Just what do I really need to do in order to have a relationship?

[Markness]

I keep seeing couples wherever I go and it makes me wonder why does it seem so easy for people to get into relationships while I’ve only banged my head against walls. Do I simply just live in a place where people commonly couple up and I missed my chance since I failed to achieve certain social skills in my developmental years? Is being on the spectrum enough to discount me from romance? I feel so baffled and my mind is worn out. Just what do I need to do with myself?

 

[Crossbreed]

Just what do I really need to do in order to have a relationship?

Less baggage.
(Keep seeing your counselor.)

 

[Gerontius]

Real talk--
I've taken a break from bothering to find a relationship. It's sometimes where you live, but also, become a specialist. I missed ALL my social skills too; I was raised with the understanding that I would commit to a life of voluntary celibacy. Probably this was mistaken; I am seriously considering getting married. Last round didn't work; girl preferred posting antivax stuff on Facebook to having a relaxed & laid-back relationship.
Between this & autism it reconstructed my sexual orientation so I am pretty well near to asexual (and it sounds like you certainly aren't.)

I'm also having a tough time finding a genuine relationship!

The thing I'm noticing is, people won't talk to you unless there's an "opener," some kind of an icebreaker. I went out cycling today--quiet test cruise to see if the gearshift held up on the old bicycle--and got stopped more times by random people I'd never met. "Ayo what kinda bike that be?" Met a guy who had backpacked all over Honduras & all parts of Central America for 20 years (jogging barefoot in the park), a young man & his tiny daughter, a big old black guy & his wife out for a drive in a shiny new Lexus, etc.

If I did that more often, went to cycling events & other stuff, I'd probably run into a lot of people & start hanging out with a number of folks there. I don't look particularly "cool." I was certainly not dressed to the nines & the bicycle is a rather shabby machine with rust all over it. What helped with the general laid-back atmosphere is I was pretty well relaxed & just casually there.

One thing you do have going for you--Markness, try cleaning up & making yourself look pretty cool. Then go places and write. You're a talented writer. But don't get into your computer; bring a notebook & a nice pen (Parker's "Jotter" ballpoint is good stuff) and sketch a bit in the margins, write, etc. Do this in the more alternative sorts of places. Get used to being a bit more of a people person (you're making huge advances already, and it seems cool)

I'd also suggest maybe try not relying on bars; try online dating & for heaven's sake run your profile past some other people first so that you're presentable. Try also going to libraries & cool niche bookshops, game stores, record stores (and it's perfectly acceptable to ask other people about the records they are buying.) Records are awesome & the whole modern-day record culture is drawing a lot of girls into it, nerdy girls too. Get good at this stuff. I'm sure you've got genres of music you know about--and if it's not mainstream enough, that's fine. I don't buy records newer than 1945 (still running 78s and Edison cylinders here ofc) and I still enjoy chatting in record stores.

And if you see nice girls in lines at coffee shops, smile. Don't "looksmax" and save the "mewing" for the cats. If you're cleaned up, either cleanshaven or growing some actual nice beard, and dressed well, people will respect you. I've been accidentally mistaken for a job interviewee & hired for stuff before based on the way I dress. Harris tweed jacket, jeans, newsboy cap. Easy combo.

 

[Gerontius]

Less baggage.
(Keep seeing your counselor.)

Valid --

And if you do counseling to get something out of it, it's often disappointing.

I found that counseling can only take me so far, but improving my own life (which is what Markness seems to be doing) coupled w. counseling tended to do pretty well overall. I had to tell myself "I want a normal life" and then chase it.

 

[Misery]

it makes me wonder why does it seem so easy for people to get into relationships while I’ve only banged my head against walls.

I seriously cant imagine why you think this was "easy" for any of them.

Chances are, it probably wasnt.

It also doesnt actually guarantee that they're at all happy... even if they're acting like it in public.

 

[Gerontius]

It also doesnt actually guarantee that they're at all happy... even if they're acting like it in public.

Can this go viral, because it really should.

 

[jleeb05]

I may not be the best person to answer this since my own love life has been so lackluster but I have noticed that people are repelled by desperation. One thing someone in college told me is that we're all like salespeople. The product we're selling is ourselves.

Imagine if a salesman walked up to you and said, "I have this product I want you to buy...but it doesn't look that great and it's defective. You could definitely do better so I'll give it to you at a discount...actually, I'll give it to you for free, just take it. Please!" You'd probably refuse to take whatever it was he was selling and run in the opposite direction. I think that's sometimes the vibe we give off when we have low self-esteem and self-worth.

I agree with the above comments about making yourself look nice but I'd add that you also have to project confidence through your behavior. I don't think you need to mask but "fake it 'til you make it." I've noticed that the times in which I got the most attention were when I wasn't looking for it. Sometimes I went to the club hoping that I'd meet someone and no one would pay me any attention. Then there were other times I went with my friends and wasn't worrying about those around me. It seems like inevitably someone would approach me. I was having a good time and that's attractive to others. So if there's something you like to do, and that puts you at ease, like writing as suggested above, do those around others and they'll start to notice.

