Is it normal not to love or care about anyone?

[Ruby]

Is it at all common to feel that you don't or haven't really cared for anyone or any animal except yourself? Is this normal for autistics? I guess it isn't really normal because I hear autism isn't to do with this, but I wonder If it effects some autistics. I think it is somewhat common to only think about yourself in situations because it happens to a lot of people.

A lot of people also think that helping others is nice and serves purposes. I don't particularly like or feel the need to help others or do things for others, because I don't really care to help and could be doing something useful for myself. I also think that helping other people is boring and more work. I don't see why I should take responsibility for others when it's not my fault that they have to deal with whatever it is. So, basically I feel that I have a life to live for myself and so does everyone else.

It is also possible that I do love or care for people, but I may not know or never really thought about it deeply enough. I generally don't care for or love others like everyone else (or most people). I typically don't consider myself to love something unless it's a special interest, I take up a lot of the day thinking about it and I feel really nice and happy when thinking about it. This probably applies to people as well. I hear family and friends saying 'I love you' or 'I love that' ect. but I don't always think it's true unless it's sort of like an obsession or really strong interest (which that probably isn't the case). I also don't typically care if someone dies, is injured ect. I don't think I can feel sympathy either.

Please note that I don't CHOOSE to feel this way about others (it's just the way I am), but it could be related to autism. I hear that you SHOULD love family and friends, but I know that I can't choose to love anyone. If this isn't autism related, It might be to do with the fact that I'm shy, I don't usually talk and I enjoy being by myself. Is there any good reason why I might be feeling this way? Is it okay to be like this? Is it possible to change it or will it change when I get older? Do I have a mental illness or disorder? What purpose does loving and caring serve? Will I miss out on much if I can't feel for others? Is it possible that I just don't have the capacity to feel love, caring, sympathy ect. for others? Am I still normal?

I don't want to tell family or friends because my family would expect me to love them and they'd be angry and hurt if I didn't. If I can't love someone, should they really blame me? Also people will percive me as being cold, selfish, lazy and possibly bad or awful. I can't help what I am!

Sorry this was long, but PLEASE answer!


Moderator Note:

Ruby, I combined your two threads are they were the same thread under different headings.

Thank you

 

[SallySlips]

I don't know how common it is but I sort of understand what you mean.

I do love my friends, family, and pets, but I have to remind myself of that sometimes. I get so caught up in everything going on in my life and sometimes conflicts occur where I can just be downright mean to my loved ones. Of course I don't usually see it that way but I eventually realize that something I've said has really hurt someone. When I start getting that way, I force myself to think about how my life would be without that person/pet. And that reminds me how much I really do love them and couldn't make it without them in my life.

I get what you mean about not wanting to help others, and I don't usually help strangers but if it's someone I care about I will usually help them however I can because it's a good way to show them you care. Showing my feelings isn't my strong suit, so if I can do it in a productive way that makes it a little easier.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

I sort of read this as why don't I have empathy for others. I have read that aspies find it harder to empathise with others.

I too don't see the point in helping people unless they are people I care about. But then again I have come to this conclusion after going out on a limb many times and then that limb breaking royally beneath me. And even with people I care about I'm still reluctant. Perhaps that is more along the lines of the answer you seek. I think its because as an aspie I feel the hurt from going out on a limb more than others and aspies tend to not give second chances. I used to think the second chance thing was just a logical conclusion to my years of being treated like dirt by the world but no apparently its a characteristic of asperger's. We trust with our whole hearts and that trust is not easily given again or at all when it goes belly up.

I do volunteer work, but I do volunteer work for an animal charity because I think humans don't need it and animals need a voice. Personally I think every human can change their lot in life if they work hard, get a few breaks, and want to change. So I don't see why we need all these charities to support people who usually don't want to get up off their behinds and work. Or why we should keep handing out provisions in places like africa. But animals are subjected to our whims and desires, even the cruel ones, without a means to fight back often. So therefore I have way more sympathy for animals than humans. With this example, you could look at it that I have made a logical decision on the basis of the facts. Another way to look at it.

I don't think this means you can't feel love or affection, I think it just means you see the world in a different light. My experiences in life have lead me to be highly cautious giving out my heart. Aspies tend to be good at isolating themselves because of this hurt. I have read that aspies tend to want human companionship but they are often ridiculed for their poor interaction skills and therefore find comfort in isolation. In other words we aspies find it easier to be alone. And to suppress those feelings of wanting to care about others. Or put them onto a pet because animals love without condition, not like humans who place many conditions on love.

You will be able to love someone ... you just need the right person. The right person won't judge you for what you are. I personally have issues with my parents because my mum for example has put many pressures on me to fit what she wants of me. Therefore I find it hard to say I love her. I would care if she died for instance, but I find having positive loving feelings for her is hard. I also find having a loving relationship with my dad hard because most of my life he has been either not there or just followed along with mum. Though in adult life I have had a better relationship and my dad has tried to be there for me. I probably have more feelings for him than my mum. But I find the words I love you hard to say to any family member. I can only say it to my husband easily.

