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Is my BF on the spectrum and if so, what now?

C

Clik60

New Member
Hi, I came to this site looking for answers as I suspect the guy I’m seeing could be on the spectrum. So many things I’ve read point to this and I’m hoping for some insight and advice.

We’ve been dating only about 5 months, We knew each other in high school so when we connected on a dating site it was such a relief for both of us that there was commonality - shared experiences, so many things in common. We’re both in our 60s.

He is, as he described, a “bit of a savant” about pop music, can name a tune and what month it was released and name all the people on the recording in many cases, even the studio musicians. He remembers exactly where he was the first time he heard the song on the radio (since he was 7) He was a musician himself and we talk about music almost all the time. Mostly him telling me facts. He’s a news junkie and fills his days absorbing information. He talks a lot and though he can be a good conversationalist, it’s clear he’s not all that interested in what I have to say, especially if it’s of a personal nature. It’s like he doesn’t want to get too deep. He has a couple hobbies that consume him. He spends a lot of time alone. Eats the same thing every day for breakfast and has done for years. When we get together it is always a little awkward at first; we talk about surface things and never about our relationship or feelings. We will sit together on the couch watching tv and he will never touch me or make any gestures of affection but opens up more once he’s had a drink. In the bedroom he is most comfortable, it is a stark change from how he is normally. This is when is super cuddly and talkative. It feels like the only time he can express his emotions.

His “shyness” has been a barrier in relationships his whole life. Never married, no kids, longest relationship 4 years. He’s a handsome guy and it’s easy for him to attract women - he’s had a long string of relationships. When I finally got the nerve up to ask him if he was into our relationship - because I’m not getting warm fuzzies from him - he told me it’s kinda just how he is and this has come up before.

sorry this is a little rambly! I can fill in any blanks if anyone has questions. I guess what I want to know is, if it really looks like he is autistic, is this something I should broach with him? Would this be upsetting news or a relief to him to finally have an explanation for his behaviors and struggles over the years. I just heard a radio interview the other day and it named some reputable websites to get information and testing. I ran through one of them as him…the way I think he would answer and the score indicated a likelihood he was on the spectrum.

Lastly I want to know for my sake, I wonder if I’m setting myself up for heartache trying to move forward with someone who is incapable of fulfilling my need to show and receive affection and love.

And finally I hope I have not triggered or offended anyone with my questions. This is all new to me, I really care about this guy and I’m hoping for some answers to help both of us understand what’s happening.
 
There is much too little to go on to offer a solid opinion. I would say though that it seems there is definitely some OCD involved. Beyond that would take someone trained and with access to him to come to any firm opinion. If he is comfortable enough with you at times, then the question becomes can you be comfortable with who he is and not push for something he cannot provide.

Sorry for not being able to provide more perspective than that.
 
Hello & welcome @Clik60.
  1. Not all undiagnosed "Aspies" consider autism in a positive light.
  2. If he ticks a lot of the boxes, learn everything you can about it* and try some of the recommended communication techniques** and see if they work. Do that without explaining your rationale to him.
    • If it works, you can go forward.
    • If it doesn't, he might not be autistic.
  3. We are not all the same with regards to affection. I cannot guarantee his reciprocity, but if he would give & receive affection, it will show when he can communicate without masking [#2].
  4. If you are NT, he needs to meet you half-way, too, but he won't get that until he accepts such a diagnosis, if applicable.
*If you are in the USA, see
Autlanders, Thriving Outside of the Box: Finding Support Resources in the USA...
**Such strategies are benign for non-autistics.
 
Sounds like he might be on the spectrum. But if he's comfortable in himself, then I'm not sure him seeking a diagnosis would provide much closure. You could always suggest your suspicions and see how receptive he is.

Could always combine it with his love of music and find examples of musicians who are on the spectrum. Quite a lot of creative types are.

As for intimacy etc. I can only speak from personal experience - but I'm the same. Quite emotionally distant in relationships once the honeymoon/early days wears off.

My last relationship ended because it felt like we were just friends. I made little time for intimacy. The relationship before that, she loved me and I didn't love her. In fact - love has always felt hollow to me.

Not sure if any of this helps or hinders. At the end of the day a relationship is 2 halves and you're only responsible for you/your half.

