I've been cut off and I'm struggling to understand why.

[dspoh001]

Hi. So I'm really confused.

I've had a crush on this girl for that I met a little over two months ago. I understand that it's important to just be friends at first, so I've made sure not to tell her about my feelings.

I've tried as hard as I can to get to know her. I've asked her how frequently she wants me to call her. She said I can call her whenever because we're friends and, but she later said I wasn't giving her enough space. When she asked me to give her more space I asked how much and she said maybe text her once a week.

So I texted her about a week later and she didn't get back to me for a few days. So I got impatient and sent another message. That was about a week and a half ago. Since then I've sent seven or eight more messages through facebook messenger and texting and I've tried to call a couple of times.

My mom says that I should stop so that it doesn't seem like I'm harassing her or anything. At this point I'm feeling confused as to why she's stopped responding to me all of a sudden and frustrated that I'm being ignored instead (I would much rather someone get mad at me than straight up ignore me) and anxious because if she won't tell me what I did wrong than there's no means for me to prevent history from repeating itself.

The sort of messages I sent her a couple of weeks ago were "how were finals?" and "Thank you for your open and honest communication about needing space". Earlier today I got upset and I messaged her "How did I alienate you?" and "What did I do wrong? Have I caused you to have an anxiety attack?" (she has problems with social anxiety).

And please note, I don't use profanity or name call or insult or make threats or anything. When I say I get upset I more mean that I get anxious and start to contact her too much. I also think that it's pathetic that I can't maintain a friendship for two months before things start to fall apart. And her brother has Asperger's so I thought she'd be understanding about me needing help socially.

I know I need to stop contacting her, but every time I think about her I start to feel upset that I'm being ignored and that she hates me all of a sudden. I don't understand why neurotypicals don't just tell people what's on their mind. I mean, if she didn't want to be friends than why wouldn't she just straight up tell me. That would make things a whole lot simpler.

 

[Fitzo]

It sounds to me like she doesn't hate you, but she's just not interested in a relationship with you. She might have been happy to be friends but your constant contact has made it clear you're interested in more than that. You need to stop contacting her. You're only pushing her further away.

 

[dspoh001]

It sounds to me like she doesn't hate you, but she's just not interested in a relationship with you. She might have been happy to be friends but your constant contact has made it clear you're interested in more than that. You need to stop contacting her. You're only pushing her further away.

How would she know that I had a crush on her if I never flirted with her or told her? I don't understand.

 

[tree]

She said texting her once a week was OK.
You have used up her texting tolerance for
about the next 2 months, at the rate you've
been going.

Since she said once a week, that's probably
how often she intended to text you back.

How would she get the idea that you have a
crush on her? From the number of times
you've tried contacting her, and from the
anguished questions you've been asking her.

 

[dspoh001]

She said texting her once a week was OK.
You have used up her texting tolerance for
about the next 2 months, at the rate you've
been going.

Since she said once a week, that's probably
how often she intended to text you back.

How would she get the idea that you have a
crush on her? From the number of times
you've tried contacting her, and from the
anguished questions you've been asking her.

So I guess that this friendship is hopeless. I unfriended her on facebook and removed her from my contact list so I'll be less tempted to contact her. I suppose the main lesson is that if I have a crush on a girl I shouldn't tell them or flirt with them OR contact them more frequently than they contact me.

 

[Smiley]

So I guess that this friendship is hopeless. I unfriended her on facebook and removed her from my contact list so I'll be less tempted to contact her. I suppose the main lesson is that if I have a crush on a girl I shouldn't tell them or flirt with them OR contact them more frequently than they contact me.

No, no, it's much more complicated than that! If you like a girl and she doesn't immediately give some sign that she is interested in you, forget about her. If she says she wants to just be friends, that means just be friends always, never anything else. If you meet a girl and she gives you a clear sign that she is interested in dating you, speak your mind and ask her out right away.

"Just friends" sometimes means she really wants to be friends, but sometimes it's considered a more gentle rejection.

 

[dspoh001]

No, no, it's much more complicated than that! If you like a girl and she doesn't immediately give some sign that she is interested in you, forget about her. If she says she wants to just be friends, that means just be friends always, never anything else. If you meet a girl and she gives you a clear sign that she is interested in dating you, speak your mind and ask her out right away.

