Lacking identity

[Daniel Dutton]

Does anybody struggle with a sense of self identiy? I don't seem to know myself. I don't know what I stand for as a person. I struggle to identify with a set of core beliefs and values, and if I do have any, they are usually fleeting. they shift and change all the time, or they are just not there at all. I don't know what my purpose is. Sometimes I have to take a good long hard look at myself in the mirror. I look and I try to find this missing sense of identity. Without it it just feels like I'm coasting through life with no meaning and that I'm just a small piece afloat, lost in a big world. It's very deep and very confusing but it's missing. I don't know who I am, and without that I don't know why I'm here. Is this common or am I going mad?

 

[Christy]

I can identify with this Daniel. I was brought up in a particularly controlling environment where I was told who I was meant to be. When I left that place, I had no clue as to what values or identity were mine and what had been thrust upon me. It made me feel extremely lost and it did make me vulnerable.

I found it easier to answer the question of who I'm not. This then narrowed the field for me to decide who I did want to be.

 

[King_Oni]

I found it easier to answer the question of who I'm not. This then narrowed the field for me to decide who I did want to be.

That surely makes it easier

I guess my main issue with identity is that even if you figure out your values it doesn't always mean that the world is totally fine with it. I've had my share of issues in life that made me feel I've found parts of who I am and what my identity is, only to be rejected, not by friends but by society in general.

My personal beliefs and values don't correspond to how the world functions so it seems and that by itself makes it a lot harder than fine tuning, something I always feel the majority of the people do.

 

[Ereth]

I've gone through periods like this too, so you're definitely not mad. It's actually a healthy thing, I think. If we don't have moments where we figure out who we are and what we believe in, we risk blindly accepting things as they are---and in most cases that's not a good thing. Everyone can always strive to be a better person and do good in the world, but that can't happen if we don't ask questions.

 

[Peace]

I have had a complete questioning of who I am and who I want to be. A sudden stop of life as I know it, and a reboot. It sounds as though you have had them more frequently than I, but so what?
"You Have The Rest Of Your Life To Figure It Out, Enjoy The Ride"

 

[grommet]

Most of what you said is how I have felt and lived. A few years ago I met a wonderful woman and loving her I felt a purpose. She didn't give that purpose to me, it was realizing that I was capable of feeling so much so strongly and sharing it with some one. We are no longer together but until I was with her, I didn't feel a purpose in my life. Maybe as aspies we feel a little not human and being able to touch such strong and true feelings made me feel human. I think that's it. After four years, she left me two weeks three days ago. It's been very hard but, I had a gift. Without the time I had with her I would never have known part of myself.

I wish you the best but at least for now I can say that you are not alone.

Does anybody struggle with a sense of self identiy? I don't seem to know myself. I don't know what I stand for as a person. I struggle to identify with a set of core beliefs and values, and if I do have any, they are usually fleeting. they shift and change all the time, or they are just not there at all. I don't know what my purpose is. Sometimes I have to take a good long hard look at myself in the mirror. I look and I try to find this missing sense of identity. Without it it just feels like I'm coasting through life with no meaning and that I'm just a small piece afloat, lost in a big world. It's very deep and very confusing but it's missing. I don't know who I am, and without that I don't know why I'm here. Is this common or am I going mad?

o

 

[gregmcph]

I think I have decided not to try and position myself into the rest of the world.
The rest of the world doesn't care who I am and what I want.

Once free of that, you can just... be. Relax. Enjoy what you enjoy. Care about who and what is near you. And let the rest of the planet indulge in it's own madness and horribleness.

Why are you here? You just are here. That's all.

 

[Daniel Dutton]

Well thanks everyone for the replies. There are some very insightful comments there and it is good to know it's not just me who feels this way. I'll keep on searching

 

[Mattymatt]

Does anybody struggle with a sense of self identiy? I don't seem to know myself. I don't know what I stand for as a person. I struggle to identify with a set of core beliefs and values, and if I do have any, they are usually fleeting. they shift and change all the time, or they are just not there at all. I don't know what my purpose is. Sometimes I have to take a good long hard look at myself in the mirror. I look and I try to find this missing sense of identity. Without it it just feels like I'm coasting through life with no meaning and that I'm just a small piece afloat, lost in a big world. It's very deep and very confusing but it's missing. I don't know who I am, and without that I don't know why I'm here. Is this common or am I going mad?

Someone once observed that we spend entirely too much of our lives trying to find meaning out of something that doesn't necessarily have to have meaning ... lives just exist. The less time I try and find a meaning for where I'm at, the better I feel.

I do often feel like a ghost floating through life, almost as an observer and less of a participant. Sometimes I feel as if I live on the fringe of society. I have to often remind myself that these are feelings and not necessarily reality, although to some degree, they become a version of our reality. I have to remind myself that my feelings are simply the way I have chosen to interpret life's information. Let me say this is vastly easier said than done.

