Just too weird...

[DogwoodTree]

I know I'm supposed to like myself or other people won't like me, either. But I don't. I'm just weird...don't fit in anywhere...always seeing things differently...not really "present" with people...emotions are buried deep down...no one gets me...I don't get them. There are people who are nice to me. But I just don't fit.

I'm so tired of being alone inside.

No one can fix it. There's nothing that will just make it better. Trying to learn how to live with it. And it sucks.

If I was a "cool" different...something that intrigued people, and that they enjoyed being around...then "different" might be okay. But that's not the way it comes across to people. That's not how they experience me. They tolerate me, especially if I'm playing the part a little better. But they don't want to know the real me. It's too weird. I just want to curl into myself and disappear.

 

[Progster]

I used to think I was alone too, but since joining ASD forums like this one, I've come to realise that I'm not alone, there are others who outwardly may seem to be very diverse and different people, but inside they all have this feeling of isolation, lonliness and detachment. I don't really feel that I'm alone anymore, just different to most of the people around me in my life.

 

[Datura]

I am not alone, but I am lonely. I have people who want to be arround me, but I don't feel any connection with them on a fundemental level. I want friends, but wonder if the return is worth the expendature.

That said, I like some of those facets of myself that others may never parse. Just because they don't have value to others doesn't mean they don't have value to me. And this is coming from someone who's self esteem is deep in the red at this moment.

 

[Suzanne]

I get you, for that is pretty much how I feel too! Like you say, there are a couple of people who are ok with me, but even then something is missing, but since joining this site, I feel less alone in that department.

I also have my Creator to talk to, who calms my heart.

It can be dreadfully lonely and crying actually frightens me; I rather not cry!

 

[Spiller]

I like me, took me a long time to feel like that, I just don't understand why other people seem not to.. or rather, not enough to actually treat me as they would a 'normal' person.
I'm not alone now, since I joined AC and finding my voice here has encouraged me to find it IRL too, so I have a couple of friends now.. but any form of close relationship still escapes me.
An odd thing I experience with women is them saying I'm nice, they like me.. then maintaining a distance. It always seems to me like they're not telling me something - I keep checking to see if I have antennae on my head, or what?

Edit: It occurs to me that I may lack knowledge of an appropriate response at the right time, they don't receive some.. I don't know.. acknowledgement/signal? So, like mail being sorted, I'm thrown into the 'platonic aquaintance' bin..

 

[Warmheart]

I feel with you, Dogwood Tree. Exclusion hurts. We wish to be valued for ourselves, not rejected for unknowable factors which are simply a part of our way of being in this world. I indeed relate. I'm so sorry for your suffering. (((Hugs))))

How much offline ASD support have you got? Social contacts who understand us spectrum-y folks are vital. Autistic kids have this nowadays with their social skills groups, ASD pizza & game nights, etc., hosted by ASD-friendly service agencies. We adults need support groups, too! Why not contact a few developmental disability service agencies within driving distance, and inquire about social programs for adults? You may need to have them do an intake, and receive some services they provide, but maybe additional supports (picture schedules to follow your day better, or having help for accommodations at work, etc.) might help you too? Accepting some of these helpful services can get your foot in the door for social groups if they have 'em. Just a thought.

When it hurts me to feel so "locked in" with my feelings and unique abilities all trapped deep within myself, I gently remind myself that I was born to be this way. That means it is natural, and beautiful.

What if I used my ASD strengths to take care of my ASD challenges?
Can your special interests do any of these for you?:
soothe
entertain
heal
strengthen
re-balance
allow you to contribute to the greater good, or
delight/care for others?

You are a whole autistic, comprised of your amazing strengths and hidden talents, not solely of your challenges. It sure feels that way when we get excluded, though, knowing how much we stand out due to those challenges. Your strengths balance you, and they don't go away just because you are hurting right now. Those strengths will still be there, waiting to uplift you. When we are feeling well and focusing on developing and using our strengths and hidden talents, others cannot help see your uniqueness as good, too.

Those we allow into our inner worlds are those who appreciate us with both our strengths and our challenges.
Those we keep in our lives are those who have the sense to find our quirks endearing.

 

[Judge]

I'm so tired of being alone inside.

No one can fix it. There's nothing that will just make it better. Trying to learn how to live with it. And it sucks.

Me too. It is a struggle.

Maybe the only real cosmic answer in how to live with such a life is to survive and little else. There's no solace in this, but it might explain that part of life's equation in why "bad things happen to good people". Maybe that's all there really is- not to overcome and thrive, but simply to survive for as long as is possible.

 

[Naturalist]

I have been feeling this way lately. I can't interact with more than one person at a time, and very often I fail even trying to communicate effectively with one person. Yet, when I am alone and immersed in my interests, I really love my existence. I don't understand why my good points are so lost on others.

