It’s ok to want to be alone.

[disconnected]

i enjoy being alone. I’ve tried different groups, teams, organization and even joined a a Fraternity in college but really hated all of it. Why does the NT world always get upset when someone is by themselves? I have a wife and I’d say she is my only friend and I’m ok with that.

Do you guys think it’s weird I do most things by myself? I’ve alway thought people slow me down or get in the way. Maybe I’m just scared of being let down,..I’m not sure.

All I can say if I’m sitting alone at a pub , restaurant, lunch at work please don’t try and force me to join your group because “I shouldn’t be sitting all alone”

 

[Sarah S]

As another Hooooowling lone wolf to another You just continue to be who you feel you whant to be Disconnected

 

[Monachopia]

All my life I've been told it's not healthy to be by myself, that I NEED friends and be around people, my stepmum would always tell me that even when I was a young teenager. I never really saw the point, people are loud, unpredictable and there's always this silent 'expectation' to perform/entertain them/act a certain way. It is tiring.

I do think it's healthy to talk to people on occasion (at least for practice), but, honestly? I'm like you. I have my partner and that's enough. He's a talkative person, but I don't mind that, I'm used to him. Any more than that and I get exhausted. I like doing things by myself and exploring without being asked "Why are you doing that" and having to explain everything I do.

This forum is also a really nice place where I can talk without pressure, when and if I want to. There are things I can't talk to my partner about because he's a very optimistic NT and doesn't understand depression or the spectrum. I'm glad I found this place and can connect to wonderful and interesting people who share the same issues.

 

[Progster]

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be alone. People say that it's not healthy to be alone because most people are very social by nature and become depressed when they spend too much time alone, but this is not the case for everyone. Each person should do what is best for them. I spend most of my time alone, too, I don't have close friends or a social network and don't seek new friendships.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be alone. People say that it's not healthy to be alone because most people are very social by nature and become depressed when they spend too much time alone, but this is not the case for everyone. Each person should do what is best for them. I spend most of my time alone, too, I don't have friends or a social network and don't seek new friendships.

Now you tell me

 

[Autistamatic]

I loathe the pressure put on us to be social when we don't want to. I have joined an Aspie social group which I quite enjoy because they're people I can relate to and I don't need to mask or explain myself to them. That's 2 or 3 evenings in a month and I look forward to it. Other than that I'm happy on my own or with my wife. Why should I have to be any different?
It's healthy to be social if it makes you feel good about yourself, but if it's stressful and makes you unhappy, what in blazes is "healthy" about that?

 

[GrownupGirl]

I've always preferred doing most things alone than with humans. Humans do nothing but distract me from my interests and stress me out. I hate that humans in general think we lone wolves are freaks or even serial killers, which just makes want to be with them even less.

 

[clg114]

NT people are social animals, as are many other species of animals. Most of the people who are on the spectrum are not social animals. We need our alone time and like to be alone. Most NTs do not understand this, just as I do not understand NT social behavior. I believe that this is what causes most of the conflict between NTs and NDs.

I am very, very lucky to be married to a NT lady who understands me and my need for alone time. However, this understanding took a few years to happen.

 

[Sarah S]

With me id say i was forced to develop this lone wolf life as i dident had mush choice i was always regarded as a weirdo and never fitted in anywhere, making friends,shy etc.... (i had problems since before preschool up to adulthood ) And now im so used to it well its who i am.

 

[SunnyDay16]

I don't really think it's an NT thing. More of an extrovert thing.

Since the world's full of extroverts who need human contact more regularly than introverts, it's hard for them to understand how someone could willingly be alone. Same goes for us as it's probably hard for us introverts to understand how they could choose to be around people as often as they do.

As long as they aren't mean or pushy about it, I try to just ignore it.

