Left out at work >:(

[Whattup]

So, I have a lot of coworkers who are civil and even friendly to me. But something has happened more than once; they talk about their plans that they have all made together, and they do not include me ever. Such as today, one guy invited two people to his birthday right in front of me. We are all in the same department!
And then a woman who is going to have a baby soon did the same thing with her baby shower! Invited people in our department to it and just totally overlooked me. They were talking about what they would do and how it would go right in front of me.
Our department has 13 people total. It's not huge.
This has happened with lunch plans where almost the whole department orders Chinese together, and no one asks me or even acknowledges me.

It just hurts. I know people can tell I'm different more than I know they can.

Who else goes through this as an Aspie, or even as a NT?

 

[NTgirl4276]

This is OUTRAGEOUSLY rude.

I've been in workplace environments in which the coworkers divided themselves up into little cliques, and sometimes those divisions were understood, but no one has EVER breached the generally understood social rule about openly discussing plans/events from which people are excluded.

I am so sorry to hear that this is happening. I can imagine how painful this is; I've had "friends" that constantly would talk about their "inside jokes" in front of me, which is a less explicit exclusion but exclusion nonetheless, and that already feels terrible.

Has this always been the case?? If so, UGH THEY ARE AWFUL and likely know exactly how mean they are being. If they have been doing this consistently, this may be an HR issue (aka workplace discrimination, particularly the exclusion that happens in the workplace itself, not necessarily the outside events) for your ombudsperson.

This is such an egregious social error that my mind is trying so hard to find any possible reason that could, on some earthly planet, justify this. Have they ever extended an invitation to you, perhaps earlier on in your workplace relationship? Might there be any reason that they might think you actively do not want to interact with them? (I only ask because sometimes my buddies and I will naturally lapse into talking about something we did together in front of other coworkers, but only because 1) everyone knows we're best friends and hang out all the time and 2) because some people have consistently opted not to hang with us--not in a malicious way, but more so because of impossible logistics, or different interests.

 

[watersprite]

- NTgirl had a nice response. This kind of thing happens to me too, Whattup. Over the years I've just withdrawn away from noticing so that I don't expect anything. Most social interactions happen allright at first for me, and then quickly dwindle away into the ignoring behavior you described. I wish I had solutions but all I can offer is that: you are not alone in this.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I've had this happen to me so many times...it's like I'm invisible.

My roommate and suitemates did this to me one time not long after we started college. We had done everything together for the first couple of weeks, even walking to the cafeteria together for meals. Then one Friday night they all start taking showers and getting all fixed up and giggling together, and I had no clue what was going on. Finally I asked what the big deal was, and they said they were going to a party. I was never informed of this party, and apparently not invited. They just happily walked out and had a big evening together. Me? I went for a walk on the walking trail on campus and bawled my eyes out, heaving from the weight of it all.

Kestrel's right...you're not the only one. I think, with most people, they wouldn't do this to each other. But there must be something written across my forehead that warns people off and makes them think I don't have feelings and don't feel loneliness. It's really like they just don't even see me as a person sometimes.

 

[pax]

O Yeah.

It's worse at my current job - partly because of my role, ( I've heard similar stories from people in similar roles) but partly just because of the nature of the workplace.

 

[Progster]

Story of my life - you're not the only one. First at school, then at work, and even now. As NTgirls says, it's extremely rude, and it hurts. It's a form of bullying, in my opinion, it's degrading.

Even if they invite you out, they can still exclude you. Recently, I suggested to my partner that we go out for a meal. I meant just the two of us, but then my husband invited another couple along. It was not what I had in mind, but I agreed. My husband and this couple are members of an amateur drama club, which I don't belong to. The whole time they talked about the club, mainly gossip and club politics, and completely ignored me. I was very angry, especially as I was the one who had suggested going out. I had wanted to have a good time, but I didn't, it sucked. I got up, asked for the car keys and left. When they asked why I was leaving early, I told them the exact reason why.

 

[NTgirl4276]

When they asked why I was leaving early, I told them the exact reason why.

Good for you, Progster!!!!! I firmly support calling people out for their passive aggressive bullying!

I sadly think that many people, in their fear of becoming excluded, rush to the opposite end and become excluders. I feel like groups always have one or a few persons they like to dislike/leave out/make fun of/etc., and it makes the members of that group feel a little better. The excluding reaffirms their insecure belonging.

 

[yesithinkso]

Not that I've never felt excluded, but it's also possible that we give off a "don't bother me" vibe and people just think you don't want to join them.

