Is having children a choice or an expectation?

[Michael Balog]

So me and the wife were having a discussion about her friend saying that having kids isn’t a choice. Well I think it absolutely is a choice of you can make between the two of you and we both chose not to have kids. So what does everyone think? Does society make us think we need to procreate and have kids to fulfill a obligation and it’s not your choice or it is your choice and you can do what is in your best interest for your situation?

 

[Tom]

Definitely a choice.

 

[Bolletje]

It absolutely is a choice. What a weird thing to say. I mean, society generally expects people to have children, but that doesn’t mean you have no choice in the matter.

 

[Major Tom]

It's totally a choice. 100%

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Usually, in my experience, you just get pregnant. Most couples aren't like "We will procreate and issue forth an offspring." Most times it catches you by surprise.

 

[Bolletje]

Usually, in my experience, you just get pregnant. Most couples aren't like "We will procreate and issue forth an offspring." Most times it catches you by surprise.

Interesting. My experience is so much different in that most of my friends are on birth control and make a conscious decision with their partners to stop the birth control and start trying to conceive.

Obviously the moment an actual pregnancy happens isn’t a choice, that’s up to nature and chance, but I only know one person my age in which the pregnancy was a surprise (she wasn’t the greatest at taking her birth control pill regularly).

For people that don’t use birth control, it’s different, obviously. In that case I’d say getting pregnant isn’t necessarily a choice, but you are actively choosing not to take measures to drastically lower the chance of pregnancy. So there still is an element of choice.

And in the event you weren’t planning to have children but find yourself pregnant, there still is the element of choice in that pregnancy can be terminated. I’m not being flippant about abortion, but it is still a choice.

So yeah, in my opinion, many many choices involved in having children.


*Edited to say I’m not taking non-consensual sex into account because I assume that’s not what was meant in the original discussion.

As long as you engage in unprotected penetrative heterosexual sex, there is a risk of pregnancy and the choice to engage in this is in my opinion the first of many leading up to having children. I’m not advocating abstinence, I’m just saying there’s a series of decisions leading up to pregnancy

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Choice.

My wife and I were married for 8 years before we chose to have children. It took me a while to come around to accepting the idea.

Having said that, and I work in a very busy neonatal ICU,...thousands of babies are admitted for one reason or another, per year,...and live in a relatively religious and conservative area of Michigan. I run across a fair amount of parents who are taught through their church that the "Only reason to get married is to have children". Of course, if you are indoctrinated into that kind of mind set, and your inner circle of family and friends are also of that mind set, then in your world, having children after marriage is an expectation.

Working with the public can be quite interesting. You meet and talk to people from all sorts of social, political, racial, religious, and cultural backgrounds. It tends to make me more open, accepting, and less judgmental. Pretty much, I am a "to each their own" kind of person,...assuming that whatever that is doesn't cause harm to others.

 

[SimonSays]

Obviously it's a choice, however, in my ancient tradition, marriage is about having children, and after the population was decimated during the Holocaust, there was even more of an expectation to have several. I only ever wanted one, and my partner was a pagan, so that was far from what was expected anyway.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

As @Neonatal RRT pointed out, there is a lot of societal brainwashing/indoctrination to have children. Plus I think there is a lot of messaging about having babies, and not necessarily about the disgusting teens they will grow into. Plus, I have seen the damage that messaging does. A neice had gotten pregnant in her teens. Her mother, a typical NT, browbeat her to carry the child to term because she selfishly wanted a grandchild. That led my niece into an abusive relationship. So, that woman ruined the life of her daughter just for a baby.

My spouse and I decided not to have children. I grew up poor, the oldest of 4, and early on had responsibility to raise my siblings and did not enjoy that and so wanted nothing to do with raising children. I learned early the impact of more people when resources are scarce, and never saw that society offered any assistance to people like me. So, lesson learned. Plus, not having children means that I am damaging this world far less. I could burn endangered species to power my car, yet do far less damage to the environment than those who are spewing out babies.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

It feels like we're from two different planets. Really, culturally, completely different. Because in my world, which is a very low income world, young people fall in love and get in relationships. A year or two later, the girl might get pregnant. Dad in most cases sticks around, but sometimes doesn't. But when he does, they usually get married. The girl may or may not be pressured into an abortion by people all around her, but usually she keeps the child, which is an act of courage.