"Just friends" sometimes means she really wants to be friends, but sometimes it's considered a more gentle rejection.

how would I know that a girl likes me back if she doesn't straight up tell me?

 

[tree]

@dspoh001
I wouldn't say it's hopeless.
Sounds like you crowded this one though.
And it was too much for her, at the time.

The idea of contacting her as often as
she does you sounds useful. Mirroring
her behavior.

 

[the_tortoise]

"Just friends" sometimes means she really wants to be friends, but sometimes it's considered a more gentle rejection.

That's interesting, and unfortunate.

I, too, wish people would not say things like that if they don't mean them.

I find it much more hurtful if someone says something confusing that basically amounts to a white lie than if they just tell me clearly and respectfully what they think/feel.

The white lie makes whatever-it-is a bigger deal than it would be if they just said what they literally meant because, in addition to the inherent stress of confusion and misunderstanding, the white lie seems to blend pity and emotional manipulation into whatever disappointing/offensive/painful message they were trying to covertly communicate. (It also sets me up to feel stupid if I realize I was supposed to understand that the white-lie-teller didn't mean what they said, but I don't fault people/hold them accountable for that part.)

 

[Fitzo]

That's interesting, and unfortunate.

I, too, wish people would not say things like that if they don't mean them.

I find it much more hurtful if someone says something confusing that basically amounts to a white lie than if they just tell me clearly and respectfully what they think/feel.

The white lie makes whatever-it-is a bigger deal than it would be if they just said what they literally meant because, in addition to the inherent stress of confusion and misunderstanding, the white lie seems to blend pity and emotional manipulation into whatever disappointing/offensive/painful message they were trying to covertly communicate. (It also sets me up to feel stupid if I realize I was supposed to understand that the white-lie-teller didn't mean what they said, but I don't fault people/hold them accountable for that part.)

I think women usually try to avoid hurting people by being too direct. Also saying "just friends" often means that, but men seem to find that offensive. I've had several people effectively say they have "enough friends" which I find offensive! It's like saying "well if there's no sex involved I'm not interested".

 

[Misery]

Just to offer a differing viewpoint, here's one other thing to keep in mind:

Not everyone uses their phones in a constant fashion. Some may use them on and off, or only rarely. Perhaps there'll be a period of time where they're checking it often, and then a period where they barely remember it's there.

If I had told someone not to text me more than once a week, it'd be for that reason: Because that's about as often as I bother to check the horrid thing. More texts than that would be pointless, because I wont see them for awhile.

I know in this era of people gluing phones to their faces it seems like EVERYONE checks/watches them non-stop, but that's not always true. Some others (who are increasingly rare) also may just not like dealing with the things.

There's a big difference between dealing with someone in person, and dealing with them via texts or whatever. And it can have different meanings depending on who you're dealing with.

Just something to keep in mind.

 

[nowwhat]

She's not into you. May or may not be your fault. You will never know why. There is nothing you (or she) can do to change this. To avoid being pathetic and annoying, leave it alone and get on with life. One foot in front another.

how would I know that a girl likes me back if she doesn't straight up tell me?

Google stuff like "how can I tell if she likes me?" Very helpful and interesting and informative reading for lonely Aspie men.

 

[Judge]

I've tried as hard as I can to get to know her. I've asked her how frequently she wants me to call her. She said I can call her whenever because we're friends and, but she later said I wasn't giving her enough space. When she asked me to give her more space I asked how much and she said maybe text her once a week.

Given you stated this person has social anxiety, that should have been your queue to go very, very slowly in getting to know this person. Instead, it appears you simply overwhelmed her. You just tried too hard (your own words), likely projecting to this person that you were looking for a girlfriend first and foremost as opposed to a friend. Which in her case may have been too much too soon.

I'm inclined to think most anyone is in trouble when someone tells them they want "more space". When someone tells you that, you do only one thing. You back off. You don't question it, nor do you ask for any clarifications. You just back off. When someone tells you they need more space, you give it to them. At that point all you can is wait to see if they ever contact you again. With no guarantees.

As for Neurotypical women not being up and front about their feelings towards you, I'm afraid that may remain one of life's mysteries for many guys. Where some may never tell you that they just aren't interested in you- period. Some also may feel it's too impolite to say such things. Where on occasion you may just have to take whatever hints come your way, like requests for "space". And in general, if the attention you give them isn't reciprocated that's usually your queue to move on without asking why.

