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Influence of bad parents on an autistic person?

Mems

New Member
Hello

I've got a question I've been asking myself for some weeks.

If an autistic child has for example a mother who plays manipulative games or does emotional blackmail or makes the child feel guilty all the time, or a father who has a major depression or is not really interested in his child it cannot lead to the same problems as if the child would be neurotypical.

If a neurotypical child grows up in a family who is psychologically dysfunctional this child will become dysfunctional as well and - depending on the problems it will face later on because of that - will need to go to therapy.

What about autistic children? How do they handle dysfunctional relationships and how much or what kind of long-term damage will it do to them? I guess they will be stressed a lot more. But otherwise I cannot imagine how they perceive for example if somebody wants to make them feel guilty all the time.

I know that every autistic child is unique. But perhaps there are common tendencies like it is the case with neurotypical children.

I'm curious about your replies.
 
I think it does look different for an aspie child growing up in an especially adverse environment, but it's hard to pin down a pattern when I really only have myself to examine. I notice a lot of things that are different about me from NTs who grew up in dysfunctional families, but not sure if that's just my personality, or if it's a result of the specifics of what I faced, or a result of AS.

I think I tended to adapt to the difficulties by withdrawing into myself more (spent a lot of time in the library or in my bedroom), and by trying to emulate people who I thought were more right than the worst people around me (even though those people were also messed up, but it was in more subtle ways, and so now it's taking me a long time to unlearn those patterns of behavior and figure out what to replace them with).

I also did a lot of observing people, and logicking my way through issues, to the point where there are some dysfunctional patterns I was able to identify all on my own simply by recognizing the failure in the logic that led to those behaviors.
 
I am the only aspie in a family of 5 and we all suffered the same terrible treatment as children. Sexual, emotional abuse and physical neglect. Out of all, I am the one who is most affected and that is due to the fact that I cannot cope with the injustice of it all, where as my siblings just shrug their shoulders and seemingly get on with life ( they don't actually).

I was the one who, despite being told that I was mentally backwards and only learned to read at 9; learned to walk apparently at 2, would be found buried in a book, rather than watching tv! When I came to a new understanding that the way we were living was very wrong, from that moment, I cleaned my own clothes and even got myself utensils and tried to keep them separate and often times, couldn't and would leave me very stressed.

When I discovered that one should change their underwear every day, I became obsessed with underwear. Sadly though, my second sister thought nothing of stealing my knickers but putting them back in my draw dirty!

It seems that despite being deemed as stupid, I am the one who tried to make a difference to my world and often neighbours would tell me that I am not like my family and they felt sure that I would succeed in life!

By no means am I successful in the eyes of the world, but when I speak or type and people think I had the best education going, wow lol My husband had a medocre education, due to his lack of interest and often complains that some people speak a level that he cannot reach and yet, here is me, who had no education at all, can reach that level!

Aspies are human beings and thus, of course traits are going to be shared by non aspies! My husband is obsessed with eucalyptus trees, but he is not an aspie!
 
Having suffered abuse as a child from a parent, I find the biggest effect is the mix of information. Let me explain, after the abuse ending via my telling, I was sent to child psychologists. Because of the abuse, they misdiagnosed my symptoms and so, until very recently, was not diagnosed with ASD. It made growing up very difficult because my symptoms weren't being treated properly. The abuse has very little effect on me now, but the issues from growing up with such behaviour problems have followed me from childhood to now.

Well, there are trust issues as well which does have a large impact on my life. I have a very hard time with trusting people and forming emotional connections. Some of that does come with all the bullying I suffered as well.

I think child abuse of any sort will always have negative effects, no matter what. Nt or ASD, it will always have a large impact on their life.
 
Thank you very much for your answers.

Of course! In its first years, a child normally imitates the behavioral patterns from the people who are around, otherwise, it doesn't learn anything. DogwoodTree, I also grew up in a dysfunctional family and like you, I withdrew into myself more. I had my own fantasy world. Changing dysfunctional patterns is hard work, at least it was for me. I began doing that from age 20 on, not earlier. I was never able to change dysfunctional patterns by using logic as you do. I think that we coped in a similar way - at least in some points. And I like that.
And Suzanne, as I understand it, you also tried to do things differently than your dysfunctional family by being self-reliant. And I can see what you mean by saying: "Aspies are human beings..." There are things that we all have in common. For example I also washed my clothes and tried to be as self-reliant as possible.
LostInSilentHill: Yes, I see. Trust issues, I did not think of that Thank you for sharing this information. You are so right! Child abuse of any sort will have negative effects and a large impact. Nt or ASD. I see that now.