 

[Pats]

I'd say I'm very much a loner - I can't even seem to live with someone. I used to say the reason I got along so well with my second husband was because he was on the truck 90% of the time and I was home. Everyone would always laugh and I would too, but I was also very serious. I've learned that I can't live with someone - I need my space and for it not to be invaded. I've got the perfect set up - my own apartment with my son and his family upstairs.
My youngest son (now 34) has always had to have a large group of people around. Now he owns and runs a bar, which suits him. I realize we are completely opposite in that sense and he's always telling me I need to get out more and I need to be around more people. No. I need to be alone.

 

[Progster]

I don't really think it's an NT thing. More of an extrovert thing.

I agree with this, because there are some people on the spectrum who are extrovert and like socializing. Being autistic doesn't automatically mean that you will want to be alone and not like being with people. There are also some NTs who are introvert and prefer/need to be alone a lot of the time.

 

[Shamar]

Yes, I prefer to be alone. I work better that way, and enjoy things better when I am alone (does my dog count?). I still crave and have a need to not be alone, but that is never going to happen. This is certainly NOT what the NTs mean by not being alone. I know it sounds contradictory, but I think most of the people here understand what I mean.

When I was running geophysics crews, I discovered that if there was a job that takes me 15 minutes, I could send two people to do that same job and it would take over 20 minutes. If I sent three it would take a half hour. I could never convince anyone that it would be most efficient to have me do the entire project by myself.

 

[Monachopia]

I agree with this, because there are some people on the spectrum who are extrovert and like socializing. Being autistic doesn't automatically mean that you will want to be alone and not like being with people.

I wonder what percentage of high-functioning spectrum individuals are extroverts? It seems as a general whole on this forum we're introverts with probably a few exceptions. I do know of one person IRL who I suspect very strongly is an Aspie (he almost never picks up someone's mood and takes jokes too far without meaning to offend at all - he always apologises once it's explained to him), but he's very jokey and likes going out with friends and to concerts and stuff. Maybe it's a minority? As other Aspies I've met are usually introverted.

 

[Tom]

I wonder what percentage of high-functioning spectrum individuals are extroverts? It seems as a general whole on this forum we're introverts with probably a few exceptions. I do know of one person IRL who I suspect very strongly is an Aspie (he almost never picks up someone's mood and takes jokes too far without meaning to offend at all - he always apologises once it's explained to him), but he's very jokey and likes going out with friends and to concerts and stuff. Maybe it's a minority? As other Aspies I've met are usually introverted.

I think the percentage of extroverts would be quite low, as one of the most common traits of HFA is social difficulties. But they do exist just to show there are exceptions to every rule!

 

[Fino]

I've always considered myself an extrovert, but it's also kind of confusing.

I love to meet new people, but only in professional settings where there's an obligation for both to be respectful, such as if one of us is an employee, which is why I loved being a cashier a lot of the time.

I love hanging out with friends, a particular set number of people who are very nice, but I never want to hang out spontaneously, I never want to hang out so long that I can't be alone at least several hours of the day, and I don't like groups larger than 4-6.

But if all the conditions are met then I'm very loud and out-going and sound like your little description here:

but he's very jokey and likes going out with friends and to concerts and stuff.

If the conditions aren't met, I'm pretty much silent.

And when I really like someone, like my Favorite Person kind of thing, I just follow them around and want to be around them as much as possible.

Keep in mind, during all of this social interaction, I'm awkward and weird the entire time! That's why I'm careful to do it around people who like it or don't mind it or claim to not notice it.

But I'm pretty sure all my friends would describe me as very extroverted, probably because of things like loudness, inappropriateness, funniness, and often long rants and stuff like that, like this one!

 

[oregano]

Like Pats, I can't live in close proximity to other people who are not family, meaning no roommates and such. Rent is so high here in California that it's impossible to afford your own place now, you HAVE to have a bunch of roommates in a small space not originally designed for it because you can't afford rent otherwise. I live with my mom now but will move to a remote area soon where I can be by myself.

My new dentist hired a hygenist who, upon learning I had no friends, started saying how awful it was and how I needed friends and to be active on social media, and she was cleaning my teeth so I couldn't argue. I simply told the dentist that I don't come to the office for advice on my social life, but for dental maintenance. That worked.