It's not just verbal communication that seems off, either. When I was younger, I wrote a lot (whole novels) because I wanted to communicate my view of the world. But as I got older, I discovered that very few people cared to read what I had written. So, no real point in writing, unless for my own entertainment. I have always enjoyed painting, and I do get some positive responses to my art, but I can't ever tell whether people are just trying to be polite, because no one wants to buy my paintings either. Occasionally I go out to play music at jam sessions but I usually leave early because the other musicians just tell me I am doing things wrong, or I feel that I can't keep pace with them.

But when I am alone, it doesn't really matter because I gauge my success by the joy I find in doing things, not by whether or not I have shared anything with anyone else. When others are around, though, I can't relax. There is too much pressure to connect and I usually fail at that quite miserably.

 

[BlueConundrum]

I don't have much to add, but I've always felt that the "no one will love you until you love yourself!" rhetoric as rather harmful. I don't think it's true at all and it places the blame on the person who is feeling down. I don't like myself at all and I struggle with that every day. That doesn't mean I'm unlikable, though. It can be hard to find your people in life, but there are people who will like you for who you are.

 

[royinpink]

I think key to my not feeling so much that way is what my friend calls "self insulation"--just not being around 'normal' people. My family is full of people who are personality-disordered, alexithymic, autistic, or other sorts of weird (not always a good thing, though). My friends are either on the spectrum or similarly anxious/obsessive or, at the very least, don't fit in with any one group or culture. I have a lot of friends who are 'third culture kids' or second generation immigrants etc. Also people who have problematic or outright abusive relationships with their parents. So...yeah. I don't do this intentionally, it just happens. They are people who I feel comfortable around, gravitate to, relate to.

I'm not sure how I would advise that one seeks out such people, but if you can, you might feel better. It is possible to relate to people. You just gotta find the right people. I know it's hard and in some situations, just not possible. I hope you can get through this. But I know that because you have had to go without that sense of connection that so-called normal people take for granted, you are stronger than most.

I wanna put an emoji of some sort but I'm not sure what symbolizes strength but isn't bizarre. ?? Lol. If I could put the flexing arm I would.

 

[watersprite]

DogwoodTree
I have been thinking about this, your thread, all day.

Subjective response: some bits relevant, others maybe not, just rambling.
Could, I wonder, DogwoodTree be somehow weirder and more uncool than myself.? No way. No one should experience the sort of misery I've had glued to me. How do I know anything here, how do I justify using a hierarchical approach to this question anyway? I want to comfort someone who seems to have a painful experience which certainly seems to be one which I live most every day and night. There is me, regularly throwing labeled thoughts, experiences and feelings into that certain mind-box which gobbles them up. Do others do this too, or is their experience of it different? I think the label-box builds more pathways leading to itself with each thought. Like the pebbles and tarry goo in a paving machine. Then my awareness travels those paths instead of freeing itself to wander with creativity and joy. Free myself. Break off the labeled paths. Push into the pain but past it to that other, interesting and interested self. Disappearing is not scheduled yet, and if it is I will have tried to be awake and taking a stand this day.

 

[Tom]

I think there is a fair chance that there are people out there who would find you interesting. You have a unusual lock, and will have to keep searching for the unusual key.

 

[On the Inside]

I have even tried hanging out with oddballs and misfits only to find I don't quite fit in there either, so I can understand. I can also relate to feeling pretty down about it, and it would be worse if I hadn't found out my real issue (ASD) and then found support for that, like on this forum.

Can't say, really, that people here are friends, but I have felt more accepted, understood and supported with this group than pretty much anywhere else. I guess I still feel that friends are people you can reach out and touch in some way, go for a walk or share a meal with. I sometimes wish this was a "real" place, where I could walk in and see you all, and other people too, just to hang out and chat.

Hope that knowing you are cared about from all of us helps.

 

[NiceCupOfTea]

I never feel like I fit in anywhere. I got my ASD diagnosis last year, but even on the internet I haven't been able to find any autism communities to be a part of. I'm on the fence about this place. Don't want to get banned (like I did on Wrong Planet), but on the other hand if I was to be truly 'myself', I probably would ultimately end up getting banned. It's a little too stifling for me, a little too huggy-wuggy: I have to say, I'm surprised at how similar female aspies seem to female NTs in this regard. Me, I find drama and discord fun. I enjoy banter, sarcasm and calling a moron a moron. Swearing is both ****ing big and clever.

So uh, yeah. Hi! You are not alone. Actually you are alone. But two total strangers can have a moment of having being alone in common.

 

[DogwoodTree]

How much offline ASD support have you got?

ASD support, specifically? None. I go to therapy, but it's more for PTSD and codependency related issues. T is aware of my self-dx of AS, but has never indicated his opinion either way. I suppose one of these days I should ask him what he thinks, now that I've been seeing him for several months.

