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Is this a safeguard block?

Owliet

The Hidden One.
I used to get very hung up on the fact that I’ve never dated when I was younger. I’ve had one experience that I had thought was a first relationship whilst at university, but I allowed myself to be used for sex and didn’t really realize it until much later; I even had my dad begging me that I could do better because being strangled was not something that was treating me right and I didn’t understand that until much later. At first I felt a lot of anger, mainly towards myself and now I just take it as a learning experience but I’m wondering how far I’ve taken that viewpoint to consider it to be more of a disassociation like it’s not me. I think because of this, Unlike others I don’t get obsessed about my single status. I don’t feel like I have a desire to be in a relationship *or to have friendships. However, I don’t know if it is because I’ve learnt the hard way so I am trying to safeguard as I do this a lot OR if I have desire at all. I do Experience attractions, I have made contact with a person but nothing came out of it because I had some weird freak out about taking things to the next step.

So, am I safeguarding myself from further potential hurts or am I just not interested in relationships?
 
I don`t know of course, but I`m guessing you are safeguarding yourself. Maybe even doing it in an instinctive way, without really deciding to do so. Protecting yourself because of things you experienced before.

But if you are happy alone or happy even if you are not in a relationship, then there`s nothing wrong with that. I guess the important thing is, what makes you happy? What do you want?
I think that’s my question. I am so used to not have any friendships or a relationship, that I don’t know if I am missing out on something. I have some apprehension of making any steps and if it’s because I’m protecting myself from any further hurt then I don’t know if it makes me happy per-saY but rather this feeling of neutrality. On friends: I responded back to a friend who I hadn’t spoken to after a year and a half since she stopped talking to me. I had been friends with her for a few years since meeting her at university, and was very upset when I didn’t hear from her. Now despite receiving a reply to my brief response to her email that I got at the beginning of this year I am apprehensive to reconnect. I guess if you get burnt and then again, there’s only so many times I can take opening up. As for relationships, I’ve had someone who I got along well with and when it came to arranging to meet me, I got extremely anxious and worried. So I ruined that by doing that.
I just seem to constantly push people away or potentially people away, and then I guess telling myself that I am ok with it all but on my bad days when the depression is strong, I do think about it. So perhaps it does bother me but I’m focusing on other things so that it’s not?
 
I think that’s my question. I am so used to not have any friendships or a relationship, that I don’t know if I am missing out on something. I have some apprehension of making any steps and if it’s because I’m protecting myself from any further hurt then I don’t know if it makes me happy per-saY but rather this feeling of neutrality. On friends: I responded back to a friend who I hadn’t spoken to after a year and a half since she stopped talking to me. I had been friends with her for a few years since meeting her at university, and was very upset when I didn’t hear from her. Now despite receiving a reply to my brief response to her email that I got at the beginning of this year I am apprehensive to reconnect. I guess if you get burnt and then again, there’s only so many times I can take opening up. As for relationships, I’ve had someone who I got along well with and when it came to arranging to meet me, I got extremely anxious and worried. So I ruined that by doing that.
I just seem to constantly push people away or potentially people away, and then I guess telling myself that I am ok with it all but on my bad days when the depression is strong, I do think about it. So perhaps it does bother me but I’m focusing on other things so that it’s not?
I feel that I could have written this, myself. Although, I am slightly different in some ways, in that, although I am still, a bit apprehensive, I am aware that I do want friendships, and feel it would be nice to have a companion, should it happen. For a long time, I had been void of this desire, as the result of an unfavorable experience.

It took several years for my heart and mind to heal, to work through trauma, accept the way I had changed, the way I am, now, as a person, appreciate myself, let go of fear, resolve social anxiety, learn to manage ptsd and hyper vigilance. I was, and, perhaps still am a bit like you, in that I inadvertently, and, perhaps, subconsciously, push people away. Not doing so takes both, time and practice/ a conscious effort. In my case it is something I want to completely, resolve, so that I can in fact, make a lasting friendship or two. Perhaps, doing so, is simply not important to you, at least at this time in your life, and as Forest Cat mentioned, there is nothing wrong with that. I was indifferent to friendships/ relationships for quite sometime.

I'm not sure if this is helpful in any way. I feel as though it could be too much about myself, but, I wasn't sure how to put into words what I would have wanted to say to help you with your inquiry. Only to mention my own experience.
 
I dunno for sure but it sounds lke you’ve learned what it is you don’t want.
Located a healthy boundary for potential future relationships.

