... Still be able to generally function?
It can be that my I.Q. can over-ride any issues as I have learned ways to do things that work for me.
An example is that I sill keep automatically changing subjects as I speak to reach the point later that I wanted to say by coming at it from a different angle, because if I tried to tackle it dead on and came straight to the point my mind would freeze up and I would not be able to think, and that is just one example I can think of.
But apart from somehow finding myself seen as different or "Odd" and not being able to "Fit in", where I eventually came to the conclusion that I should not even try, as years of trying just brought me to a mental mess of a being that could never be who others tried to make me be in order to "Fit in"... (Isn't it annoying when people give advice on how to fit in but don't do themselves the things they expect you to try and do? To me, that is hypocritical!)
BUT in many ways, I used to be able to almost hide in an neuro-typical land if I masked my way through and kept my head down... Though what they don't tell you about "NT Land" is that those who have learned themselves, or whom have been taught how to negotiate life in NT Land and seemingly hide ones usual traits so one may "Look" non-autistic, is that despite this, one does find oneself bullied and picked on, where those who are outwardly autistic would be more protected as no one bully would want to be seen to pick on an obviously vunerable victim where it is a guarantee one will be in trouble for when one is found out! Yet an unknown autistic (Be they undiagnosed and not realize they are on the spectrum, or someone who knows and has not made it known, and who has the ability to mask and hide their traits), they can end up beingbullied and taken advantage of without them having a means to defend oneself, as if one complains to someone in charge, one is told to grow up or looked on as if it is ones own fault. One gets the "What do you want me to do about it?" semi sarcastic rejection of ones complaint!
(I have actually had this attitude towards me from an autism social worker who obviously did not have the ability to put mentally herself in the shoes of someone who is on the spectrum! I am not saying that she wasn't trying to help (And it is no one who I am currently dealing with) but it left me feeling rejected and "What's the use of asking for help?" (She just told me what I already knew expecting me to just go ahead and do it. It was because I could not just go ahead and do it was why I went to her! The thing I needed help with in trying to obtain the benefit I am supposed to be entitled to that others seem to get has been ignored to this day, which means financially I am not able to do some of the things I would have liked to do so I find myself restricted, but that is how it is unless one has someone who will directly help one make things work instead of just saying what needs to be done and leaving the person one has told unsupported without even a follow up or an interest in how they got on!)
[Bear in mind I am autistic, and though I come across as an NT, I can't just breeze through obsticles that come my way like an NT can! I do admit that in certain circumstances an autistic can have the upper hand and help NT's along, and many a time many an NT has come my way for one of those things, which is where I can be vunerable to be taken advantage from... Though I try not to let this be known, especially after breakdowns due to being taken advantage of so many times!]
But anyway.... While I don't like being in the position of being thought of as an allistic person eho is then blamed for not being allistic like NT's happen to be, it can be worse when autistic individuals reject one as well claiming that one does not have the difficulties they have, so one "Can't be autistic". One feels like one can't win!
BUT at least I know I am on the spectrum, and what really surprized me is how far on the spectrum the results have been.
I had thought, and actually argued (Before I was assessed) that I was in a unique position of being a BAP (Someone who is neither autistic or allistic, but rather in the middle, BUT what I didn't realize is why I could see things from both sides, is that since a very young child onwards, I have been studying people in order to try and predict and understand them! Well, it does not really work. More I pretend that I understand them! As I still do not know why an NT would even want to actually cram themselves into crowded pubs and nightclubs to "Unwind" and do it night after night to relieve stress! (Ooh, I understand relieving stress, but one can buy a decent bicycle for that, and commute into work, and on ones way back home go and overtake a few cars travelling at 35-40mph! That will get rid of stress!!! But a crowded pub or a nightclub to relieve stress? Isn't that going out of one of those frying pans and into the fire type of thing?)
Ooh. Yes. Also something that has been part of life which some autistic people may understand though only a few allistic people may understand are the shutdowns which for me take place in physical forms. So much so that it took me most of my life to discover what they were! Doctors didn't know and I have been seemingly tested for everything which alesys came up clear. From diabetis to aids, and thought of and treated as a hypercondriact who ended up being refused to be seen (I get shutdowns from hospital and doctors surgery smells. Did they think I would WANT to be there if I wasn't desparate after having to quit job after job? Changing doctors surjeries to new ones who took me seriously and as old doctors conveniently lost all my NHS medical records, it was the best thing that could have happened, as now the new doctors had to actually listen to me and not just sit there for the one 3 minute appointment one could get per year and stare at their watch and purposfully yawn, and when the three minutes were up he would ask me to leave, like a doctor used to do to me! Changing doctors felt like coming out of a third world country and into the modern world!)
