Introversion: Comfortable with Your Own Company

[Darkkin]

As a life long introvert, a diagnosed autistic, I've always been comfortable with only my self, my thoughts, and pets for company. It is enough for me and I rarely find time heavy on my hands. I come from a family of mostly introverts, so I do have a bit of leeway with required family gatherings.

I always end up with sensory overload that manifests as a debilitating migraine. When my family gathers they love to talk, talk, talk...and the listening gets to be too much. I can't just pull out my book and read.

These are Grandma and Grandpa, who haven't seen me since Christmas. They've been good to me, I love them, and they deserve my time and attention. Same story with Mom.

It is like they save up all their words solely for that day, so I listen, I entertain the kids, etc. I help control the chaos of a large gathering, but I pay for it. Mom and Grandma have both seen it. You go until you have nothing left.

I make time for family because it is important to them. I also seem to have somehow acquired the habit of being adopted by extroverted friends. (This has happened since grade school.) I get toted along to movies, car races, flea markets, shopping trips, concerts, the renaissance festival, and plays. I've read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix at a stock car race before. I don't have to actively participate in the conversation going on around me, but I do chime in if I like or know something about the topic.

My friends and family also make sure that they give me plenty of prior notification so I can wrap my head around what we are doing and where we're going. If it is on my docket I can do it. I might squirrel away spoons for a few days before the event, but I can do it and generally have a good time. I love music and there is really something so different about attending a live event rather than listening to a recording.

If it is a gathering for a special interest e.g. A writing conference or my critique group, I make it a priority because I like to learn and this is something I know how to do competently. Moreover, the people involved don't look at me as if I've grown a second head when I deep dive into minutiea of obscure poetry forms and the tesselation transposition of verse across the 3 and 1 rhyme patterns. My knowledge is acknowledged instead of being a conversation killer. People actually listen to what I have to say. It is not just strings of letters on a screen.

No one in my immediate circles knows much about fiction writing, let alone poetry. The extent of poetry books at my house growing up was The Owl and the ***** Cat, Shel Silverstein, and a battered old book called The Treasury of the Familiar copyright 1944. It came from my Grandma's, I still have it and all those previously mentioned. I found a Dore illustrated copy of Rime of the Ancient Mariner and the complete works of Ruyard Kipling (The White Seal is still one of my absolute favourite stories), at a library sale in middle school. It has been an obsession ever since.

There is so much going on in my head at any given time that I am way too comfortable in my own company. I can go for days without human contact and be perfectly fine. (Not that I'm allowed to do that. People check to make sure I'm alive.) Quarantine, I know was hell for a lot of people. I saw how hard it was on my best friend who is very much a people person, when she had to work from home for nearly a year. There was much rejoicing on all sides when she was able to go back to the office.

One thing that I know is somewhat atypical for nearly 33% of people is being able to find peace and a level of contentment where I'm at. (I don't struggle with depression. Never have.) I don't have a burning need for more money, a better car, a bigger house. I have my basic needs met. I am very comfortably circumstanced and I can manage my docket, so when I have down time it doesn't loom large and empty. I know how to embrace my solitude. And as much as I might want to run silent, folks in my circle check on me.

I read, I write, walk and wander. I talk endlessly to Rue Dog when we take off or putter about the house. Around people I don't know or really know how to read, I stay quiet. Even with those I know, I don't talk much, but when I want to engage it is as if someone flips a switch and my words and expressions turn on. I talk with my hands and revel in the details. These unmasked conversations are very rare for me because peopling is a challenge for me.

I shield with routine, I have a social mask few people see beyond, but my inner worlds are rich, dense with thriving shoals of ideas, thoughts, and a need to learn and communicate effectively on topics I enjoy. The internet has been a huge help on that specific point.

No one would guess that I am autistic or as introverted as I am by my internet presence. I engage, actively, openly and find the stride of my words.

Sorry about the blabbering. This isn't something I usually talk about.

- D.

