I have a date for my ADHD assessment – because I paid for a private one. Waiting nearly a year for an NHS one isn’t great when I’m an impatient person. Plus I had the money to hand, and I’m stupidly impulsive. It cost £540 – quite steep, and yet cheaper than other’s I’d enquired about. It’s going to be done via Skype.
The reason I went for ADHD first was because it’s cheaper, and also because it feels like I can relate more to that condition than autism. After reading more books and listening to more audiobooks – it feels like I almost certainly have ADHD. Every online assessment I’ve done I score 90-100%. As for autism – I feel that I am on the spectrum, but it feels very mild. Limited interests, fidgeting, verbal ticks, swaying from left to right all the time etc. It's things I've lived with all my life - but I get on with it. ADHD though, it feels more apt. Maybe because it's what I've been researching more in recent months. The longer I’ve spent reading, and exploring this forum – the more I realise that my struggles and traits with autism seem a lot more manageable in comparison to other people’s experiences.
I know that there is overlap for ADHD and autism. In a book I’m currently reading they suggest 80-85% of people with ADHD have 1 other disorder and over 50% have 2-3 comorbidities. I will enquire about the autism assessment during my ADHD assessment to see what they suggest.
This is a two part assessment – 90 mins with a psychotherapist and then 45 minutes a week later with a consultant psychiatrist. 16th and 23rd of July respectively at 2pm. I will be able to attend both whilst I’m at work. I’ll just go to my car and do the Skype calls from there.
They had 5 preliminary forms and questionnaires to complete. One was for my parents – and so I rang them today to discuss it. I glanced over the form, and I could relate (as usual) to a lot of the behaviours described. But my mother wasn’t so sure. She said she’d need to check through all my school reports, and discuss with my dad as well.
I’ve always been a little concerned that a questionnaire completed by my parents wouldn’t be that accurate. For instance – for over 6 years I sat in the back of my mum’s car going to and from school and I swayed from left to right – not a subtle sway, but a full on, enthusiastic sway – for hours. I did it so much I wore holes in the fabric of the car and got into trouble from my parents about it. I described this to my mum today “I don’t remember that.” Yeah, great. Should be an accurate set of answers on their part. One of the questions mentioned fidgeting – “I don’t remember you fidgeting as a child.” I never stopped – I still can’t stop to this day. I suppose it’s no real issue – I will mention in my assessment that their recollection of 20+ years ago and them being in their 70’s and 80’s means it might not be the most accurate of questionnaires.
The main issue I continue to have when discussing this with my parents is how dismissive they’re being. My mum occasionally sounds like she understands – but then goes back to her defaults of: it was just puberty, life isn’t easy for anyone, or blaming when I took drugs for causing all of my issues. Truth is – I took drugs because of my issues.
Friend of mine has ADHD and he’s on a cocktail of meds for his various conditions (also including autism). He lives in sheltered accommodation and has been living off benefits for years. He’s described how ADHD meds affect his concentration. Amphetamine based meds that allow him to hyper-focus on the dullest of tasks for hours on end. That to me sounds alarming, and something that I would probably become addicted to. In my early 20’s I had 6 months or so where I tried speed 10-15 times. Hyper-focus is an understatement on that stuff. I used to get it cheap at parties - £10 for a gram. That’s 4-5 times cheaper than coke (which I never tried). I used to get it, and then promptly go home – just so that I could stay up the whole weekend and play video games.
I still reject the idea of medication for these conditions – and yet I’ve self medicated and self-soothed with cannabis and alcohol. What’s the difference? Not sure why I consider a pharmaceutical so detrimental to my wellbeing, when I overindulged in recreational substance abuse. Then again, I’m no stranger to double standards and being a hypocrite.
Sometimes I wonder if there’s more to this than ADHD and Autism. At the same time, I don’t want to feel like I have a need to root out any possible condition that I might have. I’m still dubious how much closure I will get from an official diagnosis. £540 worth? Doubtful. A piece of paper to say I graduated autism – what does that prove? What I already knew? It’s hard to say at this point – I see some on this forum who felt relief from a diagnosis, others feel lost or confused. I’m reaching a point of frustration, but I’m not sure where it’s directed. I didn’t want to wait for the NHS waiting lists to clear – and yet I feel ashamed that I’ve impulsively spent so much.
