DissolvedGirl
Active Member
Hello!
I've been in a relationship for almost 5 years with a very sensitive and special person, who's suffering their own deal of mental issues and accepts me for who I am. However, our relationship has been through a lot of hardships and we've developed some not-too-great dynamics. Mostly, when we fight, I spiral into a crying meltdown and he gets triggered, becoming verbally aggressive and sometimes really mean and insulting. He just can't help it, he obviously feels very bad afterwards and I get it but it's also taken a toll on me. I've always been sensitive about hearing bad stuff, or aggressive tones, and being criticized by the one I love most is always really intense and if I'm not ready it will trigger a meltdown.
But this happens more and more rare and most of the time we're okay. Sometimes he starts the fights, but other times it's just me and my incapability of just being chill about stuff.
When I'm down or anxious I noticed my mind will automatically flee towards him and begin tripping out. I'll suddenly be feeling unwanted, insecure, sometimes trying to get some response from him and making it even worse when I don't get what I expected. I just lose control, I'll send these long explanatory messages if I feel he still doesn't get me, which will sometimes just make matters worse. If he closes his phone for a bit so he can cool off, I'll feel this intense sensations in my body and lots of mixed feelings, he'll really trigger me even though it is the logical thing to do, rather than keep fighting. He always calls back shortly to apologize anyway, but I sometimes get hysterical like it's the end of the world.
Other times I'll wake up in the morning and bam, bad trip regarding something, some fear of mine related to him. He's a very honest person, we've both cheated on each other but he was very quick to admit and we got over all that and deep inside, I know there's absolutely no danger and that he truly loves me and he's devoted and doesn't want someone else.
But my mind still trips out whenever I feel low, and I'm making many efforts to contain it and to not act on my negative impulses. I get jealous and paranoid out of little things, I misunderstand his responses and feel like he's not really getting me, or he's gotten cold, or blah blah, all sorts of things that aren't really true, if anything they have more to do with his mood at the moment, but nothing to do with me.
We live in different cities and we see each other once a week-every two weeks, it's way better than when we used to be together all the time, but still, when I get lonely and insecure I get all needy and want to hear many positive things, want him to be "the voice of reason", but somehow it's never enough, no matter what he says. I eventually get over those moods and feel very ashamed and annoyed that I wasted so much energy out of nothing.
Wow, I never told these things to anyone. I guess my question is, did it happen, throughout relationships, to find your mind being all weird and obsessing over perceived (often times, inexistent) problems with your bae, usually when you have a general bad mood? It's like my mind is searching for the reason it feels bad and it just latches to him, thinking something must be up there. I've always had issues with self-esteem and the dynamic is usually I push-he pulls, so I'm guessing these have an influence as well.
I've been in a relationship for almost 5 years with a very sensitive and special person, who's suffering their own deal of mental issues and accepts me for who I am. However, our relationship has been through a lot of hardships and we've developed some not-too-great dynamics. Mostly, when we fight, I spiral into a crying meltdown and he gets triggered, becoming verbally aggressive and sometimes really mean and insulting. He just can't help it, he obviously feels very bad afterwards and I get it but it's also taken a toll on me. I've always been sensitive about hearing bad stuff, or aggressive tones, and being criticized by the one I love most is always really intense and if I'm not ready it will trigger a meltdown.
But this happens more and more rare and most of the time we're okay. Sometimes he starts the fights, but other times it's just me and my incapability of just being chill about stuff.
When I'm down or anxious I noticed my mind will automatically flee towards him and begin tripping out. I'll suddenly be feeling unwanted, insecure, sometimes trying to get some response from him and making it even worse when I don't get what I expected. I just lose control, I'll send these long explanatory messages if I feel he still doesn't get me, which will sometimes just make matters worse. If he closes his phone for a bit so he can cool off, I'll feel this intense sensations in my body and lots of mixed feelings, he'll really trigger me even though it is the logical thing to do, rather than keep fighting. He always calls back shortly to apologize anyway, but I sometimes get hysterical like it's the end of the world.
Other times I'll wake up in the morning and bam, bad trip regarding something, some fear of mine related to him. He's a very honest person, we've both cheated on each other but he was very quick to admit and we got over all that and deep inside, I know there's absolutely no danger and that he truly loves me and he's devoted and doesn't want someone else.
But my mind still trips out whenever I feel low, and I'm making many efforts to contain it and to not act on my negative impulses. I get jealous and paranoid out of little things, I misunderstand his responses and feel like he's not really getting me, or he's gotten cold, or blah blah, all sorts of things that aren't really true, if anything they have more to do with his mood at the moment, but nothing to do with me.
We live in different cities and we see each other once a week-every two weeks, it's way better than when we used to be together all the time, but still, when I get lonely and insecure I get all needy and want to hear many positive things, want him to be "the voice of reason", but somehow it's never enough, no matter what he says. I eventually get over those moods and feel very ashamed and annoyed that I wasted so much energy out of nothing.
Wow, I never told these things to anyone. I guess my question is, did it happen, throughout relationships, to find your mind being all weird and obsessing over perceived (often times, inexistent) problems with your bae, usually when you have a general bad mood? It's like my mind is searching for the reason it feels bad and it just latches to him, thinking something must be up there. I've always had issues with self-esteem and the dynamic is usually I push-he pulls, so I'm guessing these have an influence as well.