 

[Slim Jim]

Solitude is great. But too much can lead to boredom, aimlessness. I need stimulus too. I can be very comfortable, probably much more than most, when I am alone. As with practically all ASD people, we are directed inwardly. I feel inside, cut off from the external world. It doesn't come easy to engage with people on a personal level. It's hard to be wide open, and reveal yourself to others. We feel vulnerable. That's why we become naturally attracted to solitude. To me, a history of withdrawal, solitude, alienation, things of that sort, Is synonymous with the condition.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I seek out as much solitude as reasonably possible,...I don't get lonely, at all. It's valuable "me time" where I can watch documentaries, read research papers, and, of course, immerse myself in my special interests. Personally, I don't have feelings of vulnerability nor am I lacking in self-esteem,...quite the opposite, in fact. I am not sure what came first, "the cart or the horse", but part of my reasoning for solitude and diving into my own world is that people do not understand me, and I don't understand them,...the emotional behavior,...the lack of logic,...which sometimes gives me a bit of a superiority complex. All of this has its pros and cons, but most of the time I prefer to not have the interactions of others around me.

 

[Slim Jim]

nor am I lacking in self-esteem,...quite the opposite, in fact.

The opposite in fact, would be an egomaniac. Having a "bit of a superiority complex" again, suggests, ego defense mechanism.

Of course you don't have feelings of vulnerability, that requires engaging people and not withdrawing, avoiding, and preferring to not have the interactions of others around you. You can't be vulnerable, in solitude. Solitude = Security.

I'm not trying to single you out, this is a factor, a phenomena , built into the syndrome itself. So, what you say is not unusual to me. Your rationale, your inclinations, are perfectly understandable to me. As I share them.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

The opposite in fact, would be an egomaniac. Having a "bit of a superiority complex" again, suggests, ego defense mechanism.

Of course you don't have feelings of vulnerability, that requires engaging people and not withdrawing, avoiding, and preferring to not have the interactions of others around you. You can't be vulnerable, in solitude. Solitude = Security.

I'm not trying to single you out, this is a factor, a phenomena , built into the syndrome itself. So, what you say is not unusual to me. Your rationale, your inclinations, are perfectly understandable to me. As I share them.

Perhaps some further explanation into my life,...it isn't as cut and dry as you have described above.

55yrs old (I've had some time to adapt and learn). A mentor, an educator, a leader in my field. Financially successful. Married for 35 years. Raised 2 great kids. I work with the public,...healthcare. Neonatal clinical specialist in one of the largest neonatal centers in the world,...it's busy to say the least. My day is all about social interaction and being over stimulated. Pretty much have "4 boiling pots on the stove" for the better part of 12hrs a day,...rarely find time to slip away and let my brain cool off.

So, when I say I don't have self-esteem issues,...I certainly don't,...but perhaps I overstated myself,...certainly, I can be quite humble about myself, but, at times, I can come off rather aloof, so there is somewhat of a balance there...so, an egomaniac I am not.

Solitude is not really security for me, but rather valued time for me to relax and let my brain cool off. The social/work part of my life is simply mentally exhausting,...but right now, I am not at a point in my life where I can avoid it. Social interactions are not anxiety-inducing,...at this point I pretty much walk around like I own the place,...I certainly cannot socially withdrawal at work, but yes, it does take it's mental toll on me.

 

[StrayCat]

It's hard to be wide open, and reveal yourself to others.

Hmm, I actually find "revealing myself" part quite easy. The problem is, it can be dangerous, or at the very least, cause needless hassle, so can only do it in low stake situations. And often people will just ignore it and continue having weird assumptions about me anyway...

 

[Slim Jim]

The social/work part of my life is simply mentally exhausting,...but right now, I am not at a point in my life where I can avoid it. Social interactions are not anxiety-inducing,...at this point I pretty much walk around like I own the place,...I certainly cannot socially withdrawal at work, but yes, it does take it's mental toll on me.