One thing I am going to do – buy one of those multi coloured baseball caps with a propeller on-top. And once I have my autism assessment – I will have a new hat once I’ve graduated. Seems a little improper to make a mockery of it. Probably because I feel like I overinvested in the research and relating to these 2 conditions when I first learned of them. It felt like I'd found a mould and I was pushing myself to fit inside it - relating everything back to these conditions. That sort of behaviour unnerves me, because it feels like it empowers conditions and weakens the identity and willpower of the self. Perhaps.
I still feel like I’m struggling to fit in to be honest. Closure from this forum came in what I learnt – but in terms of relating to others, I’m feeling more distant now than I was when I first joined. If anything I just monologue on here. I say my bit, and I don't really read the replies. It's much like when people talk to me in real life - my attention isn't there at all. I really do feel unnervingly self centred, and that feels rather toxic. It's why I sometimes wonder if there's more to this than simple ADHD and autism. Narcissism springs to mind - but it seems like such an offputting and disgusting disorder to have, that I have tried to skirt around the possibility of looking into it further. The lack of empathy and my overinflated sense of self worth does ring alarm bells though. Of course it's not that I lack empathy - I feel a lot, in fact the ups and downs of everything in life feel amplified. I have empathy, but mainly for animals. When I see humans suffer, I actually enjoy it. Like COVID - I hoped it would have gotten so much worse than it has. That old line from the Dark Knight rings true, and goes beyond Schadenfreude - "some people just want to watch the world burn". Silly though really - I'm a coward when it comes to confrontation. Why should I wish harm on others? Probably because I'm an animal lover and most people I find offputting and troubling. So when I see calamity befall people - I feel like nature is winning. Is it though?
Unless it's a one to one conversation and I'm interested - I will be there, and the enthusiasm will be palpable. If not, I might be there in body, but my mind is far away. Speaking of distant – since smoking I’m not bothering much with the old daily voice chats me and my friends had on Discord. In fact, I’m becoming more anti social now than I have been in a long time – and yet, I’m enjoying it.
I guess all of this is for me at the end of the day. ADHD or Autism – a part of me, but is it anyone else’s business? They’ve got a new HR manager at work – does he need to know? Does my boss? I mean, my own parents have been dismissive of it. Kristy still struggles with the idea of it – or my desire to get an assessment. Even I’m dubious that I really need an assessment. My therapist is dubious too. How much stock do I even need to put into this?
I suppose it’s like my anxiety and depression – it’s been with me all my adult life, but I know I’m so much more than these conditions. Sure, I might have a panic attack now and then – but I refuse to let it stop me from doing things. I might hate myself and dislike most people around me – but I still go to work every day, and make an effort to be polite to people who I’d much rather give a slap than a helping hand.
I’ve repeatedly said that I am more than the sum of any diagnosis. Over the years on mental health forums I’ve seen people almost religiously say “is this because of anxiety” or “I can’t do this because I have depression”. Focusing on a condition so much that it becomes an obsession. Also, limiting oneself through being convinced that you’re stifled by certain conditions. Like having a panic attack in a shoe store and refusing to ever go back, for fear it might happen again.
Maybe I was lucky in a way – that my first 2 panic attacks were in my bedroom. To me, that was my safest environment in the world – but it didn’t stop me getting an attack did it?
I must admit, when I first read about ADHD and anxiety – it excited me, because I felt understood. But I began to see myself relating too much to these conditions. It felt like I was putting too much stock into it. Convinced my life had been utterly changed. Why? I suppose there’s novelty in new information. Perhaps there’ll be a degree of novelty from an official diagnosis. At the end of the day though – it’s not as if a label will change how I’ve thought, behaved and experienced my life. These conditions are but a part of a personality – of course they affect how we live out lives, but once the dust has settled, I get the feeling I might look back on spending over £1000 on 2 assessments and think I was stupid with my money.