Ed
 
It doesn’t sound like you are comfortable with how he is. Maybe just discuss that with him, rather than trying to work out whether he's autistic?

Truthfully, if you feel like you want him to change or get help this early in the relationship, it's possibly yourself you need to work on, in terms of what your expectations of a relationship are and why? I don't mean I think you have a problem of any kind, but if he did happen to be auty and isn't very touchy feely maybe that's not what you want?

Wanting him to get diagnosed and to change may not be realistic. Can you adjust your expectations maybe? At 60 we can often think well this overall is ok, he's lived this long and hasnt changed so hey, I like enough to chill and feel happy.
 
Changing him is not what I’m trying to do; understanding him is. He is a truly unique individual with quick wit and an amazing mind and I am drawn to him quite profoundly. He admires my intelligence also and we enjoy each other’s company and conversation immensely. At the beginning I was very excited about the possibilities but became confused by his aloofness when we got together and also his reluctance to spend more than one night/day per week together. It’s not how my experience with new relationships have been. Sitting beside each other on the couch for hours, not touching (unless I initiate), alcohol being the only way he seemed to be able to loosen up.

For me, knowing he is/has a strong possibility of having ASD helps me understand and accept how he is. It explains a lot - and also puts the ball in my court as to whether I want to continue in this relationship knowing the challenges it presents.

He is a wildly intelligent individual and I would be surprised if this has not come up before.
 
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Clik60 said:
For me, knowing he is/has a strong possibility of having ASD helps me understand and accept how he is. It explains a lot - and also puts the ball in my court as to whether I want to continue in this relationship knowing the challenges it presents.
Click to expand...
Right. He is who he is whether he has a label or not. ASD or otherwise...it doesn't change how you feel about him and whether you want to accept him for who his uniqueness makes him.
 
One of the dominant personality traits of autistics is introversion. Understanding how introverts react to social interaction might be a more logical place to start. Context on the individual under discussion is screaming introvert. Introverts withdraw from social interaction to recharge and balance themselves. Extroverts draw energy from those around them. They do not produce their own energy, like a self sustaining introvert does.

Two decent books on the subject.

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Cannot Stop Talking by Susan Cain
Introvert Power by Laurie Helgoe

Address the larger, most common trait: Introversion and its difference to Extroversion before saying, 'Hey, is he doing this because he is autistic?' While I do agree with the observations and patterns of abilities fits ASD, more often than not, it is an extrovert misinterperting introverted characteristics and behaviours. e.g. social withdrawal and excellent, indepth conversations in one on one situations.

ASD and diagnosis is a mixed bag for both autistics and the allistics in their circles. You are looking to understand why, which is a very good thing. But don't be in a rush to put traits in a box and say this is this. Labels can help people to understand, but they can also do immense harm because of historical stigmata.

People are who they are. Not their neurotype. Just like one can appreciate an exotic orchid without knowing its exact name. We can learn the name, but it doesn't diminish one's appreciation of the orchid. The name is not requisite.
 
Last edited:
Clik60 said:
Hi, I came to this site looking for answers as I suspect the guy I’m seeing could be on the spectrum. So many things I’ve read point to this and I’m hoping for some insight and advice.

We’ve been dating only about 5 months, We knew each other in high school so when we connected on a dating site it was such a relief for both of us that there was commonality - shared experiences, so many things in common. We’re both in our 60s.

He is, as he described, a “bit of a savant” about pop music, can name a tune and what month it was released and name all the people on the recording in many cases, even the studio musicians. He remembers exactly where he was the first time he heard the song on the radio (since he was 7) He was a musician himself and we talk about music almost all the time. Mostly him telling me facts. He’s a news junkie and fills his days absorbing information. He talks a lot and though he can be a good conversationalist, it’s clear he’s not all that interested in what I have to say, especially if it’s of a personal nature. It’s like he doesn’t want to get too deep. He has a couple hobbies that consume him. He spends a lot of time alone. Eats the same thing every day for breakfast and has done for years. When we get together it is always a little awkward at first; we talk about surface things and never about our relationship or feelings. We will sit together on the couch watching tv and he will never touch me or make any gestures of affection but opens up more once he’s had a drink. In the bedroom he is most comfortable, it is a stark change from how he is normally. This is when is super cuddly and talkative. It feels like the only time he can express his emotions.