Well, for somebody with this disorder, you seem like an overachiever. That's great, that you're so accomplished. But I tend to believe a desire to withdraw, is rooted in insecurity, or fear. And solitude = security, or safety.
"Walk around like you own the place," okay that made me grin. Especially after the "I'm not an egomaniac," part. Isn't that basically a hint of superiority feelings? I think it's fair to say, we all have ego. Ego is at work in everything we do.

Overstimulation, I guess that's a valid reason to desire solitude. I don't experience acute anxiety , in real life or online , generally. Maybe a feeling of dread at most, certain draining emotions can hit me, in certain contexts. Panic attacks, like hyperventilating, I haven't had anything like that since I was kid. (Self inflicted, as I was crying about stupid stuff and having tantrums.) I think that's the clinical definition. But I'm more likely to experience being unnerved, emotional disturbed, than overstimulated, on a cerebral level.

Social interaction isn't really intellectually challenging to me really. I do well on those 'eye tests, I can read body language okay. So if it were to take a toll, it would be on the autonomic level. On an emotional level. I guess our brains work different maybe. I have a legit Asperger diagnosis, but I've never felt I had all the traits, or fit the stereotype exactly. I can talk to others with ease, but I do prefer solitude, it's like recharging a battery, I suppose. But interaction, communication, can energize me also. Far from take a toll, I come alive around other people, if I Like them, which is admittedly rare, or just in a good mood. Not all the time, most times I'm neutral, detached. So much in Life depends on right balance of chemicals circulating in the body and brain, at the right time. And nothing ever stays the same. One month, I might be extroverted, and want to engage people, next month, it's basically 'F the world.

Yeah solitude, I believe is desire for security,rooted in fear. Other wise,why avoid people? We generally avoid things that threaten us, bring out fear. And I don't think we have to be even consciously aware, these things can be subconscious. Rooted in childhood experiences and adaption, or more precisely maladaptation. How we orient ourselves to the world, others in the world. I believe can account for a lot of it. We just grow up, thinking it's natural, intrinsic, to prefer solitude. Introversion, how much of it is destiny, or environment. We have to make that judgment for ourselves.

 

[StrayCat]

Yeah solitude, I believe is desire for security,rooted in fear.

Yep, totally. I like being alone because humans are scary. And humans are scary because it's very hard to have positive interactions, while negative are very likely. And even if I manage to get something positive, not only it costs a lot, it's very likely it will have strings attached with something bad at the end.

That's why I'm always curious how do people get anything worthwhile out of human contact.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

"Walk around like you own the place," okay that made me grin. Especially after the "I'm not an egomaniac," part. Isn't that basically a hint of superiority feelings? I think it's fair to say, we all have ego. Ego is at work in everything we do.

I am resistant to the usage of the term "egomaniac", "egotistical", or any version of "egocentrism"...as by their definitions, clearly do not describe my personality, at all. I clearly am neither "self-centered", nor do I lack the ability to be open to another's point of view,...as one of my behaviors is to simply ask the other person before blindly coming up with some sort of conclusion about them. Now, from a psychological perspective, I am not convinced that if an autistic is lacking in "theory of mind" and is unable to perceive another's perspective,...that this makes them "egotistical" per se,...it may seem similar "on paper", but "in practice", not the same. My life has been pretty much that of giving to others and being rather self-aware of my short-comings and lack of knowledge, in spite of the knowledge I do possess. I am on the other side of the Dunning-Kruger phenomenon in my field where although I may possess far more knowledge, experience, and wisdom than many others,...I also have far more questions than someone else might have,...and as a result, I tend to be far more humble because I realize I really don't know everything.

Walking around like I own the place,...in my case,...has zero to do with superiority feelings, but rather the fact that I have been walking those hallways since I was 18 years old, and not many have the seniority that I do, I am a mentor, an educator,...a resource person,...a responsible representative. With that comes the comfort and confidence to have social interaction with very little sense of anxiety. I can walk into a patient's room, greet the family, answer their questions without hesitance. I am on a first name basis with the physicians, and can have high-level, intellectual conversations about our patients,...and after all these years, these people are not just co-workers and colleagues,...it's like a family.