Other than that, very few people know about the AS, especially in my family. I'm afraid they would use it as an excuse to blame any relationship problems we have on me, instead of taking responsibility for their own parts of the problems.

inquire about social programs for adults

Is it strange to be so lonely and to so desperately want connection...but to not have any interest at all in joining a social program? See...I don't think the problem is lack of exposure to social opportunities. I think the problem is that I don't know how to connect with people, and that I especially don't do well in generic social situations.

I can't interact with more than one person at a time, and very often I fail even trying to communicate effectively with one person. Yet, when I am alone and immersed in my interests, I really love my existence. I don't understand why my good points are so lost on others.

This is an accurate statement for me, too. Right now I'm working with a team of three Ts...and even though it's a group conversation, I still only talk with one at a time. My focus shifts to whichever one is engaged in the conversation at a time, but never on more than one at a time.

And yes...when I'm deep "in the zone" with one of my interests, or even with my work, I start feeling pretty good about myself. It's people that's the problem... I'm thinking I just don't need many people in my personal life, except to try for a deeper/safer/more real relationship with my DH and kids (working on that...not as easy as it sounds), and work with a few other people who bring a great deal of depth to the relationship. Now to find people like that...and figure out how to actually connect with them.

I don't like myself at all and I struggle with that every day. That doesn't mean I'm unlikable, though.

Trying to remind myself that other people are entitled to their own opinion of me...that they might actually like me even when I don't. Hrmph.

It is possible to relate to people. You just gotta find the right people.

Yes...now how to do that?

 

[BlueConundrum]

Finding people who relate to you is difficult! To be honest, I don't have anyone like that now. My two closest friends died and my other friend and I have drifted apart. Another close friend absolutely betrayed me. I've tried, really. But I don't think it's hopeless. I love meetup.com for instance. You can find people who like things you do, and you automatically have a thing in common. If you're nervous, you have something else to focus on!

I am a writer and I went to a writing group recently and I am so happy that I did.

I require less social interaction than most -- even my therapist said "You don't need a BFF to call every day, but you need to interact with people from time to time and have intelligent conversation." Though I miss having a BFF to call every day.

Some people find friends everywhere they go, but frankly, most people aren't even all that great.

I have faith that your people are out there. I really do. Follow your interests!

 

[On the Inside]

I'm thinking I just don't need many people in my personal life, except to try for a deeper/safer/more real relationship with my DH and kids (working on that...not as easy as it sounds), and work with a few other people who bring a great deal of depth to the relationship.

This is how I am approaching things, since I had three different "friends" who brought their dramas into my life. I have trouble forming connections, and if I do am prone to being drawn into peoples stuff. I guess because I come across as a good listener, but really I just don't have that much to say.

It has been hard to reshape a relationship that has been strained, I have been doing that with my SO. And since it is happening when I am putting up big boundaries between me and other people, I feel like I am really isolating myself. I've been at this for about 9 months and it is just now starting to feel more comfortable.

 

[Elemental]

I don't feel any less self-contained than I ever have but now that I am older, I understand better what my stress tolerance levels are & try to stay within them as much as possible. If that means a degree of real life unsociability then I trade it for the tranquility of my own home & self imposed isolation-as-required quite contentedly. I understand that not everyone has the space & time to accommodate their AS - ASD, for many years I didn't & it was Hellish, I just hope that with time, everyone who needs to can create their own similar sanctuary in which to dimminish any AS ASD stresses. Amen. Seriously.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I have trouble forming connections, and if I do am prone to being drawn into peoples stuff. I guess because I come across as a good listener, but really I just don't have that much to say.

since it is happening when I am putting up big boundaries between me and other people, I feel like I am really isolating myself.

Boundaries...now that's a big key-term in my life right now. It often feels like boundaries are about pushing people out, and to a degree, that's true. Really it's more about creating space in my life to exist as myself...creating a container for my self to exist in. It's like the difference between being a puddle...which doesn't serve much purpose except for people to walk all over and eventually to evaporate...and being a glass of water...which has a more defined essence and therefore has more to give in the long-run.

Except it seems I'm not actually water...I'm some other liquid. So when people come for a drink, they get a shock--I'm not what they expect, because I'm not normal. I need to find people who can adapt their expectations of me like I do for them, rather than people who require me to fit in their box (switched metaphors there, sorry).

 

[Judge]

Those boundaries...and "pushing people out". I'm there right now. Had a long and uncomfortable conversation with a hobby club member about why I chose stop attending. Now I have a second call on my answering machine from another club member. I appreciate their attention, but really have no intention of going back. And at the moment I don't feel like talking to much of anyone, as I'm almost in shutdown mode at the moment. Stressed out over other things, trying not to lose it. So I haven't returned his call after three days. Ugh.