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Letting myself Go (in a good way)

D'Andre

Well-Known Member
Elsa was right...i had to let it go. for years (I believe) I was stiffling and masking without knowing it. My mother (who i believe had a suspicion i had something) gave me the best life she could and i still don't know how my symptoms slipped through the cracks. a therapist, after i'd experienced a trauma, said he believed i had ocd. i personally think he saw high functioning autism but either misread it, or maybe even told my mom, and she got the 2 mixed up when she told me years later. so in this regard, childhood was a mixture of whimsy, major naivete, and just plain confusion. I was always unsure what to say, how to act, what people meant, and what was even real. you ever dream you saw a movie and come to find out it never existed? there were many, i'll admit, cool things like that.

as i entered high school age, my quirkiness met much less tolerant faces so i had to either figure out a way to blend in, or be to myself. the latter was the easiest but not always optional. So i found solice with my imagination. id think of being comforted constantly, and intense impulse to touch people (platonically), about somebody calling me out of class to take me to to the zoo (mom actually did stuff like that too). I imagined my father being around and offering that deep touch (hugs, massages, play fight). I became very unsatisfied with reality. I also felt undesireable to my favorite people. It was easier to be "fans of aquaintences" then to build friendships... i didn't belong here. much of my conversations included lines from movies so small talk was at best tolerable hehe.

not gonna say i didn't have fun. i had great times, i was just very out of touch with myself and relating to people. fast forward to adulthood and the workforce. again, got by, but boy oh boy, my masking was getting harder and harder. ended up diagnosed with ocd, ptsd, and major depression with anxiety. I have rituals and at night (because i was not sure why i was rocking, and hitting myself, and having heightened senses) i became very hysterical and melted down alone in my room. and yes, some meltdowns were around others.

I didn't realise one thing....."let it go" i didn't know that rocking, pacing, not relating,being uninterested, focusing on my particular interests, bring piles of notebooks to picnics, having sensitivity feeling myself talk (which im still not sure where that comes from..i'll have to ask) etc....is ok! went to the er more times this past 6 monthes than my entire lifetime because of stress and anxiety. but i decided to let it go. so i rock on the bus if i need to. i pace, i enjoy the patterns everywhere i go, i do not ask for permission to. It's my life. the life God gave me and whether it has to do with Autism or not....i'm the happiest i've ever been because i let myself be. I just wanted to share that. it's just my experience, i don't claim to have answers or that all this is ads related. i learned how beautiful "different" can be. i love this forum so much. sorry for being so longwinded...
 

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