BUT why was it that I spent most of my life not knowing I was autistic and on the spectrum? And how is it even possible, that some one can be assessed with results so far onto the spectrum and yet no one else (Apart from a few very clever people which actually puzzled me as I honestly thought they were pranking me when they told me or asked me if I was autistic), ever noticed that I was! How is that even possible when looking back over my life, and some of my family members and relitives lives, that no one even knew? (I am the only one who has been assessed as UK tends to generally only assessed those who ask to be assessed after somehow they find it is a possibility which is why the UK official figures as a percentage of the population are so low).
The dangers of undiagnosed autistic individual who like me, went right into their mid to late 40's before finding out and their 50's by the time they were assessed, is that we could have saved ourselves through some serious burnouts and mental breakdowns had we have known! Just because things look as if we are coping so "Don't need a diagnosis" doesn't mean we always are, and one of the most difficult things for me was that I was never able to ask for help because there was no way I could put feelings into words! Having access (After changing doctors surgeries) to doctors and even having the Samaritans phone numbers were useless when one didn't know how to put ones feelings into words while going through what others have said (When I did later describe it) was a mental breakdown... As one can't ask for help without describing what one is going through... Yet one can't describe what one is going through when one is going through it! (Something I don't even know how to tell others what to do if in that situation! The only thing I reasoned would have worked is if I as a human being could have been allowed to be seen by a vet, as I reasoned that vets diagnose without their patients needing to talk! I did eventually find people I could open up to and these were autism assesing psycologists who knew what questions to ask to get my emotions to come flooding out so I could talk! They knew the state I was in and wanted me to be assessed straight away so I could get help, but they were told they were not allowed to have me jump the queue, so it was another four years and a change of areas to speed things up that I was assessed after a four and a half year wait).
But anyway! Morning everyone!
It can be that my I.Q. can over-ride any issues as I have learned ways to do things that work for me.
An example is that I sill keep automatically changing subjects as I speak to reach the point later that I wanted to say by coming at it from a different angle, because if I tried to tackle it dead on and came straight to the point my mind would freeze up and I would not be able to think, and that is just one example I can think of.
But apart from somehow finding myself seen as different or "Odd" and not being able to "Fit in", where I eventually came to the conclusion that I should not even try, as years of trying just brought me to a mental mess of a being that could never be who others tried to make me be in order to "Fit in"... (Isn't it annoying when people give advice on how to fit in but don't do themselves the things they expect you to try and do? To me, that is hypocritical!)
BUT in many ways, I used to be able to almost hide in an neuro-typical land if I masked my way through and kept my head down... Though what they don't tell you about "NT Land" is that those who have learned themselves, or whom have been taught how to negotiate life in NT Land and seemingly hide ones usual traits so one may "Look" non-autistic, is that despite this, one does find oneself bullied and picked on, where those who are outwardly autistic would be more protected as no one bully would want to be seen to pick on an obviously vunerable victim where it is a guarantee one will be in trouble for when one is found out! Yet an unknown autistic (Be they undiagnosed and not realize they are on the spectrum, or someone who knows and has not made it known, and who has the ability to mask and hide their traits), they can end up beingbullied and taken advantage of without them having a means to defend oneself, as if one complains to someone in charge, one is told to grow up or looked on as if it is ones own fault. One gets the "What do you want me to do about it?" semi sarcastic rejection of ones complaint!
(I have actually had this attitude towards me from an autism social worker who obviously did not have the ability to put mentally herself in the shoes of someone who is on the spectrum! I am not saying that she wasn't trying to help (And it is no one who I am currently dealing with) but it left me feeling rejected and "What's the use of asking for help?" (She just told me what I already knew expecting me to just go ahead and do it. It was because I could not just go ahead and do it was why I went to her! The thing I needed help with in trying to obtain the benefit I am supposed to be entitled to that others seem to get has been ignored to this day, which means financially I am not able to do some of the things I would have liked to do so I find myself restricted, but that is how it is unless one has someone who will directly help one make things work instead of just saying what needs to be done and leaving the person one has told unsupported without even a follow up or an interest in how they got on!)
