1. Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

I've been cut off and I'm struggling to understand why.

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by dspoh001, May 15, 2018.

  1. Mary Anne

    Mary Anne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,635
    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2018
    Karma:
    +1,598
    Two months is not that long to be casual friends.

    You DID tell her about your feelings - too fast, and way too obsessively.

    When I was younger, I had a lot of guys interested in me. Nothing was more of a turnoff than them asking me in the beginning, “How much should I call you? This was always a sign that they were going to be obsessive, possessive, and possibly controlling. I had bad experiences with all that in the past!

    When someone says they “Need more space,” and you ask “ How much more space,” that is a clue to get out of the relationship (even as “friends”) fast! I know I was not able to handle that kind of claustrophobic relationship, and was unable (or unwilling) to teach that person how not to do that. Many people just do not have the skills, inclination, or time to teach another person how to be socially acceptable. So they end any connection to that person fast. It’s a real killer of any interest that might have been there.

    I know it’s crazy when you have a “crush,” to hold back and not constantly text and call the object of your affections. But it’s a thing to practice. Think of a plant that you grow from a seed- give it too much water, or fertilizer, too much sun, and some species can wither and die from too much care. Not all plants, but many will get sick, and die. You literally can love something to death. It’s the same thing with obsessive human relationships. Go slow, and learn.

    Be a little more mysterious, and a little more hard to get. Don’t put yourself out there with your emotions too soon, and too quickly. People need space, and time to develop an affection. Even then, hold back until the other person is giving YOU the same affection and interest. Growing up and maturing is important as we learn to contain are emotions. It’s not safe out in the world to show your heart and soul to others!

    We all get hurt when we are young with relationships. We learn what is the socially correct way to behave. I always learned by my own heartaches and mistakes, and also by observing other’s mistakes. I guess once some gal crowds you and it’s obsessive, and unwanted, then you truly will understand how it feels. Hopefully next time you will do better!
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
  2. dspoh001

    dspoh001 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    46
    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2016
    Karma:
    +40
     
  3. onlything

    onlything Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,468
    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2017
    Karma:
    +3,047
    Exactly that. 1 to 1. One beginning of a contact contact from their side = one on yours at a later date. There may be many reasons to why others don't contact you. Sending 10 or so messages in a week without waiting for one answer may be one of those. You come off as an obsessive person by writing this much when not asked and it's an immediate red alert to some people. This kind of intensity scares people off.
     
    • Agree Agree x 4
  4. Bella Pines

    Bella Pines Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    898
    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2017
    Karma:
    +1,893
    I love that :laughing: Don't contact obsessively, it's an oxymoron that only aspies will understand.

    It sounds like you are looking to understand. This is one of the best links I've come across:

    Acting NT: Neurotypical Syndrome Played Straight

    NTs are very hard to comprehend. Further up there was some advice about contacting them as much as they contact you. But yet, they don't contact you, confusing right?

    Well, actually, this is spot on. But think of it as "mirroring". By all means initiate a text, maybe two, but that's it. If you don't get anything back leave it there. If you do, then mirror the response.

    Good:
    YOU: Hey there, I'm in your class and thought I'd say hi
    HER: Hi
    YOU: Did you find the topic hard today?
    HER: No
    YOU: I'd better hit the books then!

    And leave it there, walk away. Have 5 to 8 more "nothing" conversations before asking her out. Read up on small talk.

    Bad:
    YOU: Hey there, I'm in your class and thought I'd say hi
    HER: Hi
    YOU: Did you find the topic hard today?
    HER: No
    YOU: Why aren't you giving me more than one word responses? Did I annoy you? Why are you edging away from me? Aren't we compatible? What about the children that we haven't conceived yet? Aren't you interested to see what they look like? Do you have any idea how much I like you?

    And restraining order.

    A little of us goes a long way, so mirror their actions, even if it seems tedious and pointless. Hold back. Stop obsessing about them and focus that energy into improving you. You're mum's right, ease up.
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
  5. Smiley

    Smiley Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    103
    Joined:
    May 14, 2018
    Karma:
    +174
    I have no answer this. When I was young I had the same problem from the opposite side - I couldn't tell if a guy was interested. I accidentally broke way too many hearts when I was young. Nobody knows: neurotypicals don't know either, they just analyze it less.

    Yes, I agree. I appreciate straightforwardness, but our society teaches especially women to be indirect to avoid conflict.

    Agree, these are very good points. To be honest, dating and even friendship is very, very complicated. There are no consistently correct answers.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
  6. Mary Anne

    Mary Anne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,635
    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2018
    Karma:
    +1,598
    Not to mention that in today’s society, people like to “hook up” for a one time sexual experience, with no strings attached. That’s when people can get their hearts broken. Both men and women “hook up” nowadays. It gets pretty confusing.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  7. dspoh001

    dspoh001 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    46
    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2016
    Karma:
    +40
    I agree that it gets confusing, but I wouldn't want to be in a sexual relationship until I'm married. I'm 22 now so I've got some time to go with that. Personally, I've never even been on a date. People keep telling me to take things slow. The problem that I have is that I have no idea what that means. I mean, how do I know if I'm going at an appropriate speed?
     