His “shyness” has been a barrier in relationships his whole life. Never married, no kids, longest relationship 4 years. He’s a handsome guy and it’s easy for him to attract women - he’s had a long string of relationships. When I finally got the nerve up to ask him if he was into our relationship - because I’m not getting warm fuzzies from him - he told me it’s kinda just how he is and this has come up before.

sorry this is a little rambly! I can fill in any blanks if anyone has questions. I guess what I want to know is, if it really looks like he is autistic, is this something I should broach with him? Would this be upsetting news or a relief to him to finally have an explanation for his behaviors and struggles over the years. I just heard a radio interview the other day and it named some reputable websites to get information and testing. I ran through one of them as him…the way I think he would answer and the score indicated a likelihood he was on the spectrum.

Lastly I want to know for my sake, I wonder if I’m setting myself up for heartache trying to move forward with someone who is incapable of fulfilling my need to show and receive affection and love.

And finally I hope I have not triggered or offended anyone with my questions. This is all new to me, I really care about this guy and I’m hoping for some answers to help both of us understand what’s happening.
Click to expand...

@Clik60, your boyfriend sounds a lot like me, so I would say it is likely he has the form of autism that used to be referred to as Aspergers. This in itself does not necessarily pose a problem, unless you view him as “weird” or “damaged” because he is wired differently than you. If you can not accept his differences, then you should end the relationship. Keep in mind that, no one here can say with certainty whether he is autistic. To accomplish this he would need to pursue a diagnosis.

Also sorry for my blunt directness. This is my personality, and is not directed at you personally.
 
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@Rasputin thank you for your bluntness! I have been accepting him and I do accept him. There’s comfort in knowing his lack of outward affection is because that’s how he is and not because he’s not into me. Though I realize that could be the case, how on earth can one tell? He’s different for sure. And I like him a lot. Just struggling a little with the lack of feedback since it’s unusual for me.
 
  1. I
    Crossbreed said:
    and try some of the recommended communication techniques** and see if they work.
    Click to expand...
    Crossbreed said:
    Hello & welcome @Clik60.
    1. Not all undiagnosed "Aspies" consider autism in a positive light.
    2. If he ticks a lot of the boxes, learn everything you can about it* and try some of the recommended communication techniques** and see if they work. Do that without explaining your rationale to him.
      • If it works, you can go forward.
      • If it doesn't, he might not be autistic.
    3. We are not all the same with regards to affection. I cannot guarantee his reciprocity, but if he would give & receive affection, it will show when he can communicate without masking [#2].
    4. If you are NT, he needs to meet you half-way, too, but he won't get that until he accepts such a diagnosis, if applicable.
    *If you are in the USA, see
    Autlanders, Thriving Outside of the Box: Finding Support Resources in the USA...
    **Such strategies are benign for non-autistics.
    Click to expand...

    Can you tell me what the recommended communication techniques” are or where to find this info. I’m not in the US so can’t access the organizations in your link.
 
Clik60 said:
@Rasputin thank you for your bluntness! I have been accepting him and I do accept him. There’s comfort in knowing his lack of outward affection is because that’s how he is and not because he’s not into me. Though I realize that could be the case, how on earth can one tell? He’s different for sure. And I like him a lot. Just struggling a little with the lack of feedback since it’s unusual for me.
Click to expand...

@Clik60, I liked your response. If your boyfriend likes to spend time with you, he is probably into you. He probably likes doing things and experiencing things that interest him, and would like sharing that with you. So, what you might try is getting him to do some things that you like, in return. It’s hard to advise beyond this, as I do not know either of you. However, you seem like a sincerely good person; that in itself may be the quality that he finds most attractive.
 
Clik60 said:
Can you tell me what the recommended communication techniques” are or where to find this info. I’m not in the US so can’t access the organizations in your link.
Click to expand...
Which country are you in? (They might have a similar autism society.)

Basically, if you can get into the "head" of basic* autism, you can get a better sense of where he is coming from.
If you prefer, you could learn to read him, personally, but that would be starting from scratch.

Also, look up information on gifted children. There are a lot of similarities.

*Autism with severe co-morbid conditions is a bit more complicated, but that doesn't fit your description.
 
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I think we can be socially shy even in one on one situations. I can get overwhelmed if l really like the person. So we may shy away from involvement any more then we can handle.
 
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