Just pasting some thoughts.

[cberg]

I'm trying to make my threads more & more informal & here are some reasons why. No need to read these in any particular order, I'm just musing about someone important to me & I think we're both pretty confused at this point. I'd strongly appreciate any of your thoughts.

I feel more & more like none of the conventional advice here applies to me at all. I think some of us are simply too different as a result of nature and our past to either need or expect the same things from our love lives as most people do.

I don't get closer to anyone by thinking in terms of standards or expectations.

I think the more we ignore this, the more we ignore ourselves & everyone around us. I can either live in denial because of a system that doesn't involve me or just focus on being a better person towards someone I care about. The choice is fairly obvious.

Considering that somebody in my life actually knows an honest representation of who I am, in some regards I guess I'm ahead of some people who do subscribe to the zeitgeist of modern social norms. I think I'd be remiss if I didn't offer my outside perspective to her once in a while, even though it can (& usually does) take both of us ages to process what all of this means.

I think people reject us when we're rejecting parts of ourselves. We need ways for all kinds of people to settle this type of internal conflict together because I think it's rare for just one person to be the cause of any division. Ignoring someone just because they've been dismissive does neither person any good. Nobody thinks the same way or wants the same things every day; the only constant is change. This can happen to anyone.

 

[hiraeth]

I don't get closer to anyone by thinking in terms of standards or expectations.

Yep!

Over the years I've tried on just about every label regarding sexuality, gender, relationship style and type, .... that one can think of. I've also been on the bandwagon of "none of the existing labels fit, let's make up my own". I've come to the conclusion that I dislike all of them, because all of them are limiting. And if it's true for me for these "base" concepts then things like standards and rules within a relationship becomes much more so - there is no one way, there is no template. Every new connection, which could look like anything, be called anything, develop in any which way, will have its own set of rules and standards that those involved in the relationship come up with together. As for preferences and orientation things - well, there are some things I know I like / am inclined towards / am experienced with and vice versa, things that I tend to like less or be less good at, in the relational space. But there is no never and no always - the point of joining with others is to be a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts. The best connections are the ones that surprise me, stretch me, introduce me to realms of being that I didn't think was possible.

Ironically though, there is a label for this philosophy and practice, which I don't hate (yet?) - it's called "relationship anarchy".

There are some "relationship advice" things that I still do relate to, a great deal. No, it's not anything written on this forum either - but they do exist, and I'm regularly grateful to them, because I still have a ton to learn and I don't think that I'm so out-there (even if many people tell me that they think I am!) that I can't learn from the lessons of any others that have come before me.

I approach pretty much every new potential "significant" connection the same way:

I like, respect, admire, care about you. You are important to me because <insert existing shared experiences>. I am curious about and want to get to know you even deeper because <insert curiosities and unexplored potential common ground>. What do you think about that?

The rest we figure out together. No assumptions, no pre-existing agenda.

 

[cberg]

I agree with the anarchy perspective although I very rarely meet someone who I can comfortably say all that to. My thread is about someone amazing enough to get through to me deserving more consideration on my part.

 

[cberg]

I only know one person I consider 'significant' as such and I'm not the one (or many) she's dating.

I have to say I wouldn't trade my time with her for the world. I may not be conventional but at least I'm able to talk to someone honestly about myself. I hope my outside perspective can do some good for us.