Just another reason why I preferred to make friends first rather than overtly "date" someone. Too many unknowns combined with social pressures and expectations. If you choose only to make friends at a slow rate, you never know. Where a friendship might just evolve into something more. Or not. Again, no guarantees.

Perhaps the best thing you can learn from such an experience is not to come on so strong in general. Knowing that some women won't appreciate it, while others might even be repelled by such overtures. Better to go slow than too fast despite having a crush on someone.

 

[the_tortoise]

I think women usually try to avoid hurting people by being too direct. Also saying "just friends" often means that, but men seem to find that offensive. I've had several people effectively say they have "enough friends" which I find offensive! It's like saying "well if there's no sex involved I'm not interested".

If a person actually means they are interested in friendship then saying "just friends" is direct enough for me. It's only when people say, "just friends" when they mean, "I don't want to have any kind of relationships with you at all" that I consider it to be a (white) lie rather than simple indirectness.

I'm a man and I don't see how saying you want to be just friends with someone is offensive -- painful and disappointing, sure, but that's just how it goes with unreciprocated romantic/sexual feelings. It's not a personal insult if someone isn't attracted to you romantically/sexually.

 

[Fitzo]

If a person actually means they are interested in friendship then saying "just friends" is direct enough for me. It's only when people say, "just friends" when they mean, "I don't want to have any kind of relationships with you at all" that I consider it to be a (white) lie rather than simple indirectness.
I'm a man and I don't see how saying you want to be just friends with someone is offensive -- painful and disappointing, sure, but that's just how it goes with unreciprocated romantic/sexual feelings. It's not a personal insult if someone isn't attracted to you romantically/sexually.

I don't understand why men seem to be so offended by saying you like them as a friend, but I can assure you many do. It's happened to me so often I almost never say that any more. Most men are simply not interested in a friendship if they are hoping for more. Something I find deeply disappointing! You must be the rare exception if you are happy to have platonic relationships with women you are sexually attracted to.

 

[onlything]

So I guess that this friendship is hopeless. I unfriended her on facebook and removed her from my contact list so I'll be less tempted to contact her. I suppose the main lesson is that if I have a crush on a girl I shouldn't tell them or flirt with them OR contact them more frequently than they contact me.

Concerning NTs, it's always better not to contact them more than they contact you, especially if you are not very close. My recommended balance is one to one. If you contact too much, they'll think you're weird. If you contact not enough, they'll think you either don't care or are a jerk.

 

[onlything]

I don't understand why men seem to be so offended by saying you like them as a friend, but I can assure you many do. It's happened to me so often I almost never say that any more. Most men are simply not interested in a friendship if they are hoping for more. Something I find deeply disappointing! You must be the rare exception if you are happy to have platonic relationships with women you are sexually attracted to.

Also, rejection from a chosen girl hurts man's manly pride really badly

 

[Fitzo]

Also, rejection from a chosen girl hurts man's manly pride really badly

Which is precisely why most women try to avoid outright rejection.......especially as they might like you, just not in a romantic way.

 

[Mary Anne]

If you meet a girl and she gives you a clear sign that she is interested in dating you, speak your mind and ask her out right away.

"Just friends" sometimes means she really wants to be friends, but sometimes it's considered a more gentle rejection.

Be careful in giving this advice. A person can say they are interested in going out on a date, but if you start going obsessive with calling and texting, and “speaking your mind,” it will crush any interest. This has happened to me. I was interested in going out on ONE date - but then they thought that meant to be calling and texting a lot, and talking about our “future together, and it just freaked me out! So no, go slowly and carefully. Do not “speak your mind!!! Keep the obsessions inside your head and heart, and let the other person make the moves. One has got to learn when they are being obsessive, stalking, and overly possessive.

 

[dspoh001]

Concerning NTs, it's always better not to contact them more than they contact you, especially if you are not very close. My recommended balance is one to one. If you contact too much, they'll think you're weird. If you contact not enough, they'll think you either don't care or are a jerk.

What specifically do you mean by contact the same amount as they contact you? Because it seems to me that girls hardly ever contact me first. Even ones that I don't contact obsessively. Come to think of it, it's the same way for me with both guys and girls. People rarely contact me first in a friendship even when I give them a few weeks or so.