In today's world, it seems as if people are expected to be very extroverted and social and to have lots of friends and to always be hitting the bars and restaurants in the latest fashions. Especially with wealthy millenials, their world is very shallow and all about trendy extroversion. Hewlett Packard is making a laptop now that has a leather case, not glued onto plastic but a real leather case, and the market is the trendy young millenials.

I find it quite strange, in my youth you didn't have to be so fashionable, but just driving down the restaurant district downtown I can see how important fashion and socializing is to today's young. I feel sorry for young aspies who have to deal with this expectation.

 

[Peter Morrison]

Personal thinking time is important. Distancing yourself from others in a group setting comes across as stand-offish. We know it isn't, but it is perceived that way. I still can't be "one of the crowd" on a moment's notice. I need my down time to let a lot of dust settle. It's difficult to interact when you are preoccupied with issues and decisions. I think I need a lot of personal time to regroup and feel good about socializing in a comfortable way. I do best when there is a real topic for discussion that grabs my interest. Lunchroom chatter is just noise to me. To partake, I always feel that I have to follow the conversation just to be polite. To me, that is just a lose-lose situation. I don't enjoy my lunch and the conversation just floats off into thin air without any result or understanding.

The primary issue is the need for personal time when in the company of others. We need more personal time than most people. A torturous environment is another factor that will drive us away. Each one of us has their own collection of environmental annoyances that force us to back away. These issues are real for us. They mess with our brains and make us feel very uncomfortable. What choice do we have but to act on our emotional anxiety and get through life as peacefully as possible? This means choosing to be alone from time to time, or for extended periods of time if that suits the bill. It's a difficult condition for people to understand. It's palatable in small doses, but that behavior still triggers ideas that there is something gravely odd, or wrong with someone. We don't fit the mold. What a surprise.

Dealing with a desire for isolation and minimal contact with people is somewhat difficult for me. There are days when I don't want to say anything or listen to anybody. These moods show up out of nowhere like fog moving in. Interacting becomes strenuous for reasons that are unclear to me. I'm normally very outgoing, but it is like my battery has died and I have no tolerance for annoyances of any kind. Our loner behaviors are part of our coping mechanisms.

 

[Vince]

There is scientific proof that interacting with others is good for your health, thus being alone you don't get whatever benefit being with others could give you.
But there are about 4372 other things that can benefit your health and two or three times that many which are a detriment. Being social is just one facet of life. I wouldn't put too much focus on one thing which in our case causes stress. Turning those two sentences into an equation you get (being social) + (over-focus on one thing) + (stress) = (+1) + (-1) + (-1) = net minus. Tell a complaining NT to make sense of that equation. Then tell them it took your aspie brain to assemble it in that way in the first place, hehe.

 

[Mattymatt]

i enjoy being alone. I’ve tried different groups, teams, organization and even joined a a Fraternity in college but really hated all of it. Why does the NT world always get upset when someone is by themselves? I have a wife and I’d say she is my only friend and I’m ok with that.

Do you guys think it’s weird I do most things by myself? I’ve alway thought people slow me down or get in the way. Maybe I’m just scared of being let down,..I’m not sure.

All I can say if I’m sitting alone at a pub , restaurant, lunch at work please don’t try and force me to join your group because “I shouldn’t be sitting all alone”

Yes, it absolutely is okay to be alone and if it gives you a sense of peace and fulfillment, then by golly do it. Life is tough enough as it is so I say bollocks to those people that would judge us by our choices to be loners. I enjoy sitting in the bar, sipping a drink, and just being perfectly okay not interacting with others. In the NT world there are so many rules and so many exceptions to every rule that I find it nigh impossible to follow. If marching to my own beat makes me an outlier, so be it. I'll happily march to my own beat. The only thing you "should" be doing is what makes you feel comfortable, and as long as it's not illegal, then it's nobody's business.