rtorzyn
New Member
Hello. I am 62 years old and I have an appointment coming up in November 2022, hopefully to start on the way to a diagnosis. I am a good person successful in some ways because I channel my special interests and force myself in areas of executive function. Forcing the executive functions (especially the initiation part) seems to require an almost physical effort which puts stress on the body so it is a constant challenge. I have had many special interests along with tinnitus and very limited social-processing systems and social interests ever since I can remember. My special interests have developed over the years and overlap with academics and professional life.
But most special interests don't help in the social realm and my special interests for the most part exclude anything that requires unstructured and informal social interaction in real life. I have been married, have adult children, and live with a woman that I love at this time. But I have trouble regulating emotions including love, sorrow, and hatred of people who do evil. It seems my body has never known how to communicate non-verbally and my brain can't interpret other people in this way so it makes displaying affection more difficult especially when combined with diminished initiation of executive function. My mind is always running. I usually sleep pretty well but need to (?) take an over the counter sleep aid. I have made pretty "pitiful" social mistakes and been made fun of by others that I tended to view as small minded and weak. This has happened often enough to make me withdraw and I have no friends except the woman I live with and her few friends. I still travel and flew across country to visit my mom and sister recently so can handle this type of social and family interaction well. I suppose I like to travel as long as it doesn't involve a lot of forced interaction.
Even online, I have an intense fear of rejection. I did not realize what "theory of mind" meant but when I thought I understood I immediately recognized that within myself. I have "no idea" what other people "think" because I understand on a rational basis that consciousness is relative. Since I cannot read non-verbal communication, I judge people by their words and their deeds, not their looks. So liars have often exposed themselves to me and hypocrites as well. When I was a very young boy I remember being chastened for scolding Grandma for speaking like a racist. In reality I was upset/disappointed with her but I didn't understand at that age that even good people can on occasion say stupid things. Being this way has compelled me to speak Truth to Power and to pay a very heavy price that was hard on my family. But on the flip side, life because of compelling and integrated special interests has been very interesting to say the least. I am hopeful to be formally diagnosed to help me start to find some answers about myself and things that have affected me my whole life without knowing, as well as the people around me including my children. Ultimately I want to help myself to live a better life and with the people around me that I love. And to retire and do what typical people seem to do so easily.
But most special interests don't help in the social realm and my special interests for the most part exclude anything that requires unstructured and informal social interaction in real life. I have been married, have adult children, and live with a woman that I love at this time. But I have trouble regulating emotions including love, sorrow, and hatred of people who do evil. It seems my body has never known how to communicate non-verbally and my brain can't interpret other people in this way so it makes displaying affection more difficult especially when combined with diminished initiation of executive function. My mind is always running. I usually sleep pretty well but need to (?) take an over the counter sleep aid. I have made pretty "pitiful" social mistakes and been made fun of by others that I tended to view as small minded and weak. This has happened often enough to make me withdraw and I have no friends except the woman I live with and her few friends. I still travel and flew across country to visit my mom and sister recently so can handle this type of social and family interaction well. I suppose I like to travel as long as it doesn't involve a lot of forced interaction.
Even online, I have an intense fear of rejection. I did not realize what "theory of mind" meant but when I thought I understood I immediately recognized that within myself. I have "no idea" what other people "think" because I understand on a rational basis that consciousness is relative. Since I cannot read non-verbal communication, I judge people by their words and their deeds, not their looks. So liars have often exposed themselves to me and hypocrites as well. When I was a very young boy I remember being chastened for scolding Grandma for speaking like a racist. In reality I was upset/disappointed with her but I didn't understand at that age that even good people can on occasion say stupid things. Being this way has compelled me to speak Truth to Power and to pay a very heavy price that was hard on my family. But on the flip side, life because of compelling and integrated special interests has been very interesting to say the least. I am hopeful to be formally diagnosed to help me start to find some answers about myself and things that have affected me my whole life without knowing, as well as the people around me including my children. Ultimately I want to help myself to live a better life and with the people around me that I love. And to retire and do what typical people seem to do so easily.
