I’ve become timid and passive

[pelecanus87]

I believe that having Asperger’s has made me timid and passive. I do not in my heart want to be this way. I was bolder as a younger person and still show flashes of boldness. However, when you experience enough failure and rejection as many aspies do, it pressures you into a more timid approach to life. You don’t want to make any waves and add to your troubles. Slowly but surely, this timid approach becomes part of your identity.

Thoughts?

 

[Joel's Hear]

Timidity, otherwise known as meekness, can be one of the greatest survival tools you have. Don't feel ashamed of it.

On the other hand, boldness is sometimes absolutely necessary.

Your mind will know which the situation calls for.

 

[Otenba]

Timidity, otherwise known as meekness, can be one of the greatest survival tools you have. Don't feel ashamed of it.

On the other hand, boldness is sometimes absolutely necessary.

Your mind will know which the situation calls for.

Agreed. "Pick your fights wisely" as the saying goes. Trouble, having many forms in our lives, will find its own way to us in life so how we respond to it is important. Assertiveness (not aggressiveness) can be the difference between a calm talk and a shouting match when there are problems with others.

 

[Progster]

Yes, I think that a person's personality is shaped by both genetics, and by life experiences. I was bullied as a child, and that did affect my self-confidence quite a lot, and my coping mechanism was that I withdrew into myself, and I was diagnosed with social anxiety.

 

[Kirsty]

I certainly don’t have social anxiety, but agree with everything you said, Progster.

I do, however, am weary of new people such as in the workplace. Not so bad in my personal life, but if people get too close to me such as friends instead of aquatintances, it causes problems. I’m a lovely person, not bad. The issue is that people get fed up and move on within time or they abandon me suddenly and it hurts like a knife inside me. Was bullied as a child too and have had no support system at all. I have gradually withdrew and I’m a lot happier! I have to remember no disconnect - as long as I have some human interaction.

 

[Progster]

I certainly don’t have social anxiety, but agree with everything you said, Progster.

To be honest, I'm not sure whether I have it either. In some ways it fits, in other ways it doesn't. I was diagnosed with it in the early 1990s after seeing a psychiatrist about mental health and anxiety issues, which I think had more to do with Asperger's, but at the time, they didn't assess and diagnose people with Asperger's so perhaps he thought that social phobia was the closest fit.

 

[Nervous Rex]

Our neural pathways are strengthened by positive reinforcements and weakened by negative reinforcements. I don't know if this is common among autists, but in me it seems like the negative reinforcements are in overdrive. A negative consequence has a far greater effect on my thinking and behavior than a positive one. One social slip up or reprimand will sting for days or weeks, but a social achievement is quickly forgotten.

The effect of this hasn't made me more timid, but it has made me much more guarded and closed off - once burned, twice shy. I tend to avoid telling anybody anything that can be used against me. I don't let people know what things set me off, so I don't give them the power to do it intentionally. The more I like something, the less likely I am to share it with someone who might denigrate it.

My counselor asked about my childhood in detail, saying that when someone is this guarded, it's usually because of a traumatic experience. But I couldn't identify a single, big, trauma. I think it's due to a lifetime of micro-traumas that I take way too seriously.

I'm pretty sure it's one of my least healthy tendencies.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

A negative consequence has a far greater effect on my thinking and behavior than a positive one

A standard cognitive bias for everyone.

Forget what it's called, a loss aversion thing.

Often used in the finance industry explaining why it's difficult to invest money properly.
As it's too painful to keep those stocks that are losing.
So the invest or sells to avoid the pain, instead of buying.

A behaviour that you'll see on a chart on those big down then up days.