and she ignored my call until I finally lost it and chewed her out in voice mail, to which she called back immediately and told me she was "in the shower" apparently that was a 6 hour shower.

    I remember when I told her I was certain my husband and I were thinking of getting married, she wasn't really interested

    Like I feel now that I'm adult and no longer a "cute little girl" she isn't interested in me any more. We've had her over a hand full of times, tried to watch stuff with her but every time she'll say what we are watching is weird. Or ask to borrow our laptop and do whatever, then leave. I've told her I would like to do family therapy, and she said that would be a good idea, and she set us up at her therapist, and then never heard about it again. I don't know what else to do or how to talk to her
     
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  2. Cazelle

    Cazelle Well-Known Member

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    Your mother sounds like a very insecure, self-centred person.
     
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  3. GadAbout

    GadAbout Well-Known Member

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    I don't think you should get more involved with your mother, but be careful of the lingering resentment. It can eat you up. You need to wash your hands of an unproductive relationship but not remain angry for things she did wrong. A talk therapist can help you with this.

    Sorry it went that way for you. It obviously must have been very damaging.
     
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  4. Wolf Prince

    Wolf Prince My future job title.

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    Your following my rule. You want to be there for her get to know her and have her in your life. She doesnt. I suspect some of frustration and anger is the fact you cant get threw to her. You want her to love you to be in your life. She doesnt and that hurts. Hence the anger. If i told youve done all you can that wouldn't be enough. You want her to be better then she is. I respect how hard you have tried. Also i have to ask. Are you certain theres no medical problem influenceing her behavior? My grandmother had heart problems no one knew about for many years. It altered her behavior as it got worse.
     
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  5. Nervous Rex

    Nervous Rex High-functioning autistic V.I.P Member

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    Do whatever you need to protect yourself and your sanity and stability. As much as you can, choose the life you want, not the life that she thrust upon you. Do it enough and one day your life will be the same as if you had a different mother.
     
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  6. Nervous Rex

    Nervous Rex High-functioning autistic V.I.P Member

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    On a side note, that's an awesome avatar! I recognize it from an incredibly fun game (that I can't even remember the name of now :oops:).

    I played the heck out of it - I'm having a hard time remembering why I stopped playing it.

    I think it was on the Kindle - my kindle died and I switched to iPad. Maybe that's why.
     
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  7. Rebecca Merriam

    Rebecca Merriam Active Member

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    Thank you, I need to get in with a Therapist, its on a to do list
     
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  8. Rebecca Merriam

    Rebecca Merriam Active Member

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    The top part sounded like my dad, shes been diagnosed a hoarder and depression, ans Ive wondered if something else in the works, before she had cancer she was on hormone therapy and she was subject to intense mood swings, and when they took her off the hormones, she mellowed out, and since then shes been consistently mild manner bratty, if that makes sense, no longer screaming and breaking dishes but still narcissistic
     
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  9. Rebecca Merriam

    Rebecca Merriam Active Member

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    Thank you Its one of my hardest goals, but ill work towards it
     
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  10. Rebecca Merriam

    Rebecca Merriam Active Member

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    Was it possibly a doctor who game? Because its from the British TV show, but the "Daleks" often make guest appearances in otger things cuz they are so delightfully campy
     
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  11. Nervous Rex

    Nervous Rex High-functioning autistic V.I.P Member

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    It is. It was Dalek themed. It was basically like this game, but with better graphics and a few small rule changes: Daleks: The Game
     
  12. Rebecca Merriam

    Rebecca Merriam Active Member

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    Neat! Thanks for sharing!
     
  13. Wolf Prince

    Wolf Prince My future job title.

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    Exterminate!:)
     
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  14. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member

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    I have estranged myself from birth parent; in actual fact, she may be the one who had me in her belly etc, but that is all she did and I learned to unlove parents when I was 21.

    I concluded that if I followed what others were saying about it, that I would be in a mental hospital and so, for my own sanity, I have nothing to do with that old person. But, it comes with a cost, because of inteferring ones, who think that I am wrong and try to cause me mental anguish.

    It is COMPLETELY NATURAL that you should feel resentment and anger. Anyone who says: forgive and forget, have no idea what that means.

    To me, forgiving is accepting and giving the abusers a let out cause. No matter the reasoning I have been given on why I should forgive; it never touches me. Do it for yourself? Well, guess what? I am not forgiving and that is for myself, so there lol

    It is easier for me though, because I reside in another country from birth parent.
     
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  15. Gracey

    Gracey Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    my eldest brother completely cut his (our) mother out of his life.

    He has managed without her and gone on to do some great things.
    He's much more content with who he is without her around.

    I think all he ever wanted from her was acceptance.


    Once I stopped expecting my own mother to be anything other that what she is,
    I found I could settle.

    Get on with my own life on my terms with my own ideals and perspectives.
    If she wanted to be a part of my life,
    that was okay too.
    But I wasn't 13 anymore. I was a woman in my own right.
    (something she struggled to remember, often)

    Above is two examples of different experiences with the same mother.
    Both work.

    you'll never change her into something she isn't. :)
     
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  16. Creep

    Creep Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

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    Is she on the spectrum too?

    Sometimes it’s helpful & informative to try & understand how that person was raised.

    Then there’s my usual advice I give myself & others: practice remaining calm & continue advocating for yourself. If you need to go low contact or no contact, those are also options.

    Gray rock is a way to remain in contact with a toxic person as well. Google gray rock for more information if you are interested.

    Those of us with mother issues will be interested in your journey, so please keep us posted.
     
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  17. Rebecca Merriam

    Rebecca Merriam Active Member

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    She very well could be, she and I have very similar problems, and she was abused by her father who likely had ptsd, but she also expects others to always fix her problems, she has a sister who has a wealthy husband who bails her out whenever she has financial problems for example she bought a carshe knew she couldn't afford, and they just throw money at them. And what they dont know is shell turn around and complain about what a jerk he is and how they baby her.
    Im sure if she were to be evaluated some sort of social disorder would pop up, but I think mostly she never learned to be an adult because she waits for others to feel bad for her and help her. Recently she talked her neighbors in sharing their wifi, and apparently furniture and rides, since the car was repossessed... But shes not as helpless as she'll act. I imagine if she got diagnosed she'd use it like a crutch instead of learning from it... And that grey rock method might help, i feel like she already talks like that to me
     
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  18. Rebecca Merriam

    Rebecca Merriam Active Member

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    Sometimes I lean towards your brothers method, and sometimes i drift towards yours.
    Sometimes I have a fear that if I cut her out completely, next Thing I know she'll be dead, and ive lost, but either way I feel like I loose if shell want to be in my life, it will be on her...
     
  19. Rebecca Merriam

    Rebecca Merriam Active Member

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    Thank you, on another forum last year i had talked about my mother, and everyone made me seem like a complete jerk.
    I haven't decided yet if I'm cutting her out completely, but currently leaning that way
     
  20. Rebecca Merriam

    Rebecca Merriam Active Member

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    So update for anyone who's curious,
    I decided to try to talk with my mom about one of our many issues. Specifically her going months without answering her phone or turning it on, ane her response: shes not speaking to me.
    I actually don't know the extent of her not speaking with me, it might be short term, long term. But if I can't get her to talk about the simplest of our problems then we might as well be done. Like many of you said, I can't expect her to change, so I won't. Which means she's not really worth having in my life. So thank you everyone for your support.
     
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