Ed
The reason I went for ADHD first was because it’s cheaper, and also because it feels like I can relate more to that condition than autism. After reading more books and listening to more audiobooks – it feels like I almost certainly have ADHD. Every online assessment I’ve done I score 90-100%. As for autism – I feel that I am on the spectrum, but it feels very mild. Limited interests, fidgeting, verbal ticks, swaying from left to right all the time etc. It's things I've lived with all my life - but I get on with it. ADHD though, it feels more apt. Maybe because it's what I've been researching more in recent months. The longer I’ve spent reading, and exploring this forum – the more I realise that my struggles and traits with autism seem a lot more manageable in comparison to other people’s experiences.
I know that there is overlap for ADHD and autism. In a book I’m currently reading they suggest 80-85% of people with ADHD have 1 other disorder and over 50% have 2-3 comorbidities. I will enquire about the autism assessment during my ADHD assessment to see what they suggest.
This is a two part assessment – 90 mins with a psychotherapist and then 45 minutes a week later with a consultant psychiatrist. 16th and 23rd of July respectively at 2pm. I will be able to attend both whilst I’m at work. I’ll just go to my car and do the Skype calls from there.
They had 5 preliminary forms and questionnaires to complete. One was for my parents – and so I rang them today to discuss it. I glanced over the form, and I could relate (as usual) to a lot of the behaviours described. But my mother wasn’t so sure. She said she’d need to check through all my school reports, and discuss with my dad as well.
I’ve always been a little concerned that a questionnaire completed by my parents wouldn’t be that accurate. For instance – for over 6 years I sat in the back of my mum’s car going to and from school and I swayed from left to right – not a subtle sway, but a full on, enthusiastic sway – for hours. I did it so much I wore holes in the fabric of the car and got into trouble from my parents about it. I described this to my mum today “I don’t remember that.” Yeah, great. Should be an accurate set of answers on their part. One of the questions mentioned fidgeting – “I don’t remember you fidgeting as a child.” I never stopped – I still can’t stop to this day. I suppose it’s no real issue – I will mention in my assessment that their recollection of 20+ years ago and them being in their 70’s and 80’s means it might not be the most accurate of questionnaires.
The main issue I continue to have when discussing this with my parents is how dismissive they’re being. My mum occasionally sounds like she understands – but then goes back to her defaults of: it was just puberty, life isn’t easy for anyone, or blaming when I took drugs for causing all of my issues. Truth is – I took drugs because of my issues.
Friend of mine has ADHD and he’s on a cocktail of meds for his various conditions (also including autism). He lives in sheltered accommodation and has been living off benefits for years. He’s described how ADHD meds affect his concentration. Amphetamine based meds that allow him to hyper-focus on the dullest of tasks for hours on end. That to me sounds alarming, and something that I would probably become addicted to. In my early 20’s I had 6 months or so where I tried speed 10-15 times. Hyper-focus is an understatement on that stuff. I used to get it cheap at parties - £10 for a gram. That’s 4-5 times cheaper than coke (which I never tried). I used to get it, and then promptly go home – just so that I could stay up the whole weekend and play video games.
I still reject the idea of medication for these conditions – and yet I’ve self medicated and self-soothed with cannabis and alcohol. What’s the difference? Not sure why I consider a pharmaceutical so detrimental to my wellbeing, when I overindulged in recreational substance abuse. Then again, I’m no stranger to double standards and being a hypocrite.
Sometimes I wonder if there’s more to this than ADHD and Autism. At the same time, I don’t want to feel like I have a need to root out any possible condition that I might have. I’m still dubious how much closure I will get from an official diagnosis. £540 worth? Doubtful. A piece of paper to say I graduated autism – what does that prove? What I already knew? It’s hard to say at this point – I see some on this forum who felt relief from a diagnosis, others feel lost or confused. I’m reaching a point of frustration, but I’m not sure where it’s directed. I didn’t want to wait for the NHS waiting lists to clear – and yet I feel ashamed that I’ve impulsively spent so much.
