Levels of friendship

[PATILYN]

just had an uncomfortable and hurtful moment with my special friend. We are LDR. I got a FB notification to all his friends that he has marked himself “safe” in a storm that has hit his immediate area. I have not heard directly from him in the last couple of days as I usually do the care taking and make contact first. I am beyond hurt that 50 other people knew via FB that his area was considered a national disaster and I did not receive a personal message from him in advance to alert me to his situation. He is well aware of my feelings for him and that I love him very much. I would like to understand before I speak to him if this is something I should be taking personally ... because right now I do! And when I speak to him, should I let him know that I feel hurt and sad ... or will that not matter too much and that I should just ask him in the future to let me know personally about this type of thing.

 

[OkRad]

I hate that crap. I get it, too. It's like people YOU love and care about don't feel the same. You are not ranked where you rank them. Just another reason I try to stay away from people. Constant confusion

 

[Sherlock77]

I wouldn't worry too much, in an emergency situation things are often overlooked in the many decisions to be made... Also social media access can be limited sometimes in these situations...

 

[Keigan]

just had an uncomfortable and hurtful moment with my special friend. We are LDR. I got a FB notification to all his friends that he has marked himself “safe” in a storm that has hit his immediate area. I have not heard directly from him in the last couple of days as I usually do the care taking and make contact first. I am beyond hurt that 50 other people knew via FB that his area was considered a national disaster and I did not receive a personal message from him in advance to alert me to his situation. He is well aware of my feelings for him and that I love him very much. I would like to understand before I speak to him if this is something I should be taking personally ... because right now I do! And when I speak to him, should I let him know that I feel hurt and sad ... or will that not matter too much and that I should just ask him in the future to let me know personally about this type of thing.

Consider the possibility that your friend was consumed and busy taking care of things to reach out, until afterwards with the general message on FB.

How often do the two of you talk?

 

[PATILYN]

Consider the possibility that your friend was consumed and busy taking care of things to reach out, until afterwards with the general message on FB.

How often do the two of you talk?

I am the one who makes the contact. He follows my lead. It has always been this way. So I suppose nothing changed here! Lol! But we are "close friends" bordering on more and I felt disappointed to know that there had been any threat of disaster and I did not know it was coming and that in fact I found out everything ... including a state of emergency had been declared ... all in one post. I will have to assume that it was not personal at all. But it really stung.

 

[PATILYN]

I hate that crap. I get it, too. It's like people YOU love and care about don't feel the same. You are not ranked where you rank them. Just another reason I try to stay away from people. Constant confusion

This is exactly how I felt. Even though I am happy he is okay! That in a difficult situation he did not think to warn me ... his thoughts didnt include me in a special way. Only as a group. A group who does NOT keep in contact, message or Skype ever! It will be a whole lot of days until I feel better

 

[Keigan]

Why the disconnect between your expectations and your partners actions?

 

[OkRad]

This is exactly how I felt. Even though I am happy he is okay! That in a difficult situation he did not think to warn me ... his thoughts didnt include me in a special way. Only as a group. A group who does NOT keep in contact, message or Skype ever! It will be a whole lot of days until I feel better

I am in it right now, after more than a year. I feel like crap. People say it will pass. I went away fr 2 months. It did not pass. I am panicking.

There is a good line in the Iliad: "κλέπτε νόῳ," which means steal your thoughts/mind . I feel this person has stolen my thoughts/mind. I hate it.

 

[PATILYN]

Why the disconnect between your expectations and your partners actions?

I have never said anything. He admits to being very poor at initiating ... and keeping in touch. He makes appts to speak to his parents ... but I have not asked for that type of arrangement

 

[PATILYN]

And I rather thought that since he feels about me as I do about him that he would make me a priority?

 

[Keigan]

And I rather thought that since he feels about me as I do about him that he would make me a priority?

That is you placing your expectations upon him.

Though I would agree that if a relationship is important to an individual, that the communications around the relationship would have importance also.

Try this - “I really like it when you ... (do/say something positive and constructive towards the relationship)”

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

The Buddha had a story about a man shot with an arrow.
People were arguing about how the arrow was made.
Whearas the buddha said just to pull it out.

It seems like you may have some bad relationship habits (we all do)

1. Glad he was okay - that part was almost invisible.
2. Probably because he was okay.

3. Then - hes not communicating as i would've done
4. Placing some sort of blame, hed done nothing wrong.

The alternative is - why didnt he tell me? You blame him,then find out he isnt okay.
Then you feel guilty.

This is your drama circle, understand it and a lot of your life will be easier.

The answer lies within. A lifetimes journey that we all fall and stumble around.

 

[Streetwise]

just had an uncomfortable and hurtful moment with my special friend. We are LDR. I got a FB notification to all his friends that he has marked himself “safe” in a storm that has hit his immediate area. I have not heard directly from him in the last couple of days as I usually do the care taking and make contact first. I am beyond hurt that 50 other people knew via FB that his area was considered a national disaster and I did not receive a personal message from him in advance to alert me to his situation. He is well aware of my feelings for him and that I love him very much. I would like to understand before I speak to him if this is something I should be taking personally ... because right now I do! And when I speak to him, should I let him know that I feel hurt and sad ... or will that not matter too much and that I should just ask him in the future to let me know personally about this type of thing.