So I guess you seem to have at least a curiousity about letting the safeguard go away.

seems to be same for @Owliet and @Loren .

:)
 
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It sounds like a part of you wants friends and someone to love. But it stresses you out when you try because it`s difficult to make it work, so you`re thinking it could be better to be alone.

Unfortunately we all have to take a risk if we want to be with someone. It could work out great or it could crash and burn. To find out, we have to try. I don`t know what`s best for you but I do understand some of the things you mentioned, I have experienced it too. Sometimes it`s easier to be alone, you don`t have to take risks or deal with problems and stress. But we are social creatures so it`s difficult to be alone too.

That’s the bud of it: we are social creatures and I know that I don’t necessarily like being alone but have told myself too many times that it must be so, so I believe that it is true when it is not necessarily that. I probably do want love and friendship deep down but I do consider myself to be unworthy of such things. If I have one bad experience, I’m often reluctant to give things another try, and if I do give them a try...the tendency to back track is so quick that then I wonder what it is that I want. So confusing!

I feel that I could have written this, myself. Although, I am slightly different in some ways, in that, although I am still, a bit apprehensive, I am aware that I do want friendships, and feel it would be nice to have a companion, should it happen. For a long time, I had been void of this desire, as the result of an unfavorable experience.

It took several years for my heart and mind to heal, to work through trauma, accept the way I had changed, the way I am, now, as a person, appreciate myself, let go of fear, resolve social anxiety, learn to manage ptsd and hyper vigilance. I was, and, perhaps still am a bit like you, in that I inadvertently, and, perhaps, subconsciously, push people away. Not doing so takes both, time and practice/ a conscious effort. In my case it is something I want to completely, resolve, so that I can in fact, make a lasting friendship or two. Perhaps, doing so, is simply not important to you, at least at this time in your life, and as Forest Cat mentioned, there is nothing wrong with that. I was indifferent to friendships/ relationships for quite sometime.

I'm not sure if this is helpful in any way. I feel as though it could be too much about myself, but, I wasn't sure how to put into words what I would have wanted to say to help you with your inquiry. Only to mention my own experience.

it’s helpful that you’re feeling similar and it’s nice to have that understanding. It is helpful. And I appreciate it.
 
I think I understand exactly how it is for you. I don`t like being alone. But I have done the same thing as you before, told myself it`s the best thing, it must be so. I had a relationship breakdown and I took it very hard. So I hid for a while, I avoided people. To avoid more problems. But if I`m going to be honest with myself, then that`s not what I really want. I want to be with someone and spend time with people.

You`re not unworthy. The world just made you feel that way. And if you should always feel like it`s your fault when things doesn`t work out, consider this; It could be the other persons fault. That happens too, maybe it`s not your fault.

yes, exactly! I’ve become pretty good at avoiding things. And I don’t really want to. I know that there’s always a hope and got to spend time with people but I guess I’m blocking myself out from forming further meaningful connections. In many connections with potential people, the end is usually on my part, and this is my fault. I just have to break this cycle.
 
it’s helpful that you’re feeling similar and it’s nice to have that understanding. It is helpful. And I appreciate it.
I'm glad to know that it is helpful, and I understand what you mean, as I have thought the same. : )
 
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I have some experience in avoiding things too. One thing that has worried me sometimes is that is seems to get more difficult to be around people if I stay away from people for a while. Like I get a little stuck in my own little bubble. I think you should try to meet people, even if it`s difficult. Maybe something wonderful happens. :) who knows. It`s a risk to take but life is a risk. We have to try.

Yes, that’s been my problem. The lack of confidence and practice has severely been impacted by not only myself but also because of the pandemic, and I guess I used that as an excuse to drift off more into an isolation bubble. At work, I don’t even really speak to colleagues, today I did make that effort. So that’s a bonus! and I understand what you mean, I hope more practice means I get over this block and I have more positive experiences.
 
Yes, that’s been my problem. The lack of confidence and practice has severely been impacted by not only myself but also because of the pandemic, and I guess I used that as an excuse to drift off more into an isolation bubble. At work, I don’t even really speak to colleagues, today I did make that effort. So that’s a bonus! and I understand what you mean, I hope more practice means I get over this block and I have more positive experiences.
I realize you were addressing Forest Cat, but wanted to mention that, I do the same, but, I've become more conscious of time that passes while solitary, and have begun to make efforts to engage, simply as opportunities present themselves. I think more practice will, indeed, lead to overcoming the block you've experienced. I wish you much success with your endeavor. : )
 
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