Does anyone else have a constant voice in their head reciting all of the negatives?

 

[Harrison]

I do often feel like a ghost floating through life, almost as an observer and less of a participant. Sometimes I feel as if I live on the fringe of society.

This is the part of my life I have enjoyed the most, the sense of not being part of it, yet being able to dip in when I felt like it. I see so much of NT life that I dislike that it is a relief to step away.

I live my life day by day and have become quite good at not looking back or planning ahead. Over the years my life would change drastically in the blink of an eye so I saw no value in making plans. Now I deal with each moment as it arises, which gives me a greater control as I'm not sidetracked by 'what ifs'.

 

[Mattymatt]

This is the part of my life I have enjoyed the most, the sense of not being part of it, yet being able to dip in when I felt like it. I see so much of NT life that I dislike that it is a relief to step away.

I live my life day by day and have become quite good at not looking back or planning ahead. Over the years my life would change drastically in the blink of an eye so I saw no value in making plans. Now I deal with each moment as it arises, which gives me a greater control as I'm not sidetracked by 'what ifs'.

Thank you for sharing this. It seems that maybe I have the wrong attitude. I've always felt sad about living on the fringe or feeling ghost-like. Perhaps there is a good lesson for me to begin living in the moment.

I don't know for how much longer I can keep starting over in my professional life so maybe living in the moment will be stress relieving.

 

[Harrison]

“Self identity” is something with which I have struggled my entire life. The environment in which I grew up did not allow me to develop an identity of my own. When my folks were together, I was forced to be one way. When they split up, I was forced into another way. That became a challenge when I got into junior high and high school where identity is a big thing. I have gone through life as a chameleon.

Now, at 54 years of age, I am still struggling with it. There are questions about my paternity, heritage, everything. What I have been told my entire life seems to have been nothing but elaborate lies to protect the reputations of the guilty.

I was somewhat different, I forced my identity as an individual upon those around me. I had no interest in my family identity or my historical background as I truly believed I didn't belong here. I adopted 'I am that I am' and made it my own.

At 17 I walked away from my 'family', changed my name a few times as I moved from place to place, but learnt that what I perceived myself to be now was more important than what came before. In that sense we share the 'chameleon' aspect. When my parents died I retook my birth name and since then this is who I am.

Shakespeare summed it up when he wrote, 'All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.'

None of that is to belittle your sense of loss of identity, we each have our own 'way' in life.

I remember a zen teacher telling somone that 'it is very hard to sail your boat when the anchor is dragging on the seabed'.

In my eyes being born to my parents was pure luck, as was the 'history', country and race I was born into, whereas 'who I am' comes from treading my own path and making my own choices.

Do you mind me asking why it is important to you?

 

[Mattymatt]

“Self identity” is something with which I have struggled my entire life. The environment in which I grew up did not allow me to develop an identity of my own. When my folks were together, I was forced to be one way. When they split up, I was forced into another way. That became a challenge when I got into junior high and high school where identity is a big thing. I have gone through life as a chameleon.

Now, at 54 years of age, I am still struggling with it. There are questions about my paternity, heritage, everything. What I have been told my entire life seems to have been nothing but elaborate lies to protect the reputations of the guilty.

I thought I knew myself, I thought I had some self identity. It wasn't until my first ever girlfriend came along that I realized that I have nary a clue. I've been living one big lie. Harrison54 had some solid advice for me about living in the moment. I wonder if this would negate the entire need for "self identity."

 

[Harrison]

I thought I knew myself, I thought I had some self identity. It wasn't until my first ever girlfriend came along that I realized that I have nary a clue. I've been living one big lie. Harrison54 had some solid advice for me about living in the moment. I wonder if this would negate the entire need for "self identity."

The idea that you exist creates your identity, it comes from your experiences rather than that which is inherited. You are the only person that can 'know' your life, you walk through it as an explorer and the only footprints are those of your passing. For every person the next moment is unknown until experienced and it is not really for us to say 'this is who I am', that comes from others perceiving our path and saying 'this is who you are'. When we make their view of us 'important' we stop serving our own needs and begin serving theirs.

I love being outdoors because everything is in the moment, nature does not try to be something 'else', it is what it is and its greatness is born from that. The rose may strive (through evolution) to be a better rose, or the oak a better oak, but the rose doesn't try to be an oak. Only humans seem to spend their time in the wasted pursuit of what they cannot be, failing to see what they truly are.

So, Sportster, why is it important to you

 

[Adamantium]

I have often thought about this. I have some difficulty understanding my own emotions, which complicates things, but I am naturally not a person who identifies with groups, so those sorts of identity seem bogus to me.

What I have that is fairly constant is a basic set of ethical impulses and values. People should try to be fair, the golden rule, etc., and a general sense that knowledge and learning are intrinsically good and valuable.