That said, I recently discovered there's some real passive aggressive bullying at my workplace (victim not me) and it occurred to me if, maybe, just like in high school, people who otherwise would've been OK with being friends with us are avoiding any association with us. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.

 

[red_dog]

I am in a workplace with 2 other employees, both of whom have worked together at the workplace for several years, and have lived and socialised in the small town we live in for several years prior to this. I am new to the workplace & town this year - so often feel excluded. To some extent it is understandable as I don't share their history, but it still hurts. Although they are NTs - they have both grown up in small towns where they know everyone & I don't think either is that confident with talking with people they don't know that well, so hide their discomfort by excluding them.

 

[wanderer03]

So, I have a lot of coworkers who are civil and even friendly to me. But something has happened more than once; they talk about their plans that they have all made together, and they do not include me ever. Such as today, one guy invited two people to his birthday right in front of me. We are all in the same department!
And then a woman who is going to have a baby soon did the same thing with her baby shower! Invited people in our department to it and just totally overlooked me. They were talking about what they would do and how it would go right in front of me.
Our department has 13 people total. It's not huge.
This has happened with lunch plans where almost the whole department orders Chinese together, and no one asks me or even acknowledges me.

It just hurts. I know people can tell I'm different more than I know they can.

Who else goes through this as an Aspie, or even as a NT?

I'm on the spectrum and this happens to me all of the time. I'm sorry as it is hurtful but try to look at it from another angle: you may not want your circle of friends to be your co-workers. I definitely like a solid separation of personal and professional lives. Too often, they've mixed and I've had disasterous results. I've found when I've opened up to co-workers as I would a friend, that my earnest and frankness was exploited to get ahead. This doesn't take away the hurt and it's difficult being different and the odd person out.

The next time they go out (say after work) and they're in ear shot of you, you might simply say, "Hey. Can I tag along? I could use the fresh air. First round of beer is on me." This sounds congenial, non-confrontational and is effective. I learned this technique from watching a new NT in the workplace. They readily encouraged him to come along. I had to teach myself social skills so, for better or worse, they're okay.

 

[Kari Suttle]

So, I have a lot of coworkers who are civil and even friendly to me. But something has happened more than once; they talk about their plans that they have all made together, and they do not include me ever. Such as today, one guy invited two people to his birthday right in front of me. We are all in the same department!
And then a woman who is going to have a baby soon did the same thing with her baby shower! Invited people in our department to it and just totally overlooked me. They were talking about what they would do and how it would go right in front of me.
Our department has 13 people total. It's not huge.
This has happened with lunch plans where almost the whole department orders Chinese together, and no one asks me or even acknowledges me.

It just hurts. I know people can tell I'm different more than I know they can.

Who else goes through this as an Aspie, or even as a NT?

I work part time as a cashier at walmart to help pay for school so i know what that's like. It seems like everbody else is friends with one or two coworkers at least, some of them actual friends not just work friends. And the supervisors will even strike up conversations with and laugh with some of the other cashiers and im always left out of it. At first when i was new people would always be friendly and nice and say hi and try to talk to me but i think i just somehow blew it every time not knowing how or why cause that faded quick. Pretty soon all i get is a hello or two and that's it.

Believe it or not the highlight of my day at work tends to be if one of the two people that will acknowledge my existence acknowledges me and talks to me a bit. Even a simple hello, a joke that fails to process on my end, small talk regarding what part of the shift we're on...its way better than simply being ignored. Somehow i might act like i want to be ignored, idk how....i mean i only avoid looking at people if i'm nervous and i only don't answer if i have no clue how to respond like if someone's trying to joke around with me or such. But being ignored is the worst, i've been ignored by peers my whole life. My biggest fear is that i'll graduate school, get a good job i like that pays well enough, and come home to an empty house with no missed calls or texts and only a cat or three for company. Everyone always says no you won't be alone you'll find someone or you'll make friends but those people evidently aren't aspies and aren't close to one. I've never dated and i've never had more than one or two close friends neither of which i talk to anymore. Only an aspie can understand the profoundness of the loneliness of the life of an aspie.

 

[Judge]

Much of my life I've felt that I've been "socially bypassed" by most people within my orbit. At work or at home. I can only say that I've felt that people tend to make very quick judgments and impressions of me which has usually been to my detriment. Quite often I just don't project enough of myself to be initially "inviting" I suppose.

People I bond with are ultimately those who make an effort beyond those snap judgments and initial impressions. However again in my own case I've only been aware of being on the spectrum a little less than three years.

Yes, it can be a very tough existence socially speaking.