Rebecca Merriam
Well-Known Member
Warning: this might be a rambling mess, I've been writing over the course of four days and I have hard time keeping thoughts tied to intense emotion organized.
my mother and I have an estranged relationship and she lives 15 minutes away. I would like to emphasize I was Never Abused and I know I'm lucky and I could of had it worse, but All the same my mother makes me insanely angry.
A lot growing up she told me anytime I had a frustrating emotion, I was told, reminded, and inforced that I'm not allowed to feel mad, especially at her, and unfortunately that's not a healthy way to cope with anger, and despite what my mom believed you can't deny an emotion. Unfortunately When I'm angry at a person I become obsessive about it. Now I've learned to let things go a little but that's a skill I'm working on and I can function with other adults who tick me off, but not my mother.
Some of my anger I feel is justified, she was neglectful, blamed all her problems on everyone else, and never takes responsibility for her mistakes. When my parents divorced, she'd take her child support and certainly didn't spend much on me. Everything was my dad's fault according to her. When they were together my mother didn't work, not because she wanted to be a stay at home mom, but because jobs are hard. My dad and others would set up interviews for her, and She'd read the job description, decided it was too difficult, and wouldn't even try. But my parents not having money, or going on nice trips, or nice restaurants, too her it was my dad's fault. The fact that we lost our house because we no longer could afford it, didn't register with her. It wasn't until divorce that she finally got a job, then all things going wrong were then my fault. And my dad gives my mother more credit then she'll give him.
One of the things that was really upsetting when I was a teen was she cut me off from one of my favorite relatives because when my mother was in remission for breast cancer, my aunt just found out she had cancer, and apparently tried talking to my mom about her feelings, and my mom stopped talking to her.
And I lost contact with family I loved for years, until I contacted her independently. The really sad thing she wants to get in contact with my mom and she doesn't understand what happened.
After I moved out on my own, for a while I moved to a new state, and I tried to be a good daughter, I would call each week, but my mother often would ignore my calls. If i couldn't get ahold of her I would try again another day, and another day and another day, and then wouldn't get through for a month or two. And she acted like everything is normal, like not talking to your daughter for months was normal
Growing up I watched her ignore calls from all sorts of family because she didn't feel like talking, but never thought she'd do it to me. Once when my dad had to go to the hospital, I need to get a hold of my mother and she ignored my call until I finally lost it and chewed her out in voice mail, to which she called back immediately and told me she was "in the shower" apparently that was a 6 hour shower.
I remember when I told her I was certain my husband and I were thinking of getting married, she wasn't really interested
Like I feel now that I'm adult and no longer a "cute little girl" she isn't interested in me any more. We've had her over a hand full of times, tried to watch stuff with her but every time she'll say what we are watching is weird. Or ask to borrow our laptop and do whatever, then leave. I've told her I would like to do family therapy, and she said that would be a good idea, and she set us up at her therapist, and then never heard about it again. I don't know what else to do or how to talk to her
my mother and I have an estranged relationship and she lives 15 minutes away. I would like to emphasize I was Never Abused and I know I'm lucky and I could of had it worse, but All the same my mother makes me insanely angry.
A lot growing up she told me anytime I had a frustrating emotion, I was told, reminded, and inforced that I'm not allowed to feel mad, especially at her, and unfortunately that's not a healthy way to cope with anger, and despite what my mom believed you can't deny an emotion. Unfortunately When I'm angry at a person I become obsessive about it. Now I've learned to let things go a little but that's a skill I'm working on and I can function with other adults who tick me off, but not my mother.
Some of my anger I feel is justified, she was neglectful, blamed all her problems on everyone else, and never takes responsibility for her mistakes. When my parents divorced, she'd take her child support and certainly didn't spend much on me. Everything was my dad's fault according to her. When they were together my mother didn't work, not because she wanted to be a stay at home mom, but because jobs are hard. My dad and others would set up interviews for her, and She'd read the job description, decided it was too difficult, and wouldn't even try. But my parents not having money, or going on nice trips, or nice restaurants, too her it was my dad's fault. The fact that we lost our house because we no longer could afford it, didn't register with her. It wasn't until divorce that she finally got a job, then all things going wrong were then my fault. And my dad gives my mother more credit then she'll give him.
One of the things that was really upsetting when I was a teen was she cut me off from one of my favorite relatives because when my mother was in remission for breast cancer, my aunt just found out she had cancer, and apparently tried talking to my mom about her feelings, and my mom stopped talking to her.
And I lost contact with family I loved for years, until I contacted her independently. The really sad thing she wants to get in contact with my mom and she doesn't understand what happened.
After I moved out on my own, for a while I moved to a new state, and I tried to be a good daughter, I would call each week, but my mother often would ignore my calls. If i couldn't get ahold of her I would try again another day, and another day and another day, and then wouldn't get through for a month or two. And she acted like everything is normal, like not talking to your daughter for months was normal
Growing up I watched her ignore calls from all sorts of family because she didn't feel like talking, but never thought she'd do it to me. Once when my dad had to go to the hospital, I need to get a hold of my mother and she ignored my call until I finally lost it and chewed her out in voice mail, to which she called back immediately and told me she was "in the shower" apparently that was a 6 hour shower.
I remember when I told her I was certain my husband and I were thinking of getting married, she wasn't really interested
Like I feel now that I'm adult and no longer a "cute little girl" she isn't interested in me any more. We've had her over a hand full of times, tried to watch stuff with her but every time she'll say what we are watching is weird. Or ask to borrow our laptop and do whatever, then leave. I've told her I would like to do family therapy, and she said that would be a good idea, and she set us up at her therapist, and then never heard about it again. I don't know what else to do or how to talk to her
).