Beyond that I often feel very diffuse and ill-defined, but that's OK because I have thought my way through to a meta-identity as a process rather than a point or location on an identity map.

Thinking of myself as a process, I develop through time and am inherently contextual. I am aware of the power of situational variables in my behavior. I don't see this as inconsistent, despite a widely held view that an "authentic" self is somehow unchanging.

In fact, I see that everyone has contextually dependent responses and is powerfully influenced by situational factors. People who cling to inflexible self-concepts then experience severe cognitive dissonance when the situation requires behavior that they consider to be out-of-character.

Operating with this contingent, situational, process and development oriented meta-identity is somewhat liberating. If you frame your interactions with this perspective, you just don't have to worry about the question anymore. What you are has everything to do with where and when you are and what you are trying to do.

 

[zurb]

Some of us thought we had a self identity already, but then discovered aspergers later in life. Suddenly the old identity is lost. We're not who we thought we were or hoped to be. It feels like our old identity was simply 'pretending to be normal'. But now we don't know who we are. I believe its natural to go through a mourning process before finding a new identity.

Maybe part of the struggling for identity comes from the Western individualistic way of thinking. In much of Asia, identity is linked to community.

 

[Harrison]

I have often thought about this. I have some difficulty understanding my own emotions, which complicates things, but I am naturally not a person who identifies with groups, so those sorts of identity seem bogus to me.

What I have that is fairly constant is a basic set of ethical impulses and values. People should try to be fair, the golden rule, etc., and a general sense that knowledge and learning are intrinsically good and valuable.

Beyond that I often feel very diffuse and ill-defined, but that's OK because I have thought my way through to a meta-identity as a process rather than a point or location on an identity map.

Thinking of myself as a process, I develop through time and am inherently contextual. I am aware of the power of situational variables in my behavior. I don't see this as inconsistent, despite a widely held view that an "authentic" self is somehow unchanging.

In fact, I see that everyone has contextually dependent responses and is powerfully influenced by situational factors. People who cling to inflexible self-concepts then experience severe cognitive dissonance when the situation requires behavior that they consider to be out-of-character.

Operating with this contingent, situational, process and development oriented meta-identity is somewhat liberating. If you frame your interactions with this perspective, you just don't have to worry about the question anymore. What you are has everything to do with where and when you are and what you are trying to do.

Eloquently and precisely put, thank you

Some of us thought we had a self identity already, but then discovered aspergers later in life. Suddenly the old identity is lost. We're not who we thought we were or hoped to be. It feels like our old identity was simply 'pretending to be normal'. But now we don't know who we are. I believe its natural to go through a mourning process before finding a new identity.

Maybe part of the struggling for identity comes from the Western individualistic way of thinking. In much of Asia, identity is linked to community.

I can see that could present a problem.

I was diagnosed late in life but already had my mindset in place for many years. So, when I learnt I was an aspie it was more 'well that explains a lot' and actually served to reinforce my identity.

 

[Turk]

Identity is something I have been chasing for a long time, but I do have an understanding of where it went. When I was growing up, there was no Aspergers diagnosis. I began to notice that people saw me differently, and it drew too much attention. Over time I became a little piece of everyone I met, never letting anyone get close enough to notice. I became very good at it, and it is why I succeeded so well in my career. My personality and behaviour shifts with the company I'm with.
The down side is, you trade everything you were to achieve, not being noticed. When your the only one in the room, and there's no one to mirror, you feel a sense of identity crisis. I may have achieved much during my life, but the process fractured my identity. I'm not sure at this stage, if there is a way of getting it back.

 

[Harrison]

When your the only one in the room, and there's no one to mirror, you feel a sense of identity crisis. I may have achieved much during my life, but the process fractured my identity.

Oh my, that, right there, is a missing piece of my puzzle.

I grew up much like as you've written above. I learnt to survive by adapting constantly and now I'm alone I have been feeling lost. Funny thing was I looked in the mirror some months back and asked 'who are you?'

Thank you Turk.

 

[karla]

Someone once observed that we spend entirely too much of our lives trying to find meaning out of something that doesn't necessarily have to have meaning ... lives just exist. The less time I try and find a meaning for where I'm at, the better I feel.

I do often feel like a ghost floating through life, almost as an observer and less of a participant. Sometimes I feel as if I live on the fringe of society. I have to often remind myself that these are feelings and not necessarily reality, although to some degree, they become a version of our reality. I have to remind myself that my feelings are simply the way I have chosen to interpret life's information. Let me say this is vastly easier said than done.

Does anyone else have a constant voice in their head reciting all of the negatives?

That´s exactly how I feel! The thing you sayed about being an observer more than a participant. I feel that things doesn´t really happen to me, that the outside world is not real for me. Is not a bad feeling but it is isolating and stange.