I think I just learnt a lot.
 
What you are trying to describe is what had happened on me, plus some more domestic violence and severe school bullying.
In my case, I developed PTSD like NT, but different than most (NT)people, I didn't get into bad company.
Because I have an inner voice told me that it is not my fault, and always reminded myself not to be like my dumb parents when I have to deal with other's children, like what I have suffered shouldn't suffered by other people.
But I do have low self-esteem, and sometime suicidal.
It's all about the confrontation between angel and devil.
And I have quite serious intimacy issue which affecting my daily life very much.

Oh yea I have my own fantasy world too, the "world" would become more mature as I aged.
I tend to draw it out and write it down, and made it my fiction, I'm gifted in this field, although twice-exceptional.
I now always share my "world" with few of my friend.
 
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I think it does look different for an aspie child growing up in an especially adverse environment, but it's hard to pin down a pattern when I really only have myself to examine. I notice a lot of things that are different about me from NTs who grew up in dysfunctional families, but not sure if that's just my personality, or if it's a result of the specifics of what I faced, or a result of AS.

I think I tended to adapt to the difficulties by withdrawing into myself more (spent a lot of time in the library or in my bedroom), and by trying to emulate people who I thought were more right than the worst people around me (even though those people were also messed up, but it was in more subtle ways, and so now it's taking me a long time to unlearn those patterns of behavior and figure out what to replace them with).

I also did a lot of observing people, and logicking my way through issues, to the point where there are some dysfunctional patterns I was able to identify all on my own simply by recognizing the failure in the logic that led to those behaviors.

I think that you are right, it is different for a Aspie child growing up in a dysfunctional environment compared to a NT child. While everybody and every situation is different, I think that the Aspie child is more likely view the situation in more logical way. As the child gets older, they tend to figure out how things should be. With the freedom of adulthood, a lot of Aspies will turn their lives around. The older you get, the more you figure out. As for myself, all of my priorities, everything I believe to be true and almost everything I do, are based on logical thought. I have never made a conscious decision to think like this, it is just one of my Aspie ways.
 
I had a verbally abusive father who would berate me for my eating habits when he neither cooked a meal nor taught me anything about meal planning. Hence, I have a very unhealthy relationship to food and my weight can fluctuate wildly. I also have dysmorphia as a result. My father is definitely on the spectrum, although he will vehemently deny it, and it shows. He now suffers from adult onset dementia.

Time has dwindled my anger towards him because he was an ignorant parent, not even remotely aware of his own behavior and just physically unable to develop any insight. A family friend observed that his father used to treat him the same way.

My father would demand immediate mastery of a tool or he would take it away from me. He essentially expected me to run before I could walk. If I didn't master a skill quickly enough, I wasn't trying hard enough or I was lazy.

In my early and formative years, my mom was emotionally unavailable due to a severe depression disorder. She got better when I turned 11 and has since made every attempt to make up for her shortcommings. I love my mother dearly and can easily accept her apologies and hold no grudge. My father still takes no responsibility for his behavior.

Verbal abuse can leave wounds as deep as physical.
 
Dear Lena, I find it beautiful that you make something creative out of something you originally suffered from. I'm glad that you can share your "world" with some friends! That's so cool!

To clg114: Thank you to sum that up, that's very helpful to understand. That's also what DogwoodTree described: "...dysfunctional patterns I was able to identify all on my own simply by recognizing the failure in the logic..." I could not do that. I need to go by feeling.

Dear Sportster, I hope you now have some people around you who treat you kindly and are good examples for how people can be tolerant and fair to each other. In my opinion the world is different for everybody depending on which aspects they give attention to and what conclusions they derive from those aspects. If you see things in black and white it is your right to do so as long as it doesn't cause harm to others or yourself. The same with how you talk. Some people may think you talk like a lawyer, others may think you talk like a salesman. But you just talk like you talk. Nobody else talks like you do, because every human being is unique. At least, that's what I think.

@ wanderer03: Yes, verbal abuse is as painful as physical abuse, I think the same. My father also demanded immediate mastery of whatever was new to me and he would despise me for days when I failed. It was very difficult for me to learn that I am worth something, also if I don't perform and achieve things all the time. I had to bear a lot of self-hatred, before I came to this point. I am very glad for you that your mother "came back" from her depression to look after you emotionally. Before that, it must have been almost unbearable to grow up in such a cold and hard environment. She perhaps could undo some damage. But by far not everything. I can understand your struggles now and hope you will get better one step at a time.
 

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