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Invading "Private Space" in A Public Setting

Beguiling Orbit

Beguiling Orbit

Neurotribe Champion
V.I.P Member
I went to a lecture for work today at an auditorium that I frequently go to for these types of events. I record these lectures so that I can quote the the lecturers properly when I write an event wrap-up story. I have found a seat in this auditorium that is not only ideal for recording (it's right underneath a ceiling loudspeaker) but is in the back row so that I don’t have to interact with people. I got there early so that my usual seat would still be available, but someone had already taken it. I hesitated, but went ahead and sat two seats away from her that was still close enough to the loudspeaker to get a good recording. She asked me, “may I help you?” I wasn’t sure what to say, but I explained that I needed to be near the speaker. She asked, “isn’t there another speaker somewhere else?” I then realized that she felt she had the right to not only be by herself but to keep others away from that area even though it was a public lecture. I said, “Well, you’re sitting in my seat,” and smiled. She replied that she always sat there, too. I further explained that this was the best place in the room to record. I then asked, “would you like me to sit somewhere else?” Even though I offered to do that, I still wasn’t sure if I was going to move, even if she said yes. Frankly, I was a bit annoyed that she was being so territorial. Thankfully, she said no. When I started setting up my recording equipment, she asked me about it and then I learned that she was the closed-captioning transcriptionist for the event. When I replied, “oh, that's cool,” the tension between us finally subsided. I offered to email her the recording if she wanted to check her transcription for accuracy but she declined.

I probably violated some NT unwritten rule that I didn't know about by walking right up and sitting down two seats away from her. Fortunately, it didn’t end up being a big deal. I even thanked her at the end for letting me sit in “her” space. She laughed and said, “oh, sure.”

Anyway, I think I learned a lesson about open public seating: Even if it is a public event with general seating, before you sit down, at least introduce yourself and explain why you have invaded "their" space. If I didn’t need to record, I probably would have just apologized and sat somewhere else.

Has this kind of situation ever happened to you? If so, how do you handle it?
 
Ok, I'm not NT but I don't see why she would be bothered by you sitting two seats away. Right next to her might be too close, but two seats away? Seems fine to me.
 
kay said:
Ok, I'm not NT but I don't see why she would be bothered by you sitting two seats away. Right next to her might be too close, but two seats away? Seems fine to me.
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Maybe she thought I was going to make monkey noises throughout the lecture. :)
 
I guess not being an nt either, it is hard to see why she would have felt bothered, but I think, from what you said, she felt as annoyed with you as you did with her, but tried to be friendly.

If EVER I was in a situation like that and no way if I can help it, I would not even say hi; too shy for that lol
 
Suzanne said:
I think, from what you said, she felt as annoyed with you as you did with her, but tried to be friendly.
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No doubt that she was annoyed. I guess one question I didn't ask is why does she think she has the right to be annoyed, or to take over a territory of three seats in a public auditorium that has general seating?
 
Thinking about it more, she has the right to be annoyed. But she was pretty rude and was not trying to be friendly. "Isn’t there another speaker somewhere else?" is just plain tacky and seems to imply "Go away. You are not wanted here." A younger me would have replied, "Yes, there are dozens of empty seats but you only need one. You don't need this entire row." I guess we can't control whether people are rude. We can, however, control how we react to rudeness. I think I disarmed her rudeness pretty well, though. It still bothered me for awhile, though. I'm over it. But I'm still curious about the experience and wonder what I could I have done differently. Probably the best thing would have been what I suggested in paragraph 3 of the OP.
 
Plot twist: the transcriptionist is not NT.

All jokes aside, you handled it pretty well. I'm not sure I would have had as pleasant an interaction with her as you've had, mainly because like you, I'm not sure why she feels so territorial that 2 seats away is still not enough (I totally get being territorial about the exact seat someone is aiming for, but the neighboring seats are supposed to be fair game...). So, good job on how you handled the situation!
 
Katleya said:
Plot twist: the transcriptionist is not NT.
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I like that idea! Maybe she's a fellow spectrumite and that's why she and I wanted the same seat away from everyone else? That certainly would explain why the situation quickly resolved itself. Usually, when I stumble into a situation like this one, it stays awkward for the duration. Maybe she recognized something in me that said "kindred spirit"and calmed down.
 
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I need to ask a few stupid questions.
How does neurology enter into this equation?
Are you really able to do psychological assessments at a glance?
 
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You did nothing wrong. I think she was rude. She could have explained right away why she was sitting there and actually you were recording but she wasn't so in my mind she should have bowed to your need. I give you kudos for handling it so well. Now don't overthink it :D
 
I hate when people invade my public space, for example talk to me and put their face really close to mine as if I would hear them better like that....or touch me while talking ugh....but two seats away is fine haha I would not worry about that.