I would agree that ego does play a role in my life, as it does with anyone's,...but don't confuse what I am saying with terms like "egomaniac", "egocentrism", or "egotistical",...as these terms, in my mind, are derogatory.

 

[Slim Jim]

Now, from a psychological perspective, I am not convinced that if an autistic is lacking in "theory of mind" and is unable to perceive another's perspective,...that this makes them "egotistical" per se,...it may seem similar "on paper", but "in practice", not the same.

I would think, lacking a "theory of mind," wold automatically result in a self centered perception of the world. With no exception. How could it be otherwise... Like a small child, who cannot comprehend others point of view, or that the world is separate, has separate motives, wills, desire. Lacking a theory of mind, or an undeveloped theory of mind, I think naturally leads to a ego dominated, self interest dominated perception. I think that's one of the development stages of child psychology we all go through. Ego may be a dirty word to some, but at the end of the day, everybody has one, and I suspect those who try to act like they don't, present themselves as other serving, as opposed to self-serving, like a Bono, for e.g., have the biggest egos. Their ego identity being couched in a altruistic clothing. Ego is a tricky thing, I think I agree with Christopher Hitchens... Mother Teresa was probably a Egomaniac. That's the cynical view. Of course some people don't wanna hear that. That's blasphemy. That's a great insult to her. She was a "saint" after all.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I would think, lacking a "theory of mind," wold automatically result in a self centered perception of the world. With no exception. How could it be otherwise... Like a small child, who cannot comprehend others point of view, or that the world is separate, has separate motives, wills, desire. Lacking a theory of mind, or an undeveloped theory of mind, I think naturally leads to a ego dominated, self interest dominated perception. I think that's one of the development stages of child psychology we all go through. Ego may be a dirty word to some, but at the end of the day, everybody has one, and I suspect those who try to act like they don't, present themselves as other serving, as opposed to self-serving, like a Bono, for e.g., have the biggest egos. Their ego identity being couched in a altruistic clothing. Ego is a tricky thing, I think I agree with Christopher Hitchens... Mother Teresa was probably a Egomaniac. That's the cynical view. Of course some people don't wanna hear that. That's blasphemy. That's a great insult to her. She was a "saint" after all.

I want to make sure we are not talking past each other here. I believe we may have two different working definitions of what egocentrism is. If you examine the definition of egocentrism,...one may come up with the conclusion you have. However, in my mind, lacking the ability to perceive another's point of view,...being aware of it,...asking critical questions,...obtaining information,...being considerate of others is a behavioral "work around". One may call this being considerate or mindful of others,...a rather anti-egocentric behavior. It's the actual behavior that, in my mind, determines whether or not a person is egocentric,...not the intellectual condition, per se. I would agree with you that small children, regardless of being neurotypical or autistic, often lack the skills of perception,...with many neurotypical children learning over time to overcome this deficit,...and many autistic children less so. It isn't until an autistic individual understands and is self-aware of this deficit, that there may be an intellectual "awakening" and behavior change in the form of creating these intellectual "work arounds" in order to squelch an egotistical perspective.

 

[Slim Jim]

It isn't until an autistic individual understands and is self-aware of this deficit, that there may be an intellectual "awakening" and behavior change in the form of creating these intellectual "work arounds" in order to squelch an egotistical perspective.

It normally takes outside intervention. As perceptual flaws are the hardest thing to self-correct or recognize. Especially if it's a hardwired deficit in understanding, and not just a conceptual framework thing, errors in thinking.
I don't know how self-aware you can be with this condition, the very disorder creates a locked down mindset. Locked in, patterns of behavior. A strong affinity towards solitude being a common one. Aversion to change ( A need for sameness = security.) Neuroticism. Emotional dysregulation and or sensitivity. Egocentrism (withdrawal from external reality and a inner focus and preoccupation, as demonstrated in the stereotypical escapism, obsessions, hyperfocus on special interests. These are all thing I associate . A cluster of traits that define the condition, atleast behaviorally.