Almost all of my relationships have come from online dating. I hate it but I feel like it's a necessary evil for our generation. Even those of us who are neurotypical are often socially challenged when it comes to forming relationships organically. I personally find it easier to initiate a written conversation than to approach someone in-person. It might be good practice, at least. Just don't become attached too quickly or be overbearing. There have been times where I've matched with someone and had a great conversation only to have them ghost me the next day. So take it slowly and see what happens.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Getting into a relationship is NEVER easy. Despite scoring more NT than ND in relationships, my complete social immaturity and dysfunction labeled me as having zero social value.

You gotta work on yourself first and there is NO shortcut for that.

 

[Aspychata]

Wowsa Excellent advice. Go to events. Any events, just start talking to random strangers. That is the clue to help with your confidence. The more you can chat with the everyday will help when you target your choice. But we can say no to being propositioned. Just say okay maybe next time. Like writers who submit many drafts to publishers, men hunting woman run also into rejection. Writers have 1000s of rejections. Maybe your special one is above average, like you. You have to search harder then the rest of us average folks. But when you do succeed, then she will be worth the wait. Get into the hair stylist, get over to the cool place and update your look. Cool glasses, metrosexual blazer, if younger- hightops. Woman are visual too. Wear a conversation starter, cool streak of purple in your hair will bring woman up to you. A neat teeshirt with funny or relevant saying- conversation starter. Neat pants or cool button. All these things will help your confidence. Go to writing get togethers. Look up for signups. Creative writing brings out lots of woman too. You are selling you, so fake it until you make it. Smile more, laugh more. Think of a cute joke. Ad lib and practice getting woman to laugh. Sometimes laughter leads to a second date. My friend made me laugh. He hugged me with his voice and now l love that voice.☺☺☺☺

 

[Aspychata]

Take the biggest toughest tattoo covered guy with a menacing look and pair him with a foo foo white fluffy dog with pink bows and l bet 5 woman will come up and talk to him about his dog. Why? Conversation starter. Go get a purple streak in hair.....

 

[Gerontius]

Here's something I did. I was surrounded by people all day including girls and you'd be surprised how many people thought this was cool/wanted to take pictures with me/asked questions/gave me their phone numbers. I just kept cranking the machines back up & changing records, and people kept swarming & smiling.

Thought the town needed someone as DJ during a street fair so I went. There were more phonographs on the other side of the ferns. Had I been looking to catch up with girls this would've done the trick (and the cool brick-walled garden filled with ferns and '20s dance band records was already there.)

Confidence (which I kinda lacked then) and a dose of actually knowing what I was talking about helped. (I've been into phonographs and old records since I was 8.)

The advice about cool glasses--Generic helps. Round wire-rim glasses are hot right now esp. for an alternative look. I had a set of very nice cable-temple frames copying some from the 1910s and they actually are back in style again. Had some of the Ellipse frames by Gunnar Optiks (a round-frame gaming eyeglass which I wore for blue-light blocking) and that helped.

As for selecting your New Look--Choose quality. A polyester suit with wrinkles or a bonded-leather dress shoe with scuffs looks tawdry and sleazy. A pure linen jacket in an off-white color, or a pair of genuine leather boots, can wear some wrinkles or scuffs with pride. The necktie should be good or it should not be worn at all. (I have worn everything from knit ties to silk four-in-hands to a 19th-c. black cotton cravat & like all of them, but knitted ties are kinda badass.)

Hats are tough. Hats, more than anything else, convey connotations. I have a few very nice ones--Cost doesn't make them good. Good hats are good when they're a trifle unassuming, and when they look like part of you. A trilby hat has bad connotations now as the fedora of the greasy incel. Keep America beautiful & don't wear a cheap trilby. A real fedora has a wider brim--I have one, a "Temple" by Stetson in mink brown with a black band. I took the Stetson tag & the feather off the brim. Feathers on a felt hat always make me think of a character in a Richard Scarry picture-book. I also steamed it & reshaped it--it looks comfortably lived-in now instead of giving off an aggressive 1930s press corps vibe.
Same with summer hats. Panama hats are amazing if you can get the real deal. I didn't. I have a boater. It's an Olney from Luton, England; they've made pretty much the same hat since 1914 and in the Edwardian tradition it is heavy and a trifle unsightly but at least it doesn't look like something a barbershop quartet's lead tenor or a county-fair barker would wear. I only wear it & my Stetson with semiformals, & all the rest of the time I wear a Goorin Bros. eight-panel newsboy cap in forest green wool (great for motoring, walking, hunting and shooting, and more.)

The reason I am a proponent of hats--I think they are neat, and I think that your face may be more pleasant. Autism often has a light-sensitivity component & once I started wearing blue-light glasses (in a cool frame) and wearing hats I didn't have to scowl & squint at everyone. As I look VERY AGGRESSIVE most of the time, I am really happy to have the softening look of glasses & a hat. People don't associate scowls and squints with friendliness, they think of Dirty Harry. If I'm wearing a hat & a pair of round glasses, I can smile, and perhaps they think less of connotations of Dirty Harry and more of Harold Lloyd.