I´ve thought long about this topic, the public space, and I think it is much more than physical space, it is also the noise and the smell etc. I always try not to invade any types of spaces keeping 1 meter distance, avoiding strong perfumes etc. I am sure it is not your case, this situation just reminded me of this and I think it is an interesting topic
 
I'm not going to speculate about her neurology, but it seems to me that if you were both there early and you both habitually choose to sit in the back row away from everyone else, she clearly was taken aback by your choosing to sit almost next to her. If the auditorium still was fairly empty I think most people would have chosen a seat further away, unless, like you they had a specific reason for needing to be there. It sounds like she found your proximity a lttle unnerving. She may have been on the spectrum, or she may just prefer to be away from others for some other reason.

Anyway well done for diffusing the situation amicably.
It's amazing what good communication can achieve!
 
First of all, unless you are assigned set numbers, you have a right to sit wherever you want to. She doesn't have the right to tell you to sit somewhere else.

You didn't sit bang next to her, but a couple of seats away, so I really don't see how you were invading her space. It's possible that there was a different reason why she didn't want anyone near her - perhaps she was worried about someone making noise and interfering with her recording.

You had a good, valid reason to choose that seat. You didn't choose it especially to annoy her.

She should have explained from the outset that she needed to be there, then you could have worked out a solution. Bad communication on her part.
 
It sounds like someone that wants to remain in a good standing appearance with darker motivations like entitlement as a result of seeing others as lesser. Could be an example of the fixed mindset. (Mindset, carol s. Dweck) In any case you played your cards right. (From her standpoint she could have thought you meant to be assertive under a polite facade. Basically social politics)
 
Beguiling Orbit said:
I went to a lecture for work today at an auditorium that I frequently go to for these types of events. I record these lectures so that I can quote the the lecturers properly when I write an event wrap-up story. I have found a seat in this auditorium that is not only ideal for recording (it's right underneath a ceiling loudspeaker) but is in the back row so that I don’t have to interact with people. I got there early so that my usual seat would still be available, but someone had already taken it. I hesitated, but went ahead and sat two seats away from her that was still close enough to the loudspeaker to get a good recording. She asked me, “may I help you?” I wasn’t sure what to say, but I explained that I needed to be near the speaker. She asked, “isn’t there another speaker somewhere else?” I then realized that she felt she had the right to not only be by herself but to keep others away from that area even though it was a public lecture. I said, “Well, you’re sitting in my seat,” and smiled. She replied that she always sat there, too. I further explained that this was the best place in the room to record. I then asked, “would you like me to sit somewhere else?” Even though I offered to do that, I still wasn’t sure if I was going to move, even if she said yes. Frankly, I was a bit annoyed that she was being so territorial. Thankfully, she said no. When I started setting up my recording equipment, she asked me about it and then I learned that she was the closed-captioning transcriptionist for the event. When I replied, “oh, that's cool,” the tension between us finally subsided. I offered to email her the recording if she wanted to check her transcription for accuracy but she declined.

I probably violated some NT unwritten rule that I didn't know about by walking right up and sitting down two seats away from her. Fortunately, it didn’t end up being a big deal. I even thanked her at the end for letting me sit in “her” space. She laughed and said, “oh, sure.”

Anyway, I think I learned a lesson about open public seating: Even if it is a public event with general seating, before you sit down, at least introduce yourself and explain why you have invaded "their" space. If I didn’t need to record, I probably would have just apologized and sat somewhere else.

Has this kind of situation ever happened to you? If so, how do you handle it?
Click to expand...
I feel from reading your post that you have learned that space is important to people in general..However space varies according to the situation.. You were extremely courteous in your behaviour towards the girl who wrote the captions...If the theatre were full and only one seat left for example then it would be in order to sit in that seat, wouldn't it? The fact that you didn't sit right next to her would have been polite enough in a relatively empty area especially if its location had something extra to offer such as in this case and that was the speaker. In fact you did better than many NT's might have done in the same circumstances.
In an elevator which only holds 10 people and already has 9 aboard it is perfectly in order to squeeze in also and people expect to have very little personal space.. Well Done
 
Sitting two seats away from someone in an entire row is close. I know for me I would wonder why someone sat so close when there was a whole row available. Since you mentioned the speaker to her it was a little rude of her to ask you if there was another speaker. Women are often on guard and wonder why people sit so close to them. I have social anxiety and a huge personal space bubble so I try to get a seat far away from people.
She also probably noticed you being fixated on the seat she was in and the speaker close to her so she might have thought you were looking in her direction. You didn’t necessarily do anything wrong but I do understand why she would be uncomfortable at first before you mentioned the speaker.
 
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