My definition of egocentrism, is a primary preoccupation with the self, inwardly focused, not concerned with others, only if it pertains to the self in some way.

Solitude *a behavior* arising from this state, would be: *thinking* "Well I don't care about others people, the outside world, my special interest is all I need. Others are unimportant, uninteresting, not even part of my awareness." for e.g.
I suspect a lot of Autistic people might fit this description. Even NT's for that matter. I'm not judging. This is what I see. Especially in fandom geek culture and subcultures. Which is synonymous with autism in my eyes. For e.g. if you're a middle aged old male, obsessed with Star wars, Star trek, or Lego, (especially LEGO!! The older the person, and the more juvenile the interest , is how I gauge the severity.) That's a good as a diagnosis in my eyes. I use that rule of thumb alot, trying to ascertain if people are on the spectrum or not.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

t normally takes outside intervention. As perceptual flaws are the hardest thing to self-correct or recognize. Especially if it's a hardwired deficit in understanding, and not just a conceptual framework thing, errors in thinking.
I don't know how self-aware you can be with this condition, the very disorder creates a locked down mindset. Locked in, patterns of behavior. A strong affinity towards solitude being a common one. Aversion to change ( A need for sameness = security.) Neuroticism. Emotional dysregulation and or sensitivity. Egocentrism (withdrawal from external reality and a inner focus and preoccupation, as demonstrated in the stereotypical escapism, obsessions, hyperfocus on special interests. These are all thing I associate . A cluster of traits that define the condition, atleast behaviorally.

My definition of egocentrism, is a primary preoccupation with the self, inwardly focused, not concerned with others, only if it pertains to the self in some way.

Your perspective is becoming more clear now. Some of what you are suggesting here does apply,...some of the time,...I have my moments,...but certainly not all of the time. Clearly, if I were to be so inwardly focused as a result of my disorder, I would not have been a good father and husband. Otherwise, my wife would have made it clear to me that I was a rather selfish and inconsiderate person,...others may have also noticed and commented likewise. Same at work,...I often go out of my way to help others in need,...often beyond expectations,...and don't expect rewards or praise. I am quite self-aware,...especially now after my diagnosis and research. I am not one with a "locked down mindset",...at least not at my age and as socially immersed as I am,...but looking back to my youth,...I may have been more so. Perhaps some degree of overcoming such intellectual deficits is possible over time, conscious effort,...and of course, the emotional response of making social mistakes,...neuroplasticity. Furthermore, I am not one that has an aversion to change,...I rather have an affinity for it,...part of my "out-of-the-box" thinking, as well as a career that is all about problem solving. In fact, I find that most of the people around me,...family, people at work, etc., are the ones who are most often resistant to change.

So, as we often say,..."If you've met one autistic,...you've met one autistic." I am not of a mindset that "the very disorder" creates anything 100% of the time. Furthermore, I am not convinced that anyone with enough intellect to be self-aware and has a conscious motivation for change and learning is necessarily "hard wired" for anything.

 

[Rasputin]

Well, for somebody with this disorder, you seem like an overachiever. That's great, that you're so accomplished. But I tend to believe a desire to withdraw, is rooted in insecurity, or fear. And solitude = security, or safety.
"Walk around like you own the place," okay that made me grin. Especially after the "I'm not an egomaniac," part. Isn't that basically a hint of superiority feelings? I think it's fair to say, we all have ego. Ego is at work in everything we do.

Overstimulation, I guess that's a valid reason to desire solitude. I don't experience acute anxiety , in real life or online , generally. Maybe a feeling of dread at most, certain draining emotions can hit me, in certain contexts. Panic attacks, like hyperventilating, I haven't had anything like that since I was kid. (Self inflicted, as I was crying about stupid stuff and having tantrums.) I think that's the clinical definition. But I'm more likely to experience being unnerved, emotional disturbed, than overstimulated, on a cerebral level.

