I can totally relate. However, she also has be open to some education on what autism is,...which most people do not understand. In fact, some education for the both of you so you both can have a more meaningful relationship and communication.
Autism is something that one is born with. The changes that occur within the brain start at the earliest of gestation of the fetus. It is a combination of abnormal neuronal migrational patterns, abnormal neuronal structure, abnormal neurotransmitter balance, and abnormal neuronal "pruning" that normally occurs before the age of 5 (the time when many parents seek help for their child). The difference between an autistic brain and a neurotypical brain is about the same as an apple vs. an orange. No matter how hard the apple tries, it will never be seen as an orange.
An autistic trying to be seen as neurotypical is called "masking". It is acting. It is fake. It is mentally exhausting. It often fails. Most neurotypicals will see right through it. The problem is that most neurotypicals have an intense need for "sameness" and if anything seems "different", their natural, instinctual response is to reject it. They cannot wrap their minds around it any more than we can understand their thought processes, emotional responses, body language, facial expressions, and so on. It is a set up for disaster if she is asking you to "mask" your true self so she can feel more comfortable.
I have been married to a wonderful woman,...35 years in July,...still, to this day,...no clue what she is thinking or how she will respond to anything I do or say. I, like many autistics, are lacking in that "theory of mind" or "cognitive empathy",...because of brain development,...not because I haven't learned how to do it or that I don't want to do it. However, I have long given up "walking on eggshells" around her trying my hardest to please her in every way possible. How could I? I literally don't have the tools to do it. I give her lots of affection (plenty of "emotional empathy"), I support her in every way, I am loyal, I am honest to a fault. I am a quiet person,...often hours without opening my mouth,...she reads and is quiet, as well. We really don't have idle "chit-chat",...if there is something important to say, we say it. When we meet after work, I give her a kiss, a long hug, and ask "How was your day?" A habit that allows her to vent when she needs to,...I generally don't have much to share about my day unless something unusual happened that she might find interesting. She has learned to not ask "How do you feel?" or "How would you feel if,...?" Those are questions I literally cannot answer,...that requires "theory of mind" and "cognitive empathy". She needs to know that when you do not give her the answer she wants,...you are NOT being evasive.
We have disagreements from time to time, but we can discuss things without raising our voice,...and we can agree to disagree. Neither of us has to win an argument. I have had one major "meltdown",...in retrospect, I was mentally exhausted leading up to it,...that should be a warning sign to most of us. Constant anxiety, stress, lack of sleep,...a perfect storm for the "meltdown". She has to know,...once triggered, you really don't have much control over it,...it's like an out-of-body experience,...scary to loose control like that. Afterward,...she has to know you are more embarrassed and ashamed than she was being mortified at witnessing it. Bottom line, you have to take care of yourself and do things that reduce your mental exhaustion.
I could go on and on here. Therapy can help, but it will only help if the therapist is well-versed in autistic-neurotypical relationships,...and mostly it will be for her to understand how to cope with your issues,...not the other way around.
