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Letting a friend go - help please

Discussion in 'Help and Support' started by Lydia_bc, May 27, 2021.

  1. Lydia_bc

    Lydia_bc New Member

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    Prefacing this by saying I know I sound like a jerk, but I can’t help that I just don’t want friends. My husband and immediate family are sufficient. I’m hoping I can get some advice here on an issue I’ve been having for years. I have no idea how to not be friends with someone anymore. Normally I stop talking to people and they just eventually disappear/stop reaching out, but not this person. I hate feeling like I’m being mean, and confrontation fills me with anxiety. I just don’t know what to say other than to ignore their messages.

    I deactivated my messenger account so now this person is messaging my husband who is also not responding to them - he says that’s how he has dropped friends in the past, by just not responding.

    They want to come over. I do not want anyone over, ever. I feel bad, but I don’t know what else to do to make them not want to be friends with me. Please don’t yell at me for being mean, I really don’t know how to do this and I’m tired of pretending that I want to get together in any fashion.
     
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  2. SimonSays

    SimonSays Time is an illusion I seem to have a lot of V.I.P Member

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    Stop pretending.

    Your usual method would usually work, but clearly not in all cases.

    If you struggle with the idea of writing a short note to say that you would prefer it if they stop contacting you, then it's important you don't make up excuses that aren't true. So, they want to come over? You say you don't want that as it's not a good idea. Any time they suggest any contact, you're simply not available, because you are not wanting contact with them, so you never have to agree to have contact with them.

    So never being available to see them, and never responding to their messages, they will eventually get the message. And if they don't, you can always send that short note asking them to stop contacting you.
     
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  3. Skittlebisquit

    Skittlebisquit Keep trying to be as amazing as you really are

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    No one is going to be mean to you here, it's not that kind of place.

    Uhmm

    I think I would write a letter? I don't approve of ghosting as a matter of policy. But see that's MY policy, for my behavior. I would do email

    Your friend is likely worried about you, or just needy themselves. I think maybe an email, you can practice it here

    Dear mr. sloppy,
    I can't be your friend anymore, it's not me it's you.

    Well not really like that but kinda

    I have phone friends, and a few texting friends, and that's all they are, we don't meet up.

    I stopped being friends with someone this last year. It was a long friendship, but she is a really negative person, and I hate that. So check this out.
    If I am being someone's puke bucket, they will feel better for having called me and dumped all their toxic crap. It's like cheap counseling. It doesn't help her though, not really. See with her there is always more evil awaiting discovery. What if by vomiting out all her toxic emo whining poor me nonsense that does make both
    Her feel better
    Me feel worse
    See some people need alot more than you can do for them. Some ppl really can make you sick.

    When you call me up, I want to hear something happy, or kind or something that you did that was awesome. I'm not a counselor by trade. When I call you up to chat I'm goin to read you something fun, tell you about something I did, ask your opinion about something. I try very hard to be positive and supportive I think it's an important character trait.

    It's often a boundary issue, this thing about friends
    Wow that was all ramble and weird sorry. Trust your instincts
     
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  4. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    The person sounds like they have issues, to be so slow to take a hint. Personally, in order to stop the unwanted contact which to me would feel like harassment if they contacted someone else to get to me, I would ask them to stop contacting me.

    I would say I am really sorry but I don't have time to socialise and that's not going to change, please stop asking me to, and please don't contact others about me as I find this invasive and inappropriate.
     
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  5. 1ForAll

    1ForAll Active Member

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    Tell them the truth, but in a nicer way. "I am sorry I am not acting friendly lately, but I am getting stressed out with contacts with everyone these days, except for family, and I do not know why. I need to step away and see if contacts with only family will make me feel better. I hope you and everyone else I talked to regularly will understand, that I need to do this for myself. I will be wishing you all the best."
     
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  6. Juliettaa

    Juliettaa Black Sheep. Society of One. V.I.P Member

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    Perfect response :)

    Not confrontational. No nasty undertone. Just 'I need time for me'. And really, it's okay to feel this way. You obviously have your reasons OP. You just need to take stock of your limitations and be kind - to yourself!!!
     
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  7. watersprite

    watersprite inadvertent vagabond V.I.P Member

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    Once you find a way to get the person out of your head, then the situation will fade into the past.

    Phones and most apps can block people’s numbers. Then you & your husband won’t have to see the person’s messages anymore.

    Aside from this practical stuff, I suggest having compassion for them as they sound quite lonely and troubled. Not suggesting you communicate it to them - just in your thoughts is all.
     
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  8. OkRad

    OkRad μῆνιν ἄειδε θεὰ Πηληϊάδεω Ἀχιλῆος οὐλομένην V.I.P Member

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    There is a girl I had hoped to be friends with and she always played that dance with me. So this is from the other sides. It is like a dance. She would answer enough to pretend not to be mean but I was not getting it because she was not being direct. Always excuses and long spaces in between.

    It was being on here that helped me to see OHHH, that behaviour is just euphemistic for "Go The Hell Away!" The most she ever said was that she felt disconnected, but never SAID she did not want to know me anymore, but it was her non-verbals. Thank you to friends here for helping me get through that. It still hurts but it won't forever.

    I would have really appreciated her saying something like, "Look, I have a lot going on right now and I will not be able to engage in this friendship. It will not be fair to you or me or my husband. So I am asking for space here. It is not your fault and I have enjoyed getting to know you. Take care."

    Let her know it is not her, but you. That may be a lie, but you do not want a stalker. I never stalked, to be clear! It was just the mental confusion of, "Am I a friend or no?"

    It was very painful.
     
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  9. unperson

    unperson Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I got sick of 'friends' who use me as unpaid listening post/counsellor, I will never get all the time back I spent patiently listening to their complaints about their boyfriend/husband ugh, I don't ever want to hear about that stuff again.
     
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