Babies are born. No one says that they are inconvenient or unwanted. And maybe multiple babies are born over the course of a few years. Mom and/or Dad go to work or they go to community college. Usually they get food stamps during the first years. They might get on TANF (welfare) and their programs help the family go to college and find a good job to get off it in a few months to a few years. Grandma watches the babies or maybe they go to daycare. And the children, no matter the circumstance, are loved.

No person is a burden. And in every instance it was the unplanned children whose existence brought the family closer, and inspired the adults to be better human beings.

 

[watersprite]

Having children is a choice, for the woman and man involved in deciding to become parents of a new human. The potential new human matters a lot more than people’s epxectations.

SOME people put expectations out toward other people, with another layer of expecation that they’ll be heeded.

Best not to involve other people’s expectations in your family’s choices.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

You guys must be from another planet.

And, what planet are you from? My spouse volunteers as a Court Appointed Special Advocate, advocating for children in a county where a full 30% of the people do not meet the ALICE (Asset Limited, Income Constrained, Employed) minimums for life's necessities. Many of these children are neglected and sometimes abandoned by their biological parents and were treated as expendable. The CASAs are sometimes the only stable relationship those children have and it is a struggle to see them get the attention and care they deserve. The idea that children will lead adults to be better people is especially ridiculous, and I am a case in point where my parents only message to my social issues was "deal with it." Get real.

 

[LadyS]

Choice.

For the record, I'm a first generation immigrant from one of the highest populated countries in the world, so ya it's safe to say I grew up in a culture where having children was absolutely expected. My family is HUGE (my dad has 4 brothers and 2 sisters, my mom has 3 sisters and 2 brothers, my father in law has 4 brothers and 4 sisters, etc).

Also I was born and raised in a small town, southern state where marrying young and having kids is expected as well. Girls in my school were getting pregnant left and right, with the youngest I recall around 12-13 years old (middle school age). One of our counties at one point had the highest teen pregnancy rate in the whole country.

Even with all that I'm glad that I could see beyond what was all around me and realize it's still a choice, and doesn't have to be a certain way. As I've said before, live and let live. Everyone is different as it should be.

*Edit* With that said, it's actually both. Not just an expectation from society, culture, or religion but also from nature. Like other species, we are biologically programmed to procreate for our species' survival. However, humankind's ability to reason ultimately makes it a choice.

 

[Progster]

It's the choice of those directly concerned, that is, the parents/parent or those who would be responsible for that child growing up, and not anyone else's business.

 

[the_tortoise]

A lot of people expect everyone to have kids but just because something is expected doesn't mean you have to do it nor that it would be a good thing for you to do. Everyone has a different situation and should be free to make the best choice for themselves.

 

[ForestGumpett]

Do we have one of those eating popcorn smiley faces?

What a loaded question, if you answer either way the box of worms gets open.

Personally I’m leaning with @Yeshuasdaughter - From what I read and believe your suppose to “Be fruitful and multiply”. And in that same context, it’s suppose to be a man and woman (born with those parts, same as farm animals ) and to multiply would mean that you have at least 4 kids.

That being said, I do not have any children on earth - lost one early and I believe that baby is in heaven. Don’t care what others think about that honestly.

Now....kids drive me crazy. The noise that comes with them and the constant energy I’m not sure I’m cut out for but I would if I had too. The sucky part, I don’t get to be a grandma but after listening to the neighbors kids scream for about 10 minutes I’m good!

 

[SimonSays]

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

@ForestGumpett I'm so sorry for your loss. I also have a baby in heaven.

 

[Wolfsage]

Choice.

 

[ForestGumpett]

@ForestGumpett I'm so sorry for your loss. I also have a baby in heaven.

Sister, our loss is their gain. I’m sorry for you too, the both of us miss out. Here’s the thing, our kids got to grow up in heaven. I’m oddly jealous! Wasn’t it Paul that said he was torn about if it was better to be here or there? My temperament, more like Peter cutting off ears of the offenders lol. (Last part in NT, we worship the same G_d I’m more the messianic type)