It's nearing winter and I suggest a camel's-hair overcoat or oilskins. Get them in any color other than black. Might I suggest woolen tweeds. Tweed is available in enough blended colors to be the last true generic fabric. When I wore broadcloth suitings, I got mistaken for a minister. When I went to tweeds people started being more relaxed around me. It's hard to be uptight around the guy who shows up in church literally wearing a hunting jacket.

"Pick a style that represents who you are" is only partial advice at best. Really what would be most successful would be "Make YOU so cool that it shows even in how you dress yourself." You want to dress like you.

This suffices for dress. More guy stuff shortly

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

A neat teeshirt with funny or relevant saying- conversation starter.

I don't think you are far off with this. I can't recall the last time a woman noticed me except for earlier this summer. I was wearing a T shirt with a Jim Yellowhawk (Lakota) signature piece of an indian riding an Indian, walking down the street at a local art fair. A woman approaching me saw it and smiled as she passed. I didn't respond, but y'know, for the right person that could have been an opening. Still interesting as I am that age where I'm invisible to women.

 

[Suzette]

Your most potent super power for dating / having a relationship is your interest and curiosity about another person.
The hard part is quieting your inner dialogue so instead of listening to your anxiety, you listen to that other inner voice that is urging you to relate to others and find common ground.
Something I have learned is that everyone has that inner critic and has doubts about their attractiveness and ability to connect with others. This is true for N.T and N.D. folk alike.
Be honest about your prefrences and tastes. This will allow you to connect with others much better. If you don't like Italian food, say so and offer up what you do like.
Ask the other person what they like too.
And don't worry about the real you being accepted. The right person for you will find the real you attractive to them. If they don't, that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. It only means that particular person isn't right for you.

That is not a fairy tale.
When I met my husband I couldn't look him in the eye - at all. He was not detered. We have been together ever since.
Be patient with yourself. Go out to have fun.

 

[Fino]

You feel you deserve a relationship. You feel entitled to one. Life won't follow your demands. I know it's hard.

 

[Booknerd515]

Relationships are never easy to get into. I would first start with finding a person that has really similar interests as you do and if you get along really well, then maybe ask them if you can be in a relationship with them. I have good online friends and the only reason why we are able to talk to each other for so long is because of our interests-common interests matter for longer conversations. If you're going to be with someone for the rest of your life, you're probably going to want to talk to them for a while. Maybe make an account on a site that's more geared towards your interest other than this one if you're really searching. There's loads of sites out there.

 

[Markness]

Relationships are never easy to get into. I would first start with finding a person that has really similar interests as you do and if you get along really well, then maybe ask them if you can be in a relationship with them. I have good online friends and the only reason why we are able to talk to each other for so long is because of our interests-common interests matter for longer conversations. If you're going to be with someone for the rest of your life, you're probably going to want to talk to them for a while. Maybe make an account on a site that's more geared towards your interest other than this one if you're really searching. There's loads of sites out there.

Please hear me out. I am always looking for someone with common interests. In fact, I talked to a worker at Barnes and Noble who had the same interest in manga that I have. I asked her out for coffee but she turned me down.

 

[Suzette]

Please hear me out. I am always looking for someone with common interests. In fact, I talked to a worker at Barnes and Noble who had the same interest in manga that I have. I asked her out for coffee but she turned me down.

This falls under the banner of cultivating friendship skills.

It maybe that your manga friend is just slow to warm up. Some people, myself included, need to see a person fairly frequently, so that they are not strangers, before getting closer.

It could also be she is another aspie and what she ment was "our conversation today was enough for me now but in a few days I will have more energy". Later she might start kicking herself for not being clearer about her interest.

Don't be pushy but don't give up until you have more info.

 

[tree]

@Markness

"I asked her out for coffee but she turned me down."

Do you remember the conversation verbatim?

What did you say?
What did she say?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

This falls under the banner of cultivating friendship skills.

It maybe that your manga friend is just slow to warm up. Some people, myself included, need to see a person fairly frequently, so that they are not strangers, before getting closer.

It could also be she is another aspie and what she ment was "our conversation today was enough for me now but in a few days I will have more energy". Later she might start kicking herself for not being clearer about her interest.

Don't be pushy but don't give up until you have more info.

And, you can wear a Manga T shirt. Into Anime? Perhaps you can slowly build up to watching Anime from acclaimed Manga, like Your Name (romantic) or A Silent Voice (Warning! Themes of bullying, isolation, self hatred, but also friendship and redemption. Very Cathartic for me.)

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

The hard part is quieting your inner dialogue so instead of listening to your anxiety, you listen to that other inner voice that is urging you to relate to others and find common ground.

Which, if you like Manga, is the lesson for the flawed hero and heroine in A Silent Voice (The Shape of Voice).