If you measure yourself by the yard stick society gives you, then you will always come up short because people with asperger's are not those that fit the norm of society. But if you measure yourself by your own yard stick and explain to others that this is part of who you are you will do a lot better.

 

[Ruby]

Thank you. Did you ever find it hard to love or care for others as a teenager? How did you come across loving your husband?

 

[smith2267]

Most of my emotions are dulled, like someone turned down the control knob. Except when I drink.
I do love my pets though, and I have been in love with girls--though not any girls in a long time.

On autopsy, aspies have been found to have small amygdalas (the emotional center of the brain.)

 

[Ruby]

Why can't I love or care??

Apparently it's natural for people to feel love for others. People are supposed to feel this way. Yeah?! Well I can't!! I don't really love or care about anyone. Why??!! I'm sad that it wouldn't be normal or I won't be accepted. I want to be more normal and I can't find a good example online. I have autism, but I don't know why I typically don't feel much. I just think things and everyone that I don't particularly like is okay. I just feel inbetween about things. Is it normal/okay/healthy not to dislike/love/care about anyone? I barely ever feel love or dislike. Do I have a problem?

I can't be bothered doing lots of things anymore and I am emotionless except I've been getting sad a lot recently. I can't/don't care about people/animals and everyone seems so caring because they are normal! How do I overcome this?!! I am such a heartless person! I don't have opinions and feelings as much as others.

Moderator Note:

Ruby, I have combined this post from your other thread with the ones here as they are the same.

Thank you

 

[SallySlips]

Thank you. Did you ever find it hard to love or care for others as a teenager? How did you come across loving your husband?

As a teenager, I had very few friends because I wasn't interested in people very much. I always felt like I was beyond high school, because everyone was so immature. If someone was absent for a day, their circle of friends would spend the entire day talking smack about them and pretend everything was just fine when they came back. I experienced this myself. So I was miserable when I went to school, and miserable when I didn't, unless I was immersed in some kind of knowledge-seeking that didn't actually involve school. So I was very much a loner except for a very tiny select few I could tolerate. I liked them, but I didn't care for them very much.

And as for a boyfriend...I had a few crushes, but never had the guts to actually let them know I was interested or respond in any way to the ones who were interested in me. I got my first boyfriend when I was 17, and we were together for 7 years. Looking back on it, I don't think I loved him in a romantic sense...It was exciting at first, having my first boyfriend, but after that wore off we kind of just stayed together so we wouldn't be alone. I felt more like his mom than his lover, even though we were engaged.

So, perhaps not so surprisingly, I ended up cheating on him. I wonder how common/uncommon that is for Aspies? I'm not a particularly emotional person and have never been free with my body. In fact, I've only ever been with 3 men and I'm 26. But when I met Steven, he really didn't give me much choice. He came on so strong and so unexpectedly that he was impossible for me to ignore, and he drove me crazy (in a good way). Three years later, and I'm still crazy about him. I never experienced these types of feelings for anyone before him. I think that because I was in a loveless relationship for so long, when I finally found someone I was compatible with, it just turned into this really intense dynamic for us both.

 

[Ruby]

I have a few friends, but I barely talk in class. Most of my classes, I don't really have friends, but I think it's better to be quiet anyway so that I can concentrate and do my own thing. I'm pretty shy and I don't usually think of talking to people as something to do when I'm bored or get extra time. I'd rather use my iPod. I think I am an introvert and a shy person, because I like spending time by myself, but another reason why I don't really talk is partly to do with my shyness. There are lots of other reasons why I might not talk (I can't be bothered, the subject is too personal, it's not very important ect).

I have never had a boyfriend, but it isn't very easy for me to have crushes.

 

[Flinty]

Is it normal not to love or care about anyone?

Well, it probably isn't, or we wouldn't be here.

I find it odd for any human to love another human. However, humans to animals, for whatever reason, works for me. (Oh, provincial government, could you pass Fluffy's Law so I can have a kitty? :help:

 

[SallySlips]

I have a few friends, but I barely talk in class. Most of my classes, I don't really have friends, but I think it's better to be quiet anyway so that I can concentrate and do my own thing. I'm pretty shy and I don't usually think of talking to people as something to do when I'm bored or get extra time. I'd rather use my iPod. I think I am an introvert and a shy person, because I like spending time by myself, but another reason why I don't really talk is partly to do with my shyness. There are lots of other reasons why I might not talk (I can't be bothered, the subject is too personal, it's not very important ect).

I never really talked in class either. When I went to college, I swore that would change, but I still couldn't bring myself to do it. My professors would always leave notes on my papers saying my insights were pretty remarkable and that they needed that discussion in class, but I just couldn't speak up. By the time I'd think of the words to say, and work up the nerve to say it, the discussion had already moved on.

 

[Defualt]

I am a 16 year old boy who for some reason can't love people as much as i try i cant find love its so bad i don't even care for my family and they have been nothing but good to me but i just cant do it and sometimes i have to try my hardest to pretend i care. My mom has tried shrinks but they don't help i don't know why i'm like this but im looking around to see if anyone feels the same way i feel