Social interaction isn't really intellectually challenging to me really. I do well on those 'eye tests, I can read body language okay. So if it were to take a toll, it would be on the autonomic level. On an emotional level. I guess our brains work different maybe. I have a legit Asperger diagnosis, but I've never felt I had all the traits, or fit the stereotype exactly. I can talk to others with ease, but I do prefer solitude, it's like recharging a battery, I suppose. But interaction, communication, can energize me also. Far from take a toll, I come alive around other people, if I Like them, which is admittedly rare, or just in a good mood. Not all the time, most times I'm neutral, detached. So much in Life depends on right balance of chemicals circulating in the body and brain, at the right time. And nothing ever stays the same. One month, I might be extroverted, and want to engage people, next month, it's basically 'F the world.

Yeah solitude, I believe is desire for security,rooted in fear. Other wise,why avoid people? We generally avoid things that threaten us, bring out fear. And I don't think we have to be even consciously aware, these things can be subconscious. Rooted in childhood experiences and adaption, or more precisely maladaptation. How we orient ourselves to the world, others in the world. I believe can account for a lot of it. We just grow up, thinking it's natural, intrinsic, to prefer solitude. Introversion, how much of it is destiny, or environment. We have to make that judgment for ourselves.

Desire for solitude is not necessarily rooted in fear. I deal with people on a daily basis at work, and I find that most people annoy me because they do not follow instructions, they assume that if something does not work right the computing system is messed up, many are manipulative, dishonest, and want immediate gratification. I do my job efficiently and I rarely make mistakes. I can count on one hand the number of people that I enjoy socializing and interacting with, and most have similar attitudes as myself. So, no my desire for solitude has nothing to do with fear. It has more to do with my preference to relax and to do the things that I enjoy doing - which generally does not involve interacting with people.

 

[Slim Jim]

Anger, annoyance, fear, all possible responses.

To desire solitude, to experience peaceful, relaxing feelings, in a non stressful environment.

This is natural. (For us.)

What about those people,who seem to have infinite patience, calm, under pressure.(Apart from Jesus, maybe you believe such people don't exist. But hey...) Maybe those types don't feel fear.

I think fear need not be overt. In case of dealing with a co-worker. Consciously your attitude might be, For e.g. "Oh no, here comes this person with their problem" then fear might set in, under the surface. It could be a fear of failure, of embarrassing, or being a threat to your status, you've built up, your competency on the job.

This subliminal fear might not even be on the surface, or felt very much. But still drive your actions. You might classify it as; "This person is annoying, or demanding, or stressing me." And maybe feel off balance. (And then judgments about them develop. Unfavorable judgments. )

So when they go away, when you have solitude. You feel relief. By their mere absence. The threat is gone. Equilibrium restored.

That's kind of the introvert style. Avoidance. Isolation. Rumination. All things I associate together. (There's overlap in Autism too. Both states , conditions, you could say are self-centered, and certainly not people oriented. We're pathological 'object-oriented, it seems.)

I think extroverts, feel the opposite, relief when they interact with people, and when alone, maybe that's when stress kicks in. Like socializing is oxygen to them.

Extroverts seem to fear solitude, and crave people. If introverts are their opposite, and Introverts crave solitude, do they conversely, also fear people?

Satre - Hell is other people. Only a introvert would say that.


It seems to me, solitude is an avoidance strategy, speaking as an introvert, I think we avoid people, because we get the idea that people are harmful. We fear what is harmful naturally. What is harmful can destroy us. Physically, mentally.
I fear a rattlesnake cause it is poisonous. I fear fire cause it is damaging. Most people avoid these things, prefer not to be around them.

So I believe avoidance is rooted in fear. And to me, solitude is just an outgrowth of feelings of "I must avoid people." Then solitude become a "life style." And you forget why you wanted all that alone time in the first place. Because of fear of other people.

My interpretation. I may be wrong! ...Oh that's another thing, we fear, being wrong, isn't it.

 

[Darkkin]

Airbender tactic. Avoid and evade.

 

[Darkkin]

I've read a number of books on introversion. Susan Cain's is probably the best I've read. Much of what she talks about has a strong archetypal parallel to autism and our sensory needs.