One thing I am going to do – buy one of those multi coloured baseball caps with a propeller on-top. And once I have my autism assessment – I will have a new hat once I’ve graduated. Seems a little improper to make a mockery of it. Probably because I feel like I overinvested in the research and relating to these 2 conditions when I first learned of them. It felt like I'd found a mould and I was pushing myself to fit inside it - relating everything back to these conditions. That sort of behaviour unnerves me, because it feels like it empowers conditions and weakens the identity and willpower of the self. Perhaps.
I still feel like I’m struggling to fit in to be honest. Closure from this forum came in what I learnt – but in terms of relating to others, I’m feeling more distant now than I was when I first joined. If anything I just monologue on here. I say my bit, and I don't really read the replies. It's much like when people talk to me in real life - my attention isn't there at all. I really do feel unnervingly self centred, and that feels rather toxic. It's why I sometimes wonder if there's more to this than simple ADHD and autism. Narcissism springs to mind - but it seems like such an offputting and disgusting disorder to have, that I have tried to skirt around the possibility of looking into it further. The lack of empathy and my overinflated sense of self worth does ring alarm bells though. Of course it's not that I lack empathy - I feel a lot, in fact the ups and downs of everything in life feel amplified. I have empathy, but mainly for animals. When I see humans suffer, I actually enjoy it. Like COVID - I hoped it would have gotten so much worse than it has. That old line from the Dark Knight rings true, and goes beyond Schadenfreude - "some people just want to watch the world burn". Silly though really - I'm a coward when it comes to confrontation. Why should I wish harm on others? Probably because I'm an animal lover and most people I find offputting and troubling. So when I see calamity befall people - I feel like nature is winning. Is it though?
Unless it's a one to one conversation and I'm interested - I will be there, and the enthusiasm will be palpable. If not, I might be there in body, but my mind is far away. Speaking of distant – since smoking I’m not bothering much with the old daily voice chats me and my friends had on Discord. In fact, I’m becoming more anti social now than I have been in a long time – and yet, I’m enjoying it.
I guess all of this is for me at the end of the day. ADHD or Autism – a part of me, but is it anyone else’s business? They’ve got a new HR manager at work – does he need to know? Does my boss? I mean, my own parents have been dismissive of it. Kristy still struggles with the idea of it – or my desire to get an assessment. Even I’m dubious that I really need an assessment. My therapist is dubious too. How much stock do I even need to put into this?
I suppose it’s like my anxiety and depression – it’s been with me all my adult life, but I know I’m so much more than these conditions. Sure, I might have a panic attack now and then – but I refuse to let it stop me from doing things. I might hate myself and dislike most people around me – but I still go to work every day, and make an effort to be polite to people who I’d much rather give a slap than a helping hand.
I’ve repeatedly said that I am more than the sum of any diagnosis. Over the years on mental health forums I’ve seen people almost religiously say “is this because of anxiety” or “I can’t do this because I have depression”. Focusing on a condition so much that it becomes an obsession. Also, limiting oneself through being convinced that you’re stifled by certain conditions. Like having a panic attack in a shoe store and refusing to ever go back, for fear it might happen again.
Maybe I was lucky in a way – that my first 2 panic attacks were in my bedroom. To me, that was my safest environment in the world – but it didn’t stop me getting an attack did it?
I must admit, when I first read about ADHD and anxiety – it excited me, because I felt understood. But I began to see myself relating too much to these conditions. It felt like I was putting too much stock into it. Convinced my life had been utterly changed. Why? I suppose there’s novelty in new information. Perhaps there’ll be a degree of novelty from an official diagnosis. At the end of the day though – it’s not as if a label will change how I’ve thought, behaved and experienced my life. These conditions are but a part of a personality – of course they affect how we live out lives, but once the dust has settled, I get the feeling I might look back on spending over £1000 on 2 assessments and think I was stupid with my money.
Ed
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