[Bear in mind I am autistic, and though I come across as an NT, I can't just breeze through obsticles that come my way like an NT can! I do admit that in certain circumstances an autistic can have the upper hand and help NT's along, and many a time many an NT has come my way for one of those things, which is where I can be vunerable to be taken advantage from... Though I try not to let this be known, especially after breakdowns due to being taken advantage of so many times!]
But anyway.... While I don't like being in the position of being thought of as an allistic person eho is then blamed for not being allistic like NT's happen to be, it can be worse when autistic individuals reject one as well claiming that one does not have the difficulties they have, so one "Can't be autistic". One feels like one can't win!
BUT at least I know I am on the spectrum, and what really surprized me is how far on the spectrum the results have been.
I had thought, and actually argued (Before I was assessed) that I was in a unique position of being a BAP (Someone who is neither autistic or allistic, but rather in the middle, BUT what I didn't realize is why I could see things from both sides, is that since a very young child onwards, I have been studying people in order to try and predict and understand them! Well, it does not really work. More I pretend that I understand them! As I still do not know why an NT would even want to actually cram themselves into crowded pubs and nightclubs to "Unwind" and do it night after night to relieve stress! (Ooh, I understand relieving stress, but one can buy a decent bicycle for that, and commute into work, and on ones way back home go and overtake a few cars travelling at 35-40mph! That will get rid of stress!!! But a crowded pub or a nightclub to relieve stress? Isn't that going out of one of those frying pans and into the fire type of thing?)
Ooh. Yes. Also something that has been part of life which some autistic people may understand though only a few allistic people may understand are the shutdowns which for me take place in physical forms. So much so that it took me most of my life to discover what they were! Doctors didn't know and I have been seemingly tested for everything which alesys came up clear. From diabetis to aids, and thought of and treated as a hypercondriact who ended up being refused to be seen (I get shutdowns from hospital and doctors surgery smells. Did they think I would WANT to be there if I wasn't desparate after having to quit job after job? Changing doctors surjeries to new ones who took me seriously and as old doctors conveniently lost all my NHS medical records, it was the best thing that could have happened, as now the new doctors had to actually listen to me and not just sit there for the one 3 minute appointment one could get per year and stare at their watch and purposfully yawn, and when the three minutes were up he would ask me to leave, like a doctor used to do to me! Changing doctors felt like coming out of a third world country and into the modern world!)
BUT why was it that I spent most of my life not knowing I was autistic and on the spectrum? And how is it even possible, that some one can be assessed with results so far onto the spectrum and yet no one else (Apart from a few very clever people which actually puzzled me as I honestly thought they were pranking me when they told me or asked me if I was autistic), ever noticed that I was! How is that even possible when looking back over my life, and some of my family members and relitives lives, that no one even knew? (I am the only one who has been assessed as UK tends to generally only assessed those who ask to be assessed after somehow they find it is a possibility which is why the UK official figures as a percentage of the population are so low).
The dangers of undiagnosed autistic individual who like me, went right into their mid to late 40's before finding out and their 50's by the time they were assessed, is that we could have saved ourselves through some serious burnouts and mental breakdowns had we have known! Just because things look as if we are coping so "Don't need a diagnosis" doesn't mean we always are, and one of the most difficult things for me was that I was never able to ask for help because there was no way I could put feelings into words! Having access (After changing doctors surgeries) to doctors and even having the Samaritans phone numbers were useless when one didn't know how to put ones feelings into words while going through what others have said (When I did later describe it) was a mental breakdown... As one can't ask for help without describing what one is going through... Yet one can't describe what one is going through when one is going through it! (Something I don't even know how to tell others what to do if in that situation! The only thing I reasoned would have worked is if I as a human being could have been allowed to be seen by a vet, as I reasoned that vets diagnose without their patients needing to talk! I did eventually find people I could open up to and these were autism assesing psycologists who knew what questions to ask to get my emotions to come flooding out so I could talk! They knew the state I was in and wanted me to be assessed straight away so I could get help, but they were told they were not allowed to have me jump the queue, so it was another four years and a change of areas to speed things up that I was assessed after a four and a half year wait).
But anyway!
Morning everyone!
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