    • Like Like x 1
  8. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    26,431
    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2013
    Karma:
    +35,201
    When attempting to establish relationships with others, one thing you cannot do is to project any sense of urgency of it all. The more urgent you appear, the less attractive you may be to another. Unless in one of those rare instances that involve "instant chemistry" between both of you at the same time. Something that isn't likely to happen for most people.

    Think of taking medication as a social metaphor. Where taking medicine in consistently small doses will help you get better. And taking the same medication all at once just might kill you.

    So you apply yourself slowly to show interest in the other person, while not projecting a sense of urgency or obsession which can scare or turn them off.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
  9. Shiznown

    Shiznown Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    916
    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2014
    Karma:
    +782
    That "Good" conversation example isn't good at all. If a woman shows interests, she'll talk and in a lot of cases even ramble on a lot. If some girl was responding to me like that, I wouldn't even bother messaging ever again.
     
  10. Shiznown

    Shiznown Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    916
    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2014
    Karma:
    +782
    I didn't read all of the original post, but I didn't need to. If some girl tells you, that you can only text her at this time, or for this amount of time, she isn't interested and honestly she's cowardly and passive aggressive. She doesn't have the courage to tell you she isn't interested. That isn't uncommon though. Women who are that assertive are very rare to find. I have had women tell me in the past "Hey, I found someone else I just wanted you to know. Good luck to you." and I respected them for it. Now there is probably a reason why this girl hasn't completely stopped texting you. If she didn't want you around at all, she wouldn't text you back at all. Also, if she was your true friend, she wouldn't tell you to just text her once a week. She could just be keeping you around as a fall back guy, but it's more likely she might just be keeping you around for a shoulder to cry on. Either way, you're better off watching porn than trying to date a girl like that. Think about it, what would you tell your male friend if he told you "Oh, just text me once a week."? If one of my friends told me that and was serious, I'd tell them "How about I text you never and see how that works." This girl is not your friend, period. This girl is probably talking to a bunch of other guys and might be having sex with who know how many. You don't know and none of us know either.
     
  11. onlything

    onlything Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,468
    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2017
    Karma:
    +3,047
    Never understood this obsession with physical intercourse, honestly.
     
  12. onlything

    onlything Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,468
    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2017
    Karma:
    +3,047
    I do it like this: I think of a 'slow' way in my terms. Then, I divide it by two in 'friendship related' category and by four if it is in 'romance related' category.

    And then if I see the specific type of NT, I either step back fully or divide the outcome once more. I can't really say what makes them 'specific', since it's mostly subcounscious gut reaction based off experience from previous encounters. It is the type that makes me wary or even cringe internally.
     
  13. Mr Allen

    Mr Allen Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    5,979
    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2016
    Karma:
    +3,723
    I think the OP is "trying too hard", OK he likes this girl, that's obvious, but spamming her Facebook with messages? That would put almost anybody off IMO because it appears desperate.

    I got in a bit of bother a few years back when I was sending messages of adoration to a girl called Rachel I used to work with on local Hospital Radio, she was about 23, I was 35, and she already had a "possessive" boyfriend who was sending me messages to "warn me off".

    I did kind of like her in THAT way, even though I was loads too old for her, only 1 downside, she was a fan of one of THE most overrated shows Channel 4's ever shown, Big Brother :D
     
  14. the_tortoise

    the_tortoise Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    2,185
    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2016
    Karma:
    +4,208
    Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that I didn't believe you!

    I haven't seen/heard it myself in my own personal social circles but I have seen it on forums -- and even if I hadn't, I would still believe you that some men are offended and that you'd had men say this to you.

    I can see how it would be disappointing and/or insulting if you wanted a friendship with the person but not sex. and they don't want a relationship without sex. (I would be very disappointed, too, in that situation.)

    I am not sure that me and those I know who are not offended by "just friends" are a rare exception or not -- I'd like to believe we aren't that rare, but maybe that is wishful thinking.

    I think it is possible that with some men it is not that they are offended, exactly (and/or not that they are only interested in you sexually) but that they think their romantic/sexual feelings for you will never go away and they don't want to/can't handle having to carry those feelings around while knowing they will never be reciprocated -- it might be too painful, or just too stressful/difficult in some other way.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  15. Dalton

    Dalton Active Member

    Messages:
    91
    Joined:
    Jan 29, 2018
    Karma:
    +70
    Bummer. Hey look on the bright side though, there’s 7.6 billion people in the world! Surly you’ll find someone!
     
    • Like Like x 1
  16. Mary Anne

    Mary Anne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,635
    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2018
    Karma:
    +1,598
    Some are just not into it - sensory sensitivities, past sexual traumas, biological factors, hormonal changes, lousy previous lovers...could be so many reasons why someone is not “into” it.
     
    Last edited: May 16, 2018
  17. OlLiE

    OlLiE Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    779
    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2017
    Karma:
    +1,376
    i think she was politely trying to get you to leave her alone, without the direct confrontation of saying 'leave me alone'

    the more you think about it, the more you try to fix it, the more awkward it will become

    women are not only a mystery to aspies, they baffle just about every guy at some point
     
  18. onlything

    onlything Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,468
    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2017
    Karma:
    +3,047
    Fair enough.
     
  19. Shiznown

    Shiznown Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    916
    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2014
    Karma:
    +782
    That's why it's more fun to talk to tomboys.
     
  20. Mr Allen

    Mr Allen Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    5,979
    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2016
    Karma:
    +3,723
    My ex from school was (and probably still is) a bit of a tomboy.