All I can think is he went to his default, which must be Facebook -if he was really stressed ,he's trying to move as fast as possible and that's what his logic -commanded by anxiety does !as his logic at the time is focused on preparing him for moving quickly, not on profound thought Or less profound thought.
What you have to understand is neurologically people on the autism spectrum are wired for logic whereas people who are neuro typical are wired to a much smaller degree for logic.
So even if I have an anxiety attack I still rely on logic much more than someone who is neuro typical

 

[dragoncat16]

Do you know for sure that 50 other people knew that his area was in danger beforehand, or are you just assuming that from his message from afterwards that he was safe? It could have been that his internet was out and he couldn't tell anyone about the storm until afterwards. I can tell you from personal experience that communication is often the first thing to go in an emergency situation. When you know there is a bad storm coming, updating your Facebook status or sending out personal messages is not the first thing on your mind.

If he did neglect to contact you, don't take it too personally. Give him a chance to tell you what happened.

 

[PATILYN]

In my attempts to be the best I can and to have the right level of expectations, I have tried to follow a forum of partners and family members of people with aspergers. I am so disheartened and sad for everyone's stories that I read there. I am advised that I should walk away from any hopes of a relationship because it will be riddled with lack of love and reciprocity. I am so sad. I feel that my friend really has expressed his affection for me and confirmed it. The members of another group are suggesting that he is only fulfilling what society expects him to say in the circumstances, and that no real feelings accompanied any of his responses to me. My goodness, I was tormented on everyone's behalf. Please forgive me if anyone who reads this has experienced this and feels offended. I ask because you can help me with understanding expressions of love and affection. As a NT, my expressions might be different, my expectations might be different, my language is different ...but my love is the same ... many thanks.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

In my attempts to be the best I can and to have the right level of expectations, I have tried to follow a forum of partners and family members of people with aspergers. I am so disheartened and sad for everyone's stories that I read there. I am advised that I should walk away from any hopes of a relationship because it will be riddled with lack of love and reciprocity. I am so sad. I feel that my friend really has expressed his affection for me and confirmed it. The members of another group are suggesting that he is only fulfilling what society expects him to say in the circumstances, and that no real feelings accompanied any of his responses to me. My goodness, I was tormented on everyone's behalf. Please forgive me if anyone who reads this has experienced this and feels offended. I ask because you can help me with understanding expressions of love and affection. As a NT, my expressions might be different, my expectations might be different, my language is different ...but my love is the same ... many thanks.

Sounds like the other forum was filled with idiots imo.
You should ask some NTs on here who have succesful relationships.

Maybe your own insight is more important tha what they're saying.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Agree with Fridgemagnetman- stop listening to the doomsayers. Doesn't sound like they understand ASD anyway. Suspect that you have the usual NT priorities (I'm NT also) while his may be different. Maybe a discussion to clarify both your priorities?
I know my (suspected ASD) friend rarely responds like I'd expect an NT would, but I love him anyway. I think he loves me too, just expresses it differently than I do. But he keeps staying with me and coming back for more, so to speak, so I figure I must be doing something right or he'd be long gone. Perhaps you should specifically request he alert you in the future if possible since he is so special to you.

 

[Keigan]

In my attempts to be the best I can and to have the right level of expectations, I have tried to follow a forum of partners and family members of people with aspergers. I am so disheartened and sad for everyone's stories that I read there. I am advised that I should walk away from any hopes of a relationship because it will be riddled with lack of love and reciprocity. I am so sad. I feel that my friend really has expressed his affection for me and confirmed it. The members of another group are suggesting that he is only fulfilling what society expects him to say in the circumstances, and that no real feelings accompanied any of his responses to me. My goodness, I was tormented on everyone's behalf. Please forgive me if anyone who reads this has experienced this and feels offended. I ask because you can help me with understanding expressions of love and affection. As a NT, my expressions might be different, my expectations might be different, my language is different ...but my love is the same ... many thanks.

Everyone’s expression is different, that is a good starting point. From there, it is a matter of conversation and agreement between you and your partner.

Unspoken expectations don’t work with most people on the spectrum, we do better with literal definitions.

 

[Keigan]

I ask because you can help me with understanding expressions of love and affection. As a NT, my expressions might be different, my expectations might be different, my language is different ...but my love is the same ... many thanks.

Everyone has varying levels of emotions and empathy. I’m on the extreme and of empathic, as in almost none - i’m Alexithymic.

For myself, love is a decision towards the allocation of time and energy towards another individual, making myself available and caring for another. My expression is through actions. In my entire life of 54 years I have one emotional connection with another.

Yes, i’ve Even told that I am un-feeling, cold hearted, indifferent and many other things. Yet I still care, just not with the same expression as others.

 

[Sabrina]

I’ll leave this pic of me, like one that I took of you, when we were talking that night when you were at the hotel and I was at the hospital. You had your head lying on the pillow, so this one is the same .